My wife, 76, had a superior memory all her life but it has declined over the past 4-5 years and is now out in the open between us. She recognizes the decline but sees it as something she can overcome by exercising her brain (to which she refers regularly).
Her main symptoms are loss of short-term and long-term memory. She doesn't remember any of the trips we have taken, has lost familiarity with the streets and stores in the town where we have lived for over 50 years (though she is relearning gradually), uses generic words for specific ones (she might call a kitchen cabinet a closet) and asks me to repeat the date and time of my doctor's appointment 3 or 4 times.
Our two daughters are adamant that she should not be driving for safety reasons, even with me as a passenger. She has gotten lost a couple of times, cell phone to the rescue. Otherwise she is a very careful driver, always has been. We went out recently so she could practice (which she insists is the key to solving her problem of navigation) and she handled the car well but had me confirm which way to turn before reaching every intersection. This was a drive to each of several friends' homes.
She has a mild form of epilepsy (never any blackouts, just momentary "tingles"), is on medication and has been episode free for 3 years. When it was first diagnosed she was prohibited from driving until she was episode free for 3 months and hated this restriction. To have that restriction in place again would be devastating as, again, she thinks she just needs to practice more (to know her way around).
How will I know when she is unsafe to be driving? Again, the girls think it's pretty much now. She has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment but not dementia so would there be a legal liability if she got in an accident?
I know a few people that you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to take a ride with!
It can’t be repeated too often that safety comes first, safety for your wife, any passengers and others sharing the road with her.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT AGISM! It’s a SAFETY issue. Please don’t bring up teens. We aren’t discussing teens. We are discussing the ELDERLY driving!
I personally feel that each state needs to do more driving tests after a specific age.
I would be the first one to vote for it in my state. I would not argue about complying with more testing. Why? I would NEVER want to be responsible for someone’s death!
No one should have so much pride that they would not agree to further testing to determine if they are capable drivers.
I thank God everyday that my parents were gracious about giving up the car keys. It made it much easier for me. I didn’t have to fight with them. I commend them for not wanting to endanger others or themselves.
I feel the same way about myself when I am no longer capable of driving, please don’t hesitate to take my keys away! Better yet, I will do as my parents did and give my keys and car to you.
My mom gave my car to my brother when she could no longer drive. Sell it or give it away.
When my mom said that she was giving her car to my brother I told her that it was a brilliant idea!
me directions so it is not so drastic. It has been a smooth transition and I sold his car with his approval immediately so he would not be reminded. We agreed to use some of the money to go away for a trip. I hope this helps.
Understanding you will most likely get kickback and resistance. Hold firm to what is best and keep on loving no matter what.
Loving prayers for you and your family. Getting older is harder than anyone ever realizes until we get there - and we all will.
and
"...a neighbor who knows cars and repairs saw the damages and to the other car as well and questions the description)..."
I hear that! Before the early dementia (perhaps it had already begun, but it would have been VERY mild), mom called about an accident and wanted the car moved to the place she liked for repairs. She told me she "brushed the pole." Two of us went to see this, and OMG, if THAT is brushing the pole, I would hate to see what happens when you HIT it!!!! Only the wiring was holding the bumper, grill, etc on, the hood was bent, the quarter panel pushed back, preventing opening the passenger door, etc... Who knows what else was damaged! Over $6,000!! I was also amazed that the insurance paid it and let her keep driving. She was more like 90 at that time (geez, your dad, 103 and driving!!!)
The repairman came out when we were gaping at the car and told me how not too long ago he replaced the whole "nose" of the car after another accident. My stupid YB never told me about accidents she'd had!! If he had, I would have reconsidered taking her to the RMV to renew her license. In her case, she was making a left turn out of a hearing aid place (the audiologist told her MANY times don't turn left, go right, and turn around at the lights just up the road!!) When she thought it was safe, she started out, then saw someone else coming and tried to "goose" it (BAD judgement) - with an 8-cyl and a 90 yo at the wheel, juicy recipe for disaster!
You know your wife better than they do.
I believe You abd your wife will both know when the time comes.
As long as she's a good driver, don't worry about her getting lost. Just always have tge address down so if sge gets lost, she can always use her phone.
And taking certain meds and using your brain is better than not letting her drive.
There are even memory games ya'll can play to help stimulate the brain and don't forget about crossword puzzles.
Anoway, who doesn't get lost driving?
She drives safe and it makes her happy to keep driving, that is what matters.
Prayers
I know my husband better than anyone else does, and when he is told to stop driving, I am the one that will have hell to pay. Not my kids, not his doctors. So of course I am avoiding what I know will eventually have to happen. But the fact of the matter is, it will have to happen
SAFETY IS THE SELL HERE TO HER. ITS BECAUSE YOU CARE.
Kind regards
She should agree to have her driving restricted until her doctor clears her, like before. If her brain is still working right, she will understand the reasoning for this.
She can take a senior's driving class and be tested. I think that the auto club has some or can refer you to some classes.
Being familiar with the directions to a place or "it's just a short trip" are no excuse. You can kill someone backing out of your driveway just as easily as you can kill someone driving at 70 mph on the highway. My mother, who had macular degeneration, didn't have a problem with driving the two blocks from home to her church where she worked, but there were also two schools between her and her destination. There was no way we were going to allow that, and fortunately, she gave up driving without too much fuss.
Please appeal to your wife's sense of right and wrong in getting her to give up driving. Life brings us changes all along the way, and some are no fun, but we plug on doing what we can. This is just another change to adapt to, not the end of the world.
She has been diagnosed with cognitive impairment. She also has dementia if she doesn't remember having traveled on vacations with you and you have repeat things three and four times to her.
She also has epilepsy.
Yet, you're asking if it's safe for her to drive? It's as safe as giving a toddler a gas can and a book of matches.
She cannot be allowed to drive anymore. Letting her drive (even if you're in the car) is risking her safety as well as your own.
You are also risking the safety of every other person and pedestrian on the road.
Humoring your wife by enabling her fantasy of believing she's still completely independent and capable of driving is selfish and dangerous. Your wife's happiness is not worth other people's safety and lives.
You can do the driving if you're still able. Use Ubers. Get her a companion who will take her out and help her run errands by doing the driving.
If she causes an accident she has liability whether or not she has been diagnosed with dementia, just like anyone else would.
What happens when she gets lost and forgets how to use her cell phone? Do you have a find my phone tracker on her phone? What if she forgets the phone at home?
Yes it is devastating, but it is part of aging.
Have the two of you got all your paperwork, Wills, POAs etc up to date? I strongly advise attending to this. She also needs a full workup with your family doctor.
If your wife has mild epilepsy and she is "getting lost" your next call may be what mine was.
Perhaps speak to your wife about how she would feel if her slowness and confusion caused her to have an accident and hurt a young family. Maybe her compassion and kindness will override her desire to keep driving. Unfortunately she will not regain those things she has lost. They will continue to go downhill. It's the nature of the beast called dementia. :-(
If I were your wife I think I'd be going back to my neurologist and asking for a review. Are you sure she has been completely open with you about what has been found to date?
When my FIL started showing signs of cognitive decline/dementia, he was still driving. One day he suddenly turned into the wrong lane thinking it was the left turn lane. I was in the car with him, told him he was in the wrong lane, he became flustered, and nearly pulled out into oncoming traffic! I had to shout "STOP!"
Another real risk is her inability to proactively avoid an accident. And cognitive decline/dementia can result in pedal confusion where the driver steps on the gas instead of the brakes.
If your wife is in an accident and it is discovered that she has dementia you both can lose everything depending on how bad the accident is. When your car insurance company discovers that she has dementia, they can decline to cover her after an accident. You will be on the hook personally for any and all damages and a personal injury attorney will make your lives a living hell while the case drags through court. Is it worth it?
Clearly your wife is not making good decisions anymore. She does not need more practice behind the wheel but rather to stop getting behind the wheel. If she won't stop then you must stop her. If she wants to exercise her brain, get her puzzles, books on tape, a new hobby, etc.
Please call your daughters, who are thinking clearly, and tell them you agree with them about getting your wife off the road. At least you will have support from your daughters. Good luck.
Back to MCI. This impairment may lead to dementia or may never get worse. It differs from dementia in that MCI doesn't affect one's daily activities and it may continue for years. Many people with MCI and even early dementia symptoms continue to live a productive life. I'm not sure if there would be a legal liability if she got into an accident, but if her condition is documented on her med records, the insurance company may refuse to pay because of her lack of judgment. A serious talk with the family and her PCP should be arranged.
IMHO, if your wife requires a 'back seat driver' to guide her along the roads, she has no business behind the wheel. So much of driving is snap decision making, no time for lollygagging about turning right or left or 'where am I'?
We just sold my MIL's care which is 24 years old. Had only 64,000 miles on it, but she hadn't had it out of the garage once in the last 5 years.
Upon expecting it, she did not have a single fender, bumper or mirror that hasn't been scraped or full on hit. Dh was aware, after the fact, that she had been blindly smacking into things and probably sidewiping other drivers right and left for years.
Luckily she never hit a PERSON.
Her ability to drive cautiously will not help if an accident happens to her. Her diminished capacity will ensure she will not be able to perform any rapid decision making if an accident starts to unfold. She’s getting lost and has to call for help. What if she misplaces her cellphone or ends up in a ditch where there’s no reception? You’re placing a great deal of faith in someone who has cognitive impairment to make sound judgement calls.
Talk to her physician to have him tell her to stop driving if you can’t have that conversation with her.
If she has to confirm which way to turn at each intersection, is there any question in your mind? How would she react in a sudden emergency?