Impatience with impatient mom with dementia. Any ideas on how to deal?

Wait Wait Wait just a minute here !!
If you have a parent in your life (or any other person) who has consistantly been a problem for you,,,, get them into a safe, controled living situation and then you just visit them ! You deserve and are entitled to a happy life ! My mom who is now 85 years old always said " Life is too short to be unhappy for more than one day in a row....but only YOU can change your life "!!!
Soooo, stop throwing pearls before swine ! These unappreciative human unhappiness machines need safe care but you do not have to "sacrifice" your life and freedom for people who have been mostly disrespectful and harmful to you your entire life ! You only owe it to them to make sure that they are safely cared for,,,by someone else !! Take your life back !!!

Good mum bad mum this is hard no matter what! I have had 5days of constant washing? for someone who spends her life in her PJs where the hell are all the clothes coming from?? she asked me what was in the basket I said "please do not touch them they are my CLEAN clothes ill iron them later,ok she said? Came home from shops theres my clean clothes in the machine with her smelly dirty pooh clothes i havnt eaten today am so MAD its just getting worse but we have a choice completly LOSE IT or as another post said learn to let it go and ignore her? Damn Hard! I walk away have a bath or just not be around her as im too annoyed and stressed AND sad. I hope this washing obsession dosnt last long as i really cant handle it. My mum was a good mum although negative and unhappy but since the dementia shes become nasty! Shes been taking aricept for 3wks now and I think its calmed her down but made her more agitated?
We all feel guilty we think we can fix it or make it better we cant we can just make them safe and comfortble while trying damn hard not to lose it ourselves!!

You are not a bad person. You are not a bad child, You are human. I think if siblings don't help, they may not be capable of giving what is needed anyway. Maybe that's why they don't help out. Maybe it's a blessing that they don't!

My husband and I live with his 90-something parents. We discovered that while he has dementia, she is the difficult one; probably from burnout. Possibly from the beginnings of dementia, We are learning how to deal with her; he is easy. No he doesn't remember much, yes he asks the same things several times a day, forgets that he can't stand or use the bathroom because of a stroke, but he is ever grateful, mostly cheerful and fun.

On the other hand, she takes everything very personal, as if he got dementia and had a stroke to spite her. She is stingy with him (wants to reuse diapers because they just smell!), cold, treats us like we are children who know nothing about anything (both over 60), and when we treat him nice or say I love you,, it's just for show. And his three brothers idea of helping out is disappearing or showing up for dinner once a week!

Patience is a learned skill and we are in an AP class!. I've been sick in bed for two weeks, so my hubby has been doing it all alone, Yesterday he blew up at everyone because we get no help from his brothers, and his mother was making matters worse. His mother, he and I later talked, firmly with love, about the situation and her behavior with semi-positive results. She actually apologized to me.

I used some Christian caregiver skills I acquired years ago to have that conversation. Like "When you ...., I feel .... Taking responsibility for my feelings while placing responsibility for poor behavior on her shoulders. I learned long ago from dealing with my mentally ill mother that a) it isn't personal, and b) I need to ask myself "what do I hope to gain from this?" and "how can I act to be sure I get it?" The answers determine my behavior. Not that I don't occasionally treat everyone to a taste of their own medicine or heir own words, but I try to keep that to a minimum. It doesn't pay well. :)

Everybody has their own way of dealing with their care receiver and since we are all different, nothing always works for everybody. And nobody can do it alone.

If you can't get respite care, contact your church and see if there are members who will/can sit with your parent for a couple of hours while you just get away. Or maybe a neighbor, friend, community group, ?? Be creative. You need it. You owe it not just to yourself, but to your parent!

Braida, I had exactly the same thing happen to me when I took mom shoe shopping a short time ago. The only thing different was , when I decided we had to leave she screamed at the top of her voice, she had to pee. I took her to the bathroom in the store and she cussed and told me what for the entire time. I gone shopping since.

Impatience is definitely not only a virtue, but a must. I sometimes wonder if I've learned to be patient with my mom and brother, or with my own initial thoughts of "they should know better". I had to force myself to come to that conclusion and tolerate my own shortcomings.

Braida, though your shoe shopping story was surely not funny to you at the time, I laughed as I read it . . . because I've had very similar incidents, especially in the earlier stages of my dad's dementia. Sometimes you just have to laugh; sure beats crying and filling one's self with stress. I've been fortunate that my Dad has never screamed at me. He's stoic . . . and stubborn. It seems he knows at some level that I cannot make him do anything if he doesn't want to.

CJHelper, your comments about Christian caregiving skills are good. Deep down in their being and beyond the dementia, our parents, siblings, spouses are human beings who want recognition, care, attention, and respect. But they often don't fit into our busy schedules! Their lives are at a much different pace!

For those caregivers once disrespected or abused by their family member, my heart goes out to you. Maybe, as someone commented, serving as a caregiver can help us learn to overcome what has hurt us. Forgiveness is powerful because it releases us. It certainly is not easy. But it can be empowering. I am still learning. (oh and I wasn't really abused; just as a female, my opinion is not near as important or valid as a male's is. Brothers got/get more respect. Partly his generation).

And Skeeter, ahh, you are so right too . . . when that works out. But there are situations where that isn't always possible. Also, I think it's important to realize that some people still want to care for their loved ones at home because it's important to the caregiver or the wishes of the loved one. They make the choice, but that doesn't necessarily mean the caregivers are happy with everything that occurs in this difficult role. And sometimes just getting out some frustrations or talking about exasperating situations helps deflate the stress balloon. After all, some caregiving is not dementia related, Some caregiving is with young children born with physical and mental challenges.

Still, attitude plays into so much doesn't it? That's one reason I also like the positive thread someone started. Because we can relate to one another's difficulties in caregiving, we can rejoice in those small (and big)
joys we experience.

Great thread, also good to know that I am not alone. Patience is one thing that I pray for along with respite. What happens is when I get snappy or rude it makes me feel terrible but she forgets it in 5 minutes - so who is it really hurting? Then I must be able to forgive myself for being impatient but I am only human and to think that I can do this perfectly is ridiculous. I just got back from the doctors with my Mother where she was being "spoiled princess" because everyone else should talk loud enough so she can hear. This is her reality, so self absorbed and really boring to be around. She is settled in right now and I am off for a little respite for the next 4 hours because that is the only way I can keep my sanity. You are not a bad daughter, just a human one.

Yeah, same here. My mom thinks I have nothing else to do but cater to her. She is in assisted living 15 min. Away. Called her today because she told me day before yesterday she wanted to go look at dresses so I offered to take her. After I left my house she called and left a message that she didn't need to go TODAY. when I got there she didn't want to go.
I loose patience with her sometimes and "talk hard" to her. One blessing (for us) is that they forget what we say sometimes in minutes. I still feel guilty because I expect when she gets stronger physically she will remember what she needs to do. Some of her actions are just unbelievable. She can be inconsiderate of what I am going through in my life (husband with cancer) and yet expect me to not be irritated when she pulls her "pity me" act. She says "you'll be old some day", and I say, I'm 69 and like you, don't have the patience I need. I'm already old!
As they say on here, just keep on keeping on. When they are gone we will be glad we tried to be good to them. Doesn't make our daily life easier, but maybe then it will seem to have been worthwhile.
Donna

Well, from observation, I would say when we begin to grow impatient it might be time to consider respite...respite can look whatever way you want it to look from hours, days, weeks or more. There are facilities, nursing homes as well I believe, that will take a person for these short periods...I know $$ and other situations could prevent this as an option but throwing it out there. When they are functional enought to keep feeding the dog or to leave the refrigerator door open that would be enough to drive anyone crazy because they won't get it! At least a child learns to do what you say/learns the rules..my mom is beyond those behaviors ....but i remember when i was dealing with what many of you are dealing with--

If you are awful then I am standing right beside you because I go through the same exact thing every single day without fail! This is all part of her disease and of us trying to deal with. They are like children that never learn because they are of course losing memory not gaining it.

My mother will ask me at least 50 times a day, "has the dog been fed?" Now after answering her 30th question, I am ready to scream. I thought, okay I am typing up big huge notes "The dog has been fed" and taping them to the doors, walls, light fixture, on shocking pink paper. She will still ask me the same question, I will point to the sign and say "Mom I put these up here to remind you that the dog has been fed." She says, "Oh those things are up there all the time, I don't even read them!" After the screaming subsides within my head.... I say "Mom I just put these up after I fed the dog, you have to read the sign." She says, "It's just as easy for you to answer me!" No lie, this is crazy making!!!!

I took my Mom to a Gerontology Case Manager who prescribed a day and night medication for her that has helped with some of the troublesome behavior and is allowing her to sleep at night. It has cut down on the number of times she asks the same question but has not stopped it.

Most of us are living this scenario for this first and hopefully last time, so everything that happens is a new learning experience for us. I have found that I have to bite my tongue ALOT, I do not have to answer every question nor do I have to reply to every comment (my daughter is teaching me this one). When we had children we learned to tune out some of the stuff they said or did and now we have to re-gain that ability to use on our parents. It will help to save your sanity!

Never think that what you are doing is being awful, you are stuck in a very difficult situation and you are handling it the best you can, we all are!

Hello Raven1, Going through this the first time with my Mom was bad enough. Now doing it again with my Dad is going to be the end of me.

Wordy2shoes, I totally do not understand the concept of how working our @sses off, being used, abused, and disrespected, and repeatedly being pushed into raging anger, and sacrificing our own lives and relationships, for these demented people, can possibly "help us overcome" the negative feeling of being neglected and disrespecting by them in the past. All I get out of it is more negative feelings, that now get spread out to encompass siblings who don't help and abandoned this burden on me.

And about your statement: "Oh and I wasn't really abused; just as a female, my opinion is not near as important or valid as a male's is. Brothers got/get more respect. Partly his generation" Oh my goodness, I shouted " Yes ! Yes! That's my life in a nutshell" when I read that. I think you must have grown up in my house. (Are you Italian by any chance?)

I had four brothers, I was the only girl. I spent my childhood shouting "It's not fair!!!" ..because it wasn't. I was never allowed to do what they could, go where they could. I was never allowed to have an opinion that wasn't put down and told I was wrong. And while I had to clean house, do dishes, cook, vacuum, etc. they were "boys" and that was "woman's work". Somehow, I don't remember the brothers doing much "men's work" (Mom mowed the lawn more often than anyone ). The boys were busy with school activities. I wasn't allowed. I don't remember ever having a conversation with my dad that didn't consist if him telling me to do some work, or that I was wrong or stupid or that what ever it was I was doing was just not good enough. Nothing was ever good enough; no report card, no gift, no cleaning or cooking job, nothing. But I remember hearing how wonderful my brothers were all the time. Now that Dad's needs ..well he needs and needs and needs just about everything, he doesn't ever ask them because "They're busy". whereas I only had a house, a husband and a nightshift job. What could I possibly be doing in the middle of the day that I couldn't run over and sort through his junk mail ...right now !

And that's the tiniest part of it.... Nope, can't see how any of this is going to "help" do anything at all. Except maybe help me into my own grave.

Donna1944: My dad once used that same line on me about "you'll be old some day". I shot back with the answer: "No I won't, because you are killing me

My heart goes out to all of you. Being a caregiver is hard work, but oh so rewarding. I had the opportunity to know my Mother as an adult, as a woman, as a Mom and I learned so much more than I ever would have had I not cared for her. She's gone now 10 months today and her birthday is coming up and it will be hard to be without her on her birthday and the holidays coming up. But I do know she's okay and no longer suffering. Be patient, God only gives you what He thinks you can handle, do know that.

How about a mother who does not have dementia, but stills wears your patience thin. My mother is a obsessive worrier and feels things should be done immediately. Talking on the phone with her is a one way conversation, wanting my advice, but never giving me the chance because she is to busy droning on and on. I have had to catch myself from starting to go off on her. I just don't have the patience for her trivial emotional drama so I limit myself to interacting with her.

Sounds like everyone should buy this book:
Boundaries
By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend

It saved me and gave me so many good ideas! It's a paperback and not much money....$12 or so? For Debralee and re: the phone....just remember, you can always 'get another call' and end it. I've found that I can diffuse a lot with my Mom by calling her on my terms and setting the boundary like: "Hey Mom, I wanted to call and check on you, because I've got to leave in 5 minutes for an appointment and didn't want you to call and not get me". I've also had some of her friends tell her that she simply should NOT call me 10-15 times a day, but should make a list of things she thinks I need to know. Now she's 'been trained' and she only calls once or twice generally. Since I am out of town, I always phone her in the evening, to be sure she is home and locked in for the night. Conversations are really irritating and non important, as you say you have....but sometimes, I don't even respond since she doesn't want an opinion....just wants to 'complain'. If she starts in on sounding like she wants ME to fix it, I give it back to to her, "Well Mom, how could you fix that? What could you say? What could you do about it? Is it even fixable?" She doesn't persist too much anymore with how I should do something about it cause she knows I am not going to 'bite' and take it off her hands. Like GayleV....I never did and never DO do it right anyhow. And when I have to do something, whatever I did do, she would have done differently once I do it. I am convinced that some parents want to lay it all on their kids, so that in case it doesn't work, it won't be 'their fault' but someone elses. When I am with my Mom, she wants me to 'make the call for her' because she cannot hear or something. If I don't agree with the need to make a call, I just say, "Well, here, I'll dial the phone for you..." She hates that. She wants me to talk while she stands in the background and says, 'tell them this or that'! Its cause she's hard of hearing and it's difficult to hear with her hearing aids in and she can't hear at all with them out! BUT....we're NOT going to spend any $$ on a new phone!! How much of it all is just a need for attention? A need to know that someone....anyone.....cares about them??? I don't know. But, with some parents' behaviors, they just make people NOT want to pay any good attention anyhow. They create the desire to avoid them totally. The caregiver 'child', however, has to be able to say NO and realize that there is no need to take abuse. I've told my own mother, that I HAVE to take care of myself, and she needs to help because if I am not in the picture, she has NO ONE LEFT! AND....I still have my father's issues, their bills, their money and my husband and my own business to keep up with. We have two daughters, with good husbands and families, who are stable and helpful to me, from out of state....thank goodness. It's a rough walk and there are many a day that I talk to GOD about that verse about HE doesn't give us more than we can handle!! I get busy telling Him that I need a little break; or a little more resources or a little more energy etc....if He is SURE I can keep on doing what I'm doing!

hi Barb, the way your mom has behaved in the past and the present has nothing to do with you. It has to do with her own issues. Do not put anymore of your own personal energy to analyze why she behaves the way she behaves and stop trying to be that perfect daughter. You are already perfect because you are a good person with a compassionate heart to have taken the role of a caregiver. My own parents are verbally abusive creatures (mom is the ringleader and dad is her follower and another bully) and I will not be caring for them when and if they become invalid because of years of torment and they shouldn't have become parents in the first place. Therefore, they will have to rely on their own relatives to care for them. I'm only caring for my grandpa who has dementia and he was more of a father and a teacher to me when I was growing up and now I am here for him and he receives the BEST of care from me. There's a saying "You reap what you sow!" Grandpa helped me with my homework when I was struggling in school because he was a retired teacher and a school principal, he taught me a lot of wisdom, he seldom complained when he helped me. He took us to school and did a lot of stuff for me and my sisters. When people treat their descendants with love and kindness, then that love and kindness gets returned either from those descendants or from somewhere else.

Skeeter...it would be so nice if everyone had that choice. My mom has only her social security and in Indiana you have to "not be able to leave your home except for doctor visits" to qualify for assistance. Even though she is 90 and losing her eyesight and hearing, onset of dementia on top of narcissitic personality, and getting frail....she does not qualify because she is capable of dressing herself, bathing herself and leaving the house to go places. I do have her on a waiting list for Area 6 hoping that by the time they have an opening on the long waiting list - she will qualify for some type of help even if not full time assistance

Could you share the medications that have helped her? I believe I am correct in saying that this is a phase that should diminish...who knows when of course. Glad the meds are helping...(she can't feel comfortable with darn thought on her mind all the time either). When she begins how about saying ok mom, oh hear you go and hand her any item from A-Z as a distraction: ideas include stuffed animal, (some like to fold washcloths and like to play with differet textures), washcloth, felt, ball to hold in hand (big enough so she can't swallow it), playing cards, you get the idea. It's worth a try, "here you go"with a kiss on the cheek (which you can later discontinue) I know i went through this with mom every night over her bank statements..it passed.

Momhouseme: Remeron and Celexa are anti depressants that helped my Mom. We tried Seraquel but it did not work.

Seroquel is a drug for schizophrenia and our doctor explained usage has expanded to the elderly in cases of agitation and aggression. Works for Mom and I'm grateful. Doctor also said dosage has to be increased over time when the patient's body adapts to the medication.

where is the thread: Caregivers take back control?

I have no patience at all, never have. I ask God to help me with that and sometimes He listens to me. I just have to make changes in areas I CAN make changes in. I cannot change my husband. I get upset because 'he did it yesterday, why can't he do it today'. I started writing down my thoughts and how my day went, just a notepad/spiral from the grocery store. It helps me cope. It also helps me remember when he did something, or when he went to the bathroom (#2) last....always good to know if you have visiting nurse. You are not alone. Change what you can to make it easier on both of you. May be easier to train your dog. And I am not being a smarty pants saying that.

Hi Meatjeanne, You might want to rethink the idea of asking God for patience. After all, God can't send you patience unless He also sends you another opportunity to use it.

Mystical22 I went through the forum and did find it by accident. I hope I can find it again as I have been thinking about some things to talk about with you.

i have heard many people say, Never pray for patience as God will test you... maybe its true!

You pray for what you want, I will pray for what i want.

barb, think of her as a person who needs help, not as your mom. Its hard but maybe it will help. We as humans like to help others bot when someone is not nice to us we don't want to be nice to that person. Try seeing her as someone who needs love, caring, attention. My parents had lot of problems, end up being not good parents. I had a real hard time when they needed help, I could not stand my dad but now things have changed. I don't see him as my dad but a little child who needs my help. I would feel wrong helping others but my own dad. It is very hard but we have to do it.

In this case, try talking to your mom about the 'goods' and 'bads' of an assisted living facility.
Talk to her about it again and again for a couple of days.
Take her once or twice to an assisted living facility and show her the beautiful apartments and surroundings in there.
This way, if she is impressed, you can set her up in a beautiful apartment within an assisted living facility.

my thoughts go out to all of you wonderful people I take care of my mum who is 81 with my 2 sisters helping we all take week staying with our mum and we all support each other my mum is not aggressive at this stage it is just sad we cannot have the same conversation but we listen and try our best to give her the right answer she is constantly talking about the children and if they are safe I assume she might be talking about us or my mum in England during the war in the bomb shelters but we listen and assure her they are safe my mum see people or things that are not there and with the tv she thinks they are talking to her for example when I ask my mum for a cup of tea she will ask me to ask the person on the tv (which I do )as I read they are in a new world and try to be in her world I do not put any pressure on her I let her do things at her pace and time I take as each day that comes and not what is going to happen
take care to all

same thing with me I feel fo r you I hope you do nott become like me after 11 years now all i do is scream watch cameras have to have them cuz my mom is 1oo percent bed ridden and I have to do everythingfor her and after I scream I really feel horrible I pray to have more compassion at times it works but try not to be like I am you are not a bad daughter dont ever think that anytime you feel you need to vent you can vent to me if ou would ike I do understand take care

Oh my gosh, I can't believe that anyone has the same situation I do. I thought mine was so unique!! My mom has two big dogs and constantly HAS to feed them every time she sits down to eat. It is driving me absolutely nuts. I have had to prepare special foods just for the dogs so that she will eat her own food. She never used to be like this...dogs were never even allowed in the house before!!
I understand the guilt feelings too. I get so mad at my mom sometimes and then I get mad at myself for getting mad at her!!