My Mother lives alone and is 95 years old. She is a gambling addict and a hoarder. I went to work tonight and was only their 10 minutes when my son called and said grandma needs you. She has shortness of breath and is shaking. I left work immediately and there were 2 ambulances in her driveway. I rushed up the driveway and they told me she is fine. She just had a panic attack but she wants us to take her to the hospital. I said ok I’ll meet you there. I made up my mind I was telling them everything. The ER doctor checked her over and didn’t find anything wrong. He then took her socks off because she said her toes hurt and all this white dust and stuff came out of her socks. He asked when the last time she changed her socks. She said she couldn’t remember. They immediately brought in a social worker. She told her that her house had clutter and I whispered hoarder so the social worker heard me. She kept trying to talk my mom into having a nurse or aide come to her house. She said no. A few minutes later I got the social worker aside and told her she is not bathing or changing her clothes, or washing her hair, that she won’t do laundry and she is a hoarder with just a path to get around the house. I am crying and pleading at this time and said I’m sorry. She refuses help. There is nothing we can do since she is competent. She said she has to fall or something before anybody can’t intervene. Nobody is calling APS. Not the hospital or the EMTs. There were 3 of them in her filthy house. The social worker told me to call APS if I wanted but don’t be surprised if they say there is nothing we can do because she is competent. This is outrageous. I live in upstate ny and there is no mandatory reporting of a self neglecting individual. Needless to say I had to bring her back home. I got her settled in and then I left.
A person who refuses help may eventually accept it. It is important for everyone to stay involved and support the vulnerable adult as much as he or she will allow.
It's stressful, waiting for a crisis. Plus, if it happens, you don't know what people, G-d forbid, might accuse you of. Hopefully they don't. Yes, you can get DPOA and guardianship before something happens. But that's a long and expensive process.
We need a better way.
So is doing nothing better than being proactive in any way? So there isn’t any place to report anything else? Sorry for my ignorance but I feel for everyone in this situation and truly would like to know how they could solve this situation.
I'm keeping this one in my tool box.
Thanks Lea!
Doesn’t seem fair, Elaine.
You know what? I think the social worker should have to live with her for a week. Boy, she would change her mind then!
Elaine,
Can you imagine if a fire broke out? My Lord, it would be awful!
Elaine, I truly hope this situation has a sensible solution soon!
Your mother has some huge cushions. You will bail her out of the messes she creates. She knows that.
The EMTs will bail her out by taking her to the ER for every little episode she has.
Nobody will 'do' anything about her living conditions so she knows she's safe and will be left alone.
The answer here is YOU.
Stop doing for her. Stop bailing her out. Stop rushing to the ER when the phone rings. Tell your son to call you when the crisis du jour is over with and to let you know the results. That you are WORKING and have no more leave time. Sorry mom.
Allow her to fall and hurt herself or get very sick and THAT is when she will be forced to vacate her hoarding den and get placed elsewhere.
As long as you keep picking up the pieces of the messes she makes, she's got a safe haven.
Sometimes we have to stop doing that and let the chips fall where they may. In this case, at 95 years old, I think it's the only way to get your stubborn mother the help she truly needs. By FORCING it.
Otherwise, step back and let mother live life on HER terms. Which may mean dying on her terms, too. She's a grown woman and has a right to make her own decisions, right or wrong, at least that's what everyone keeps telling you, right?
Sending you a giant hug and a prayer too. None of this is easy, that's for sure.
Not only do you drop everything and come when summoned, you tolerate her insults. She treats you poorly because you allow her to. It sounds like she's mean to you and sweet as pie to outsiders. I encourage you to read the book Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt by Peg Streep.
Since Elaine doesn’t live with her mom she can’t get into any trouble then with elder abuse charges. Is that correct? Excuse my ignorance. Are children ever forced to take responsibility for their parents legally in any one of our states in this country?
Call APS. Let them investigate. If they don't take her out, at least you have made a paper trail to protect you. Then call the Health Department. Again a paper trail.
The only thing that may get Mom out of there is no running water. Where I live no running water is a health hazard. Think about it, you need water to flush a toilet.
I would not have asked Mom if she wanted to go to the doctor, I would have just taken her. I learned not to "ask" no will always be the answer. I would just tell. Not 100% but worked most of the time.
When an Aunt if mine went to pick up her sister (also my Aunt) for an appt, she was still in her stained housecoat and slippers. Her hair was a mess, etc. We all had figured Dementia for a while. My Aunt put her sister in the car and took her to the doctor's the way she looked. As soon as the Dr. saw her he knew something was wrong. My Aunt had her hair done every week. Was well dressed. He sent her for a 72 hour evaluation. It was found she had ALZ, which runs in her family. My cousins offered to have her live with them but she didn't want to. So a really nice AL was found. It transitioned from independent living, to AL and then LTC.
You may have hit on something useful. The elderly people who have animals could be reported for animal abuse. The animal rescue group must document their cases. That information may help build a case for the elderly person, saying that they can’t care for animals or themselves. It would give the family members some ammunition against the system.
It was round and round, hospital, rehab, home and repeat for over 2 years. Her son and grandchildren would not help. Social worker told me she could essentially be laying in her own feces but if she wasn't declared "incompetent" she could live that way.
I finally backed away and told her I was not helping. She finally went. She is thriving in AL, has made friends, participates in their activities, etc.
It's not perfect but that might help. Good luck to you and your mother.
It is frustrating - but if she is competent, she can make her own bad decisions. But.... YOU don't have to pick up the pieces. I was always frustrated that i had to do the hospital runs, the runs to the grocery store etc. yet got no cooperation with teeth brushing, bathing, socks, etc.
Sometimes you have to step back and let the inevitable happen, the fall or medical emergency that takes the decision out of their hands. Waiting for the train wreck.
Because you cannot change her behavior, you have to change yours. What I did with mthr was to not visit her house at all. Nothing. I refused to be in that mess of a firetrap. You might say, but then Mommy won't get her groceries, or social activity... That's your point. If people won't go visit her mess, then she has to either give up the mess and move to an AL, or clean it up on her own. We know she does not want either, but you have leverage to pry her from her home once she runs out of groceries. You can bargain with her... I'll take you to the store IF we go to your doctor's and you have an exam first. Hopefully you have photos of the inside of the hoard, the kitchen, bath, her bedroom, the path to her chair, and the path from the chair to the door as evidence that her living conditions are unsafe. (Take those photos first, before drawing this line!). You'll also need POA if you don't have it already.
Depending on the Dr visit, you can now find the appropriate level of care in a home (NH, MC, or AL). Now when something happens that ends with her in the ER, you will have a list of places to call. And you will continue to use groceries or visits as barganing chips - but **don't go in the house** - protect yourself from it!
Hoarding should be considered a mental illness and safety hazard, I'm surprised more action isn't taken in these situations.
I'm wondering a couple things... what would have happened if you refused to take your mom back home? Just left the hospital? There was a poster here recently who did just that, although I don't recall that he followed up with what happened. Would the hospital consider her home "safe" to discharge to?
Here is another thing I would try. Start calling APS. Multiple times. Be a pain in their ass. Squeaky wheel gets the grease. Start squeaking. If they come out and then say it's okay, call a week later. Because let's get real your mother should not be living alone in a filthy house at 95 years old. Start saying things like "I'll be informing my lawyer".
Another thing, when dealing with these "professionals" who basically do nothing, start saying things like "I'm recording this (and do so) because I don't feel my mother is safe to live alone and I will hold you liable if you send her home and she gets hurt".
Who cares if you sound like a hysterical PIA, the word "liable" gets people's attention. When I did floor nursing if a patient had a lawyer as a close family member, it got passed on it report at shift change. Actually all through my health career legal threats no matter who they came from were taken seriously and actions were taken to diffuse it.
I hate it when this happens. It sure makes it easy for the professionals, though, doesn't it, when they can just default to the "daughter's duty" mantra! And they can let lots of elders slip through those huge gaping cracks in the competency requirements, which make is such a low bar to be deemed competent!
It’s scary. You don’t want to see her hurt.
Call them and ask if they can send you a testimony for you to include in a letter to try and get help for your mom. Something signed by them. They may not be able to send the original report but even just a note from the workers on duty.
Gotta say, your mom is with it! She’s not stupid. Most people her age can’t keep up with their home. She couldn’t get a housekeeper in there though.
What about Council on Aging? Could they help? As soon as they went to her home to assess the needed care they would notice her living conditions and possibly report her and maybe their opinion would carry more weight.
It’s ridiculous they don’t respect your opinion concerning your mom’s needs. Your mom is stubborn. That’s a shame. You have been trying to help her for ages. Just think if she still drove!
Yeah, living in a two story is bad at her age. She is lucky that she can get around without a cane or walker.
Sending another hug.