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This is why its time to move her in a home. You need to save yourself, your marriage, your relationships. Also get counseling for yourself. Bless you.
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It sounds familiar. It's quite common that family members "disappear" when an elderly family member needs aging-care. They dump all that responsibility on the one who initially volunteers. The job of a caregiver is though, time consuming and around the clock. It's a task for healthcare professionals, not amateurs. Caring for the elderly is better done in specialized agencies. Family members are inadequate for this work because the have no expertise and they can't be objective because of being emotionally involved. I realize that when money resources aren't sufficient, the family is the last resort.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
"They dump all that responsibility on the one who initially volunteers."

so true.
i had no idea, until well...it happened.

i immediately volunteered, jumping up and down like a happy puppy, to help with whatever problem. of course i'll help, because i adore my parents.

i divided up the work, spoke with my siblings, asked their opinion, asked politely if they could please do B, C, while i do A...

i had no idea they would do nothing.

1 brother...(so baddd), again and again said, "yes i promise i'll do B + C!"

and then he never did.
this made things much worse, because my parents and i believed him. B + C were administrative/fairly urgent problems, and they kept being pushed back. this had very bad consequences. but my brother kept promising he'll do it.

now i know he had no intention to do it.
he just didn't want to look bad.

i ended up having to do B, C, D, E, F....

----------

i wish us all lots of courage, dealing with silly people.
i wish us to be surrounded by kind, loving people.

hug!!

:)

and i wish us all a wonderful weekend!! :)
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Option A: Put her in a good senior care facility.

Option B: If A is not an option due to cost or lack of quality home you can afford, then I suggest you take some long staycations in an Airbnb and replace yourself with a live-in caregiver every two months or so. (This is what I do).

Option C: Some homes have respite services (much like those for pets). Periodically put her in one for a few weeks.

Option D: If you don't have the money for either of those options then I suggest talking to all the family and friends you have about covering for you for a period time and going with Option B. You can find very affordable Airbnbs; even if it's just three nights and four days, you can have time for yourself. It's Self Care; You absolutely need to do that.

[For the record, I'm in a similar situation. I have moved into my father's home to care for him. My father cannot move at all (dead weight) and refuses to get into the Hoyer lift (I manage a team of caregivers who lift him with a belt; eventually someone quits and I go on to find another).]

Remember: Self Care is a must to survive this.

Peace.
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