Hello, my mother had a stroke 8 weeks ago and has recently came home. I am her only caregiver and am maintaining our home, cooking, cleaning etc. I work full time from home so I can take care of her. My days are long and like all caregivers, I have no time to myself. I am finding that I am getting upset with her as I keep having to repeat myself as her memory is not what it used to be. I don’t think I have come to terms with her having a stroke and get frustrated when she doesn’t follow the advice I give her or when I show her multiple times how to do a simple task and she forgets. I feel like an awful daughter and very guilty. I love her dearly and she is my world. What can I do to manage my emotions in a healthier way? Thanks in advance for your replies.
If there is money available, hire some help to help YOU as you help her. Definitely pay for things she can afford now. You need the breaks and she does too.
I knew my aggravation was not her fault and I did not want to say things that would show frustration, so this worked for me. Hardest job I ever had, but in the end I wouldn't have done things any differently. She was happy being in her own house and I was able to give her 7 years of my time to keep her happy. I owed my mama that much. She would never have thrived in a facility setting and from what I saw of facility care, my heart would never allowed me to put her in a facility. I was retired and able to do it, thank the Good Lord.
Your mother will likely recover further over the six months following her stroke. (That is what I was told when my dad had his severe stroke). Sometimes it isn’t gradual, but improvement seems to happen all at once. Therapy is important. Speech, Physical, Occupational. Get her whatever insurance/Medicare will allow. In-person is more effective. Once that runs out, continue on your own or through help. If she doesn’t seem to be improving keep it up —at least through the 6 month window.
After my dad’s stroke, I attended all his therapy sessions and would repeat the lessons later. Wii sports, checkers, puzzles, conversations, walking, reading aloud… all this helped. You may not be able to attend, but reinforcing what she worked on does help her return to her best abilities and best life. Getting her as much therapy as coverage allows will possibly give you a break if you don’t have to be there. .
You have hit your limitations, so if you can afford to, outsource some of this, so you can have some downtime.
”Cherry pick” the activities you like best and outsource the others. If you hate games, hire someone to come in and play cards. If you dislike the gym, hire a personal trainer or a CNA (depending on her abilities) to spot her on a walk or a piece of equipment at home. Physical activity of any level, fresh air and different environments will all help, but bring someone in because you can’t do it all.
I took care of my parents simultaneously. Sometimes their care kept me up most the night. My dad had a debilitating stroke (and a nice recovery).. I hired a CNA to help my dad in the mornings (workout, shower and breakfast) so I could get my kids to school). They played checkers while I was working sometimes.
Don’t hire someone to help with your favorite activities or you will feel like you are missing out.
Do you have a friend in a similar situation? One of you can take your mothers out to lunch together while the other has a break. I found when my parents interacted with peers their spirits lifted. If you don’t know anyone else who is similarly situated ask around. There are people around you going through this. Your mom’s doctor may be able to help you connect.
Don’t lament about being an only child. I have 5 siblings who were mostly “no shows.” Once a sibling cared for my mom for a week while I went away with my young family for a needed break. When I returned, my Mom asked me to never make that arrangement again. My sibling was so “angry” she would barely speak to me. To this day-7 years later-, I still don’t know why she is (still) mad.
The next time I needed to go away, I hired a CNA and Mom had a great time.
I replaced my siblings with friends (a total upgrade!!)
Schedule some extra help if you can afford it, and if not, call the Area Agency on Aging and see if they can offer some suggestions.
You're not an awful daughter AT ALL. You're grieving for and with her. If you can find even a few minutes a day to meditate, I find it helpful. I just google "10 minute meditation for relaxation" or however much time I have.
Hang in there, sweetie.
Good luck & Hugs 🤗
I have printed out a picture of the remote control(s), and leave it on her tray. Did anyone teach you / advise you about having the tray of useful things? I remember when I first saw it and it broke my heart -- this is when I was looking for a tray for next to my mom's chair here *before* I even realised she was starting to slip a little. Now it's like "Oh. Well okay so this works for a lot of folks?"
Another important thing to point out about strokes is that its possible that all of the knowhow was erased - the knowledge, and the experience. Anything she doesn't know how to do, imagine she is learning for the absolute first time. "Reminding" might not help if that area of the brain was permanently cut off / broken. She will need to relearn from scratch. Hubby had a stroke in 2020, and it is still frustrating to him. He can't understand how sometimes he STILL puts a shirt on backwards by accident, until I remind him that this isn't just re-learning to put that shirt on right just one more time, but re-building the practice to put it on right every time.
Big hugs. You're not awful. You love her, and she is your world. You're doing all that a human can do and probably more.
Is there any home occupational therapy available? They send ppl out for my husband but he was already at such a good place post his inpatient rehab that they didn't stay long -- but he's young, which apparently helps? But her insurance may cover some in home rehab, which can give you a few more hours to yourself hopefully <3
Get some help so you can get some free time - daily - and bigger chunks of time off weekly/monthly.