My 102 yr old grandmother died expectedly, well-cared for in a nursing home/hospice in another state. My brother and in-home aids provided care for her until she was no longer safe at home, which unfortunately coincided with the start of the pandemic. We have had weekly Zooms with her since then, but I have not visited in person since the pandemic. My sister and I live in the same state about a 13 hr drive away; she, BIL and nephew are driving to go to the funeral. I helped care for my parents, my mom died almost 3 years ago, my father 4, and my husband's brother died in a MVA last year, and I got covid a year ago, and quite frankly, I am not in a great mental space, but I'm working on it (while I am "relatively" young (49) and without serious medical conditions, the stress of the last 4 years and now pre-menopause has left me depleted). I feel that I said my goodbyes to my grandmother and since my grandfather and parents are deceased, as well as all close family/friends (except for my siblings), I honestly don't want to go, due to the travel and cramped quarters if we all stay with my brother. I have depression, fatigue, GI issues, and am abstaining from alcohol, as I used that to self-medicate after my mom died and it got pretty bad...my family drinks and I'm afraid I will too if I go and then deal with severe depression afterwards. My siblings are both older than me (by 10 and 12 years), and even though my sister said she wants me to do what is best for me, I am struggling with guilt and anxiety, primarily due to old family dynamics, shame, and Catholic guilt (even though I left the church). If my mom or my grandfather were alive, I would do whatever I had to do to be there for them, but since it is just my siblings (who have spouses), I don't feel the same obligation, especially during crazy holiday travel and risk of covid or flu. Can anyone relate and give some perspective? Thank you.
