I am a 42 years old man, never got married. I have been living and taking care of my parents all my life. I have one older sister, 13 years senior than me. She is married and she does not live with us.
My mom passed away 5 years ago, and my father is 89 years old. He had severe depression and diagnosed with diabetes when my mom dies. I quitted my full time personal support worker job in a senior home and do full time home based business ever since, so that I can take care of my dad. With my professional care on him, now my dad is very healthy. He is very independent at home. However, living with him has causing me so much pain and burden, subsequently feeling very depress, very helpless, feeling hopeless for my future and with an increasing desire to end my life before my father dies.
My dad is a very stubborn person. No one could ever change his mind. He refuses to attend any senior day care program at community centers, not to mention willing to admit to a senior home.
He has never been fair to me, favor only my sister. Throughout my entire life, my sister can shout at me, belittle me, while my parents never allowed me to fight back. My dad not willing my sister contribute any time to him, while he demands me to contribute my time on him with countless hours. He demands family union every single week - both myself and my sister accompany him and that the my suffering from my abusive sister and the lack of love from my dad become a package to taking care and livng with my dad.
He is also very controlling. He do the cooking, i.e. breakfasts and dinners. If I wake up late, he never have breakfast himself, he must wait for me and have breakfast with me. When I am busy not having dinner with him, he refuses to have proper dinner, but having instant noodles. These creates the feeling that if I do not accompany him to eat, he never eats or eats properly.
My dad is also very disgusting. He chooses to say inappropriate before others, so that he feels superior that no one would correct him because he is old.
To a point, I hate him so much that I could not eat just looking at him. I feel very guilty as deep in my heart, I want him to die, so that I can no longer suffer, but he is now extremely healthy and he never get sick. What if he has another 20 years to go, my life would be completely ruined. The hatred turns towards myself, I wish I would die soon that I do not need to see him and slowly I became heavily substance abuse - killing myself slowly.
Experts and friends, and advices?
It is not selfish, it's taking care of your own life that was given to you.
You are a good man. Treat yourself better. I don't mean to say it's because you deserve better or you are not appreciated: you did what you did because you are a very good person. Now, be good to yourself; since you realize you have enough,it's still time before you disappear into nothingness. Your father, maybe not consciously, seems to be sucking the life out of you.
Go, don't accumulate more resentment, it just ruins you. Go with your head up, and run.
Also, since he sounds like his mind is still good, you are not responsible for him doing the things that he knows he is supposed to do, like eating properly. It's time to think of yourself and not put everyone else ahead of you. I am trying to do this myself, and when you have been brought up to be the family fixer, it's hard to change - but you have to remind yourself to be firm and back away and let your father be responsible for whatever happens to him. Good luck
You have skills that are hugely in demand, and highly portable. I suggest you pack them, along with your belongings, and take them where they are wanted, appreciated, and properly remunerated.
Start by imagining what future you would like. Where would you like to live? What job would you find satisfying? Research opportunities that might fit the bill. Put your CV together. Start applying. Secure the post you want. Arrange accommodation, on a temporary basis until you find your feet. Then off you go.
These are the positives in your life:
1. You are a strong, capable, dependable and caring person.
2. You have a wealth of professional experience that will be valuable to an employer.
3. You have no personal or domestic ties. Repeat. You have no personal or domestic ties.
4. You are free to pursue any future you are capable of imagining.
The one thing you need to deal with first is the substance abuse. It's hard to say without knowing the specifics, but whatever the substance is there will be help available to you to leave it behind for good. Go online, research organisations relevant to your particular crutch, get their advice.
If you're afraid that it might have got too strong a hold on you, remember this. Research psychologists found that overcrowded, miserable rats would get drunk as skunks even though it poisoned them. Given good food and decent living conditions, they became happy rats who shunned alcoholic drinks in favour of plain water. Moral: get yourself to a better place, and you won't even want, let alone need, the crutch.
Please set yourself free. Good luck.
Breakfast is hard. We were making her breakfast for a year. Thank God my mother's doctor recently told her to east a bowl of bran every morning. Now she makes a bowl for herself every morning.
We recently stopped cooking and putting out leftovers for dinner. We learned that if she got hungry enough she would ask or cook for herself. My mother can cook but we also cook to keep leftovers on the fridge for her, because her behavior is so unpredictable. So far this had been working for the past 2 weeks but we know this could change due to her Dementia progressing.
Try cooking 1 meal that will last several days for yourself.
Establishing your own eating times and meal routines separate from your father may help.
I try to eat before or after my mother to avoid her behavior.
This might sound cruel but I have to protect and take care of myself or I will be sick. I've been sick physically, emotionally and spiritually since becoming my mother's caregiver.
I recently said to myself "I'm not going to let her disease destroy me". I'm trying to get my health back and life back. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know the process and end result is better than where I am today.
Hope this helps.
Her behavior is similar to your fathers. Historically we've never had a good relationship and she is demanding, emotionally abusive and difficult. Her Dementia has caused this behavior to escalate.
I am at the end of my rope.
She takes her meds sporadically and says she doesn't need them or anyone to help her or be her caregiver. She refuses outside help.
At this point, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I've found that detaching myself emotionally from her helps.
When she starts I walk away. You have to take care of yourself.
Try to learn triggers that cause your father to act out.
Do what you can. There is only so much we can do as caregivers to difficult parents. Over doing things will only stress us out. The fact that you moved to care for your father speaks volumes.
With my mother we had to stop reacting and now only do what we can. There's food in the fridge and we put out her AM & PM meds. I handle all of the bills and my brother drives her to the doctors and takes her grocery shopping.
She, like your father, refuses to go to or do anything the doctors suggest.
Venting on this forum helps.