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My husband has turned into something horrible. He won't bathe or shower for 6, 8 months at a time , has dirty hair hanging in everything, and this skin disorder where he's basically molting and it's disgusting. He pees in a urinal in the living room and poops in the garbage can. He absolutely does not care what this is doing to me. We have NO money, no car and are living in a small 2 bedroom apartment that is as filthy as he is. Our 2 cats have digestive issues and I cannot afford a vet and no one will help at no cost or even jus prescribe the right food. I'm stepping in poop and cleaing it all day, but one room I've just given up on and don't know what to do. It's all gotten so out of control that I'm either in a panic trying to find money, help, etc. or I totally shut down and barely move for a week. I just keep hoping the stress will kill me. There's no fixing this, no help and certainly no future to look forward to.We truly have absolutely nothing. I'm stuck here 24/7 and really am beginning to hate him. He simply doesn't care about anything. I really would be much better off dead or even in prison where I'd get 3 meals and medical/dental care. Maybe some people to talk to. I have no friends or family,everyone is dead. I can't live like this anymore. There's no hope. I'm not going to wake up being 40 again and get a do over. It's too late, there is nothing. Why can't we just die in peace when want to? Why do I have to hang around? Just more torture? Maybe tomorrow?

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Go to the nearest women's shelter and call APS for your husband. Report a vulnerable elder with dementia living in squalor. Once the landlord catches on to the conditions in the apartment, you'll be evicted anyway, so you may as well go to a shelter and get help there. They can set you up with social services to get assistance.

The National Suicide Hotline number is 988 to chat or text.

https://988lifeline.org/

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
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AlvaDeer Aug 18, 2024
Lea is correct. A call to 911 with your telling them you feel you are a danger to self or others will get you an admission to care for a few days, and will be able to provide social workers to help you avail yourself of care. You ARE better in a shelter than in your current situations. Your animals in no way deserve to live a life without proper care, and should be rehomed by a shelter in order to get help.
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Everyone here is rightfully concerned about your mental health, and the potential for self-harm. I'm going to post a potential solution, but you don't give much info so I'm hoping this helps you...and you have to be willing to accept it as a solution.

I'm assuming you are both over 65 (if your user name 1954 refers to your birth year). If so, this makes you (and hopefully him) seniors, which opens up some options. I'm also assuming you are not your husband's PoA (and he doesn't have one).

By your description, you husband seems to have some form of dementia or untreated mental health problem, or both. You can call 911 and tell them he's not acting "normal" and that he may have a UTI or other problem (do not mention dementia since this is not considered a medical emergency and they may not come). If the EMTs are able to get them to the ER (you follow) then you talk to the discharge desk to make sure they know you are not able to care for him at home, that you're not his caregiver and that he is an "unsafe discharge". No matter how hard the discharge people try to talk you in to taking him back home, DO NOT agree to that. Make sure you have his phone so that he doesn't call anyone else to come get him. Consider showing the doctor and nurse pics of the filthy living conditions and that your mental health is breaking down. Then ask to talk to a social worker and discuss him going directly into a facility. If no one is his PoA then the courts can assign him a legal guardian and will take care of all his needs and you are done with it. They may even keep him as a "social admit" if he has behavior issues or refuses meds as treatment. They will keep him in a psych wing until he is stabilized, then transition him into a facility -- most likely.

If your husband being removed from your apartment and the loss of his SS income will create a housing problem for you then talk to a social worker for your county about Section 8 housing options, if you're not already in one.

Or, instead of the ER strategy, you can call social services for your county first and tell them what's going on and that you want to be assessed for in-home services. When they come and see the conditions and your situation, they may have options for you.

You can contact churches and faith-based organizations for othe types of help, even if you're not a member or even a believer. My church helps "strangers" through a benevolent fund all the time. This is only a 1-and-done thing as they won't be able to help on an ongoing basis. Some churches have ministries and programs for seniors that might be of help to you, so be sure to ask.

You can also contact your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance and resources. I wish you much success in getting help for you and your husband. May you receive clarity, wisdom, hope and peace in your heart.
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LoniG1 Aug 18, 2024
Well said thanks
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Please call adult protective services on Monday and tell them what you have told us. You both need help and you need someone to take control for you. I am so sorry, but clearly you cannot yourself take care of this.
The cats should be removed for their own safety and care. People who cannot afford care for their beloved pets do them a disservice to keep them despite the love.

I am just so sorry. Reach out to APS and tell them you need help, request their visit. If this doesn't work look for your local council on aging (www.councilonaging for a contact number. )


There is clearly nothing that a Forum of strangers can do to get you help. If you must contact your local police station or sheriff's office for number for access to help and social services, then do that.

988 is the number of the national suicide hotline which can hook you up with help if you feel you are a danger to self or others, and you should call 911 if you are having such ideation. An admission to the hospital will get YOU care, will assess your hubby for care, and will get you in the midst of Social Workers who can provide you with access to care.
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You’ve reached out, that’s a great first step. Life can improve. Please take the wise advice given and call Adult Protective Services in your county, without your husband’s knowledge, and tell them what you’ve related here. Getting your husband to your local hospital by calling 911 and telling them he’s sick, letting the first responders see the situation in the apartment for themselves, can also work. Please know you matter and your life can get better. Decide to change it and not be miserable anymore
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Lea is right, there are also homeless shelters that is better than what your going through.

Also remember you are young, you have a lot of life and love left to give, this is one horrible bump in the road. Your not the first person to be wishing for death and you won't be the last. You can turn your life around.

You made the first step in asking us for help, now you have to make another step, by walking out that door. There are people that will help you, but you have to want to help yourself.

So please help yourself
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I'm more afraid that you're going to snap and kill yourself. Please call the suicide hotline at 988 if need be.
Your life and living situation sounds horrible to say the least, but there is help out there for you, I think you're just too far gone in your depression and have basically just thrown in the towel in your defeat instead of searching for it.
Please not only call Adult Protective Services in your area to report your situation, but also your local Area Agency on Aging, along with 211, as they will have a list of all agencies in your area that can help with housing, transportation, food, and whatever else you may need.
I am so sorry that you feel so hopeless, I just can't imagine, but I do hope and pray that you'll reach out to these different agencies and ask for help.
There is help out there, but you have to be the one to reach out and ask for it, and I hope that is what you'll do.
Life is precious and life is short, and I hope that sooner than later you'll be able to see at least a glimmer of hope in your situation.
Please don't give up. God loves you and wants so much better for you, so don't be afraid to take the necessary steps to make things better.
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Gzzzzz ok first your low income? If he is on medi-cal you will qualify for ihss which will pay you to care for him up to 280plus hours a month plus overtime and it's TAX FREE (in calif) both fed and state. Which will give +/- 5grand a month as you are his live in provider. If you want outside help ihss can help provide that. However if your done your done! call APS and ask for help they make a visit and if he is unsafe they will contact public guardian to assist with conservatorship and place him elsewhere out of your care. But please for your own protection think about your statements. Your sounding like elder abuse to him and to yourself. We all understand your issues as some of us have been there. By your tone and own admission you need help yourself which is not always a bad thing. Breathe and start over there is help out there you just need to be able to state your issue in more calm and collective way. Otherwise no one will listen or hear what you have to say.
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I’m at a loss as to why it has gotten this bad. I am very thankful you have reached out, but is there a back story about why you haven’t sought help sooner?
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lealonnie1 Aug 18, 2024
Sometimes, a person has to hit rock bottom before they reach out for help. Especially when there's no cushion of money to fall back on, and there's a marriage involved. The past doesn't matter, right? All that's important is OP realizes there IS help available for herself and her husband. The way to go from here is UP!
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Hi GenCar1954,

Many families have had similar experiences--you're not alone. Other AgingCare members have provided several resources that are available to you in the answers on this page. Please reach out to these resources as soon as possible to ensure you, your husband, and your cats get the help you need and deserve.
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" I'm not going to wake up being 40 again"

So are you 40 and is your husband your age?

Is alcohol or drugs involved in this?
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lealonnie1 Aug 18, 2024
If she was 40, she wouldn't be saying "I'm not going to wake up being 40 again."
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