My Mother lives alone and is 95 years old. She is a gambling addict and a hoarder. I went to work tonight and was only their 10 minutes when my son called and said grandma needs you. She has shortness of breath and is shaking. I left work immediately and there were 2 ambulances in her driveway. I rushed up the driveway and they told me she is fine. She just had a panic attack but she wants us to take her to the hospital. I said ok I’ll meet you there. I made up my mind I was telling them everything. The ER doctor checked her over and didn’t find anything wrong. He then took her socks off because she said her toes hurt and all this white dust and stuff came out of her socks. He asked when the last time she changed her socks. She said she couldn’t remember. They immediately brought in a social worker. She told her that her house had clutter and I whispered hoarder so the social worker heard me. She kept trying to talk my mom into having a nurse or aide come to her house. She said no. A few minutes later I got the social worker aside and told her she is not bathing or changing her clothes, or washing her hair, that she won’t do laundry and she is a hoarder with just a path to get around the house. I am crying and pleading at this time and said I’m sorry. She refuses help. There is nothing we can do since she is competent. She said she has to fall or something before anybody can’t intervene. Nobody is calling APS. Not the hospital or the EMTs. There were 3 of them in her filthy house. The social worker told me to call APS if I wanted but don’t be surprised if they say there is nothing we can do because she is competent. This is outrageous. I live in upstate ny and there is no mandatory reporting of a self neglecting individual. Needless to say I had to bring her back home. I got her settled in and then I left.
You’re not alone. The only reason I somewhat detached is because my mom is with my brother. Truthfully, she needs to be in a facility. My brother is not well. He is a heart patient. My sister in law works full time shift work. If she were alone, there is no way that I could. Just being honest...when mom was at her house and wouldn’t answer her phone, I would hop in my car and drive over to check on her. Where was she? In the bathroom. She didn’t have a cell then.
This may sound terrible to some but I feel like the deacon that visits the memory care where Lealonnie works who says that he prays for his mom to die so her suffering to end. I think there comes a time when death is a blessing.
Have you discussed with her doctor the fact that she is not managing her symptoms? Does SHE realize that she has a fib and understand the dangers of not taking meds?
Has the doc ordered a neuropsych exam, which will possibly show her lack of insight and ability to plan?
Folks who are still competent who realize that they are "slipping" are sometimes able to trust their adult children to make critical decisions for them. Others dig their heels in and demand that they have things their way.
The thing is, in my view, is that WE as adult children can only cajole, suggest and point out benefits of care to our parents. If they choose to ignore or mistrust us, I think we have to back off and give them the opportunity to come to the end that they've chosen for themselves.
A relative recently left rehab to live home on her own - mini mental showed she was ok, ambulation looked ok, she's deemed competent so she went home. Within 24 hours, she exhibited signs that there are in fact cognition problems and she's back in rehab. We all knew it wasn't a good idea to go home (time for AL), but she had the right to make the call. We're hoping that now she'll get seen by a neurologist (they're usually a few months out on appointments) quickly.
I think somehow you have to make peace with an ugly situation but it surely isn’t easy to do. It’s tough!
I admire people who can detach like that. I feel so deeply that it’s really hard for me to detach in certain situations. I suppose it’s a learned skill.
Some laws should be changed. Just like laws that when elderly people marry their benefits are cut. So people just live together instead of getting married.
Not all laws are good. You know that I live in the south. I love many things about the south, hospitality, food, music, warm weather and so on.
There are some things I detest about the south, public schools are horrible, nursing homes here are rated last too, and there are still Jim Crow laws on our law books. Come on, in 2020 that is absolutely insane! It’s embarrassing to me.
Unless people complain nothing ever changes. It’s hard because I am passive by nature but I vote in every single election to vote certain people in and also to vote certain people out! I vote on what is important to me.
I feel it’s absurd to release your mom back to her home. So now you have to be on pins and needles now waiting for something horrible to happen. Your mom has to be scared too.
I feel the people who have their parents in a facility have more peace of mind that someone will be there to help. Whereas, people who have parents at home all alone have anxiety about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sad but true. Their anxiety is normal.
I feel your pain, Elaine!
Would you have doctors force medications on you when you are old and just want nature to take its course?
Taking blood thinners makes her vulnerable to internal bleeding if she falls. It's a legitimate care choice.
It seems like common sense is thrown out of the window, doesn’t it?
As suggested, if you could get a camera in there, without her knowing, you could at least be able to know if she is up and about, reducing your need to worry and if something happens it wouldn't take a week to find out.
Assumption is you have no POA or HIPPA authorization. If you do, I would want her doctors to determine WHY all the panic attacks. She's had several now in a short time. ER is not the place to seek dianosis. Unless you are bleeding profusely, having a heart attack, have broken bones or some other blatantly obvious issue, they aren't going to do much for you. Even if it is one of those, they are only going to stabilize as best they can and refer you elsewhere. If not authorized, can you at least make requests for her doctor to get her fully checked to see what the issue is?
As for why FD not EMT, they have emergency capability too, and if no ambulance/EMT is available, you get FD. If both were tied up, you'd likely get PD.
Hopefully this FD person can get some kind of ball rolling. While it is hard not to react to them telling you it needs to be cleaned, understand it isn't his fault either! He hasn't been part of the issue really (even though he said it was just as bad 8 years ago, he likely has no more authority than you - he could report it, but if no one takes action, his hands are tied too.) I would welcome any help the FD can provide and express my thanks, even if it is after the fact. You NEED someone like this in your camp!
I don't know the details, but the people living across the street from my former house had issues. A friend who is a plumber had been in the house and said it was disgusting. She was on oxygen, but would go to the little entry space to smoke. The place was apparently dirty and cluttered. He had at least one ambulance call. Last I knew, they were forced out and the place was condemned. So, on some level there should be those who CAN intervene, but we know how that goes. This was all in a fairly small town, so if they can do it, anyone can!
Let this play out as it will, Elaine. Stand by and wait, is all you can do
And the fact that you are no longer covering for your mother is going to expose her vulnerabilities.
She is going to keep having panic attacks and calling 911. Let this play out, Elaine.
You tried to help and she and the system wouldn't let you. You just have to wait for some outside force to intervene. Sounds like that has started.