Dad died in July 2021 and mom has been in AL now for nearly 5 months. We are selling their home next week. It’s almost empty now. I’ve been so busy as I’ve rushed to go through their stuff, pack up, keep, donate, or throw away, plus doing minor repairs and also keeping track of my mom’s condition as she went back into the hospital recently. I can’t explain how much grief I have about letting go of this home where he lived for so long. I’m feeling like I’m saying the final goodbye to him. On the other hand, I know it’s right to sell. Mom needs the money. And dad would be in complete agreement of selling the house to get the money for her care. I just feel a constant lump in my throat & chest and I keep feeling like crying though I don’t dare let myself weep much right now because too much to do. Everywhere I look I see all the telltale signs of his care for this home. He fixed everything and loved to make little improvements that made things easier for mom. I hated emptying his room, going through things he had used or appreciated having. When he died, I cried a lot. But now it feels really final and my loss feels overwhelming. Has anyone else gone through this? Any advice?
Tears are healing, so let them flow and quit holding them back.
And in addition, add things, as well as reasonable things, cause that lump.
Look for someone who can share your feelings. That will help, and in my case, kindness has popped up in some comforting and unexpected laces.
I hope this will happen for you.
Second. I am sure you really did not grieve as you were busy caring for mom, getting things sorted out along with all the detail that go with a death of a loved one. (were you actually able to sit down and have time for yourself let alone actually grieve the loss of your dad since 2021?)
Third. Every time you turn a corner in the house you are hit with memories. And to realize that there will not be another Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Birthday party, Anniversary party there hurts.
Fifth. This is what mom and dad called home. This is a chapter that is closing.
Endings are hard no matter the reason.
What you are feeling is normal and if you were not sad, were not having a difficult time that is when you might want to worry.
Take the memories. Cherish them.
Know that another family will be happy in a home that was filled with love and care.
I still have times when his loss overwhelms me. That's okay. I then take the word celebrate and my memories go back to things in our lives to celebrate. At first I felt guilt - guilt I wasn't a 100% perfect caregiver. In my heart - I gave all I could just as he would have. My most precious memories are those we made by being creative the last six years of his life. He demonstrated his love to me in the most tender ways - although the disease would poke it's ugly head and we had to go through this together - I would never want to lose those cherished moments.
I have donated most of his things to those who needed them. I kept his old jacket he didn't want to part with, his shirts he wore repeatedly though he had new ones. My husband and I believed that if you can make someone's life easier - then do so. I was happy to donate to others the clothes I bought to make his life easier with dementia, the tools and activities that we did during the disease - all donated to help others.
When I have to fix something or arrange for someone else to do it - I get overwhelmed because he took care of it in the past. Now, I am celebrating life and all we did together and apart from each other. Memories are a special gift God gives to us. I am planning on writing down my memories which I understand is a great way to go through the grief. I'm so thankful that he is happy in heaven. Celebrate your blessings.
For me tears are often hard to come by, and I find them wonderful, cleansing, releasing. Allow yourself to feel this loss. It is the price we pay for great love.
My parents had an old farmhouse we were raised in. I was ready to walk away when I was offered enough money to pay the leans on it. New owner wanted it for the 7 acres. He built around the old house and tore the old one down. House does not resemble the old one in any way.
Last time I drove past the house I lived in with my late husband I had to park because I started crying so hard I couldn’t drive. He’d been dead about twenty years.
Every now and then something reminds me of them and I’m thrown back into a moment of grief. Those events become fewer and now they’re more quickly replaced by a feeling of gratitude for the short times we had together.
You’re letting go of something full of memories. It’s emotionally overwhelming. I know you’re busy, but let the tears flow freely. It’s tough to hold all that back.
I made little photo albums of both houses.
I didn't grieve for my dad almost at all in the beginning, because overnight I became responsible for my mother's care, arranging his funeral, her nursing home placement and all their affairs, and that was a full-time job. (Theirs was the classic case of the caregiver dying first.)
For me, a terrible dread settled on me as the first anniversary of his death approached. (Very odd, as I don't "do" death anniversaries.) I think I feared for my mother's broken heart mostly, but as it turned out she had no concept of the date by then nor did she even remember Dad anymore, so that great heavy weight in my chest was all my own. Somehow when that date passed, I was OK from then on. It never happened after my mom died, because it was very much her time, and I'd been grieving her loss for years as dementia stripped away everything but the shell.
We sold their house last July a year after my mother's death, and after the Realtor's people did all the "lipstick on the pig" work to make it appealing to buyers, it was unrecognizable as my parents' house or the home I grew up in. Oddly, it didn't affect me in the slightest, and I haven't given the house another thought.
As far as being too overwhelmed to grieve, I think many can relate. I know I can. I was an only and the executrix so it has been a year of travelling to inter her, probate, income taxes, going through the house to ready for estate sale, then donating and tossing the remainder. It is harder to find homes for some of the older things that were once considered heirlooms. It was painful at times to go through the stuff. Other times I was just overwhelmed by it all and just wanted to be rid of it. Anyway, now the house is prepped and put on the market. It is a shell of itself now she is gone and it is emptied. I feel I am doing good just to still be here and not have succumbed to illness or completely lost my mind so far, as lots of other unexpected and stressful things have happened over the last year and a half as well.
I feel I will be able to grieve more fully for my Mom when the house sells and all these tasks are finished. I can just focus on the memories I have of her and how best to honor her and carry the good memories into the future. Tears are healing and I hope to be able to cry more than I have so far.
I am sorry for your loss, your grief and the illness of your Mom. I don't know your beliefs, but calling on Jesus has helped me through this, plus a few visits with a therapist and a "can-do" attitude from my spouse.
Also the house is a loss in itself -and what it represents. I got rid of china, silver, crystal, old tablecloths and, hand embroidered pillow cases from generations back. These days no one wants them. It surely isn't easy. I am downsizing for myself now and letting go some of the few old family things I have kept and treasured. I don't want my kids to have a huge job when my time comes. My dd and grandkids have several old items they have chosen. My boys aren't interested.
(((((Hugs)))) to you. Expressing your grief is healthy and normal. You may find a grief group helpful if you continue to feel overwhelmed. When I lost my youngest son, a group helped me a lot.
This was my childhood home. Sometimes, I drive past where I grew up and see a brand new house standing on the property. It affected me very deeply at first. I felt like my life there had been erased altogether. It’s kind of hard to explain.
Anyway, as I said in an earlier post, everyone grieves in their own way. Wishing you peace and healing in your journey of grieving for your parents.
I will tell you that as time moves on and you have other things to deal with and other decisions to make, the house will move down the list of importance. It is hard to see that now, but I promise you it will happen.
I'm sorry for everything you are going through. This time of life is hard....
Practice other good self care like staying hydrated, some form of physical exercise, prayer or meditation of your choice, healthy nutrition.......
Do seek grief support......
Peace
Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve and don’t do it all alone. Find and allow people, family, friends to help you go through the house and experience the memories with you.
A couple months before he died, as he was getting very weak, my dad told me some thoughts had about dying and how he thought he’d like to go. He said I am getting more and more tired and sleeping more, sometimes I can’t wake up for long and I think when I die it will be that I get so tired, I simply don’t wake up. So, when that happens don’t say a word, just wave goodbye to me, like this (and he waved at me with the palm of his hand), and smile to me. Then he said, as you wave to me I’ll just drift away like I’m in a row boat, and I’ll be smiling and waving to you. And we practiced waving to each other and smiling. Yes, he said, this is the way I’d like to go.
The house is empty now. It will belong to other people in a couple of days. I keep feeling myself waving goodbye to my dad just like we did that day, and I feel him waving back. And we both smile to each other. Me, with tears in my eyes. But my dad sweetly smiles to me, without any tears.
I plan to meet up with my parents and hope they will be waiting for me when I arrive. Please listen to the old song, "I'll be seeing you." (And, have yourself a good therapeutic cry.)