My LO with undiagnosed dementia goes months without showering, or even changing clothes. Yes, I know all the reasons and yes, I've tried every imaginable support, modification, encouragement etc. You name it, I've tried it. Nothing has made one bit of a difference. He insists that he showers when I leave the house. He doesn't. I tried upping my game and putting some pressure on him. He got angry and said I'm exaggerating and that I don't know what I'm talking about. Total stalemate and I don't expect it to change. His clothes are soiled. He stinks. It has been this way for at least a year.
How do you resign yourself to such poor hygiene being the norm?? And how do you let these power struggles wreck your relationships?😔 He would never in a million years have allowed his own elders to be so neglected.
i think making the shower feel safe is key, you could try water shoes like Lea said. Towards the end, dad had bed baths by his carer and that worked a treat. It became part of dads routine and they were brilliant.
good luck x
Offer treats. Offer outings. Stay firm. stand behind the deals you make. Don’t go on that drive or watch his favorite show together until he complies. When he falsely tells you he took a shower, tell him kindly, “you need another one.”
Go shopping with him to get his favorite smelling soap. Pick something that he chooses so he feels “in charge” like the “man of the house.”
Bath and Body Works has some excellent products. They have a line designed for men. Even the drugstore has lots of great choices that he can make - to give him back a smidgen of power and control over his life.
Play his favorite songs while he’s in the shower. Encourage him to sing along. Let him watch a show he likes while soaking in a tub. He will start loving the experience of getting clean.
If all else fails, hire a CNA to come occasionally and assist him with his hygiene. Make sure to find the right person with the right temperament so your dad does not feel humiliated.
It was uncomfortable for me to help my dad in the shower, so I hired a man to help with this. Dad was much safer also. He took dad for a skill-level-appropriate short “work out” first, to maximize the benefit to Dad. Dad felt better all around.
My Dad had been gone now for years. I really miss his smell, even when it wasn’t ideal. ❤️
Mmm nodding.
Why is your toothbrush so dry?
It didn't get wet! I see.
Please brush your teeth now.
OK. But doesn't.
Same.
Needs a 'Mother' to stand by & keep directing or physically wash him.
An aide (the more no frills matronly type the better) can set the pace with a Right, let's get you washed up then.
I think it is different for each person and you have to tailor the approach. For us, until we realized we could get the bath aide we had to be content to get him to take a shower periodically and before doctor's appointments at the very least. He doesn't get out much. But we put our foot down on not letting him leave the house unshowered. And on some level HE knew that he had to smell bad even if he didn't smell it. Because he had a habit (a very bad habit) of dousing himself in this very strong, very cheap cologne/aftershave periodically so maybe he got a whiff of himself or maybe he just knew instinctively that after a certain point he probably must have an odor and he probably needed to mask it. In any event, THAT made it worse.
I worked as accountant in a factory that made leather jackets, and after a year or two I couldn’t smell leather. I miss it!
If father takes any clothes off to go to bed at night, sneak in and grab them, substitute clean ones.
If it all really bothers you, toughen up. So he gets angry – so what? He will also get hungry if he doesn’t get a meal until after he’s washed, and that might change things.
This will get worse, probably for years. Sooner or later, something is going to ‘wreck the relationship’. What is your sticking point?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OLrilAeT1U (Teepa Snow Bathing Video)
https://www.google.com/search?q=teepa+snow+hand+under+hand&oq=teepa+snow+hand+under+hand&aqs=chrome..69i57j35i39j0i512j0i22i30j0i390l3.5919j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 (General Teepa Snow videos)
Not wanting to bathe is a typical issue elders have when suffering from dementia, due to a variety of reasons. Your LO may honestly believe he 'just showered' or not realize he has body odor, or a million other 'ifs' can be at play with a broken brain. My mother lived in Memory Care AL during the last nearly 3 years of her dementia journey, so the CGs had no problem getting her into the shower. Now I, on the other hand, probably would have had one helluva problem doing so! LOs tend to act a lot worse with their caregivers who are relatives than they do with 'strangers' who are their caregivers.
I will tell you that my mother became a bit combative at one point with taking a shower; she was insisting the shower floor was 'slippery'. Nothing worked to allay her fears, until I had a bright idea to get her a pair of water shoes from Amazon. Like those you'd wear at the beach. Those did the trick for her. But I realize that there are 1000 other reasons demented elders won't bathe, fear only being one of many.
Try hiring someone to come into your home to give your LO a shower; a same-sex CG might be best. And don't give your LO a choice in the matter; the CG should be firm and matter-of-fact about NOW is the time to get into the shower Mr/Mrs Jones, so let's get ready.
The bathroom should be kept warm also, in case your LO feels cold and is not wanting to shower for that reason. With dementia at play, diagnosed or not, you just don't know WHY they won't shower b/c logic and reasoning escapes them now so telling you 'why' isn't an option (most often).
Here's a good 33 page article to read called Understanding the Dementia Experience which does address hygiene and bathing:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
The booklet is a free download.
Best of luck!
wash her. It is hard to be close to her because of the hygiene issues.
any suggestions how to persuade her to let me wash her?
"Well. If my hands looked like yours, would you want me to touch you?"
Client walked to the kitchen sink and scrubbed his hands with soap and a nail brush up to the elbow.
Mind you, I wasn't thinking when I said that to him and I felt bad about it afterwards - I didn't mean to make him feel ashamed.
But sometimes a blunt "that sweatshirt smells to high heaven! And if there aren't things living in it it's only because they've walked out in protest" is better than trying to be nice (and as a spouse you're allowed to say it).
We have also had absolute failures, when nothing we could try made any difference and we had to admit defeat.
Could you get away on your own for a couple of weeks, try leaving him in the hands of an experienced aide, see what happens? If nothing else at least you'd get a break!
My DH didn't want to rock the boat, so he wouldn't support me in getting dad to bathe (shower). This was almost 20 years ago, and I am MUCH tougher now.
I finally told him he would be going NOWHERE if he didn't minimally do an 'undercarriage wash' and put on fresh underwear. No more thongs. Also the pants he's take off that were soiled and gross weren't even attempted to be washed. He wore new ones.
I understood that a shower was daunting to think of taking. Sometimes I'd get in there with him, allowing him the dignity of leaving the thong on and then taking it off at the last minute to clean. I bought highly scented soaps (I remember Irish Spring, it had quite the pungent smell).
He was never a super-groomer, but as he aged and was so tired, he just couldn't. I did a LOT of 'bed baths' but nothing gets the privates as well as a good shower.
I did figure out to enlist the aid of his oncologist, who would tell him to listen to me--and maybe he was a little afraid of me, IDK.
Dad loved to eat out, at least once a day. The way he smelled had people asking to be moved away from us. He also would have blowouts in restaurants. I cleaned up more than one mess and then tipped the waiters, etc, enormous sums of money for the fact they had to disinfect the whole area.
We were never successful in getting him into Depends. The MidKid who cared for him is not the same MidKid. I've learned a lot. Fecal matter stuck to delicate skin for days on end is irritating and miserable.
I suppose had he still been married this would have been his wife's problem, but he had been divorced from DH's mom for 20 years. It was up to SIL and me.
I was always respectful and gentle, but firm and wouldn't cave on the absolute necessity of him showring 3xs a week, or as needed and not going to restaurants in dirty clothes. It was for his dignity--and I alwasys respected that--but it is still a memory I don't cherish.
Never tried sneak attack with ABBA, this is a new one 🤣🤣🤣. This is AWESOME!
I can picture a sunny morning, a bright bathroom & someone singing cheerfully.. Love me or leave me, I want a shower, please believe me, yes I do, I do I do I do I do I dooooo.
volunteer to do his laundry once per week as he will probably wear the same clothes every day. Buy a soft toothbrush and some mouthwash. Good luck, I lived thru this with my Dad and found that arguing and nagging got nowhere but gentle suggestion after buying everything worked better.