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I have been working for 6 months to help Mom get in to assisted living. This is something she wanted. She has called me many times over the years crying because she can’t manage, and I took her on tours, but she always changed her mind. Now 6 years later she has decided she really needs the assistance, so I got her in to a beautiful place. I did offer my own home, but she did not want that! Now 1 month later and she is moving back to her apartment! She has already phoned the movers and sent a letter to the management of the assisted living, that she is moving on August 25th! I get a phone call from the manager of the building telling me about the letter he has received. She was screaming at me a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to go back. She is 94 years old, almost blind, can’t hear and has arthritis in her knees so she has trouble walking. In her apartment she will have access to supper 5 days a week but when she was there, she did not like their meals, now according to her their meals are fabulous! I have told her I am out! I feel so guilty. She tells me she is going to use the bus to go get groceries, she can’t see! She hasn’t used the bus in years!!! Plus, I never brought her groceries anyway (I did). I did doctors’ appointments, groceries, shopping for clothes, etc. According to her I did nothing! I also responded to all the calls for falls when she was in the apartment! I am so upset but talking to my brother and sister and reviewing our history we are beginning to think that she is a narcissist and wants everything to be about her. Am I horrible to abandon her, I don’t know!

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Let her move, do not lift a finger to help her, let her figure everything out and truly show you that she is an independent woman, on her own.

Don't fill in the blanks with help, if she falls she will have to call 911, don't buy her groceries, no making her doctor's appointments, back off.

Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck, you have nothing to be guilty about.

With her issues she needs to be in AL. As for you offering her to move in with you...what the heck were you thinking?

If you stand firm she will be forced to move back into AL as she will be unable to care for herself.
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No, you are not horrible. If your mother is still capable of making her own decisions then you and your siblings have to let her make them.

Don't play her games and whatever you do DON'T LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!
Usually when the moving around, fussiness, and there's no pleasing the person it's because they really want to live with their adult children.

Let her go back to her apartment. Let her insist that she can do her grocery shopping and live independently.
When her own fussiness and stubbornness blows up in her face (and it will), you and your siblings don't go running to save her and clean up her messes.

She needs to be in AL and the only way she's going to go and be serious about it is if you and your siblings don't go around behind her propping up a false independence.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Yes, that is what we have decided to do. My brother phoned me tonight and told me that I HAVE to be out of town on the day she moves, so she cannot fall back on me like she usually does.
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Don't even buy milk.. was what I was told 😬

Welcome into (or back into) the Awaiting a Crises Club.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Thank you. Actually that was one thing that I did frequently, pick up bread, milk and eggs for her.
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Allow natural consequences to occur.
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Pamela,

We understand your frustration. We are with you, support you and are cheering you on to do what is best for you!
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Two days and I am already feeling weird, no phone calls from Mom! She has shut me out just as I have shut her out!!! Now I am wondering what I will say when she does call? I know her response if I tell her I am too busy, she will get angry and tell me I am being petty!
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Thank you, I had a laugh when you asked what the heck was I thinking. I know it was a stupid gesture but I did have to at least offer (thank goodness she turned me down). I am going to be tough and not lift a finger to help. My brother and my daughter just told me tonight that I need to be out of town when she moves and totally unavailable. It was just such a shock today when the administrator phoned me to tell me that my Mom was moving out!!! I did go to see her today and try and talk some sense into her but she countered every argument ( she is delusional in what she thinks she can do). So I told her goodbye and good luck and I walked out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Sounds like you have a good support system at home. Your husband and children see that she is being manipulative.

Don’t fall for her tactics. Hopefully, she will see for herself that it isn’t feasible to live independently anymore.
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You are not wrong. I have had to do the same thing by stepping back from a stubborn aunt who thinks she doesn't need assistant living. You're doing the right thing.
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Grandma1954 July 27, 2023 8:00am

I think stepping back is the way to handle this.
You helping her gives her the illusion that she is independent.
Do not help her pack up.
Do not help her unpack.
When she calls and asks for help tell her that you are busy.
When she calls and asks to be taken to the store...you have an appointment to get your hair done.

I have the feeling that when you do not help her pack for the movers she just might change her mind. (hopefully management will let her remain in her apartment.

You are not 'abandoning her. You are letting her do what she thinks she wants because she thinks she is more independent than she is.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
She is too smart for that unfortunately. She has found movers that do it all, they even set everything up at the other end, hang pictures, hook up computer and tv. Nothing wrong with her brain, well, except for forgetting how I help her. I just wonder how she thinks she is getting to the apartment? Is she going with the movers? Don’t know.
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She resents losing her independence. One thing I've learned is too look at this from their perspective. They feel old and disposable. The more fear they have the harder they fight the help. With a lot of our elderly, the stubborness is all they have left.

Since she is deemed to be in sound mind, step back and let her make her own decisions even if they are bad ones. It takes some practice, but sometimes you just have to present a deaf ear to these tantrums. You've done all you can do at this point. I know, easier said than done.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I agree. I’ll add:
(1) If you plan on totally walking away, then that works.

(2) But if you’re planning on still helping (a little), then whatever bad decisions she makes WILL land on you.

I fit in category (2). So I forced some decisions, not asking permission. It’s worked out. And potential bad decisions with bad consequences for me, were avoided.
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Sadly she can legally make bad decisions for herself. Let her do what she wants. She sounds incredibly stubborn.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Stubborn is an understatement!!! I knew she wanted to go back but I had no idea she would do everything herself!!! I got a phone call from the administrator of the AL this afternoon, she had sent him a letter telling him she was leaving and she has booked the movers!!! I don’t know if she is going with the movers or how she is going to get back to her apartment!! I tried talking reasonably with her today but her mind is made up and she countered every argument that I made. So I told her goodbye and to expect no more help from me, but I feel so much guilt, it is horrible!
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