How do I get myself to mentally accept my Mom living with me?

Hi Rainmom. Sorry we are in this discussion thread together, and amongst many other caregiving friends. At least we have this blog and each other. To be fair, I love my mom, I'm not sure she realizes how this dynamic has affected my husband and me. I'm in the ER with my hubby who is experiencing chest pains. We haven't been able to spend quality time together. Which I believe is vital to married health and happiness. It may not be fair to point a finger at her causing our current circumstances but having additional ongoing, never ending, elder care issues sure doesn't help! Hubby has to stay in the hospital overnight, while Mom is going to play cards tonight, fortunately the other players are driving her. Your idea to journal what it takes to be a caregiver is a good one. Keep your chin up and write to us often as well. Hugs

So true about the Orientals taking care of family members. We have Chinese friends and they often live 3 or 4 generations in a home. Of course, this particular family is well off financially.
I monitored SSI hearings for some years and I never saw a Chinese and maybe one Japanese claimant. I worked off site with judges from the Bay Area that has a high Oriental population and they said they seldom saw any in SSI hearings. Yes, they do take care of their own but that is the old custom.

This is a little late in response but I wanted to comment on something KatManZu said: "I don't have children. I would never do this to them." I clearly remember when my mom was dealing with getting HER mom out of her house and into a NH. Grandma was being extremely difficult and stubborn. My mom said to me at the time "if I ever become like that, tell me." So a while back I tried to remind her of that - mom said "I never said that!" (Sigh). I've been thinking lately of writing myself a letter regarding what I have been going through with my mom - and my pledge to never do it to anyone who is trying to help me. I would have the person trying to help give me the letter when I get difficult - they would need to take it back after reading a present it to me as the need dictated. My hope would be that even if I couldn't remember the hell my mom put me through, even if I don't think I'm being difficult, even if I don't remember writing the letter or pledging to not become my mom - I will recognize my own handwriting and do my best to be more agreeable and trust that whomever is acting in my best interest.

not everyone can afford to stay home and take care of aging parents, etc. some countries their families all live together where our country has expanded out and everyone is not tightly knitted like it was in the 1800's. I can tell you right now there would be no way my mother could take care of my dad. he needs a special lift to get up to be taken out to dining area to eat, and that takes 2 people to use that lift. (mandatory), then there is the bathing, my mother has arthritis in her back, there is no way she could bath my father nor change him in his adult underwear. so for some they have no choice. but I am glad there are some that can.

The Orientals take care of their aging parents, why are we so different?

Who is saying Mom HAS to live with you? Consider a NH or an AL!

Hi B1digit really good question. The trouble is with any change there is always a period of transition which in our situations can be really really stressful and may, realistically, never calm completely or to even an acceptable degree.

Usually with change you have to unlock the situation make changes and then lock the situation back up but you can't do that so easily in care. Im sorry I totally disagree with any notion that it is the right thing to do or that it is a duty that can be placed upon or forced upon you. It isn't.

Of course we only meet people on here after they had their bowl of stupid and said yes I can do this. It's often too late then and they can find themselves in a position where they themselves have become financially strapped because of the care they have GIVEN not been paid for note.

I get so cross when people say that family members shouldn't be paid for the work they do. Not true, especially if they have given up their careers to care. It must be lovely if their is a family where there is financial support from a spouse or partner. It would be lovely not to have huge regrets about giving up work and losing any pension rights or having them significantly depleted. It is great if you actually love your mum totally.

Sadly we don't all feel that way AND WE HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO. My mother is 93 I am 62 (although for some reason I keep thinking I am 63!) I have been caring for Mum for 5 years and I know I am not through the transition yet. There are days still when I just want to walk away (preferably into the nearest lake with concrete boots on). There are days when her sharp criticism is constant and I do walk out the door muttering under my breath obscenities that would make people's hair curl.

You need to have some sort of plan and contingency plan in place and arrange for some sort of payment for you. If siblings can't DO then they could contribute. You must have your own space - I have a room Mum knows not to come in to (although her mobility is lessening every day so this is becoming less of an issue). If I didn't have my own space I would be murderous. I don't like people very much (in the flesh) and being virtual on here suits me fine.

Make a decision that works for you not for your Mum - she won't be here for ever and you will have to live with whatever decision you make so think carefully but think consider and read. Look at advice but don't let anyone force you into a decision until YOU are ready to make it. xxx

Jeanette - I wish that, too!

I wish the original poster would come back and comment on all the awesome advice that was given.

There are many pat opinions about taking care of a parent in old age or bad health. Seems everyone has an opinion and will share it with or without encouragement. "They took care of you," "It is the right thing to do," "It's biblical," etc. are just a few. What it boils down to is that yes, it is self-sacrifice. Yes, it is giving up all your wants and many needs. And, yes, all three of the above are correct to tell the truth. The bottom line is whether or not you want to do it, whether or not they deserve it based on their past or current behavior, none of us deserve for someone to give up their life for us. We all are difficult to live with and care for. And Christ, who did nothing wrong at all gave up His life for us. "For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Matthew 16:25 ESV
He gave the ultimate sacrifice for me and in sacrificing myself for whatever He asks of me I find a paradox-freedom.
I'm there. I didn't choose it to turn out this way. I crave time to myself and my own pursuits. But, I have found that in being willing to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, in all my ways acknowledge Him, He will direct my path." Proverbs 3:5-6 And, even if it wasn't the path I would have chosen, if I let Him use it in my life without my own agenda, I am changed-transformed even and fulfilled. Tired, grumpy sometimes, disappointed many times over what I'm missing or even being able to plan anything ahead of time, but definitely fulfilled.

I'm in the same situation, my sister lives far away, do not let them use that as an excuse. My sister refuses to help. If your mom is retired she can go between the 3 homes giving everyone a break and believe me you will need that break. I have had mom for 3 years now, very small house. she arrived one year before I was married. so now there are 4 of us living in a house that I use to live in by myself, I don't think I could put a toothpick in the house without it blowing up at this point. If I go to the Kitchen she goes to the Kitchen follows me everywhere. I spend most of my time depressed and most don't understand. I love my mom dearly but WOW this is one of the hardest things I have done.

This is definitely a difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you, b1digit. But I also agree with wolflover451 that assisted living isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility if your mother's assets and income are nil. My mother (92) was admitted to AL last August after I took care of the paperwork to get her onto Adult Medicaid and with her $793 per month SS income, she was eligible at a very nice (and closely located to me, a bonus) AL facility that accepts Medicaid patients. There was a waiting list of about 9 months for a shared room but we had conserved 1/2 of the proceeds of the small condo she lived in previously in Florida when that was sold, and that is in my name, again not touched for just such an eventuality. So we subsidize the AL for a small efficiency for mom and, as such, she was essentially considered a private pay and some of these rooms were available almost immediately. It's been 3 months and the process of her acclimation is ongoing but she is surrounded by others her age and is starting to make some acquaintences, if not yet "friends" to play cards with, share meals, etc. I urge you to consider this before putting your life entirely on hold and, possibly even worse, feel you've lost everything you were looking forward to. Hugs and good luck!!

Good morning digit...I had the same feelings as you do when my mom had to move in with me. I became so depressed as the days got closer to her moving in with me. She too was able to move around with a walker but the doctors told me that her conditions will not get better only worse over time. When she moved in my brother helped by taking her to his house every second weekend. Well that only happened for about 8 months then it stopped completely. I was only 44 at the time and single as my husband had passed away a few years before. let me tell you know your situation will not improve when she moves in. She will depend on you for everything maybe not at first but once she gets settled away. I had no life. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. She played guilt trips on me constantly. I worked full time. I had to be up early to give her breakfast and if I had anything to do that day had to be home to give her lunch then again suppers. Late at night I would have to get up because she had fallen, this happened a few times and finally I had tell her mom I can't do this anymore. We had countless fights over the 2 years she was with me. She went into a nursing home this past June and both of us couldn't be happier. I'm happy to see her now. When she lived with me I hated to come home after work and would have to take a deep breath before walking in the door. I felt like I was going to die before her. I had anxiety which I have never had before. Listen to all the advice you've been given here and think long and hard before you have her move in with you. Your life will not get any better it will be like have a child over again even though its not the same as your own child. You will be a prisoner in your own home. I wish I had to come on here before I made the decision to move mom in with me. Take care and all the best.

I went back to your first post. You mentioned 'my mom did not raise me'. So, does that mean you were adopted into another family, or that she just neglected you and didn't participate in your growing up? I think those circumstances ought to be considered for several reasons. One, if you have adopted parents, they ARE your parents. They are the ones, if any, you owe the debt of having parented you to, and they some day also may need your assistance. So now you take on someone to help who you may be trying to resolve some unmet need with. If this is in any way that complicated, I would certainly talk to a professional counselor to sort out what might be your own confusion and guilt about this decision. Secondly, it also puts potentially three people on the 'table' for you to care for and you have a life of your own. One day, if you don't resolve things emotionally in your mind, you may wake up with so many people and so many financial, physical and emotional responsibilities to handle and not young yourself, it could decimate your own quality of life and retirement. Your comments about keeping things peaceful and happy are based on you pushing down your own feelings about all of this and 'faking' it. Internally you seem to be screaming NO. While your mother may not want to go into a Medicaid funded facility that may be the best choice. If she has not saved anything towards her care, that is not your moral responsibility (to pick up where she dropped things). If, at 55, you are totally financially 'set' and no longer need to work, if you can afford help so you are not a drudge to your mother and may grow to resent her, and if your health is perfect...even then, I would NOT move her in with you! At 55 you are in a precariously short sweet spot of your life. You indicate you are looking forward to living alone. I would bet everything has not been easy for you and I bet you have worked hard all your life. I will share that I was what I would consider really pretty healthy most of my life. Even though I had a bad back that nagged at me, migraines that persisted, and difficulties getting to sleep, and my joints ached, which I attributed it to 'just getting the old inherited OA', I had a health crisis seven years ago which forced me to get an MRI, which led to a second one, and to be told I had such advanced degeneration in my spine I was a poor candidate for reparative back surgery, would have a failed pain outcome and due to the instability of it, which could easily result in my being paralyzed if I were to have a hard fall or a rear end collision, I had to quit work. I had pushed down so many feelings physical and emotional that I barely KNEW how I felt. I had to face that I am not superwoman. It was long in coming but felt like it occurred 'overnight' and it was very disorienting and depressing. I am fortunate that my husband is supportive and makes a good income and together we planned for retirement, but not working until 62 was not in my game plan. Had I been on my own, my very existence from a quality of life standpoint would have been greatly impaired, because my 'plan' was to work those ten years that I couldn't. I since have been diagnosed with several other impairing health problems, one being rheumatoid arthritis. Every day is a new adventure in pain and what body part is going to slow or shut me down. I did NOT see this coming ten years ago, when initially my thought was 'whatever is going on with me, I'll get it fixed'. You can't always do that. Recently my husband had a total knee replacement and he needed me full time, night and day, while he recovered. I could not believe how difficult it was to care for him night and day for so long. I know I am not physically up to that anymore on a full time, long term basis. Take care of yourself. Make sure you are ready for your retirement and last years too because you CAN find something for your mom, even if she doesn't 'like' it, that will work and you can make yourself a very good visitor, listener, snack bringer, laundry doer, and hand holder. You matter too.

Do NOT let your mother move in with you. Despite grave misgivings, I let my mother move in with me and I experienced the worst 5 years of my life. Thank the Lord, she's now in an independent-living-senior facility. "A Place for Mom" is a free service and they helped me find somewhere for Mom and gave me good advice on how to pay for it. For instance, if your father was a veteran, your mother might be eligible for VA assistance -- something I would never have known if it weren't for "A Place for Mom." Another good resource is the Office of Senior Services in your county. The county I live in even has free caregiver counseling, which I took advantage of because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when my mother lived with me. So, I wish you good luck and may God bless you.

Rainmom, liked your response. I think you have enough on your plate. A special needs child is enough. I think its great that some of the posters have taken in a parent and have been able to deal with it all. Not everyone can. I have always been there for my parents. I have worked and raised two girls and helped with two grandsons. I feel I have a close bond with my GSs because I was able to be their caretaker from infancy. At times I gave up something I would have liked to do for them because "my time will come". Retirement comes and asked to watch Gson parttime became fulltime. Thats OK, he was going to daycare at 2. Just before that, Mom can't live alone and its just me. I'm so afraid that when I finally get " my time" one or both of us will start having health problems. (Husband has has Afib problems) Again remember, this woman was not raised by her mother. She already walks on eggs to keep the peace. You think its going to be better moving her in.

I came so close to bringing my mom home and then I had an accident. I realize now there is no way I could have taken care of her and I was just doing it out of guilt. Please seek out an Elder Attorney just so you can look at your options for getting your mother on Medicaid. Even if you take her home for awhile, it would be good for you to know what your options are in the future. Get POA for medical and financial, two separate forms. Bless you.

b1digit--have any of these responses helped? Have you decided how you are going to proceed? You have received amazing suggestions but you ultimately make the choice. Please let us know.

This topic is certainly a lively one! Part of the issue that is so personal to some of us is that our mothers (usually stated mother vs fathers) are expecting us to treat them better than they treat(ed) us and even their own parents. My 2 brothers and I have so much damage from childhood it's amazing we can function at times. Saying "move on, forgive, get over it" is way easier said than done for some of us. One brother pretty much stopped having anything to do with my parents years ago. I was daddy's liitle girl and was able to form a wonderful relationship with him when I was in my 20's. My other brother was able to forgive my mom but not my dad. So we all lug this baggage with us as we deal with our ailing parents. I do everything for my mom now when it comes to anything except the physical aspect of care. I've had 3 back surgeries and just can't do it. I also have my severely disabled adult son at home. I don't resent taking care of him - he is sweet and loving and he is my responsibility. She is not - not any of it. Last week she told me she wished I was never born yet today I went over on an unplanned visit dispite having a ton of stuff I needed to do for my family. I went to take her freakin' nail clippers because she was demanding them. I am now - after 5 years of this finally realizing I have to draw a line. It's my line to draw -just as you all have to determine where your line should be

After reading the rest of the answers and re-reading your question, I also want to state that I don't want my father to feel like a burden. He always asks what he can do to help and I try to find ways he can contribute, even if I think I can do it better/faster. We all need to feel useful. If you can help your mother develop a social life, she will not have to depend on you so much for everything.

I think the author of this question is very compassionate. More than most of the rest of us. We will all find ourselves in this situation someday, unable to care for ourselves and grasping like people drowning for someone who cares enough to make sure we are safe and secure. We also set an example for our children.

Wow - CarlaCB you managed to sum up almost my exact situation. Except my given orders are rarely "politely phrased". Down to the fact my brothers have not adjusted their lives one bit - vacations and all. I tried to go to the beach -2 hours away - for 3 days recently to recharge and all and even though they knew in advance I was going - I was continually called by them, her, where she was staying, non stop.
To the original post - think this through before you commit. She will most likely only get worst and are you prepared for the medical challenges that are surely going to come up? Is your mom thinking clearly? A year ago my mom would have never suggested such a thing but since her worsening dementia she keeps bringing it up.

I'm felling you, my prayer's are with you. I am presently living with my mom I had to move into her house, the house I grew up in. I never had a good relationship with my mother most of my life and I'm trying to do the best I can. However it is the hardest thing I ever did. When I got divorced back in 1996, I moved back to my home town and into my own apt. and lived peacefully for 14 years as a single women. I loved it, I try to think of those times now. My children are also grown and gone. I do not have a life but I signed up for this. I have a sister who lives right around the corner and she admits she can't do it she has totally disconnected from my mother. Try to continue to have a life, if you go to church or have some type of spiritual reload station use it. My mother is also 84 years old and was diagnosed in March 2015 with dementia/alzheimer, I've been here with her now for 5 years and in need of a vacation. Be prepared for sacrifice and hopefully you and your mother will be able to have a loving relationship, at least your mother likes you, I've been cussed out so much in the last couple months. It is hard but I feel it is the right thing to do, I'm trying to get into heaven and trying to help her. My love and prayers are with you; you will be blessed for doing the right thing. Peace out RoseofSharon.

Well, nolagal, it's hard to put much stock in the opinion of someone who doesn't know me at all and who is operating from a totally different value system than I am. But in terms of running away from responsibility, I will say that I don't recognize any personal responsibility to anyone I didn't marry, adopt, or give birth to. If I should actually run away, I will be running from an unwanted burden, not a responsibility.

In relating the story the woman who told her mother "Mom, this is my life." I didn't mean to suggest that caregivers who resent what they're giving up are self-centered, or even that some caregivers are more self-centered than others. What I meant to convey is that for some people, caring for a parent actually is their highest calling. It is a labor of love. For other people, not so much. Or not at all.

I believe that all people should have the freedom to pursue their own callings and devote their labors to whatever it is they love.

The OP may well have an attachment to her mother, as you suggest. I suggest that any attachment is much more likely to survive if she isn't required to sacrifice her own needs and desires to take care of her.

Does your mother want to live in her home? If so, then you might consider applying for Medicaid Long Term Care. If she has $2000 or less (house and car not included) she can qualify. She could stay in her home and get a home health care provider to visit her (paid by Medicaid). She could also get Meals on Wheels (delivers food once a day for free). Medicaid has other benefits, too...day care, where she could go to watch movies, play games, socialize, etc., and other benefits based on her needs.

My mother thinks I should drop my entire life and move in with her. But she doesn't even know when her own mother died! I asked for dates for my grandparents as I might do some genealogy and she claims she doesn't know birth dates or death dates for either parent. She did grow up with them.

What she claims she expects of me she never did herself. I resent these constant double standards and besides, she has no idea of the difficulties involved in caregiving because she never did it herself! I have also noticed that when her friends get sick, she is gone. She doesn't have a scrap of guilt about any of this. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I did become her live in caregiver, she would think I was a weakling and use that to justify bad treatment. I notice she is constantly dredging up my choices from the remote past and using them to justify obnoxious treatment of me now. I didn't want to be a teacher forty years ago, she now claims she wanted me to be a teacher, and this is why I now have financial problems. My dad was the one who had some interest in me becoming a teacher because his mother was one. I can't remember my mother saying a word about it.

I agree with so many comments above that tell you not to do this. One person made the remark that by not being honest with her in order to maintain the peace basically, is a 'good' relationship based on dishonesty. I thought that was an excellent point. Find your mom another place to live besides with you. Every fiber in your being seems to be saying don't do this. Listen to your gut. Whether you mom is upset or not, you can be a better caretaker for her if you don't subject yourself to this situation. Just my two cents. Agree as well that with a spouse, you take vows. You expect to take care of each other. Very different situation. That also puts things into perspective. Wish you both well and hoping you will find resolution that will leave your mother safe and you sane!

I'll say one thing here: If my mother had to move in with me, I'd swallow a bottle of pills and end my life, period. I'd rather be dead than forced to live with her again. Fuggedabout 'doing the right thing' and all that guilt tripping nonsense we've had forced down our throats since childhood. Some people CANNOT behave themselves properly and should NEVER be invited to live in your home. You can't make blanket statements about 'right' and 'wrong' and what children 'should' or 'should not' do. Do what's right for YOU, and know that you ARE entitled to happiness and a life of your own.

The End.

In response to CarlaCB. You state you are "incapable of loving in captivity". Sorry but that really just sounds like an excuse to justify running away from responsibility. I know people who do that a lot. If she doesn't have an attachment to her mother then she would not feel like she needs to be there for her. If she can walk away without guilt and find a better solution then I say go for it. You are right some people tend to be more self centered then others and those people probably don't make good caregivers because they are always worried about what they are missing out on and resenting it. As i said before yes, it is sometimes hard and yes there are moments of resentment and frustration but you look at the big picture and do what you think is right for your own peace of mind. If her mother is still capable of caring for herself most of the time then she can certainly get away whenever she needs to be alone and she can still live her life. When the time comes that her mother cannot be left alone then she needs to reevaluate. That has to be her call.

Although my dad, 83, is still living independently, I know that it is a good possibility that I may be face with the same challenge. You said something in your question that stands out to be, "she refuses to be anywhere", but with you. There is a level of trust & comfortably she's handing to you. You also acknowledge that she did not hope for this either. I know all will work out for you & mom and I am confident that any feeling of anxiety of the unknown will soon pass. I have found through my personal experience having taking care terminally ill siblings who have passed that the very last thing they want is to burden someone. I also am very aware I too will face assistance as I age & I hope my children won't find me a burden. All I would want is to be around someone who I trust with my life when I can no longer be able to do this independently. It is not your "obligation" to take care of your mom, it will be a choice. If you strongly feel this arrangement is not right for you, you should feel no guilt. This is about the quality of one's life. * Your mental state when caring for someone else is extremely important. The environment you create will effect all those within it. Good luck and just a side note, you can still maintain a "personal" life whether you carry the title mom, wife, and even Caregiver!