Is it dementia if my mother is only mean to me?

Yes, Mom reserves her special spew for me!!! Of course, nobody else she is related to will talk to her other than one of my sisters who valiently calls for 5min "listens" regularly during which time the familiar topic rant gets replayed. There is a choice in this on Mom's part, its not at all involuntary even with her dementia. I cannot imagine being any further of a sacrifical lamb than I have already been willing to be, and know she would never move in with me. Sometimes I just finally yell at her to cut it out, and it works for a short time. Not for long though. It isn't curable.

When I cooked for my mother, she would talk bad about me to her friend. I could hear her in the kitchen, she was in the bedroom. She would say things like; O that one never greets me. She has no feelings. She would make up stories. I do not think that her friends believed her. My daughter believed my mother. I have not had contact with my daughter for 2 years. My mother has good contact. I leave it that way for now. I think if you try to explain then daughter will turn against both mother and grandmother.

Peacelilly, you may want to get ur Mom to a neurologist. This is a big change. Maybe a med she can be given.

This sounds very much like my bio mom, not identical but similar. She actually treated other kids better than she did her own, whereas other kids she hated. She was basically downright hateful toward many people, but she actually treated my younger cousins and her cats better than she did me, and she downright hated me

You need to get confirmation from a doctor that ur Mom is in early stages of Dementia. Have him give u paperwork showing this and show ur family.

I spent an entire morning...just crying..had been holding in some many feelings..anger..hurt..loss..you name it....it was a release...so it's okay to grieve the loss ..just don't live there..or you will lose yourself....mom resents me so much...and adores..worships my brother...who never lifted a finger to help..all I hear is blah blah about how wonderful he is...it gets old...most times she's nice..but when I do something to help her ..she treats me like a stupid idiot..gets that sharp tone..a crazy look in her eyes...shakes her finger at me...I see red...lol...I MUST learn to disengage and walk away...I'm numbing myself up...thinking of her as a person who lives with me..not my mom...hurts less that way..I am an orphan...but I have a lot of people that really love me...support me...believe me...I thank the wonderful people on this site...it has been my sanity

My husband does the same to be. Stroke related dementia.He is selfish and demanding and unappreciative. I've lost count how many times he's asked for a divorce. He's nice to everyone else. no one believe me when I tell them how his behavior is with me. I know how difficult it is. Your not alone. Do the best you can & don't let others get you down.

As long as the elder is going to badmouth you, you may consider just walking out. What I would do in this particular situation that Kathy mentioned is as soon as I heard someone bad mouthing me in the other room is I personally would very quietly show up and stand very quietly nearby until someone notices. Imagine how red-faced the person will be who was bad mouthing you! Yep, what a way to embarrass a bad mouth! They tend to think you've been standing there listening all along when really you just showed up. Yep, embarrass them! If this person really wants dinner bad enough, they shouldn't be bad mouthing the very person feeding them. I personally would just walk out in such a case, I would never cook for such a person who was bad mouthing me. In fact if they hate me that bad, they don't need me as a caregiver. I'm one of those kind of people who just won't go where I'm unwanted. I learned that lesson long ago in another situation, and it just doesn't pay to stay around when you know someone is hateful behind your back or doesn't seem interested in spending any time with you or having a mutual healthy relationship. Learn to distance yourself, and if you can't, God will help you at the right time. I was also in a very toxic relationship and I know what it is to love people who don't love you back. You can only take so much as a human being and the more you love the person, the harder it is to break free. This is why the most caring people are often the most abused.

As for listening to this person on the phone, I'm sure it gets old and boring. What I would do if you choose to listen it's just pick up the phone and do one of two things:

As soon as she starts, lay the phone down and walk away. That way you don't have to listen to her as long as it's not on speakerphone.

Another thing you can do as soon as she starts is just quietly hang up. If you have caller ID, just don't answer when her name and number comes up. Sooner or later she'll get the hint you don't want to hear it.

You can try getting her some professional help, but I don't know how much good it will do. Don't pay for it, make her or her insurance pay for it. It may be that you'll be looking at putting her into a nursing home or some other place where she can get needed help.

Yeah but what happens when it is your Mother and you were taught to HONOR thy Mother and Father and do the best one can do for them and everyone. Seems it is called a guilt trip for sure. My Mom knows just what to do to push my buttons as she has been doing it for years. She was not taught to honor anyone....only child and spoiled by her Mother as her father was an alcoholic. So she has always had the poor me syndrome like her Mother did. I have always tried to get her to be positive but she dislikes me even more when I do that. She commences to go on the defense. It is kinda weird, she has been living with us in her apartment off the side of the house for 7 years and it almost feels like she is conniving just to tick me off. That hurts when you thought they loved you or at least they said they did. This was all before she got ALZ.

You can HONOR your mother and your father by making sure their children are not turned into doormats, and keep as much of their sanity and self-respect as possible, while seeing that they are taken care of.

vstefans has it correct. You don't have to be with them or live with them to take care of them. You can honor them by seeing they have a roof over their heads. Assisted Living places have roofs. You can honor them by seeing they spend their money on food, clothing, etc. You don't have to do it yourself. If you have a partner, remember the bible's admonition, "That is why a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will be one flesh". Same goes for women. All the other advice is great too. I learned to tell my mother, you have talked about sad things for 10 minutes, let's talk about good things now. When I was on the phone, I would just say, "I have to go, love you mom." and hang up.

Glodeo, It does hurt to be treated so badly by the one who should love you. So you are the granddaughter of an alcoholic. Even though the main problem now is dementia, I suggest that you spend a little time reading about or attending Al Anon. It can be a good place to learn how to set your boundaries with someone who is never going to change.

Do you think you could learn to accept her and love her just the way she is? The way a mother is supposed to love the two-year-old, mid-tantrum, not because they deserve your love, but because they need it so much. You will need to agree with her that everything sucks. Honestly, however much you do for her, she is still stuck in her aging, failing body, and ruled by her forgetful, hallucinating, frightened brain.

It's a lot to ask, to change yourself from the rejected, criticized child, into a powerful, compassionate caregiver with a tender heart and thick rhino skin. Many people can't do it because of their history. But when I can succeed in doing it, I feel full of love and capable, and I know it's all worth it.

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."

Glodeo, again, just don't go where you're not wanted. I know what you mean and I see where you're coming from, but you don't have to stick around where you're clearly being abused, plain and simple! I grew up around abusive alcoholic parents who treated others better than they did their own kids. Remember, I lost my only bio sister to the same abuse I barely survived 13 years of. I know exactly what you mean by having aging parents, but you can't be in the picture. In my specific case my safety depended on it, and it was also their own choice. Sometimes parents make bad decisions that not only affect them but others around them. People who make bad decisions aren't the only ones negatively affected by those decisions, so are the children and the rest of the family and even the friends. Before making a bad decision, we should all think before we act because we never know who we are affecting when making a bad decision because bad decisions stick with others for life. When coming from an abusive household, too many abuse survivors tend to wind up back in other abusive relationships. The reason why I didn't is determination to live and stay safe. I knew abuse was not something I was supposed to live my life experiencing. I knew there had to be more to life than I was getting. I didn't know what it was to be happy, free, have fun, and be truly loved and cherished. I also didn't know what it was to be trusted. There were many other things that were robbed from my life growing up. Somehow God has taken that mess and turned it around for my good through restorations that came over a period of years. I never had to be responsible for my abusers care, they reap what they sow. They wouldn't take care of me when I most needed it, so the tables turned in my favor and I was never held responsible. When you don't take care of your kids when they most need you, and especially if you don't protect them when they most need it, the tables will one day turn and your kids won't even be there when you most need them. This is just how it works, because if you don't have your adult kids with you when you most need them, chances are you probably won't have your grandkids there either. This is exactly the harvest my abusers sowed because they reaped exactly what they sowed. I know deep down that if I vowed my abusers would never see their grandkids from me, I knew I was able to make it good by keeping to my word. My simple strategy was just not having kids knowing my abusers could come after me for grandparent rights and probably win since my dad knew enough of the law to work the courts without actually having to be a lawyer. My abusive dad acted as a lawyer for my abusive mom in a specific case years ago against a Jane Doe at a farmers market in their area. Sadly, my abusers won that case. I knew how my abusive mom was and how she instigated trouble and then would turn around and strategically lie about it. Yes, you could almost call it white-collar crime. Some abusers are far more clever than others, and they can actually get away with a lot if I know how to do it. When someone like my abusive mom can kill a child and get just a slap on the wrist in the form of six months in jail only for her brother to put up his house for collateral and pay her bond getting her out in three months, that's an outrage. Situations like mine is just one among many other examples of why sometimes grown kids just can't be in the picture for their aging parents. This is why it's so important for parents to treat their kids very well when they're young, because it's going to be the kids who care for you when you're old. If you don't treat your kids well when you're young, they won't be there for you when you're old, and they won't likely want the grandkids there either. I saw this happen to some extent with my elderly friend who falsely accused his son of arson, and put a permanent restraining order against his own son. The grandson was actually able to sneak around to see his grandpa, but it was sad he only came around when he wanted money. When it came time for the eventual funeral, check this out:

The son who was falsely accused of arson would've had a nice funeral for his dad, but changed his mind and signed off on the direct cremation order, and the body was cremated. The preened was set up long ago, but I guess after the son found out about his dad also being bad toward others, this may have had something to do with why there was never a funeral or even a follow up obituary beyond the death notice. He probably figured no one would come to the funeral after being treated so badly, so I guess he made the best decision in our best interest and when I had with direct cremation. When you mistreat others in your life and make no effort for restoration and reconciliation, no one will want to remember you when you're gone because it's kind of like others are thinking "good riddance" but just don't have the guts to say it. This is why parents must trea

Part two

This is why parents must treat their kids very well or they'll pay the consequences later when their kids want nothing to do with them later, especially when the parents most need their kids. Notice how the tables turn. If parents mistreat their kids now, the kids won't be there when the parents most need them later. It's kind of like driving a wedge between them and their own kids, because abusive parents actually drive the kids away to the point the grown kids just can't be in the picture. Then when death comes, the grown kids are less likely to want to even host a funeral let alone be there.

Hi SheriJean,
I can totally identify with you and some of the hurting ones here. My mum went to stay with my sister when her first child was born and she diligently look after her 3 boys . I had a wonderful helper to look after my own but would sometimes asked for mum's help if my 3 were sick at the same time but she would always turn down my requests as she needed to look after my sister's kids. Nonetheless, my sister would always send her back to me , whenever mum was sick , and would bring mum back to her home , asa mum was able to help with her kids. I remembered once I was in tears, sitting in the hall, wondering why my mum turned down my request for help, and the Lord spoke " I will always be with you , I am not like your mum" I was very stunned when these words, flashed over my mind but this revelation comforted me every time , without fail. When my mum had a stroke in 2009 and became bedridden , true to my sister's character , mum was sent back to me , and my sister refused to take mum back since . I have been taking of mum , since that date . I was bitter towards my sister for a few years , for forsaking a mum who had been so dedicated to looking after her wellbeing . However I learnt these : 1) The Lord, will never forsake me and He will always be there for me , and for you too , so be comforted 2) We do what we can to take care of our parents , as that is the Lord's 5th commandments that we are to honour our parents , so that our days will be long. 3) forgive and move on , and just do what we can , and forget who is right and wrong, it is more for our own sanity for unforgiveness will eat into our soul and hollow us out eventually . Trust me , the feeling of feeling angry towards someone else and feeling we are being taken advantage of is worst for us . Learn to forgive and we will feel so light and happy and improve our overall well being . The bible is right .. forgive and forgive and forgive .

But , it is important that we are not being walked and stepped all over , as we strived to do our duty as daughters and care giver. I think you should list down all the happenings, talk to the doctor , research and ask around .. to see if such behaviour befits dementia. Document down as much as you can and later find a good opportunity to explain to your daughter or any one that had wrong idea about you with your research and information collected. It may help others close to you to understand the disease as well as what you are going through . Hugs and love from me.. You are all doing a wonderful job .. Keep it up but put a smile on your face. Jesus loves you , always .

After reading all of the above comments, I'd suggest that the un-involved family take a turn at helping mom while YOU take a well needed break. No matter if they are "busy" or work, they need to step up. Have a pizza party and explain the situation and have a plan in mind as to how the other relatives can help. If you're doing it all, they are all comfortable with that situation and an occasional visit. Please take time out for your self and know that it's important to care for the caretaker. Bless you and hang tough.

I told my mom today..maybe you should move into an apartment closer to (my brother)..since you trust his decisions more than mine..think he's so much smarter than I am...She said "I never said that". I told her not in words...I said in in a calm voice..told her that doesn't offend me...(no it only made my heart bleed...til I cried it out of my heart). Here is the thing...he lets me do all the running..doctors office runs...and there's a lot of those...she talks kindly to him...here we pouty faces..and negativity...I'm just venting...we went to look at a beautiful apartment for her today...and she said too far to walk in with groceries...I told her she wouldn't have to carry them anyway...ok...done venting...feel better...hugs and prayers to each and everyone of you! I do find..after much prayer and shed tears..I feel more kindness toward her....that's only with God's help...I ask Him before I get out of bed every morning to let me walk through the day...with His strength and wisedom...it makes a huge differience!

Went to my mom yesterday. I was there Friday no problem, nice etc. Asked me to get her vitamins did that. Wanted to go to the bank on Monday, sure no problem. Left work early last minute notice. Got there and she was in her dark place. Screaming for me to get out, hitting me and blaming me I stole the bills, a colander for her pasta. Called me every name in the Italian book. She's 99 can't hear so it's very hard to tell her or make her understand. She's always been this way. Anything wrong or missing is always my fault. I always go back. She's very frail and falling. But, clean, eats well. I'm 59 and still dealing with this. Siblings conveniently moved far away some time ago. Sigh.

My new question is "will I ever be able to come out of this nightmare without being so damaged that I will ever lead a normal life"?
Since I started this post my life is in knots and I just wonder when the nervous breakdown will come. For a week my mother made some really hurtful comments, one day told me it was better for the household if I left another day I was not welcome in her home any longer. I was about to move out last weekend but all I could think about was what would happen to her if I left. Her home needs complete renovations and any money would probably not last long. I don"t think she has the money to get her in a good Catholic Assisted Living, and I really want this time with her. I have been including my brother in on the memory and loss of time issues, and forgetting who other family members are at times. I had been calling him telling him the hurtful things she says and his response is "she's mental, "she's Bi-polar and now "i am the problem and he is sick of hearing about it from both her and I ". My daughter was going to come for my surgery Thursday (i have a kidney mass and they don't know if it's cancer yet). My brother called her and told her not to come because of what was going on here. My mother and I sat and talked one night when she was in a different frame of mind and she didn't remember anything she said to me. I'm now realizing to relish her good days and lay low on the bad ones. So, now my daughter is not even coming for my surgery because my brother must have given her the impression that i am filling my mothers head with a bunch of crap. I'm am beyond hurt that they would do this to me. Every time I think it can't get any worse, it does! Is there anyway I will come out of this without being so damaged that I will ever lead a normal life again?

Petislove, Call your daughter yourself and tell her that you WANT and NEED her to come when you have your surgery. Please don't let your brother prevent her from coming to help you.

So sorry your going through this. I feel for you. I never know what im walking into when I go to my moms house. Your daughter should still come for your surgery no matter what. What's it your brothers business calling your daughter and telling her anything. He's not dealing with your mom. ARGH! Your right lay low on the bad days. I call it her dark place. Your brother doesn't like it fine let him live with her.

I wish all the best on your surgery!

Petislove. No, your "normal" has changed and will continue to change. Please see about getting some assistance for you. Hospitals have social workers. Ask to speak to one when you go for your surgery. Before my Mom's dx of Dementia I worked in mental health. My professional background, education and experience help me get through this labyrinth of craziness. It's not a day-by-day situation, but a moment-by-moment neverending climb. Ask for help. Please.

Dear Petslove....your mom is my moms twin...denys hurtful things...and yes..I think there is something mentally wrong with them..it's abusive to you...and your brothers actions...listening at first...then deserting you..even sabotaging you having the support of your daughter when you need her by your side..that's abuse too! I pray your daughter is able to be there in time to help you....I can't believe how our families desert us at this difficult time...and from what I read here....it's happening a lot ....it is heartbreaking....I have no words...I say you're an angel Petslove ....

The other thing to do is cultivate friends outside the family - practical support that can be mutual, and just perspective. Think of it as immunization to gaslighting, which is what brother is doing to you and sis. He does not want to believe anything is wrong with Mom - who does - and therefore has no qualms about trying to make you and anyone else believe you are the problem. From your story your are most certainly NOT.

Yes Petslove...if your brother is shutting you down..making it seem you're the problem..then he doesnt have to fell obligated to help you...or feel guilty that he's not helping ..I know..my brother does the same to me...it HURTS! Hugs!

Dear Petsilove, My mom died last year of Alz. I was one of her caregivers and for the most part she hated me. Until she got so bad that she couldn't talk or move. I was never her favorite child, and even though I helped her for the last 7 years of her life she didn't like me. Once she forgot who I was it all changed...I was just the lady who came to help her. This may not help you but please know this is all part of an absolutely horrible disease. They really don't hate you...it's just the disease. The person you loved is gone but the disease remains. Blessings to you, Lindaz.

Call your daughter is with you during the surgery and continue to try to keep your life going as normal as possible. It's ok to UNPLUG and take a break from all of this even if it's little short breaks. Make sure you take care of yourself so you can be there for your mom when needed. I hope your surgery goes well! Try to ignore the outside chatter also.

Try this again.....sorry! Take 2! Call your daughter and make sure she is with you during the surgery and continue to try to keep your life going as normal as possible. It's ok to UNPLUG and take a break from all of this even if it's little short breaks. Make sure you take care of yourself so you can be there for your mom when needed. I hope your surgery goes well! Try to ignore the outside chatter also.

Who will be there to help YOU if your daughter isn't there? It may be time for you to have other help come in so YOU can go out. The folks advice is wise and they have been there, done that. What if YOU weren't there? Who would step up then? Make a plan and that all siblings need to help. If not weekly, at least 1 day a week each depending on how many siblings you have. Call a conference and have all be there for it. Meet at a restaurant so if the conversation gets heated there won't be any yelling. Also, maybe contact your church for help. Bless you for what you do.