My mother, who lives with my husband and me, wants to be cremated with no service after her death. She is in good health for 100 years old with a great appetite. She is able to toilet and dress herself but does wear disposable underwear 24/7. Since she has made her wishes clear with a sound mind, would it be advisable to make arrangements prior to her death with a local crematorium? My husband and I cared for his parents for several years in our home. His mother passed away in her sleep in her own bed. When we found her unresponsive, we called 911; and it was overwhelming with the fire truck, ambulance, and police cars racing to our home with sirens blaring. Is there a way to deal with a death at home with less fanfare and more dignity?
Yes, a little much fanfare with parents. I would ask ur doctor how can u get around this.
My Dad died this past December in the early morning. His body was still warm when I called the hospice nurse. She came and confirmed he had passed (no medical examiner was needed). In SC, if a person is under hospice (even at home) you don't need to call 911, police, medical examiner, etc.
While waiting for the nurse, I told my mother and started getting her ready for family and other guests. She was showered, hair washed, dressed, fed, etc. by the time we had hospice and funeral home staff at the house. She did have a few minutes alone with him before he was moved.
Since my parents are/were in their 90s, I insisted they had a prearranged and prepaid funeral. My reason, was that I did not want to be making these decisions when I was too emotional. This also helped keep the costs down. Went with cremation, visitation at funeral home, and service and burial at VA cemetery.
Only one person complained. My critical B$%ch sister. Her biggest complaint was that I did not bathe and dress Dad before the funeral home came for him. OK, he left dressed in sweatpants, tee shirt and diaper, but the funeral staff cleaned him up and waited until I brought his clothes for cremation later. She was complaining again to my mother when she was told I had taken his clothes later. Mom said her jaw hit the floor when she told her what he was wearing. for his cremation. When he was younger, my Dad's favorite hobby was fox hunting. So I had him dressed in his formal riding habit with pinks (scarlet jacket). He now could spend his time in heaven riding his beloved horse, the late Master James.
Regarding working with a funeral home (they usually make the arrangements for the coroner to retrieve your loved one's body and any wishes, such as cremation), it does behoove you to make those arrangements in advance, because: A. Then you (or someone designated) only need to make one phone call to set things in motion. B. Most funeral homes will offer you a significant discount when you pre-arrange their services. I know someone who saved 20% doing this.
We've all suffered or are currently suffering losing our parents. It's so painful and heartbreaking. Whatever you can do in advance will allow you more space to simply grieve when the time comes. Peace...
Over all, it was comforting for my Folks to be able to state their wishes and have all those arrangements made. It did NOT make them feel like their death was eminent. It was also a blessing for us kids because their wishes were clearly written out. No reason to guess or debate amongst ourselves. Bonus.....they paid far less for everything than if we had had to purchase them at the time of their death (10 years apart....Dad in '08 @ 86 & Mom in '18 @ 93). Simply stated making those final arrangements before needed is one of the most loving caring things a person can do 💕 for everyone.
I went online and got The Living Urn - it was most reasonable and for an extra $30, I got to choose the type tree I wanted. When it didn't survive last winter, they replaced his tree at no cost to me.
My father also went onto Home Hospice for his last week and that too went smoothly. I paid for his funeral in full right after my mother passed. She passed in 2004 and Pop in 2011. He had to have a Jewish Funeral which meant no embalming and no viewing - he had to be in the ground within 24 hours.
Both were handled by Hewlett Winstead Funeral Homes and they were professional and not stuffy. The allowed me to include my DH's red fuzzy blanket with his body. So thoughtful.
However, if she is under the care of a physician and her death is expected, then you have different procedures.
Unresponsive versus passed away will also get different results. When someone is unresponsive it is taken to mean that they are unconscious. Therefore all attempts to revive will be started at the dispatchers call for teams to respond. If she has died in her sleep, use that terminology.
Having a crematorium picked out will help you at the time you need them. Be sure and use a crematorium and not a funeral home that gets paid for helping the process along, costing unnecessary money.
Some elderly people are very reluctant to discuss such arrangements - almost as if by refusing to talk about their death it will somehow ward it off. I wish this weren't the case, as it can make things so much harder.
I would not wish to make additional work for people when I go, so have made a clear list of my wishes and had it filed with my will. I'd like to hope it's a way off yet, but at least I know that it's one less job for someone else.
Both my parents had also signed up with an organization called "Lifeline." All details were taken care of. They came to get them when they passed. There was no police or ambulance and they had a counselor who helped us with everything when we could not think clearly on our own at that point. They were wonderful and I highly recommend them. Plus because my parents both donated organs for research, there was no charge for the cremation. I don't know if this organization is available where you live but if it is it is well worth looking into. Having experienced how helpful they were and how much easier it made things, altho only in our 50's, my husband and I plan on using them for prearranged plans for ourselves.
After my folks FINALLY moved to assited living I did a little on line research about funeral and burial state law and costs. I then called the same funeral home to arrange prepaid services and burials for my parents. The funeral director told me the cheapest casket availability was $2800 . I told him I’d get one on line and have it shipped to them. He double checked, turns out he had one for $900. And so it went. My folks had been quite clear about having the simplest services possible. I was able to pre arrange this for them at a reasonable price and at a time when I wasn’t grieving and trying to deal with a thousand other things.