How do I safely get out of this? I'm done with caregiving, but want to exit appropriately.

Ah, right, sis is POA. If sis doesn't authorize care, isn't it likely that the state will pursue guardianship and place mom? You might want to point out to sis that the money will then all be gone, and not spent in a way she might like. Stand tough Zoo;I have a feeling that your siblings are engaged in a "who blinks first" contest.

I am in the same position. Only, both my parents need help. The snow storm was fun with no help able to come. I private paid someone so I could take a day off even though I really couldn't afford it after paying to be plowed out. I have a six month plan of my own. But the first thing I did was meet with my parents caseworker, I'm allowed to speak with her because I live with them (my sister is POA also). We have maxed out every possible reason for help for both my father and my mother. It is still not enough for me to work but once my mother is finished with chemo, I'll be able to work and save money to be out in six months. You have no idea how much I can sympathize with you. I have never clung so hard to my religious beliefs this much in my whole life! Yet I still occasionally fail. If you would like more information about my 6 month plan, just let me know.Most importantly, if you have done everything humanly possible, feel no guilt about walking away. If the caregiver can't take care of himself, he is doing a dis-service to those who are sick.

I find it interesting that everyone else, e.g. siblings, godfathter, etc wants to put the responsibility and blame on you for whatever happens to your mother. NOT! They are ALL aware of her living circumstances and health. In my mind this holds your siblings equally accountable....even more so since you've already provided years of care towards the wellbeing and safety of your mother. It's too bad there wasn't guardianship of your mother related to her finances. That way your sister would have to be showing receipts to show to the court/legal system for any expenditures of mom's money. The same would hold true if she was appointed "payee" related to Social Security. It might not be so "awful" if adult protective services did come in to investigate possible "neglect". It may hurt the ego but they might be able to push for accountability of use of mom's funds and placement in a safe environment.

Thanks again to everyone for the support and encouragement. The amazing thing is that even with a clearly documented pattern of neglect and multiple outright written refusals to proactively manage mom's care (dozens of emails stating POA is too busy to handle x,y,z, including follow-up after 3 falls involving bleeding head injuries), bedsores as the result of halting arthritis treatments, and forced isolation (mom is not allowed to leave the house, they even took her disabled parking placard away, making it difficult to take her anywhere), leaving narcotics within reach and expecting mom to safely self-administer all her meds (no short term memory, how would that ever be possible?), nothing gets done by APS, social services or the agency providing the part time nursing and in home care. Lots of talk, lots of concern expressed, but no action. It's sickening that there really isn't any recourse that works, until something really, really, really bad happens. Our elder care system is completely broken. My next step is to go down to the local police department and file a formal neglect and abuse report there and to insist on a welfare check. The call will be made when I know mom is home alone at night, so they find her bewildered and alone. It just makes me sick to have to do things like this. And I'm still up all night watching out for mom on nights I'm not working, and no sleep during the day, either. Yes, mom really should be in a memory care unit already. I woud welcome APS with open arms!

Not to be insensitive, but falls happen. If she's not broken anything, like a hip, then resume the pre-existing care plan. Stay out of the house. If falling works to reel you back in, then you can bet there will be more falls. The fall is not your fault and the consequences of the fall are not your responsibility. You resigned. Stay away. Let the others step up the plate. If you rescue her every time she needs something, you will never free yourself from your slavery. Might alway want to see a counselor to help you through the guilt. Go home, get your sleep, go on about your life. If you have forgotten what it is to have a life, go on a cruise or camping trip to where there is no cell phone service. Have a 'no contact' day where the phone stays off the hook or unplugged or turned off. I love those days.

Thanks, Sophe, I understand all that and I don't think you are being insensitive at all. Mom's aide was here when she fell on Sunday and was devastated it happened. I told her falls happen, we expected mom to keep falling, especially since nothing's being done to determine whether there is a cause, and that the important thing is that mom was not alone, immediate treatment was given to her wounds, and calls were made to the POA letting her know a doctor follow up was required. It could have been so much worse, if no one was there. Fortunately for mom, no bones were broken, but she had yet enother really hard whack to her head and fairly nasty wounds on her knees, leg, arm, shoulder and head. The care workers and wound care nurses have been fantastic, but they can't see inside her head to determine if there's a hematoma. And mom has been suffering these odd syncopal episodes since the first head whack fall about a month ago. So there's clearly something wrong. I hate to say this, but a subdural hematoma may actually save mom's life, because it would force a hospitalization and immediate access to the discharge planning workers that could intervene. That's just how screwed up things are.
Sophe, great advice, wish I could just detach myself and go about my merry way, and believe that things would work out, but I now know for certain that it won't and that no one else IS going to step in. I do not think I could live with the consequences if I just walked away without at least trying to make sure mom is getting taken care of. Yes, they know that and are manipulating that to their advantage. This past couple of days was supposed to be the start of that time off, and look at how it turned it out. I'm taking mom to see her PCP today, whether they like it or not. As far as I'm concerned, failing to take her for follow-up on Monday after Sunday's fall was the last straw. Please also remember that I live half-time in my mom's home, so it's not quite as simple as staying away, at least not yet. I am still determined to get out from under this, one way or another. Doubt I'll be able to rest and be at peace with this until an independent guardian is appointed. I just wish my siblings would get off their lazy butts and cooperate - we'd be better off if we voluntarily selected and appointed our own choice for guardian. Mom's lawyer has had several ready to take over, for over a year. I do not understand the indifference, I keep hearing that no one is ever happy with court-appointed guardians, and because sis is so obsessed with money, you'd think she'd be doing everything she could to prevent that from happening. I suggested sis and her husband get involved in a dementia caregivers support group -- do you really think they'd respond to that? Of course not, their response was that they didn't need it because "they don't have any psychological problems". Ha! Talk about denial.

Sis and hubby are practicing not-so-benign neglect. It is wrong. It is cruel. It should result in APS taking over, yesterday. The syncopal episodes could be cardiac in origin and this requires a Holter monitor to assess.

You must not do what you have said you can't do, otherwise this pattern does not end and Mom does not get care. But yes, your living in the home is a complicating factor making you still responsible, and there is no reason not to bring her to the ER for this kind of thing. If they try to prohibit her getting medical attention, document, call APS again, AND call an eldercare attorney and find out if they can be removed for failing in their duties. The system may be broken, but there are limits to how far they will let things go...and Sis is pushing them.

People above giving very good advice. Please read over responses. The only way I got out of it was because my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on May 6, 2014. He suddenly got sick out of blue and than bam. Still taking care of parents an hour away but can not do as much because husband is taking up most of time. My 90 year old parents have not been nice about my husband getting sick even after all I and husband have done for them. Can not believe it and am very hurt and depressed. Only solution is to walk away and let the chips fall as they will. Know that is a cold statement but I have had it with them. I am done, I'm 60 and husband is 65 and I am also an only child. I feel used by my parents so feel I just woke up to reality.

125Cher, my heart aches for you having three of the most important people in your life all in in a bad way! I woudl say that with aging, it is not uncommon to lose the ability to empathize and see beyond your own needs and concerns. It is a fearful time that often comes with reduced cognitive abiilty, even without full blown impairment or dementia, to think your way through things. Unless they were extremely seflish and unhelpful.unsupportive all their lives - not just a little like all of us can be when stressed a bit - you might want to err on the side of not taking their apparent meanness as personally or holding it against them too much. At the same time, don't feel you have to keep trying to do impossible things like be in two places at once. My experience has been that those of us who think we need and deserve the gift of bilocation never get it; I guess it's only for the real through-and-through saintly ones who the whole world can really use more than one copy of. Your heart is in the right place and the best you can do will have to be enough.

UPDATE: thought I'd post another update. Mom still not getting the care she needs, one excuse piled on top of another. Latest fall and head injury still haven't been assessed by a doctor. I had the wound nurse treat her wounds, document and take photos. Sis is never going to take responsibility for this and the neglect is going to continue. Found mom in bed at 4:30pm yesterday, fully clothed, no dinner, with aide sitting in the living room reading! Aide didn't expect me back until today. Watched for a long time before I rang the bell and made her jump. The activity log for the prior 2 days looks phony, too. So that's a new problem that needs to be addressed, but that I have "no say" in changing. Police have advised me to go ahead and take mom to the ER, ask for her to be placed in protective custody, and let the court determine where she should be placed and who should be her guardian. Shame it's ended up this way, particularly because mom and dad took great care in making plans for their own care and were financially able to pay for anything they might need or want.

So sad. Are you going to follow the police advice?

Just given her head injury, i would take her to ER. Your sister hasn't involved h poo spice, has she?

Hospice.

No hospice, not at that point yet. We did finally force sister to provide part-time in-home health care (mainly housekeeping, no real healthcare involved), but mom still gets left unattended some nights and weekends when I work. She needs full time care, has many health issues that have been neglected, is being emotionally and financially abused. The care agency has called APS, the neighbors have called APS, I've called the cops, talked to her doctors, her lawyer. Siblings are useless. Family friends know our family situation and think I should just grin and bear it and endure the pain and do all the work, but I cannot continue and am not legally responsible, but don't want mom suffering like this, either.

Zoo, I've might have missed it, please explain why your Mom isn't in a continuing care facility? That would solve everyone's issues, and Mom would be in a safe place with around the clock care. Or is it Mom won't doesn't want to go? If so, she no longer has a dog in this fight.

Sister, who has POA, is trying to "protect mom's assets" and secure them for herself, rather than spend it on mom's care. "The sooner mom dies, the more money will be left for us." Mom would be much better off in a care facility, and being a highly social animal, she would probably thrive there. Mom and dad made detailed instructions and did all the right things to be able to remain in their own home, but that is obviously not working out for mom, although it easily could be managed for a while longer, if 24/7 care were provided. Sister doesn't understand that eventually mom won't be able to stay at home anyway and now thinks her way out of all this trouble is to move mom in with her family! She is only responding because the care agency reported potential neglect, and my sister is an RN -- she can lose her nursing license. They think they can handle it all, both work fulltime and have no problem whatsoever, with mom roaming around a 2 story house with no bedrooms on the first floor. Now, that would be an interesting way for them to find out what it's really like caring for mom, but mom hates their home, has a history of violence with this sister, made it well-known that she would kill herself before allowing that to happen, and everyone thinks she'd end-up dead within 2 weeks. That said, I wouldn't try to stop them, even if I could. I just don't believe they will ever do anything to really take care of mom, and their actions prove this, over and over again. So we're taking the ER route as soon as mom goes into one of her wacko phases and we'll see how that goes.

Home care aides are less expensive but are very limited in what they are and are not allowed to do. A person who really can't be left alone is being left alone and that is not OK. The documentation should help and either you or the care company or the ER can demand to get in touch with an APS supervisor who may be a little less useless than the front line staff. If and when you go to the ER - insist on a Social Worker and tell them what you have told us. Flatter, manipulate, weep, bribe, whatever it takes to convince them you are the most caring, saintly and deserving human being that walked the face of the earth to get them into your corner if need be. And given all you have been through, that wouldn't be far from the truth.

In response to your words ' "Family friends know our family situation and think I should just grin and bear it and endure the pain and do all the work", the next time they say this or hint of this, look them in the eyes and ask them when are they free to help you. Just as they told you to grin and bare it, perhaps they too can do the same so that you can do some necessary errands.

Hi vstefans, thanks for the kind words. Been a little overwhelmed with everything. This site helps a lot when I have time to follow.
Bookluvr, Very very good post!!

Has mom been declared in competent? Can she express her wishes, sign a check? In other words, can she take some control of the situation and express a desire to go to assisted living facility X? My brother has POA for mom, but as I understand it, as long as she hasn't been declared incompetent , she still has say so in where she lives and how her money gets spent.

You say that there has been violence (against your mom?) at your sister's ? Mom must feel strongly about sis to threaten suicide. No way to get poa changed?

It's hard to pin down the date mom was actually declared incompetent -- sis won't let us have access to medical records since she took over, so we're not really sure when the POA was sprung. Her PCP isn't sure what the heck is really going on, either. She called in a social worker to investigate over 4 months ago, but we still haven't seen anyone, despite hundreds of follow up calls. Regardless, mom isn't competent to sign anything, and anyone can clearly see that. Siblings that have the resources to battle sis for POA aren't interested in the fight. Sadly, one has no interest in mom as a human being and probably wishes her dead already; the other says he wants to help, but appears frozen and terrified by the evil sis with POA. There was a lot of physical violence between mom and my sister, starting when we were teens. It continued well into sis's adulthood. The day dad came home from hospital after his cancer surgery, sis showed her appreciation for mom doing the caregiving by beating the living crap out of her. Police calls were made, they were ready to arrest her, but mom caved in. She was concerned for the grandkids, who were 5 and 7 years old, dad had cancer, sister's husband was in the throes of a serious cocaine addiction, and mom didn't want the added burden of raising their kids. She ended up raising their kids anyway. There were so many police reports about the violence, too many fights to even count. All were quite bloody. There were always injuries of some kind. Mom is deaf due to sis grabbing a dog food can during an argument and hit her on the side of her head. This is why family friends are on me to stick with mom, at least until she is in some kind of protected environment. Unfortunately, the effort to get sis to do the right thing for mom is falling on deaf ears. The longer mom lives, the less money there will be for sis, so she's doing everything she can to make happen sooner, rather than later. She's an RN, so she knows exactly which medical treatments to neglect to accomplish that, and over the past 6 months, has achieved some remarkable results in speeding up mom's deterioration. She went from almost fully functional, able to take care of just about all her activities of daily living, to being completely dependent, terrified, filled with unsolved and untreated anxiety, arthritis treatments were stopped so she became completely sedentary, developed severe bedsores, and on and on. I had to take mom to the ER to get her bedsores taken care of and that forced sis to arrange to part-time in-home care (that was needed at least 6 months earlier). Forced isolation, taking away all money, including pocket change, not providing adequate food. The food and money things were psychological abuse: mom survived the Nazi concentration camps, so she's always worried about running out of money and food. He refrigerator was always packed to the brim. Now she's lucky if there's a partial loaf of bread, some processed lunchmeat and campbell's soup. I end up buying groceries so the caregivers can prepare her decent meals. Mom is the last person on the planet that this should be happening to. She spent most of her life caring for others, and helped take care of just about all the other older women on her street for over 50 years. She's the last one left, so there aren't any of them around to help her, now that she needs it.

Take her to the emergency room. And leave. It may be the only way to save her.

I have one last recourse before taking the ER "dump and run" approach. Mom is supposed to go to sis' house for dinner tonight. They know I am not going to be home tonight, as I will be working and will be staying at my own home the next few days. If they bring mom back to her home tonight and leave her alone again, it's the perfect opportunity to call 911 and ask for a welfare check. I've asked mom's neighbor, who's already called APS several times, if she would be willing to watch and make the call this evening. I hate having to set things up this way, and am really uncomfortable with the emotional damage going through that might cause mom, but I'd rather see her upset and alive than dead.

What happened thezoo? I don't think of it as "dump and run" but as getting the professionals involved. I have had to face the "safety vs happiness" issue. . Many of us (care givers) face that. We want our parent to be happy, though in my mother's case as she has a personality disorder, it is more not wanting to trigger her anger. But without doubt her safety had to come first. She was suicidal and very paranoid in her beautifully decorated 2 bedroom apartment in an upscale ALF. She needed to be assessed and treated and then placed appropriately. My sis came to visit and tried to move her to an inferior ALF which was cheaper(for that reason). Mother wanted to move as it was one of her ways of dealing with her paranoia. I, as POA was not consulted and refused to cooperate, which threw sis as she would never do the actual work of moving, nor did she care to find out what services mother would have had there. In fact, they were inferior to what she had where she was. It was a mess, I got many abusive phone calls from mother and sister and finally ended up not answering any of them. My sis finished her visit, went home, and then maligned me by email accusing me, among other things, of having a vested interest in my mother's demise. Talk about projection! In the meanwhile, the professionals became involved - a community psychiatric team who eventually sent mother to a geriatric psychiatric hospital where she stayed almost a year. They tested her extensively, after some resistance got her on an antipsychotic, and we have just moved her to a facility that deal with seniors with mental health issues. It is where she belongs. The social worker communicated with my sister to give me a break. I communicate with my niece now and not my sister. It works reasonably well. Anyway, that is my story to date. The staff at the new place are absolutely delightful, down to the volunteers in the Tuck shop -very kind and caring and mother could not be in better hands. That after al, is what we want. Your mother is not safe in the current arrangement. Do what you have to do and come back and update us. ((((((hugs))))) I know it is hard.

ZOO, please stop thinking of yourself as the bad guy. Dump and run my a$$. You are trying to get your mom the care she needs without killing yourself .

zookeeper I like the plan for tonight - "wise as a seprent, innocent as a dove."

It has been 1 step forward, 3 steps back, for too long. I had to leave for my own home today, which is over 150 miles from mom's, to take care of things that can't be neglected, and I have to work the next 3 days. When I left this afternoon, mom was with her part time aide and the nurse from the care agency was at the house making calls to get coverage while I'm away. There is something cooking with the sibs, but I have no idea what the final outcome is going to be. I hope it's ALF or a NH, whichever is most appropriate for mom. I think we're past the live-in full time caregiver time, and if not, it would probably be necessary to move mom to NH soon anyway. I'd rather not see a bunch of moves, if that could be avoided. First priority for me this week has to be home, not mom. Second priority was making sure mom had someone there all the time. I've got a call in to mom's PCP to give her an update to see what I can find out, if they're working with her to move mom. If that's not in the works, it will be by the time I'm off that phone call. We had a good weekend together. Mom, of course, wasn't happy that I would be away for a few more days again, but it's either crying or yelling every time I leave anyway, so I've gotten immune to that sort of thing and just shrug it off as best I can.

Good news UPDATE: Mom now has round-the-clock, 24/7 care. It's not yet a permanent situation, but at least she's not being left alone anymore, and I can finally get back at least some normal in my life! Shame it had to take such a battle to get to this point.

Wonderful news thezoo - but remember that it happened because you rocked the boat....keep on rocking!

thezoo - that is great. Hope improvements in your mum's care continue. Well done!!!