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Please contact a Geriatric Psychiatrist and discuss what can be done: sedation or psychiatric hospital? Oh, and please video her or set up a camera to show the behavior to the doctor.
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
She’s seeing a psych in a few weeks. I hope I can explain her lifelong mental ills in a way that they can understand. Her new meds seem to be working, 🤞 time will tell.

One nurse I met (who got to know my mom at a facility she was in) told me she thought my mom might have become a homeless person if my dad had not married her, provided a life for her, and shielded her from the outside world. Idk, it kinda seemed true in a way. But I’m still puzzled.
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I’m a retired nurse and last Feb my 95 yr old father-in-law who lives with us was hospitalized for about a wk due to dehydration and being deconditiined. During that time my husband and I both developed Covid. When talking with social worker/case managers at the hospital he was in when approaching discharge, I was met with resistance to have him temp transferred to rehab/ECF. We didn’t want him in our home to catch Covid plus we were not in a healthy state to care for him, they just said he didn’t want to go to an ECF and we had to be supportive of him despite our situation. We have cared for him the past 3 yrs due to son in another state not wanting to be inconvenienced and then being told to pretty much suck it up and be supportive which we have always been was difficult to swallow.
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Maryjann Nov 2022
Wow. I hope you didn't try to care for him when you were ill!
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"Scores high cognitively." Maybe explore this further. A "cognitive test" in a rehab or hospital takes about 5 minutes. For the requirements of the test, she is "normal" if she can draw a clock, name the president, do a simple children's dot-to-dot task, and follow simple written instructions like 'fold this piece of paper in half.' But her behavior sounds off the wall! Can you get an in-depth psychiatric and cognitive evaluation? It should take hours, not minutes.
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
Maybe her initial psychiatric visit, a month from now, will do that? Idk. I’m curious about what to expect from that.

yes the high cognitive score was from the hospital and the rehab.
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First, the PT was way out of line and has no idea what you've been through. Report him or her.

Secondly, I'd tell your mom that every time she plays the victim, etc., you'll visit her less than you already do. You've put in your time, you're not her mother, she's not a child. She sounds completely manipulative to me. Her anxiety is not yours to cure. You can't. You lack the superpower. So all that bull---- about needing help…tell her those actions have consequences and you've done all you can for her.

Then go take care of yourself.
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
Yep, exactly how I felt. Act up more=get less visits from me. Really it is the only way I could handle my burnout and fatigue.

Shes calmer now. I hope it’s the meds working. My fingers are crossed. I’m not jumping back into the deep end of the pool yet, I’m still devoting a lot more time to my own life (than I was doing). But I’ve been very encouraged by her calmness and gratitude lately.
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InlandMeg: Perhaps your mother needs to see a geriatric psychiatrist.
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
she’ll be seeing a psychiatrist in mid December. Her PCP couldn’t find a geriatric psych in her plan that had an opening but at least she’ll be seen and they’ll manage her meds and refer her If necessary.
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After 50 years of this they msy understand exactly how you feel. Remember that and don’t let them make you feel guilty. (That is what is hurting you— they say that without ever walking in your shoes, and then you stew and toss and turn and feel like a bad person).

Your mom is safe. She is receiving care. You have done your best for her.

Give yourself permission to do your best for YOU.

If you miss her, visit. If she is nasty, leave. If you have fun, visit again.

Stop letting this hurt you. You have hurt enough. It is your turn to be happy from now on.
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
She’s calmer. I presume its her new meds she started taking last week. She actually thanked me (sincerely) today for all the help I’ve given her. She looked straight at me and said I know you’ve done A LOT for me and I want you to know you are a very good daughter. It made me feel so much better and I hugged her and told her I love her. She replied “I love you, too” like a normal mom.

I just have to hang on to this type of interaction (for my sanity) and if it’s the meds helping her be less anxious and obnoxious, then so be it.
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PT fell for the show. I’m sure it was a good one.

I would discuss this issue with the facility because that is very hurtful and inappropriate thing to tell a family member when they have no idea of the whole story. Nor is a PT person trained in this kind of issue and should not have inserted themselves. Hopefully PT will not do this again to you or anyone else.

Also if someone did this to me I would keep them on the phone for an hour. Start the conversation with “Well let me tell you about the last two years…” They won’t call again!
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
Lol. My first reaction was 1) total silence bc it took my breath away, of course. It’s already a difficult decision to be less available to my mom because I naturally feel very guilty like I’m abandoning her. My next reaction was saying 2) “what about me, though? Am I supposed to be the machine that never stops and never breaks?” I didn’t feel like this person could understand. They see my name and number as the primary contact, like I’m the responsible adult and my mom is the child. “Here’s what our team needs you (the primary contact) to resolve, needs you to send us, needs you to agree to, needs you to purchase, needs you to sign, needs you to communicate & schedule, needs you to make a decision, needs a check from you … immediately or by tomorrow. All while my mom has one meltdown after another. Lol

Another agency is now providing PT, thank goodness! And my mom also seems calmer and easier for me to be around her, with her new meds. 🤞
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I am so sorry the staff makes assumptions that you should meet moms needs and visit more. That is unfair they do not know
if they are paid to care for her then she is getting care and it is their responsibility.
I also grew up with a mother like that and she continued to her last day with manipulation.
take your break from her. Inform he place staff that you have been called away for important reasons or you need a surgery or something.
then trust that she is in a care facility and she is not the first person they had to handle like her. You can just agree she is a handful but you aren’t her parent and have no blame for how she acts. She is an adult. This is her choices. She now has to see her consequences for acting like that.
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I agree the staff was way of line to even suggest that...unless they had more facts ---which I strongly doubt they do.......I also am a caregiver also as was my now deceased wife to her mother....so until a person has walked in"your" steps I would look at caring for your self number 1.....you may have to discuss this w/PT supervisor .
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A physical therapist told you this? They need to stick with what they're trained to do. Did they state this while your mother was present? Good grief, I hope not! They are not formally trained in family dynamics nor psychology, so I wouldn't even let their insignificant opinion bother me at all. Sounds like your mom just pulled the sympathy card with her physical therapist. 🙄
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