Is it shameful to feel relieved when abusive parent dies?

Oh my goodness in reading your post I could relate 100%! My mother treated me viciously throughout most of the time that I cared for her as her “right hand person” and caregiver in the last 6 years of her life. She broke my heart and falsely accused me of so many things and then my brother and two younger sisters hired attorneys against me (and my twin sister) as the appointed reps and Trustees. They had every document that my dad had done thirty years ago changed and had our demented mother sign off on everything! She was almost always angry with me and I could not do anything right for her. I felt totally used and abused by her and the younger sibs.

I lived my life feeling terrified of my mother and then when she was old and crazy all those childhood terrors came flooding back to me. Now, thanks be to God, she is dead as of a year ago. I have also felt free of her. I am trying to move on, but my brother and sisters have been so full of hate towards me that it’s just been a living hell. They are just plain evil in their actions towards me.

When you said that you were divorced it’s not a surprise. I was divorced (actually marriage was dissolved) from my first husband after almost 8 years of marriage. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor told us that most people who get divorced are divorcing their parents! Imagine that! Very profound and I believe very true! I married my mother’s narcissistic personality as did my next sister. Then my youngest sister IS my mother only far worse and my brother is her as well but being a man he is more vicious and dangerous.

WOW! Sometimes when I read the posts from Aging Care it’s as if I were the one who wrote the post!

Allow yourself to heal because it takes a very long time for these healings to occur. (This came from a priest from whom I sought counsel back in November of 2017.)

May God bless you! Remember God loves you even if your mother didn’t love you.

Tiger: That's right - you're a good person! Only recently did my husband tell me a "Good" story about his childhood - AFTER ALMOST 4 DECADES OF KNOWING HIM AND BEING MARRIED 38 YEARS! He tells me about this wonderful great uncle and I was so glad to hear it since his own mother (a woman who placed food ontop her child's head - 6 kids- if they did not eat it) and alcoholic father. Good grief - I must compose a poem about this great uncle soon. That doesn't sound like you had a good therapist because that person never should have made you feel bad about yourself in any way, else why would he be in business?! Hugs and prayers going out to you.

Dear Tiger55, I understand how you feel as I felt the same relief when my mother finally died. I also understand why you are concealing it from the rest of your family as this is not something you can take back if they condemn you for your feelings. I had somewhat resented my brother for many years thinking that he had been her favourite so I was afraid to confess my feeling to him. It wasn't until she died that he shared his feelings with me and we realized that she had manipulated both of us over the years. I hope the bulk of the answers you get here are supportive ones.
I hope life keeps getting better and better for you from now on. Many Hugs to you!

Please do give yourself some compassion. You were traumatized and abused. You learned to be a good mother for your children. You had empathy for your mother's pain. It is good, healthy and natural for you to feel relief and finally safe .

I also felt great relief...release when my father died. I was elated that we did not have to manage his anger and deal with his hurtful words even tho I understood some of his pain. I felt so free and light and grateful he was gone.
My mother was in pain for most of her life and dementia the last years. She was kind and loving but in pain and confusion so I was also relieved when she died...relieved for her and also for us as we were tired and worn out with her care.
You are normal and healthy to feel relief! to feel joy and freedom...to feel this lifted off your heart...so your energy can be for love of your children and your dear self! I am happy for you. Enjoy your life!

Many good and thoughtful answers here. I am going through this very thing. My mother passed two weeks ago after doling out nearly five years of pure abuse.
I did not realize the extent of her meanness until my father was in AL and no longer was the buffer protecting the world (or me) from her. When he passed I was very sad for a while, although mother said I did not care.
She would blame me and my wife for everything, and said I was stealing her money, even though I was paying some of her bills myself because she became so angry when she saw them. She finally gave up the bills and let me handle them, but would still be furious when she saw a rent or insurance bill had been paid. You cannot make others happy, you can just make sure all their needs are met.
Her last years could have been a lot better if she had just been nicer. One of the last things she said to me was that she did not want me, but kept me because she thought my father wanted me.
I have a cousin who seemed to buy into mother's hateful fantasies, or maybe was after something more, but I had no other problem family members to deal with. My cousin would get mother worked up at times. Everyone else was most supportive, including both friends and distant relatives. I am very lucky to have them all.
I am just starting to feel a little sorrowful, but the conflicting relief and guilt have been so overwhelming they have taken center stage.
After caring for and losing three other parents in five years, all of whom were kind and loving, I really did not realize there could be so many of us with this problem.

Don't be ashamed. Don't tell your family. You survived.

I'm Tiger55, thank you all: for being real about the shadows we faced as kids.
I'm re-posting this reply I made to our friend Tillie69:
"I saw myself in your story, & agree that our mom's untreated depression did the damage to us. 
(If only I'd known that she we actually ill). It would've helped me to NOT take her dislike of me so personally. Mother was arrogant though. Never asked for help... even at the cost of our family's souls.
(That's one legacy that I do not want for myself)."
I feel I've learned that (from every person's contributions here), but Tillie69 actually had her mom's diagnosis. That made me realize that an "illness" was hateful to me, all my life. Probably mother was really hating herself. This makes a difference for me, just sayin'. Bless u all😭💟

Tiger: You're absolutely welcome! And I'm sorry about your parents, but you MUSN'T let that define who YOU are, else it eats you up. ❤❤❤❤

DON'T discuss with your family but in private say thank you, God, it is over - now I can be free and live a decent and happier life. Thank God. You did not deserve what you got and there is no reason for guilt. It is awful you had to suffer so but now be happy and be at peace.

Good grief, no. There is a book I just found in one of my drawers that I intended to read one day as my husband's parents were not good. It's about "How to deal with toxic parents" and comes under the gist of your post. I think the book endeavors to tell the reader that they are not IN ANY WAY responsible for their parents' actions. Prayers and hugs to you.

You at least Showed Some, Hun, Emotion.....Focus on you Now. God ONLY KNOWS how it Goes and Bless you, You can Breathe now. Like a Dying Loved One who you Feel is Out of their Misery when they Die, You now are this Person...

No. You feel what you feel. Pretending you don’t feel something, won’t make the feeling go away. Acknowledge the feeling to yourself and to those precious few people worthy of your trust who you know will keep your confidence. When you push feelings down out of shame, they eventually leak or burst out if you, prompting unwise words and actions. When my abusive brother died, my very first thought was “Thank G-d.” I was immediately horrified at having had that thought, but I quickly recognized that what really mattered was what I did, not the words that popped into my own head. I never told my Mom, and never will. I’m telling you, and everybody here, because I hope it will help you remember how normal it is to fear people who abused you when you were helpless, even after they themselves have become helpless to physically harm you. I didn’t love my brother, at least not by time he died at forty-two, (I was 38.) but I did grieve for him. I don’t know how you will feel in the weeks and years to come, but in my experience grief for a family member who abused me was much more complicated than grief for someone I loved with my whole heart and remember fondly. (My best friend, for whom I was a caregiver, died a few years after my brother.) Grief for an abuser has so many twists and turns; I found the process took longer, and their were fewer people I could trust with my real feelings. You may encounter people with good intentions who don’t understand your situation, especially if they knew your mother and had good experiences with her. You may need to keep such people at a distance, for at least a little while, or quickly change the subject when you do see them. Please, please remember that it is yourself to whom you owe the most compassion. Other people will find their own way. They have a right to their memories of your mother, but their memories are not more valid than yours. Take extra good care of yourself.

The answers given to you are correct, what you are going through is NORMAL, look how strong you’ve become!! I’ve been blinded by mom, she used people all her life, and was jealous of me since the day I was born. I am 54, I have one younger brother who’s 49, my brother is a wreck now, he took most of the abuse because when I was 14 I pretty much left him behind, via getting away from our mother, when I was 17 I had enough and left with a who I thought was a good guy, but was 2yrs of hell, I don’t know why he didn’t pull the trigger the many times he had the chance. Our mother divorced our father at the perfect time for her, I was 12, and my brother 7 and our dad loved her!!! Men are the protectors, that is their purpose, any man who dose not protect is not a man, be it protecting our nation, their families, their friends, even when they don’t pull the trigger, they will if it means saving others. Time in prison is worth it to them. Women are protective too, but in a different way, they must protect and nurture, for they are the ones who bare children, women are stronger than men, women will die for their children ( or they should ) we are givers, we sacrifice ourselves to give, to nurture.
It is not wrong to feel guilt, the guilt comes from questions like “ have I done enough?” Have I nurtured enough? My daughter, our only child, to me she is super human, she is everything at only 20. She protects herself, not in a selfish way, humans have traits born into them, it’s called narcissism, it’s a must have trait, if you embrace narcissism in the correct way it will form into self confidence, and free you of guilt, my daughter is living proof, all my life I felt I had to be approved by my mentally ill mother, whom is still living btw, barley tho, I am angry at her, I see the damages she has done to me, my brother, my father, her mother, everyone that loves her, I am angry for the damage, but grateful that she knew what was right, at the very least. I must be pretty awesome because it shows in my daughter, she told me when she was 7, “ I’m going to Europe mommy” I said, that’s nice dear, she is now going on her 3rd year in college in Switzerland, she is thriving, and did it all by herself, we are by no means wealthy, but fortunate and able to support her endeavor, she knows we will be tapped out by the time she graduates, it gives her more determination, and if or when she returns we’ve got her back, always and forever, Brother and I never had a mother who ever had our backs, if my brother doesn’t snap out of it, I will never forgive my mother, he has been robbed by her to the point he is 49 yrs old and has never had a child.

I hope this helps, because I am women it is my duty to help others, it is OUR purpose!!!

My mother was in terrible health the last 10 years of her life. I moved back to town because I was retiring anyway. Mom was always the “boss” in the family and it was rough. When I moved back here, I moved only 3 miles from her. Her dementia and arthritis got worse and then she lost her eyesight. It was awful!! We finally had to put Mom in a nursing facility because she needed 24/7 care. She could only eat puréed food too. So she was like an infant. I will tell you that I was relieved for HER mostly but that it relieved me physically and mentally. I was also running between nursing home and her house to see about Dad. Both in their 80’s. Don’t feel guilty because we are human. I am in my mid sixties and had some health issues creeping up on me and some were stress related according to the doctor. I loved my parents dearly. I miss them. But it was hard and the Lord walked with me. I felt like He came to rescue each one of them from their misery and did it in his own time. Dad in 2016 and Mom in 2018. Bless them, they are together in heaven with my brother who was killed in an auto accident years ago. I was relieved when he scooped my Mom up and my Dad and took them home. They were Christians who loved God and family.

My mother was a neglectful mother with five children. I was the oldest. To describe her I'd use these words: Selfish, narcissistic, mean, lack of empathy and compassion. These traits remained throughout her life. And all of us children suffered because of it.

In her eighties I looked after my mother in my condo for three years before she was admitted to a nursing home. It took its toll on me due to her nature and nastiness. I did my best as caregiver to mom. Nothing I did was good enough!

Mom passed at the age of 87 and it was a relief not to have to deal with her again. Yes, I did feel sadness for her death but at the same time I finally felt free and safe.

Please don't feel ashamed. You did a very unselfish and potentially self harming thing by caring for her. Love your children, love yourself and love your life. I hope you find peace and joy. You deserve to be happy.

I have a narcissistic mother who is in her 90s and I M an only child. I am doing my duty by caring for her and can’t wait for this to be over. I have never been good enough she constantly moans about everything I do as far as she is concerned I am not allowed any life that doesn’t include her. Don’t give it another thought get on with living and make sure you don’t treat your kids the same I have made sure I don’t,

Oh, I so understand.

Why would you not feel relief?

I am caring for mother and husband. Both are almost 100% bedridden. They are totally helpless.

And I am anticipating the feeling of relief. Also embarrassed about it and cannot tell anyone. They are still alive!!!!!

So you just feel your feelings. Remember: feelings are not facts. You may feel relieved but you did your duty and you did your best.

Dear Tiger; I am so sorry for what you had to go through with your mother. I had similar experiences; not that I was the greatest kid to raise but I didn’t feel like she liked me. I learned later, not too long ago, when I asked her why she said and did those things to me (excessive punishment, letting my Dad beat me and her turning a blind eye to it and then overstepping her boundaries with my son) she said ‘because you wouldn’t do what I wanted you to do. As a child I did not want to be around her and would stare out my bedroom window. at age 11 wondering where I could go that would be better. Even after I was married she would give me dirty looks if I decided not to go to the house for her annual holiday feasts. I was 34. I went to a psychologist and asked if this would end when they died and she said ‘No”! I disagree. My father died in 2005 and I say prayers for him every now and then and am grateful that they adopted my brother and myself and we had clothes and food (considering the life I would have had without their care) but I cannot forget the tension in the household But it doesn’t bother me like I thought it would; then or now. I put it behind me and try to live a God would want me to. I am fairly strong in my faith and I truly don’t know what I would do with out it. God is my Father, Jesus my brother, and Mary my heavenly mother. My mother is now 981/2 and has dementia. It is difficult to know when it is Mom being nasty or if it is the dementia. Mom also has been a chronic depressive for most of her life; I only found that out when she broke her hip and I asked for a psychological assessment. While I empathize with the suffering she has endured during her lifetime her actions and words towards me left me with little self-esteem and a genuine like for my own self. A psychologist told me that I raised myself and when I truly needed my mother she was not there for me.
I applaud your perseverance and would congratulate you on the raising of your own children and to carry on with a life that is worthy of God’s praise. Good life to you,
Sincerely,
Tillie

Don't feel bad, you can't feel for a person regardless who he or she is if they hate you and not afraid or ashamed to be that way even though the whole family knows it.
I had a Mother who hated me from the day I was born because I was born male, my Aunt told me that she wanted a girl like her.
I'm 80 years old now and to this day it does not bother me because she loved my Brother instead. It was evident throughout my life when she lived, but when she died several years ago, she left everything to him, even the money that my Grandfather left my deceased Father (Who died before my Father) half of which should have been going to me, but instead she hired a lawyer to get me to sign papers so she would get the money instead of it going to me. She said in her decree that I would get half of that money after she passed away, but instead she passed all of it to my Brother before she died so there wouldn't be a need for anyone to protest that will.
Plus as far as I know he wouldn't have to pay taxes on this gift money because my Father had a Government job back in the 40's as an electrician, in those days they sprayed asbestos on the bulkheads he would come home vomiting blood in the bathroom.
I believe he collected a lot of money from the Government, so much money, that I heard he retired from his job.
My so called Brother said it was his Mothers wishes and he was going to honor her wishes, I said to him how convenient? He laughed.
So family can and will be greedy and dishonest, when it comes to money, or someone else's feelings, but in my case, it's not worth it.
This so called Brother has all the money now because it was given to him before his Mothers death, and it would next to impossible to prove he earned that money, and wasn't given.
I told my so called Brother that he should buy medicine with that money, he again laughed, but it's not funny just sad that family can treat others like that when they have no reason to do it. except greed.

The reason why I am telling you this is so you might understand how family's can be to each other, so it's not an excuse, just an example.
If you believe in God as I do, I think that justice will come to you one day, when God takes care of these injustices like yours, I also believe you will know what God has decided, and what he did about it.
Just like it says on our money, coins etc. "In God we Trust".

Good Luck, I know it's difficult, put your trust in God, and try to put it behind you and go forward with your life.

I would simply like to echo what has been said - you have been through too much...I will pray for you tonight...

The short answer to the question is absolutely NOT! There is nothing shameful about feeling relief....its your inner self taking a deep breath without consulting you! Plain and simple, sometime the heart is smarter than the brain.
My mom is fairly healthy 91, SOB, just like her mother was. Lives alone b/c assisted living places didnt think she would adapt well.
First one, the courtesy lunch. First thing out of her mouth at the table was how many (N-word) work in the kitchen-she didnt want anyone spitting in her food. They asked if she wanted to meet kitchen staff and she gave them the smart mouth " No," She kept it up, the others at her table...dam near went into heart failure! I finally handed her a roll and said PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH! She threw it.
I removed her immediately and headed for the door, until I noticed she had urine dripping from the wheel chair. Staff got me clean things and showed me to a bathroom where I cleaned her up. When done, she looked me right in the eye and said "I can keep this up all day, can you!" Drove in silence to her house, she grinned the entire time. Me, I could have done the unthinkable and leave that to a jury to decide my fate. Got her inside, never saying a word-heading for the door I hear
" Have a nice day". I got in the car, out of the parking lot, pulled over and LOST IT! Do you know what at 61 year old tempter tantrum looks like! Im screaming- hitting the car, kicking my feet.....all sorts of crazy crap. Im thinking **it! at this age that SOB still gets to me! This is just one day with her- 3 hrs of my 61 yrs- that took dam near a week to re-group. I remember so many things that has come out of her mouth, things she has done- bills in my name, OMG you dont want to know. Cant take here anywhere-she fakes being blind/ twisted from a stroke, twist her arm, toss her head to the side, tongue hanging out of her mouth/ shake like Parkinson pt/ I heard her tell someone she was paralyzed! I AM SO SICK of this woman getting a pass in life due to age! Her mouth is unbelievable! At home 24/7 she is naked, obese, will sit in a chair and pee, towels soak it up, wont wear diapers or pads-wont wash, stinks, nocturnal, and food obsessed add nasty, vulgar, spiteful, selfish, story twisting liar and you got her. These are the things I think for when the time comes. I brace myself for doing what needs to be done at that time but dont cherish the crap that will come -I have no HCP, POA, no will, bank only in her name, crap from beyond the grave. INSISTS I will cremate her, she wants to be buried. She thinks of cremation as payback. She calls it the "cooker" how vulgar! She has a total of 3 funeral planned NONE paid for. 1 in Fla. & 2 with different funeral directors here, done for attention, all over 20K!!! There is just no end. I will never forget who & what she is, nor can I forget things I had and still have to untangle, even at 61, in my head & heart. The only thing I am sure of now is- it wasnt my issue, it was given to me as a child to drag thru my life and when she is gone, I will do the best I can to bury that with her, no looking back. I dont know if I'd call it peace, relief, solace, or even if there is a name for it. I do know WE deserved better than WE got and if WE dont put a stop to it living in our heads after passing, nothing changes and the cycle may just repeat. Be well my friend, breath. Hugs!

Unequivocally not!

To be honest, during the 12+/- years I took care of her, her personal business, her property, etc. there was a span of time where I mourned the loss of the good relationship she & I once had. By the time she died, I was a mental & physical wreck because I wasn't eating right, I was pulled in so many directions by the responsibilities I'd taken on that I couldn't think straight & I was in desperate need of a 2nd major surgery that I'd put off because there was so much to do. I'd had a surprise surgery that as far as I can tell has saved my life the 7 months prior to her death & I was stressed with needing to take care of my own personal business as well as hers.

In the end, she apologized for leaving me with such a mess. (She was a hoarder with 4 houses that had piles above my head & dangerous paths I had to navigate in order to get any where. However, she never apologized for the verbal & physical abuse she heaped upon me during those 12+/- years.

Initially, I was sort of shocked at my indifference; but, then again, she was her own worse enemy & if she'd have gone about things differently, her final years would have been much different

This is not to say at one time she wasn't a great person to be around, because there were times before those 12+/- years that I remember fondly, But I gave enough of my own life to her - more than I should have in order to do the right thing.

And then again, was it the right thing? I really don't know. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of older people out there with no one or who don't want to "bother" their children or whose children just don't give a damn or their children are so caught up in their own lives that they can't see further than the end of their hand who end up dying when they didn't have to.

My dad used to asked me, "Whoever told you life was fair?" & he was so right.

My advice is take whatever time you have left (we usually have no idea how much time we have) & go live your life as you see fit.

I may sound cold hearted but when you're gone, you're gone.

Not shameful at all or if it is..... Im proud
for me it was my father.
I was number two child and I just took it that I felt the fists, got the blame for everything, and tried to work out what it was that I had done wrong.
But being a child accepted that was life
I was suspicious about his dementia, and he was smart enough to be rude to me so that Id stay away. Id visit my mother yearly and put up with the abuse that kept on coming, mainly cos I flicked it off my shoulders when they were then in their 80s.
I did make some barbed comments to him, that were fairly mild, but he knew without a doubt there was no love coming from my angle.
Im pleased he died, and I didnt feel one moment of emotional twang, he was 94 so had more than a good innings and a good 60+ years of making 5 children very miserable, which he constantly reminded us that he had the right to do.
Its been interesting watching the siblings, then take on his role of dominating and trying to bully my mother, I feel divorced to most of them, as I found their behaviour disgusting
Nah, you are good, in fact very good. and Im sorry that your life was so ruined. I hope you are able to enjoy your own children now, and actually be truthful about how things were. They deserve to know, and you deserve to share the burden placed upon you.
You certainly are not alone

Do not feel bad, totally enjoy the relief. My mom was abusive and mixed with some good behavior. I am so glad she's gone and I don't have to deal with all that came with her. I just bagged up all her clothes for Goodwill and didn't feel sadness. There was a bit of- nostalgia (?) Putting away the sweaters she knit. It's kind of a strange feeling. I also went thru lots of rage/pain processing childhood stuff and did some healing. This is a good time to feel some of that, since feelings come up right now. But enjoy the relief! Best wishes. thanks

Not shameful at all. My mom passed in February, and if I'm honest, the main emotion I have felt is relief, for me AND her. Relieved for me, because she was personality disordered and suffered from mental health issues and dementia, and I had been thrust in the role of "mother" to my mom for a long time, having been parentified from a young age, which is a heavy burden to bear; relieved for her, because I saw her suffer greatly as a prisoner of her own mind and afraid and paranoid all the time, a heavy burden she had to bear as well. I know now she is at peace.

I will be even more relieved when I get all of her estate stuff settled and finally have no ties with toxic members of my dysfunctional family, who made caregiving and have even made the probate process difficult. Unfortunately I've had to deal with them to a degree still yet, but I'll be glad when it's done and closed.

Bottom line is you have a right to feel how you feel. Not everyone will 'get it', but that's okay, it's your journey, not theirs.

It may surprise you to find many kindred family members who are afraid to say what you think. Listen closely to what they say, you may hear something from someone close who shows they understand and may feel the same way. You grieved already at the time that was right for you.

Yoi are not alone. My dad has not passed away yet and we have long life span he's 94 and still going semi strong. However, with this awful disease in the back of my mind I do kind of wish it was over for 2 reasons. One bc I know he's in pain and not the same man I knew growing up but one thing I've never said to anyone that also for me I wish it was over. I think that when it's over great relief will be there. I don't even know if I will cry.
However, my Pastor says I'm going through and will have a transition in my life when he does pass. I love my dad but sometimes not the person he's become.
Get what's called a transition counselor who will help you through this, most have gone through the same thing and understand.

Don't feel guilty!! I had the most loving, caring, nurturing mom ever and I loved her with all my heart. But when she passed away at 92, I had been her caregiver for two years. She had dementia and lived with my husband and me. Even with her dementia, she remained loving, cooperative, and grateful. I miss her every day, but I do not feel guilty about her passing. Being a caregiver is all consuming, and I think it would be unnatural to not feel a sense of relief when one gets ones life back. I was dedicated to my mom while she was here, but I don't feel bad about being able to resume my life with my husband, children and grandchildren. You were not fortunate enough to have a great relationship with your mom so you have even more reason to be relieved at her passing. Don't spend anymore time dwelling on this. You need to relish your sense of freedom and safety now that she is gone!

When my horrid uncle passed away there were maybe 25 people at his funeral. 10 of whom HAD to be there. His kids, but no grandkids. I went b/c mother wanted a ride.

This man had worked 40 years in education. Evidently, he touched (in a good way) absolutely no one.

There were NO tears, no emotions other than a huge sigh of relief.

I felt that way when my abusive OB died. Again, took mom to the 'ceremony' his friends cooked up for him. A lot of drumming and burning of sage and total whacked out weirdness. It was good for mother to see how crazy he had become. And, as one of his abuse 'victims' it was cathartic to know he was gone and could no longer hurt me or anyone else.

Mother is 90 and looks like she will live forever. I feel sad that I already have long since 'grieved' any hope of a good relationship with her. She simply should never have had children.

You deserve to feel what you feel, until you don't feel that way anymore.

Counseling may help, if the guilt lasts longer than you feel it should.

Look at all the answers you got in a couple days--you definitely aren't alone in this situation.