We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on. In fact, it may have gotten worse. In the beginning we saw each other twice a week. Now, only once, or even every other week. I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain. We live 30 minutes from each other so it is not easy to just come by on a daily basis for a short visit.
His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing, now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time. I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes. Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95.
My BF did go to college and did work as an engineer for several years until they closed down the company he worked for. Since then he has worked part time jobs while taking care of his dad.
His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility. He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave.
My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more. I know nothing will change until his dad passes. I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage. I'm 46 and not getting any younger. My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years.
Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him? I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge, and for that i would feel terribly guilty. I love him very much and i just want to be with him. The way things are now, I feel like we have an on-again-off-again relationship because we see each other so seldom.
I know this sounds more like an advice for the love-lorn letter, but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks, in advance.
"Hanging in there" with loyalty and faithful love is an important quality in a mate, too.
I hope that you both marry. I am not keen on living together without marriage first, but I wish both of you well.
What would happen if you both got engaged? Engagements can last 18 months before a modest private wedding. What the possessive father do? Maybe the father would want the son to take a wife? Maybe the father has private worries about his son's future and companionship?
My daughter's paternal grandmother was cruel, cruel, cruel. Six years ago when she died, my first husband contacted me to alert me that our daughter was "legally excluded" from having any monetary benefit from the trust established. I wonder if that could be contested in court (the grandmother told me never to show myself after the divorce was decreed, even with the grandchild).
Waiting4alife, I believe in love and happy endings. I believe in a couple growing old together. I believe that a professional, established woman with property of her own and a good salary of her own should be respected by her fiance (and future husband). Maybe snuggle together but keep your own homes as fiance/fiancee before a private wedding/huge-celebration wedding? I did not "move in" with my current husband before our wedding (slept together, yes). We had a Catholic wedding (which means that my first marriage went through annulment) - you can bet your bottom dollar that I pledged myself for life.
I have seen women who married late in life (but with their own high net worth and real estate) get screwed by the husband. And I have observed women marrying late in life wed a true blue prize winner!
I will keep you in my prayers. I should not have jumped the gun on your guy: he DOES have an independent streak if he's a biker. Mazeltov to both of you in your mutual love - may the situation bring a happy marriage (at some future point)!
i don't need to be rich, just comfortable and not buried in dept. Last night he showed me his bank card. Private member. Meaning that he has a lot of money in his account and gets prime treatment. I never ask him about his finances, he just volunteers it to me. I think his past relationships must've been gold diggers or he is just trying to assure me that I will not have to support him in retirement?
Thanks for the prayers and good wishes!
"Zaldrizes Busdari Iksos Daor" High Valyrian for 'A dragon is not a slave'. ;)
My ex boyfriend wasn't his mother's caretaker, but he did help her a lot. I knew him since high school. We didn't start dating until we were in our 30's, but I knew even as a teen his mom had a death grip on his balls...and his mind. The guy couldn't do anything without her say so. Our so called relationship was a disaster. That's the only guy I've ever been in a relationship with that was chained to his mother like that. God forbid, never, ever again. I'm too tired to go into details about the endless problems that woman caused. He blamed ME for all those problems because I wasn't down with her constant interference and drama and let it be known. Now she's elderly and has one son taking care of her and he had to be pressured into it. He's looking for work, she's driving him mad and he's ready to bounce any minute now. Her kids visit very rarely and I don't blame them. Gene, the ex, was really the only one who bothered with her...to his own detriment. She twisted him like I've never seen anyone twisted for as far back as I've known him. Poor sap. His cajones must be blue by now. lol
If I EVER in this life meet another man so tied to his mother...or father for that matter...and I see that, it's over before it's begun. No freaking thanks. Life's too damn short to waste time on someone that won't ever put you first and expects you to be satisfied with crumbs. That's why I didn't date anyone myself when I was in the caretaker role. It would have been highly unfair on that person. That, in my eyes, would have been selfish. Expecting someone to sit in the shadows waiting on me for a life and only being able to toss them a bone now and again. I knew better. The care giver role WILL consume you. This is far, far from over with your man, Waiting. You could be on that back burner for the next 10 years. And if you stay, you will be if your man continues being the sole care giver. Sad, but true, unfortunately. Just the way it is.
"We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on."
And it won't.
"In fact, it may have gotten worse"
And it will.
"I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain."
Now you're feeling guilty/responsible. Oh joy! Nothing like feeling like a nagging bitch for normal, human feelings!
"His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing,"
Indeed.
"now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time"
Yup.
"I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes."
No s***!
"Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95."
That right there, just that, is a big FAT red flag, waving in the wind and flapping in your face.
"His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility."
But of course. He's got a servant 24/7. Why would he want to change anything? He's a selfish old bastard. And your BF tows the line. Another red flag waving in the breeze.
"He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave."
And he hasn't left has he, so it's working. Can I say it again? Your bf tows the line. Can you hear that red flag snapping?
"My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more."
Of course, he would say that. (Great way to keep you hooked and guilty if you think about ending it from dissatisfaction. Make YOU responsible for his well being, ) And yeah, that's about all you are. Sorry.
"I know nothing will change until his dad passes."
If then. Ol' boy's got issues.
"I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage."
And imho, you're repeating past mistakes.
"I'm 46 and not getting any younger."
You got that right!
"My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years."
You're dating a 51 year old man that's been stunted mentally and is still a child. What else?
"His dad could live another 10 years."
Oh, yes!
"Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him?"
No. But you will.
"I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge,"
Please. Who are you kidding? He'd live. Besides, if he offed himself or something, who'd be there for daddy? He'd manage.
"and for that i would feel terribly guilty."
Nothing to feel guilty about. The sun rises and sets on daddy...not you. Put the guilt where it belongs and don't take ANY of it on your shoulders.
"but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated."
I bet. Your gut in this letter has already told you all you need to know. You just aren't listening.
That's all.
I regret postponing return to college. At age 50 I was accepted into a degree program but did not properly start it (state institution). You have to love yourself. That means doing things for you. I am quasi-homebound now with an orthopedic disorder (and on SSDI). And on the other side of menopause, too. It is important for me as a mother to a daughter that I "follow my joy" (music, photography, possible return to teaching after I finish the Bachelor's degree).
We, women, are indoctrinated by culture to see ourselves in relation to others. Love your BF to follow your heart. But you are still YOUNG. I say be independent in your actions - consider part time return to grad school. Guys like women who achieve and are self-sufficient (at least that whay my husband of almost 19 years says attracted him to me - I was 36 and he 42 when we met, 38 and 44 when we married).
I have a cousin who is an only child, lives 3 streets away from her widowed mom. She is married to her one and only husband, and has an only son. My cousin is accomplished, involved in her community and very self-actualized with her professional life. She has home/work balance. My gut says it's because she values herself, too. She is not an emotional doormat.
With your BF, Standingalone says "The sun rises and sets on daddy....not you." If daddy dies, what happens when the quartet becomes a trio? You, BF and your daughter? Where does the sun rise and set? Your daughter? You?
There is a red flag if this BF doesn't feel courage enough for both of you to get engaged. Engagements do not mean shackup together. Engagements are preparation period for a future married life until death parts you. Would the BF's father go on a psycho rampage if his only son got engaged? Engagement is NOT marriage.
You're a parent, I am a parent and we have something in common: we want the BEST for our youngsters because we love them. When an only son is 51 and single, shouldn't that 51 year old's life be enhanced with a worthy wife? That is how I would see it for my children. I cannot imagine any parent toxic enough who would silently forbid their grown child to take a spouse! I cannot. I am not set up that way. Life is too short. Life needs joy in love, not possessions and money.
This thread has evolved into an interesting Q & A series. Standingalone has some valuable insight about the courage to love one's self and demonstrate self-worth in one's life decisions. Standingalone means well.
So, you are 46 now. What is supposed to happen between now and the time you turn 60? Get a degree! Travel to London with your daughter. Find joy in things and bring a smile to your daughter's eyes. There are cheap ways to travel. I took both of my youngsters to Paris and London on a 10 day trip when I was a single parent, 2 years before I remarried. In those days, I was not looking for guy - I wanted to be the best Mom I could be.
Accomplished, independent, educated women are Sexy and hot to some men! Guys really do not want emotional doormats. Guys want a trophy lady on their arm. Guys want a well spoken, balanced lady on their arm. I heard that from several horses' mouth!
Standingalone is warning you about the devastation that can happen when somebody gets entangled in a co-dependent relationship. Co-dependent is not inter-dependent.
You are the pilot of your own personal happiness (maybe with some help from God, but I am a believer). Not your BF, not the BF's father. You. I believe that is what Standingalone is dissecting here.
Standingalone is right on one thing: your gut is your sense of what is true. And your gut will NEVER lie to you. Never.
Why are you desperate?
There is a saying about certain ethnic "women": they either leave their parents home in a casket or in a wedding dress. Those days are long, long gone. Big red flag.
PS You don't need a ring to get engaged. I happen to like my solitaire, but the engagement meant planning for future married life and living separately. If your BF is afraid to get engaged while his father is alive, something is seriously amiss. I would tell my daughter to RUN, too.
PPS you can meet all sorts of decent men in a grad school program!
My wife and I met while I was caregiving. The situation was a bit different, I am much younger and I was able to stand up for myself easier than waiting4alife's guy. We had no kids. I had left home previously. But it comes down to the same thing; we could have thrown away our relationship because it wasn't perfect, but instead we fought for what we wanted.
My wife and I were both stressed, and we did our best to handle it . But guess what, that's life. If it's not caregiving, it's money, or health, or family trouble, or work trouble...life is stress. You can try to cherry-pick your life and your situation, looking for perfection, or you can make the best of what life gives you.
And there's a huge difference, imo, as wide as the grand canyon, between stresses like money woe's, or bad health, and taking on the care of another human being who may need that care around the clock. Couples can come together, work every day issues out together, can actually become closer as a couple. But we're talking about a third party, another human, being in the mix of a relationship, whose needs can, and do, overshadow all else. Three's a crowd imo. Marriages fail because of the care taker role.
It's not about finding perfection, it's about finding someone who fulfills you ...and I don't think Waiting is getting any of that in this situation. It's not about cherry picking...it's about what is and what's not acceptable in a relationship, and that goes for anyone. . We all have standards and deal breakers. Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with a guy caring for his parents. Too often, from what I've read around here, the wife ends up bearing the brunt of that load. No thanks.
Sure, life is stress. There's stress...and then there's the intolerable. Taking on a guy who's caring for someone elderly around the clock is a totally different ball game, the kind of ungodly stress I don't need and that I would NEVER want. *twitch* I never dragged anyone into that role with me and I don't want anyone dragging me into it.
Waiting has to figure out if what this guy is offering is enough. Somehow, I don't think so.
I hate that his parents made him this way by hoarding him and being so over-protective. I think he was picked on in school because he was small, among other things, so his parents (mother) sheltered him. They set him up for failure. His parents are the ones who are really screwed up, not allowing him to have a life and family of his own. I had never heard of such a thing until I met him. That is THE most selfish thing a parent could ever do to a child.
But then I think, if he really, really wanted to, he could've gotten away from them. But who knows what they said to him to make him stay. I can only imagine----"Nobody wants you! If you go you will be all alone! If you go don't ever come back!"
I know his dad is very good at manipulating him and making him feel guilty. It has crossed my mind that maybe his dad threatened to cut him out of his will if he leaves. Who knows? But, I could be dead wrong.
I'm just gonna play it by ear. If it gets to a point that I need to break it off, I'll break it off. For now...it is as it is.
The choice to be a 24/7 caregiver is a huge step over someone who has to be home nearly all the time but can still leave for a few hours. From what I read, he is not a 24/7 caregiver, but that is approaching.
That step into 24/7 caregiving is the one I refused to accept. Even if I had wanted to, due to my aunt's weight and medical problems, caring for her was a 3 man job at least. But ultimately, I would not throw away my life, my schooling, and my marriage to be a caregiver.
The majority here seem to think he has already proven he can't or won't make waiting4alife a priority. It sounds to me like he either is lost and doesn't know how to detach from the situation, or doesn't understand how much his father is controlling his relationship.
It doesn't sound at all like she is being dragged anywhere by anyone, it sounds like she is with someone she loves and she is trying to figure out how to take the next step.
Yes, she has to figure out if he is willing to make her a priority in her life. But that is really her determination to make, and I don't think criticizing her for her choice to keep trying is productive.
I can't speak for him, but when I finally saw, totally understood and accepted, how much I had been controlled, lied to, lied about, and manipulated, there was a lot of anger. Borderline rage I would say. Also humiliation. It was ugly to say the least. I felt like a total fool to being so blind to it over the years.
However, and this is the key, I WANTED TO SEE THE TRUTH. I was no longer willing to rationalize or deny what was happening to me. The willingness to face the truth, make a stand, and stop those old patterns is what it all boils down to. It's not easy. It's scary, sad, and super stressful.
Sorry if the back and forth in this thread has sort of derailed it. We are all here to support you, whatever your choice is.
I don't consider myself a trophy, by far, but I'm a damn good catch! : ) But, I have a hearing impairment that sometimes gets in the way of....well, everything.
We are not engaged, but he did make me a heart pendant with both of our birthstones in it. I believe he was marking his territory with that, haha!
I cannot understand why his parents did that to him, either. My greatest wish for my daughter is for her to be independent. Get an education, a career, a husband, have a family of her own.
I understand that StandingAlone is telling me what SHE would do. I respect that, but I am not her. If I didn't think he was worth it I wouldn't be willing to try as hard as I am. I see SO much potential in him. He already has a lot of great qualities. But he could be a lot more. He just needs to get away from his dad to 'blossom' so to say.
It sounds like if his dad got bad enough that he could have him put him into a 24 hour care facility, he would. As it is his dad totally refuses that, or assisted living, or having help brought into their home.
I think you are right on all accounts. He has not had the chance to prove he can make me a priority. His dad always gets in the way. He may be a little lost, he probably doesn't know how to remove himself from thesituation, and he also probably doesn't realize just how much his dad is controlling him. What you you have lived with and put up with becomes the norm for you. My marriage was anything but normal, but I didn't realize just how abnormal it was until I got out of it and looked back. I had lived it so long that it became normal for me. I think he realizes, deep down, what his parents did to him but he doesn't know how to un do it or get away from it. I think he feels stuck.
And no, he is not trying to drag me into anything. If anything I don't think he wants me around his dad too much because he is embarrassed by some of the things he says and does. I am in this relationship of my own free will. because i love him and think he deserves a chance and I think he is worth it. I believe the situation he is in mostly on his parents. Thanks, Ignorotic!
If you knew what I had to deal with in my marriage, you would understand why this man is so worth fighting for. He is so the opposite of my ex, and that is extremely fulfilling for me. I believe I finally have experienced real love with my BF. He is so sincere and genuine. I've never known such kindness, consideration, and thoughtfulness as I have with him.
Yeah. That's what a lot of women were raised to believe. That's why some of them are so miserable.
In my experience the very best relationships are on an EQUAL footing, not where one does most of the giving and one does most of the taking. The best relationships are when BOTH partners RESPECT each other's needs/wants/desires/limits/thoughts/feelings/etc, etc, etc, and BOTH compromise/negotiate/make concessions so BOTH are fulfilled and happy. When it's just ONE partner making all the concessions and doing all the compromising it's a disaster waiting to happen and will NOT work in the long run. I'm your age and have been around the block of few times and I know enough to know that much. And just because you have needs and wants doesn't make you a 'all about me' type either. . And really, your entire post was 'all about me'...and why the hell not? Are you a machine? Are you a robot? Why shouldn't it be about what YOU want as well as what your GUY wants?
"Anyway, I am the mothering type, so I don't mind putting others needs before my own, most of the time."
Most men that I've known don't want a mother, they want a hot lover. But maybe it's good you see yourself as this mothering type because with your current guy you're going to be doing a whole lot of it...until he realizes he wants a hot lover. God forbid some man EVER sees me as 'motherly'. Eeesh! You should think about that, Waiting. Personally, I wouldn't want to f*** a father figure, I'd rather have a Jason Momoa type in the sack, thanks. lol
I'm a person who nobody ever gave a chance to. If they had, they would've found out what great qualities I have. I think that is why I'm more willing to give people a chance than most. I realize that there's more to a person than what shows on the surface.
And he already knows I'm a hot lover!
Ok, no matter what I say I'm going to get shot down. So, I'm done. Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not going to dump him. I stopped caring about what other people think of me a long time ago. Like I said, I live to make me happy. I've lived too long making others happy who didn't appreciate me. My BF does appreciate me. He's a keeper! : )
Running from a man like, like you described in your own words, this isn't 'selfish', Waiting...it's called self preservation. Personally, I know a good thing when I see it...and when I don't. I've lived long enough to know to pay attention to my gut. Enough said.
If all is well, show your guy this site and your post. Let him read it. Let him know how you REALLY feel. Let him see the responses, too. And this guy is seeing you, yes, but where's the commitment? He can't commit because he already is. To daddy.
Push this guy, even a little, and see what happens. Express dissatisfaction with the status quo and see what his reaction is. You talk about 'true devotion'? To who? Fine. If time goes on and you realize that you just aren't feeling the warm fuzzies anymore and spend most of your time unhappy, give him a choice between you and daddy and see who he chooses. Then you'll really know all you need to.
Best of everything, Waiting! I mean that.
I'm not bitter. I'm a happy person who has lived a lot of life in my 63 years and have some decent understanding of human nature. And as I said in the very first answer to your post, I see a lot of red flags. I'm not saying you should dump your friend, I said you need to decide how much you're willing to put up with.
And as a caregiver to my mom and dad for the last 13 years, I am ANYTHING but selfish. I think 99.9% of the people on this board are the most UN-selfish people you'll ever meet, because we're devoting our time and care to loved ones, oftentimes in hellish situations. So don't say we're selfish. We. Are. NOT.
If he's worth waiting for in your opinion, then more power to you. It's your life and only you can make that determination.
As I follow this -- 117 posts at this point -- you started out by describing Daddy's Doormat.
Now you are describing Mr. Perfect.
I'm sitting here scratching my head in bewilderment.