How can I manage all of this mess without going crazy?

Hello,

Caregiving is indeed stressful, hopefully the information I am sharing can help! I am volunteering as a summer Intern in the Boston headquarters office of Road Scholar, a wonderful non-profit for older adults interested in lifelong learning and travel. I am working with the Impact Grant Committee to review and award financial assistance applications for Road Scholar’s educational travel programs, including a new grant just for Caregivers. The grant will help you offset the cost of substitute respite care to attend a Road Scholar program and experience learning adventures that can provide a much-needed rest from the emotional and physical demands of your caregiver service. While volunteering here at Road Scholar, I’ve learned about the healthy benefits of lifelong learning and the camaraderie of group educational travel. I think these health benefits are especially important to caregivers so I’m helping get the word out about this unique respite opportunity. You can find more information and apply here: to http://pdf.roadscholar.org/educational-travel/scholarship/rs_grantapplication_caregiver_feb15_final.pdf If you send in an application before the end of the summer, I’ll probably be reviewing it so I wish you the best!  -Shoshana

Yep hands up guilty as charged AGAIN JessieBelle but it still doesnt alter my stand on this - if anything it makes it worse. Gospel girl you are being dumped on and now I know the background - sorry I didnt before - it's shocking that social services allow this to happen. All I can think of is that noone knows what is happening.

Lets get one thing straight your Aunt is not appreciative and however much you THINK you owe her - you actually dont. One of the primary rights as I understand it is freedom and you are not free at the moment. It is not right or fair (and I dont care if your Aunt thinks differently) that you should have been forced into a position where you felt you had to give up a job you loved to care for another. That is bullying and the fact that you yourself are not 100% fit makes that even worse. YOU CANNOT do it all hun you just can't you will drive yourself insane.

They might be the most kind and loving people that ever walked gods earth but they aren't considering your welfare in all of this and they must call a meeting and get it sorted hun sooner than later

Knowing gospelgirl's situation does make a difference. We have so many new posters come in each month that it is hard to remember each one. Her post is at https://www.agingcare.com/questions/be-my-best-to-everyone-and-still-feel-good-about-myself-180149.htm

gospelgirl, if we could go back in time I would say Don't quit your job! But I know we are beyond that point now and you do receive disability. I am actually glad that your cousin is there to help, since she is able to drive. That makes everything easier. I could kick your aunt's butt, though, for working at your self esteem like she does. I've found that when people tear others down, it is because they themselves are insecure. They aren't fun to be around.

From what I see your family is lucky to have you. Reading your history, I imagine you feel that you have a debt to your family. But reading what you are doing for them, I know they are lucky. It looks like the only thing you're not doing is driving. If your aunt isn't happy with that, then she isn't going to be happy with anything. I would let her words roll off the best I could and walk away when you need to. It is what I do when my mother starts yelling.

Correction - that should have been Jude's observations, not Judge's, although she clearly has the insight to judge the situation accurately.

And if aunty isn't ready to go to a nursing home, she needs to change her attitude.

I loved Jude's comparison to Cinderella - that's exactly how this situation sounds except the players are of different family connection - aunt, drop-off Cinderella, lazy 11 year old.

I think this post may also be taken as Cwillie's, Kimber and Judge's observations, but they hit the nail right on the head and said what needs to be said.

As I read your post, I had the sense that you're essentially the person in the middle being put upon, criticized and/or expected to wait on everyone. That you also seem to feel this way and are frustrated because of the demands made on you and apparently by the lack of respect and appreciation suggests to me that this is an accurate assessment.

I don't understand what the living situation is or how it came to be that way, but even if you are at a disadvantage and need to live there, there doesn't vitiate the need for balance and respect. And it doesn't mean that you need to be the family doormat.

Apparently it's not going to happen without standing up for your rights and making some changes. That may be difficult for you to do, but it's the only way to restructure the responsibility levels. Otherwise, you're headed for some emotional and physical health issues, very quickly, although I think you're already there.

Whether it's a family meeting, reallocation of responsibilities or some other option, these people that you're taking care of need to develop some responsibility of their own.

Just think about these statements for a bit:

"... but the 11-year old is spending the night and I have to wake him up for school. After a while, I got Aunty ready for bed, ironed the 11-year old's school uniform and ran his bath, then cleaned up after him when he was done."

An 11 year old boy can't get up on his/her own? If not, then get an alarm clock If he misses school, then he has learned an important lesson.

I also don't understand why this boy can't run his own bath? And why would you clean up after him? Restructure the situation so that he knows how to run a bath and clean up after himself, as well as understand that he eats what the rest of the family eats.

It seems also that there are relatives involved in picking up and dropping off, including the person named as having a (D)POA. What can they do to help balance the situation?

I sense also there are some innate feelings of female responsibility that might be holding you back. Every individual in any family needs to learn to care for himself and herself - that's part of growing up. The mother of the lazy, spoiled 11 year old is at fault too for allowing this to happen.

I think Jude has a good suggestion in listing everything you do.

You are being manipulated by the family.

If the situation doesn't change, think about contacting a woman's shelter and move out - leave the manipulators to fend for themselves.

I meant to share with you a copy of my daily log - I will just do 12 hours so you can see what I mean - You do so much more than you actually think

05:30 06:00 Toiletted changed pad bowel normal washed and creamed assisted back to bed 25 mins
06:00 06:30 checked mum was sleeping - needed a drink 10 minutes
06:30 07:00 Ordered some clothes on line that Mum wanted
07:00 07:30 Had a shower myself and got dressed
07:30 08:00 Got clothes out ready for the day and prepared shower room for showering
08:00 08:30 Meal Preparation Medication Pain relief Pain relief gel Beverage
08:30 09:00 Chat Bathing Shower Dressing
09:00 09:30 Chat Bathing Shower Dressing
09:30 10:00 Laundry 30 mins
10:00 10:30 Cleaned commode and sanitary ware replaced towels cleaned bathroom windows and shower screen 30 mins
10:30 11:00Toiletted changed pad beverage 15 minutes
11:00 11:30 Found right tv station for mum chatted about which she wanted for about15 mins
11:30 12:00 Toiletted changed pad juice 15 minutes
12:00 12:30 Meal Preparation Medication Pain relief Pain relief gel Beverage refused food wanted something else
12:30 13:00 Meal Preparation
13:00 13:30 Washing up breakfast and lunch things
13:30 14:00 Cleaned tidied kitchen put washing out to dry
14:00 14:30 Toiletted changed pad beverage 15 minutes
14:30 15:00 Filed Mums papers and recorded them
15:00 15:30 Rang doctors and hospital and bank
15:30 16:00 Social worker called on phone for 15 minutes re using carers in house - mum wont allow them
16:00 16:30 driving to meeting with Psych
16:30 17:00 meeting with Psych
17:00 17:30 driving home from meeting with Psych

Have to agree with everyone although I can't do it myself! that said there are limits even to my tolerance. You need to call a family meeting BUT before that you need to log all you do and I mean everything - yes it may drain your last bit of energy but it was the only way I could PROVE to a professional that I needed help in the form of respite care and I needed it immediately.

6:45 am: Woke up 11-year-old cousin for school.
10 am: Woke up and got Aunty ready
11:30 visit by the home health nurse
12:30 visit by the physical therapist (who came just for an initial evaluation).

Now I dont have a camera in your house honest but I bet you did much more than that and yuou havent logged the duration - so did you just shout your cousin's name and then that was it?

Clearly Aunty is not that mentally competent I'll explain why later and what does getting ready entail? washing/ showering/ toiletting/ massaging creams in/ giving medication and making sure she takes it? dressing her? finding her clothes?

It doesn't matter what your aunty thinks she needs if the OT thinks she needs therapy then she needs therapy - that she wont accept help is another matter - once you stop doing the things she would be able to do after she had therapy she might see the value of it - use it or lose it is a common phrase emerging from my lips and I am quite harsh about it - I dont shout but I am very very formal when I say it

After that, she complained because I misplaced some important paperwork of hers

This is not your fault - if she was competent she would have filed it away she didnt her fault. Put the blame back to her use something like - why didnt you file it away if it was important? or You say you are competent but you are losing track of things. If she shouts at you walk away you are never to allow her to abuse you and yes it does work both ways - even if it isnt deliberate it is still abuse

Later, when POA cousin came to pick up her son (whom we watch after school), we went out to get take-out for everyone's dinner. Who is this we watch after school dont you mean you watch? how long fo?r what does it involve? how does it impact on caring for aunty?

Back home, I realized that I forgot to get 11-year-old's food (he wanted something from a different store) - Tough he has what you have or he goes hungry not your job to be running around after him - let him sulk - he will learn

So Aunty complained about my forgetfulness. This led to another discussion of how I lost a piece of her jewelry while she was in the hospital.
Her fault she should keep it in a locked box then it wouldnt get lost

When cousin POA went out, I had to watch the 16-month old. Erm hello reality check Cinderella there is no glass slipper and no prince charming tell her no

She returned, then we ate.She stayed for another hour or two and left, but the 11-year old is spending the night and I have to wake him up for school. NO NO NO NO NO tell her you simply cannot be looking after his every excruciating need and your aunty as well you are burning out

After a while, I got Aunty ready for bed, and how long did that take~?

ironed the 11-year old's school uniform and ran his bath, then cleaned up after him when he was done. This is not a child this is a brat - my 4 year old grandson cleans up the bathroom ok he cant iron and he cant run his bath but the child is 11 for heaven's sake MAKE HIM DO IT as for the clothes tell your cousin POA you are not ironing clothes for him and if you DO decide to yes to looking after said brat then he must come with the right clothes, pressed and ready for him to wear

So now you can see that you havent mentioned getting lunch dinner tea drinks, cleaning laundry, bed making, washing up tidying keeping paper filed away (if Aunty is incapable)

This simply isnt on record everything have a meeting and tell them you have to help or I WILL walk away not because I want to but because I cannot keep doing this amount of work without a break - in the end I will be ill and then there will be NOONE .

Go for it gal you can do this - you might feel sick in the stomach with the number of butterflies you will have in there but you HAVE to do it for your own sanity

I am ambivalent about posting this as I am not sure it will be taken in the loving way it is meant, but you need to grow a backbone! You somehow have been conditioned by your family into believing that you owe them something. You make it possible for your Aunty to reject professional care because you are willing to step in and fill that role. She and her granddaughter POA won't accept reality because they don't have to. They don't care if you are up to the task, either physically or mentally, because they don't seem to value your needs or opinions at all. If you look after your own needs first they will have to make other plans, if you continue as you are they never will, and you will grow old being the unappreciated family caregiver. Eventually Aunty will die or she decline will enough that she must accept nursing home care, what will happen to you then?

Gospelgirl223 - no one is forcing you to care for your aunt. Why not move out? Decide what you are willing to continue to do for your aunt and do that to help her, but decide not to be the family door mat.

cwillie. ..I wish I could move out. ..that's not an option at this point. No one else to care for her. She says she's not ready to go in a NH yet as she's still mentally competent.

It is easy to be forgetful. We have so many little things to remember. I mean, we go through the day doing one more thing after another. Nothing is really big. It is just that there is always one more thing to do. I have a hard time remembering all the little things. If I go to the grocery store without a list, I know I'll forget the main things I went to get. Even when I have a list, I'll come home and my mother will tell me we're out of something. She get mad at me for not noticing that something she uses was gone. It doesn't matter that I have no way of knowing unless she tells me. I'm supposed to check, I guess. Of course, it is something she has to have, so I have to make another trip to the store. It is just another of those "one more things."

You stated that you have lived with Aunty previously, has her behavior changed significantly? It sounds as though the entire family feels you owe them, right down to the 11 year old expecting you to run around finding him a special lunch. I think it is bizarre that he seemingly spends more time with you than with his own parents, but lovely for them of course, as they don't have to schlep him off to school themselves every day and attend to his needs.
Aunty is perhaps more critical because she feels less in control than in the past, and she could be experiencing some cognitive decline also. You will need to learn how to cope with the negativity and accusations as I doubt anything will change unless you find the courage to stand on your own and move out.