Raina28 Asked August 2014
Has anyone experienced treatment where you have been judged by others even though you're doing your best?
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Instead of having to respond to an inquiry for providing professional help, the person who answered the phone shifted the responsibility back to the caller.
This seems to be one of the dynamics in one of the many posts on here about family members not helping but rather accusing the caregiver of inadequate care, mishandling of finances, etc. Absolve yourself of any blame or liability for not participating in someone's care by accusing the caregiver of wrongdoing.
Miller's comment about scapegoating, blame shifting and self congratulations is right on and gets to the heart of those who offer advice and/or criticism but not the help that's needed.
In exploring a senior's options, it only makes sense to explore their children's current and possible future contributions in terms of care and support. She didn't know your situation. Put it right out of your mind.
You should look for another agency. And That lady needs to realize that she wouldnt have a job if there wasnt a need/reason for it! Plus its always easier for those who never had to be there to help a loved one, balance health issues such as yourself, balance life, they wont be able to understand completely. You and your mom hang in there and you both are in my thoughts.
Turn your frustration to action. Call your state and find out if this agency is licensed and how to file a complaint against it. Search online for a ombudsperson aencies that assist caregivers and elders with a variety of tasks. Ask if they have a complaint list of agencies that aren't suitable for caregiving. Complain to the BBB. It probably won't do anything but at least there will be a complaint on record.
Don't even bother calling this agency anymore; don't apologize or explain. You don't need to, and to do so would only seem to validate their accusations.
Many professionals do their jobs as they are trained to do them, but it takes someone really special to get across the point that they are giving choices and advice that they know may or may not be helpful in your situation. Sometimes its a matter of "take what you want and leave the rest." That was generally my motto. I am completely open to learning from professionals if they seemed to have even a clue about what family caregiving is all about. However, I've always respected professionals who realize that they can learn about reality from listening to family caregivers, as well.
As is generally the case, you've found people in this community who relate to you and who have advice and stories to tell. Just knowing that people are "listening" often helps.
Try to get help through your Area Agency on Aging or your state website (type "aging" next to your search for the state). You'll find a long list of agencies and contacts. Work your way through and we can hope you'll find some resources in your area.
Mainly, know in your heart that what other people think about your caregiving isn't as important as what you think. Be open to learning but remember that you know your family situation.
Best wishes as you travel this journey. Please check back with us so we know how you are doing.
Carol
I have a meeting with mum's consultant in hospital ghis afternoon, and my pompous older brother, who has not been to see mum more than 3 times this year, has decided that because he is working from home today he has deigned humour us with his presence at the meeting!
He knows absolutely nothing about mum's issues, but that won't stop him making stupid uninformed comments.
This should be fun :)
(H*ll, he may even surprise me! But I'm not holding my breath)
I'd love someone else to step up to dealing with doctors, would tale a load off me, but my brothers pop in and out, so to be honest just disrupt things.
Big hug to all the carers out there! xx
My father is currently in a nursing home. The Social Service lady came up to me last week in front of my father, "He wants a TV in his room, he said he wants a TV, you need to bring a TV". Of course my father will parrot what others say, so the next hour was "when are u bringing me a TV"? This NH does not provide TV or cable, we have to provide TV and pay for cable services. My dad broke the last 2 TV sets by pulling them over since he will hold onto anything to pull himself up out of the wheelchair. He doesn't know how to work a remote, I bought the simplest remote sold and big so he doesn't have to fumble with it. He could turn it on...then NOT turn it off. Yet I'm being told that this is what I should do....not taking into consideration that my father has not watched TV for over a year, no attention span...but back to YOU.....you do what you can, nothing more, you don't push yourself to where there is nothing left....please listen to us who advise you to always take care of you first. Not a selfish plea, but wisdom spoken from years of caregivers who have about killed themselves to take care of others. Do what you can. Research online or locally for help. REPORT this woman who thinks she knows you and your care for your parent. Expect the same from family members, they always know best, better than you, of course, they will have expert advice without ever coming to visit or spend months of 24 7 care. Please don't let it get you down and please continue to post and let us know how u r.
Whilst this careworker was, in my opinion, unprofessional to make such comments to your mum without knowing the full picture (and I don't think you'd be out of line saying so in writing to her supervisor), this was NOT a personal attack on you. When these people don't know you, then their comments are not meant as attacks.
Let it go. You know how hard you've worked, and much as we all crave someone to notice and tell us 'well done', sadly it does not happen often.
There's always someone with an opinion. Just count to ten. Learn to separate comments from attacks.
Sounds like you are just raw from this. Caring grinds us all down, and is often thankless. That's why this site is so great, you can talk to folk in the same position, and WE can tell you how amazing you are, because WE understand exactly what you have had to sacrifice to care for your mum, and how bl**dy hard it is.
...to the lady who got upset at being given dietary advice for her dad, that is all it was, advice. That's just their job. It did not sound like an attack or a judgement.
Again, try to count to ten and you'll be able to spot where there is no malice meant.
Don't beat yourself up that you're not down the farmer's market picking up fresh kale and spinach every other day! (Like they'd eat it anyway?;)
Frozen veg are better than no veg.
Got to develop skin like a rhino as a carer.
I agree, it is UN-believable. This woman gets a call from an elderly lady, immediately gets hold of the wrong end of the stick, and then will not let it go no matter what.
She's a professional, she really should know better. But, sadly, and I'm never surprised any more, even people who should know better quite often don't.
I've sat there and watched senior people appear to believe every word of the b/s my mother is feeding them. Sometimes, the operative word is "appear" - they are in fact taking the story with a pinch of salt, but they don't contradict or challenge their clients - they just check up later. But sometimes, they are actually believing it and you just have to think to yourself "how long have you been doing this job? Have you heard of dementia?"
So, back to the deep breath. You call the agency, and mustering every ounce of patience you possess, you calmly explain that the history taken by the person your mother spoke to needs to be corrected in several essential respects. And then you tell them what the accurate picture is.
Don't blame your mother for not speaking up. It is very hard to separate a dog from a bone.
All will be well. Just hang on to your temper, whatever happens, or misunderstandings will multiply. Best of luck.
But, from agencies, I did rarely/occasionally hear “What about your daughter?”, or words to that effect – and often heard it as referred to other patients at Stroke Center therapies, hospitals, SNF’s, etc – as well as connected in “respite caregiving” I did for others after my parents were gone.
In those cases (and the minimal way I heard it for me per se), I think it is said by lesser caring “caregivers”, not thinking, and using us as their scapegoats.
I had an unrelated personal issue recently, and an ol’ friend wrote back with:
“You’re a scapegoat. It saves people from having to look at themselves and their own lives. They can compare themselves and pat themselves on the back. Being humble used to be a virtue. Sadly lacking these days. Of course, the vocal minority gets paid too much attention. People look at me and check my elbow to see if I'm a junky when I'm too thin. Or feel sorry for me. I hate it too.”
(This old friend often comes back with wise insight. I think she pretty well hit the nail on the head here, too.) Sad it’s that way – but society has changed since the days I grew up, and I don’t care for these changes.