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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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About a year ago my mother bought my grandmothers home, because she reached out to us saying she could no longer maintain it at her age. We have not been allowed to really use any of our stuff and she gets upset we are trying to update and repair things. She has major attachment issues to items and will throw a tantrum and scream at us saying she’s not dead yet. We discussed to her we need to replace the kitchen appliances due to them crackling and not working like they should. She will say there isn’t anything wrong with them even though they are over 60 years old. She will accuse us for getting rid of her stuff or throwing her stuff away. When she was the one that sold it. She’s showing signs of dementia, hearing loss, and verbal abuse. She accuses us of wanting to beat her or fussing at her, which we would NEVER. She will watch us and question us when we are going to do something. She tells us it’s not apart of the agreement for us to change or paint anything. She tells us it’s her house and her stuff. We wait on her hand and foot cooking her meals, getting her drinks, and washing her stuff. She refuses to shower till over a week later and won’t change her clothes for days. We are living in boxes still and not able to do anything. We are not allowed to use the paper towels even though we bought them she said we are wasteful and shouldn’t be using them all up. She will take food out of the fridge and hide it in her underwear drawer like we don’t know it’s missing. It’s exhausting when she tries to make “tasks” and “chores” for us to do as soon as we get off work or as soon as we wake up. She will comment on our appearance and weights and compare us to her being a size 0 after having three kids. She never worked, my grandfather (deceased) took care of her all her life. All she does is shut herself in her room lounging in a recliner watching tv. She accuses us of yelling and fussing at her when we ask a question and tells us this isn’t going to work out, like she’s going to kick us out but she cant. She has let her cats that live in her room pee on the floors and tear up things. We have tried to work with her to replace the carpet due to it falling apart and smelling like strong ammonia. She refuses to replace it even though it’s the original carpet in the house. Today I was accused of messing up her things because I used a bathroom hand towel underneath my puppies water bowl in the kitchen so any splashed out water would fall on that so she wouldn’t slip, I washed it after using it for less than five minutes. She refuses to use the walkers and physical therapy stuff she was gotten from the dr. She’s 86 years old but it’s really exhausting to constantly be verbally abused and mean to by her. We are trying our best but we don’t know where to turn to get help.
Hi Kelsey, I'm kind of afraid to tell you that your mom made an unwise decision. Once grandma told her she could no longer maintain the home in which she was living, your mother's response should have been for grandma to sell her home to someone else and downsize, be it a move to a smaller home or apartment or assisted living.
Where were you living before your mom decided to move you into grandma's house? And it seems that it will always be grandma's house, regardless of whose name is on the deed...
How old are you?
Right now, YOUR focus should be on an honest discussion with your mom, not on how to "help" grandma. What plan does your mom have in place for dealing with grandma as she becomes more and more dependent, as well as more and more difficult to live with? IS there a plan? You need to get mom out of the house, out of earshot of grandma and ASK mom, "what are we going to do when this situation, not only doesn't get better, but actually gets worse?" This is a legitimate question and one that mom should be giving some serious thought to. At the very least, Mom should be thinking seriously about meeting with an elder attorney about this situation to get an idea of what her - and grandma's - options are.
Now, as far as you're concerned - and this is going to sound harsh - mom's bad decision is NOT something you need to live with indefinitely, if you have the means and the ability to leave the home. If mom is not willing to leave, are you willing to do so on your own, should it come down to it? How do you think your mom would react if you were to tell her that you don't want to live like this anymore, and what is mom willing to do to make it so you aren't subjected to this anymore? If you are not yet of legal age, your mom's first focus should be on YOUR health and well-being, not her mom's.
This is a problem that is bigger than you to solve; quite frankly, it's bigger than your mom to solve as well; but if she chooses to go down this rabbit hole, you are not morally obligated to take the trip with her.
Everything you mention about your Grandmother's behavior matches dementia. So, it's no surprise that all the sudden changes are extremely hard for her to cope with -- it would be difficult for an elder who wasn't cognitively compromised, and all the more when one is.
Are you in the US? If so, contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies for any in-home services.
Is anyone her PoA? If so, this person needs to read their document and see what triggers the PoA authority. It may be an official medical diagnosis of sufficient incapacity. Then the PoA can start making decisions about a more sustainable care arrangement, medication for her agitation, maybe even facility placement or in-home aids.
If she doesn't have a PoA and refuses to assign someone, then you may need to move out and call in APS. As long as someone is living in the house with her it will be much more difficult to bring about a sustainable care solution for her.
Peggy Sue, she says her Mom bought the house, so it should not go into any "inheritence" with other family members. I don't think the OP is worried about inheritance, but more the living conditions. I would consider calling her Dr and asking his opinion of her health. Does anyone have a POA?
While she's shut in her room lounging in her recliner watching TV, unpack your stuff and do the repairs and upgrades you want and just ignore her complaints. Use the paper towels. Just go about your lives and ignore the tantrums. She doesn't own you or your mother, and she doesn't own the house anymore either. Stop being intimidated by her. Maybe she'll get tired of shouting and go back to her room.
Has your grandmother always been this nasty and obnoxious, or is this a personality change as she's gotten older? If she's always been this way, she's not going to change and it was probably a mistake by your mother to buy the house and move in with her. If this is a major personality change, then she should be evaluation for cognitive issues -- but will she be cooperative with that?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I'm kind of afraid to tell you that your mom made an unwise decision. Once grandma told her she could no longer maintain the home in which she was living, your mother's response should have been for grandma to sell her home to someone else and downsize, be it a move to a smaller home or apartment or assisted living.
Where were you living before your mom decided to move you into grandma's house? And it seems that it will always be grandma's house, regardless of whose name is on the deed...
How old are you?
Right now, YOUR focus should be on an honest discussion with your mom, not on how to "help" grandma. What plan does your mom have in place for dealing with grandma as she becomes more and more dependent, as well as more and more difficult to live with? IS there a plan? You need to get mom out of the house, out of earshot of grandma and ASK mom, "what are we going to do when this situation, not only doesn't get better, but actually gets worse?" This is a legitimate question and one that mom should be giving some serious thought to. At the very least, Mom should be thinking seriously about meeting with an elder attorney about this situation to get an idea of what her - and grandma's - options are.
Now, as far as you're concerned - and this is going to sound harsh - mom's bad decision is NOT something you need to live with indefinitely, if you have the means and the ability to leave the home. If mom is not willing to leave, are you willing to do so on your own, should it come down to it? How do you think your mom would react if you were to tell her that you don't want to live like this anymore, and what is mom willing to do to make it so you aren't subjected to this anymore? If you are not yet of legal age, your mom's first focus should be on YOUR health and well-being, not her mom's.
This is a problem that is bigger than you to solve; quite frankly, it's bigger than your mom to solve as well; but if she chooses to go down this rabbit hole, you are not morally obligated to take the trip with her.
Are you in the US? If so, contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies for any in-home services.
Is anyone her PoA? If so, this person needs to read their document and see what triggers the PoA authority. It may be an official medical diagnosis of sufficient incapacity. Then the PoA can start making decisions about a more sustainable care arrangement, medication for her agitation, maybe even facility placement or in-home aids.
If she doesn't have a PoA and refuses to assign someone, then you may need to move out and call in APS. As long as someone is living in the house with her it will be much more difficult to bring about a sustainable care solution for her.
Has your grandmother always been this nasty and obnoxious, or is this a personality change as she's gotten older? If she's always been this way, she's not going to change and it was probably a mistake by your mother to buy the house and move in with her. If this is a major personality change, then she should be evaluation for cognitive issues -- but will she be cooperative with that?