We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on. In fact, it may have gotten worse. In the beginning we saw each other twice a week. Now, only once, or even every other week. I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain. We live 30 minutes from each other so it is not easy to just come by on a daily basis for a short visit.
His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing, now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time. I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes. Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95.
My BF did go to college and did work as an engineer for several years until they closed down the company he worked for. Since then he has worked part time jobs while taking care of his dad.
His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility. He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave.
My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more. I know nothing will change until his dad passes. I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage. I'm 46 and not getting any younger. My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years.
Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him? I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge, and for that i would feel terribly guilty. I love him very much and i just want to be with him. The way things are now, I feel like we have an on-again-off-again relationship because we see each other so seldom.
I know this sounds more like an advice for the love-lorn letter, but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks, in advance.
This sounds like hogwash, I know, but I recently watched a documentary on how the heart has a mind of its own physically. I bet somewhere on down the line that scientists will realize more how this vascular "brain" influences us, often letting us know things before our brains do. But enough of the science. I would just say listen to your heart and not your logical mind.
Well, maybe she still finds it's worth it (apparently so), and good luck to her. But her hope that it'll one day all come together is painful to see. Just please take care of yourself better than that.
I do not think you are in the wrong department, only a caregiver would understand, the needs of the his father vs. any other people, or any other needs, and I can tell you, that you are on the right road, when you recognize that a caregiver already has some/other stressers, but a caregiver also deserves to establish his own relationships too! However shutting you out or having his father call his shots...that is not in your interest, but has he considered moving you in? He your BF has obligations, to both you and his father, maybe his father's concerns are that he will be dumped and your concerns are that you will be dumped does it have to be either/or? Can't you both co-exist?
If you know already, that there is some reason you could not live with this man, then you are pretty much going to have to, take things as they are...or counter offer and see where your BF stands with living together...
Either way, it sounds like communication is in order and so close to Valentine's Day, I wish you Good Luck!
I know I don't.
I think my reply got lost in the shuffle, but...I think your best bet is to be honest and tell him how you feel. I'm sure if he is a kind man, you will be able to find a compromise that you are both happy with.
I think that ROCKS! You drove that home for sure. Good for you, and recognizing people in today's world. While it is rather unfortunate and sad it's true.
Good luck to you but I really don't think you need it.
Be well.
lwentagon, he is an only child. Only relatives close by is dad's sister-in-law in her 80's. Not really able to help. He can't arrange day off because his dad refuses outside care/help, including mine. Boardgames would be almost impossible because he can't concentrate and gets confused easily. Oh, I'm sure his dad sees me as a threat that i will take his son away from him, although he has never been intentionally rude to me. He just says inappropriate things sometimes because of his dementia. He is not able to filter the things that pop into his mind. they come right out of his mouth. But then he realizes what he said and is embarrassed.
Kathleen, when we met, my BF was working for my friend's boyfriend who owns a construction company. He was the guy who comes and takes the estimates for a job that is about to be done. I was having my roof re-shingled on my house and he sent him out to calculate how much material would be needed and give me an estimate on the cost. We hit it off and he asked me out. In reality, we were set up by my friend and her BF. They told him I was single, and they told me that he was single and looking. This was back when his dad wasn't too bad, yet. He was working almost full time and he was able to get away more, for work, and for me. . As his dad got worse, he cut down on his work hours......and his 'me' hours.
Jessiemae, when his dad is gone he won't have any parents left to cater to. His mother died 11 years ago.
ignorotic, I agree. I plan on discussing it with him this weekend.
Some characteristics of a narcissistic abuser--Feeling of superiority over others. Unreasonable expectations of others, failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority. Shamelessness. Project their shame on to others. Inflate themselves by deflating and degrading others. Others exist to serve them or may as well not exist.No boundary between self and other--others are treated as an extension of themselves. Lack of empathy. Detest people who do not admire them. Using other people. Acting a lot more important than they are. Excessive bragging. Claiming expertise at many thngs. No gratitude, no remorse. No guilt. Pathalogical lying. Manipulative. Anti-social. Failure to accept responsibility for their actions.
After I left him i went to school to become a CT radiology technologist. Gained TONS of confidence! I am self-supporting. I know i will never be abused by anyone ever again! That is why I am confident that I can handle things that come my way with my BF. I'm not going to put up with any more sh-- from anyone. Ha, ha!
But, yes, I neeed to communicate in a non-threatening way. and one thing at a time. Gonna give it a go this weekend.
I don't think he will stray either he hasn't shown that pattern.
Another pointer always start your discussion with some positives - you appreciate him and your relationship, you love your time together, you admire how he makes sacrifices to care for his dad... whatever is genuinely what you feel, and then ease into your concerns. Men need to be admired and appreciated, He has helped you fix up your house - awesome. Then let him know what you need. One thing most women need is security.
Remember you are an equal partner in this team.
Anyway, we had a wonderful time, today! Spent the whole day together. He gave me the royal treatment. Red roses, breakfast, the mall, dinner. We talked a lot, about everything. I think we are going to be ok. He's a very understanding person. I think he has been a lot more stressed out from his dad than he has been letting on. His dad is a constant worry. BFs aunt took care of his dad while he was gone today.
I think some people here have had bad experiences and they project that into your situation. I know most of them still mean well. I just wonder how different some of these responses would be if it were the woman caregiving and the man wanting to change the situation...
I have a lot of respect for people who stick with their friends, family, etc when things are hard. Most people in this world only want you around if it's on their terms and it's complication free.
Best of luck, glad to hear things seem to be on an upswing!
I admit I wasn't ready for such responses and it really made me feel, as you said "doom and gloom" after reading them. Then I realized that they are only speaking from their experiences, like you said.. Just because some caregiver relationships don't go well, doesn't mean they all are destined to failure.
It's all about what you are willing to fight for. True love is worth fighting for. If you walk away when complications arise, then it is only a fair weather or convenience relationship. Not love.
My mom died December 20th. It's going to be a long, long time before I feel like giving a damn thing to anyone else. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I don't want to make concessions for even one more person for even one more minute at this point. I don't want someone wanting something from me, demanding something from me. I just don't have the ability to compromise, negotiate or give a tinkers damn what anyone else wants from me at this point. I've already given so much of myself to my mom that I wonder if I'll ever date again and just the thought of someone putting pressure on me to do something I don't want to do irritates the hell out of me. I need peace. I need quiet. I need and crave solitude like I need and crave oxygen right now. You can't even begin to imagine the toll that this role can take on someone, what it takes OUT of them. Any relationship I might have had while taking care of my mom, and even the thought is laughable, would have been totally and completely one sided, with me doing the taking. I just didn't have anything left over to give and successful relationships are a two way street. The mental toll that the care giver role can take on someone is so ungodly huge that nobody who hasn't done it can't even begin to fathom it. And that's not even adding the mental bullshit that abuse or dealing with whacked parents add on top of it all. Bleh.
Date this man. Enjoy him. But don't have too many expectations, wants or needs. You'll be setting yourself up for major disappointment if you do. That's all.
I know this doesn't begin to compare to what you have been through, but I felt like I had the life sucked out of me in my marriage. My ex was SO demanding of me. I had to do my work plus help him with his work, plus a full time job, etc, etc... And he would not let me have friends or spend much time with my family, but who had the time?. Very controlling. After I divorced, I felt the same way. Didn't want to give any of myself to anyone. Just wanted to take care of me. Do what I wanted, when I wanted, with who I wanted, or do noting at all, if I wanted. And I did. I didn't think I needed anyone, especially a man.
After 8 years of mostly happy singleness, with bouts of loneliness, along came this very nice guy who asked me out. I thought I'd give it a try, just for the heck of it, with zero expectations.
Long story short, he was a God-send! Not perfect, nobody is. But wonderful, nonetheless.
I have been warned to not even date this guy because he is "nerdy" and hangs out with old people. I hang out with old people, too! People don't take the time to get to know someone, they judge by what's they see on the outside. If they had taken the time they would realize what a huge heart my BF has! Sometimes people have been hurt so much by other people that they don't show their true selves for fear of being hurt again. So people judge them as being weird, nerdy, whatever.... Yes, he's a little nerdy at first, but that is because he is nervous until he gets to know you, then that goes away. He's got a loving heart, and the fact that he's very good-looking doesn't hurt matters!
I am going into this knowing what I'm probably in for, and I choose to try to stick it out. Call me stubborn! It will probably end up being tougher than I thought it would be, but I'm prepared for that. This forum has helped me to know what to possibly expect and I thank you all, for that.
It will probaly be a very long time, but once you have rested and concentrated on you for a while, you will most likely allow someonein your life again. Hopefully you can find someone who is not demanding of you, like I have. I wish you the very best!
again, not sexist, just provocative thinking.
If I could pick up and move closer to him I would. I've offered to help him with his dad, but his dad is very proud and refuses to let me help, or anyone else, for that matter.
I have a mortgage and it it is difficult to find a job in the field I am in, so I am stuck working where I am, now because of the poor job market.
If I moved close to him it would take me over an hour to get to work. Maybe once his dad gets worse, things will change and I will be able to help him, but for now, this is how it is.
BF made it a point to show me his 401k. I didn't ask or say anything about it, but is is nice to know he will be secure financially when he retires.
Standing---you go girl!!!!!! Ha, ha! ; )