Where do I begin. I’m the youngest, and unfortunately my family’s choice to have landed us all here. I’m done, and it’s just the beginning. Both my father and brother had strokes (years apart) my mother is elderly, but is helping with my dad. My brother can do very little for himself, but it’s better than nothing. We all don’t have healthy relationships because of how we were raised. Substance abuse was a huge part of my childhood on behalf of my father, then eventually my brother fell into the same hole. My mother and I suffered a whole lot, but now I’m seeing everything in a different light and my entire family has really put their dysfunction on me. I have GUILT abandoning them so I’m trying to figure out our next move. I’m lost, hurt, upset & I feel like a little girl in a huge world, not knowing what to do. My extended family has their own lives and issues so it’s just me & my husband. Who is the only person that I have.
My family has health problems, age related decline & disabilities. Their care needs are high, more than family only can do. I assist by advocating for them - to help them obtain the services & care they need.
It needed some big shifts in thinking:
#1 From thinking family has to do everything to involving NON-family.
#2. My own mindset from being the family drudge to the family advocate.
Basically not trying to be some kind of lone ranger & building a team.
Welcome 😀
Firstly,
1. You matter too
2. You do have choices.
Secondly,
Start examining how you described the situation - what words you used. Think about the definitions, what they mean to you.
"I have GUILT abandoning them so I’m trying to figure out our next move".
"Guilt" Did you cause the strokes? Disability? Old age?
Why do you feel 'guilty'? Or is it actually grief? Sadness? Fear?
"Abandoning"
What do you mean by that? Not doing everything yourself? Leaving their care to hired home health aides? To staff in a facility?
"I’m lost, hurt, upset & I feel like a little girl in a huge world, not knowing what to do".
It's OK to feel that way! To be overwhelmed.
Finding a pathway takes time. Finding the people to help find the right path takes time. Examining your situation is a great first step. Taking ACTION is a great next step. Eg a forum for ideas, speaking to your family Doctor, calling an aged care helpline.
thank you for your advice, you sound like you have some experience with caring for someone.
You should not be broke from taking care of them . You should not suffer from this situation . What will happen when you are old and don’t have money because of this situation ?
I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
I know how hard it is to live with an addict. My oldest brother was an addict. Sadly, his unhealthy lifestyle caught up to him and he died several years ago.
I highly suggest that you attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings.
Like you, I tried to help my brother. It was a futile effort and I backed off.
My mother and father never even drank. My other siblings and myself have never had struggled with addiction issues.
I suppose the only silver lining in our situation was that we saw the hell that our oldest brother lived through and never wished to be in that situation ourselves.
I cared for my parents. It’s hard. It’s not selfish to want to have a life without having the responsibility of caregiving.
You don’t have a valid reason for experiencing guilt. Of course, you feel sad about their loss of independence due to their poor health.
Have you considered discussing facility care for your brother and father? You and your mother could then become their advocates and resume your lives as wife, daughter and sister?
You are not obligated to care for your father or brother.
I wish peace for you as you decide what is best for everyone.