My Mom has always relied on me to be her everything. How do I handle this?

I don't know if we are allowed to recommend groups here or not, but here goes: alz.org has a phone number you can call to talk to a volunteer/counselor. At one point I called several times and got the advice at the time to care from a distance. After a cooling off period, I was much better with Mom and she was better with me. I can feel the head of steam that Ashlynn has built up, righteously so no doubt, but it doesn't do her any good or her relatives any good to be so gut-wrenchingly aggravated with someone. Maybe alz.org can help, too?

Chimonger: thank you. You just described my mother. lately she has NOT been like that since she moved in Indep living senior housing but eventually those haunting thoughts might return for her and she could regress. So far, I am happy to enjoy a nicer person for now.

I fully agree with all the above and want to add one more thing: setting boundaries, creating some breathing room for you and your immediate family, being loving but firm, realizing you are only responsible for your own feelings and others have to face their own: all this will probably require some counseling for yourself to break the chains of learned behaviors and reactive feelings, but what you will end up with is
1. you'll be creating a great example for others in your family
2. You HELP your mother to grow up and grow happier within
3. you'll feel strength and joy within and not feel drained or distressed
4. Your subsequent happiness will spread to your hubby and kids, at the very least.

I too had to do this and I am so grateful I did. I did it with the help of all of you!

Adult Child...Once your elder has locked you out of their house, and accuses you of theft, and tells their circle of "friends" that, it's pretty much a bad situation.
About all you can do, is, keep a daily record of any communication or interaction with her...write everything down.
Record it if you have that ability.
Those become your only way to protect yourself from her accusations.
Limit setting can be whatever works for you.
In my case, once Mom moved out of our house, after all the he!! she raised here, I had to set a "no-contact"--unless it is in print--so that means communication is limited to email or written letters....because anything verbal, becomes "Plausible Deniability", meaning, she and my sibs can say anything, then deny they said it; or twist anything I say, or invent things they claim I said.
Hence, requiring communication in writing.
That way, there is something that can be in print, if needed to prove it, later.
IT's very important to avoid allowing her to suck you into, nor get your goat so much that you argue with her.
She WANTS to "do battle", because then, she can be really angry, use you as a target, and take any focus off herself.
Yep--Docs seem to try to avoid diagnosing mental ills, and avoid diagnosing dementia, if they can, because they don't like to remove a person's autonomy any sooner than necessary.
IF your parent has been skating through their life, with Borderline issues, Narcissism, bipolar, paranoia, etc., and never got diagnosed, likely, no Doc will diagnose them unless they are so far-gone with dementia, it's hard to miss it.
Betting she's really good at "show-timeing" too....that means, she can put on a good front for the Docs, then fall apart later.
My Mom made it through a 2-hour Social Services interview, simply by leaving the room to gather herself for about 10 to 15 minutes, then wandered back to the livingroom to continue....Social Services looked at that as "she was tired".
They FAILED to see that she used that as a ploy to gather her wits so she could continue keeping them fooled.
IF Soc. Serv. has stuck around only 30 minutes longer, they would have seen her utterly come unglued....which is what she did after they left....she went to her room to gather her wits again, then came back out and threw an epic rage---I had really wanted the Soc. Workers to see something of that--when she does that, she "scatter-shots" thoughts--whatever comes to mind, is what spews from her mouth--it can jump from one unrelated thing to another so fast, it's hard to keep up.
IF you keep daily records of her words and behaviors, THOSE can help show Docs and Social Workers what she's doing. And, it can help protect you, if needed, from her accusations.
Form realistic boundaries between you and her, and STICK to those!
It's gonna make her angry, because she will understand she's no longer controlling you. She will waffle between being angry, to being very weepy, depressed, she might try to wheedle you into returning to her web of behaviors--don't let that happen!
Also, it's probably useless to tell her how you feel--she can't process that--if you tell her how hurt you feel, she will tell you she feels far worse--and it's your fault.
THEREFORE, you might do well to get a copy of "The Four Agreements".
One of those agreements is: "Be impeccable in your word".
That means keeping things short and to the point; keep your words positive and uplifting. It's OK to validate if she does something nice....but just say "thank you" and nothing else.
IF you can, write a short synopsis of her behaviors, to her Doc's, to keep in her file. It's fairly common for people with Borderline/Narcissism/Depression, to threaten suicide....take them seriously. You letter to her Doc, could prevent the Doc prescribing narcotic pain killers which the elder might stock-pile to make a suicide attempt......Mine tried that.
Keep holding onto rational , logical thinking, and limit your elder's access to your time, resources. It's OK to say "I love you"...it may be the only thing that slows 'em down when they get on a roll with their behaviors.
One of Mom's spouses actually almost used that as a mantra...because he simply was unable to keep up with her....he just kept repeating "I love you!".

Good luck! Please keep us posted how you are doing! This kind of circumstance can make life altogether too interesting....it's important to talk it out with those who
ve been though it. This site has been very helpful for so many!

I just turned 60, abit younger than your mother. I am starting back running, maintain my house as I am single, this means all inside cleaning/maintenance and do my own yard work. I also have completely removed all building materials in my bathroom down to the cinder block because of a mold problem and will be remodeling....and you are saying your mother at 65 needs you for everything? OMG unless her health is critical or she has some issues what is the problem? Why can't she take care of herself? Make friends? Be on her own? To want to be part of the family and family events when appropriate is normal, but to interfere, or be a burden or an obligation is WRONG. I too am in a bad situation with my mother, I have posted on this site before. I am aware of lack of boundries, enabling my mother to be difficult, not saying "no," and am in quite the same situation as you except for the fact my mother is 89 and truly not able to be independent. I'm seeking a counselor and have been in touch with elder services in my area. I've just started to make changes as I am young enough to still live and have fun and will not continue to fight with my mother, get migraine headaches or lose more of my life. I can help my mom and do what should be done without losing my life...I'm working at it, you can too. You've been given good advise from others, maybe call your local elder services, seek entertainment alternatives for her (senior centers in your area), counseling, whatever helps you to regain your life and create peace with your mother and your family. I wish you the best, keep posting on this site. There are people with good advice, have been there, legal knowledge....there is hope...

Unrealistic expectations are expected from the mother or the father. The old expression, "do as I say, not as I do".... many mixed messages, when growing up. Daughter is to be perfect, but mother can do what she pleases, and we are to accept every bad decision she makes.

Many times unrealistic expectations are expected from the daughter or son regarding their parents. I would agree with the suggestions above to see a therapist. I found that I began to understand that I was quilted by my mother and manipulated. What she thought was normal expectations of me were just not acceptable. A good therapist can help one find ways to cope. Sometimes we need help. There is not one thing wrong with getting good sound advice and support to carry through with solutions in these difficult situations. Don't you owe it to yourself, family and her? Let us know how you are doing.

And as a husband, let's please not forget there is a husband involved here who has not had a private date with his wife in 7 years! If you take charge by standing up to your mom as your refuse to dance her dance of emotional blackmail that keeps you emotionally functioning like mom's little instead of like your mother's adult daughter, then you will be your husband's emotionally adult wife and your life together will have the intimacy that a marriage should have when a spouse is not emotionally enmeshed with their mom or dad.

I agree, that if you can't get a hold of this with some professional help, then you are training your daughter to have poor boundaries as well to which I will add that you will miss the intimacy that a healthy marriage can have. Otherwise, you will find yourself all alone in the world emotionally because of allowing your mother to suck you in deeper and deeper into her emotional dance and the power of the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) will bury you emotionally in the darkside of manipulation where there is much anger, suffering and pain.

So, in a nutshell, woman up and be the person your own self and others like your daughter and your husband need for you to be! Chose to do it today! No half-hearted try, but either do or no do! Make it happen! You can do it!

Hello y'all,

A couple of things:

1. Yes, I, too, love this site. I cannot believe how much I have learned here. Only a year ago I was totally in the dark about all of these issues. Now, after what I have been through and what I have read, I feel that I have some perspective and self-confidence.

2. It is important to have this perspective. Feelings are not facts. They are just feelings. To know, for example, that I am not the only one who would like to have my mother fall off her perch (even though I love her), is extremely helpful. I don't feel "evil," just tired.

3. Ashlynne, what you have written is a really good example of the need to "care for someone at arm's length." I cant' remember who, but a very nice woman writes about this. When there has been abuse over many years, it is best to have others give the primary care. Simple, arranged, done. Take a breath.

4. And, Ashlynne, you are very smart to visit to visit when the SW is there. we need strategies. My strategy with my mom is to DO things with her--not to sit and talk. Talking drives me over the edge in ten minutes. So, I plan to DO something.
It makes the visits bearable. Your visits will be more bearable with the SW--because your mom will be "showboating," showing the SW her best side. Your strategy is a smart move; do it!

4. Deedee, by now you must have comprehended that you need to change things with your mom. It will be a change, for the better, for the whole family. But change is hard and after so many years you need help. I want to reiterate what I said earlier in this thread--I waited too long! Don't make my mistake: get help, see a therapist sooner rather than later! Don't forget, a child is involved here. Your child is observing all of this. If you can't "man up" (sorry, feminists) and set boundaries, she will not be able to do it in her life. But if you take charge, you will be a great teacher for your daughter.

My mother has been a manipulative, mean and spiteful narcissist life long. My father worshiped the ground she walked on and she quickly learned that she only had to pout, throw tantrums, refuse to speak to him for weeks on end and she got her own way. He passed away 15 years ago. His heart gave out and, to this day, I feel 50+ years of bashing put him in an early grave.

After he passed she was always whining about being lonely ... I lived 200km away at the time ... and I constantly urged her to go to a seniors centre or volunteer for something but, nope, she'd only go to the supermarket and the library, hid in her house and avoided the neighbours. I was the only source of entertainment but, even when I visited I'd have to cook all the food and bring it along as she didn't like cooking ... la de da! God forbid she would cook me a meal. She has done the most appalling things to me, my father and to anyone else who dared cross her path over the years.

She's been in a NH for over 2 years now ... 88, parkinsons, strokes and dementia, unable to sit up or stand ... and I'm still all there is as she ran off the odd friend or two over the years. She's the meanest, nastiest and most spiteful person you'd ever come across and even though in a NH she made my life such hell I changed my phone number, made it unlisted and ensured she never had my address for fear she'd send the cops around if I didn't answer the phone, which she's done in the past.

I preserve her money, pay her bills and run her errands but I haven't visited in two weeks ... dropped her shopping at the office and told them to say I have a cold as I just don't want to deal with her. I actually do have a bit of a cold and my eyes are runny.

The other day I got a hand written note from the NH social worker saying Mommie Dearest had asked her to write and say how much she loved me. Rubbish, the only person she's ever loved is herself! I haven't visited in two weeks and it's just bait to get me running again, which isn't happening.. She's just playing the SW like an old fiddle.

On my next visit I fully expect to get blasted for not coming sooner ... and to this point I've visited 2 or 3 times a week. Next week I start volunteering at the local hospital ... it's time to rebuild my life after she destroyed what I had. The SW is only there on Wednesdays so that's when I'll go and have the SW sit in so either Mommie Dearest is afraid to abuse me in front of her or she lets go. If she lets go it will be "Well, I'm going to cut you out of my Will". Go ahead sunshine, doesn't matter to me - I'll even provide the contact details for lawyers in a nearby town . It's always been that way with her "Do as I want right now or I'll hurt you" ... knocked me about, cracked my skull open when I was 6 and it never got any better after that. Lovely lady. If it comes down to it, good riddance. Whichever way things go I'm determined to be free once and for all to enjoy what years of life I may have left.

To the original poster, boundaries sound nice but if she's anything like Mommie Dearest boundaries will mean nothing and you'll have to fight tooth and nail for possibly years while your health deteriorates and your marriage disintegrates. Stamp on her now and hard ... get it over and done with.

Yes. I have learned to really love this website! Thank you all for your kind answers. I hope to take some of your answers into consideration soon.

That us what I love about this website. I can be totally honest and get it all out. Plus knowing how honest other people are on this forum helps immensely because I know I'm not alone. Hugs to all of us caregivers. We are all doing the best we can.

Linda,

You've learned a very hard and difficult lesson which means setting and keeping boundaries now after all of that time must be very hard to do.

Wow! 28 years is a long time! That would have put you in your 30s and your husband in his 40s. How in the world did ya'll survive those 28 years?

Wow,Linda, that is a very honest and sincere answer. You have taught us all something.

Sounds like you never set boundaries, just like me. My mother has been extremely emotionally needy since my father died 28 years ago. I couldn't go anywhere unless she went with me. I couldn't go anywhere with just my husband because she insisted she go too. The few times we tried to get away, she'd cry and carry on saying how lonely she was and that I didn't care. It was easier to take her with us than going through a scene every time. This meant family vacations, getaway weekends and concerts I attended. She had to buy everything I bought when we went shopping and partake in any activities I did like line dancing and craft classes which she hated.

Fast forward to the present. She's in mid stage Alzheimer's, can't do all the activities I do and complains that she can't, and calls me several times a day, frantic if she can't reach me. She is now totally dependent on me to keep her company because she uses a walker and can no longer drive, and I'm supposed to be her everything. She has depended on me for 28 years for entertainment, never seeking the company of people her own age. Now it's a thousand times worse.

I am now setting up boundaries which I should have done years ago. Her constant repeating is getting to me and having conversations is difficult. I'm in my mid 60's and my husband will soon be 70. I need to keep those boundaries for my own sanity. I could kick myself for not doing it 28 years ago. I am living a nightmare because all she's ever wanted is me and now that she really needs me, I need to pull back and the guilt is always there.

beth53 has hit on it - the biggest barrier is finding the courage to break a lifetime of being emotionally blackmailed. I wish I could say that I worked with a therapist because I knew I had to change this situation. But you know what my wake up moment was? I was enjoying a lazy Saturday chatting about everything with my daughter in her first apartment. I began to get antsy and she asked why. When I told her that Gma was home alone, she gave me this look and firmly said " I need time with you too." I was stunned, not by her words, but that I'd allowed this situation to become so dysfunctional. I started making small changes to carve out time for my family and yes, time for myself. Mom reacted with tears, guilt etc. in about equal measure to my refusal to be coerced into backing down. My guiding voice has been "would I do/say this to my own kids?" Eventually, I learned to have a thick skin about what she'd tell people about my sister and I. Now when people tell me I should do this or that because "your mom is getting old and you won't have her forever", I remind them I nearly lost a child so I cherish each of my relationships equally. I learned it's reasonable and right to take time to be just a wife or just a mom or just a friend.

Sending you hugs and vibes that you can do this, in babysteps.

Deedee, I apologize, and posted my own issues.. as your post triggered stuff in me. I have to say I was shocked to here that your mother is only 65, I assumed she was in her 80's. This behaviour is not going to get better, because it has worked for her in the past. You have to change your behaviour and let her know that you love her, yet can not be her "everything"...... She will suck the life out of you, and it will effect your health and family life. You made a comment on her getting large, my mom is as well (350 lbs), so there are challenges just with that. There are times I look at her and she appears to look like a chubby spoiled child, who is going to get her way.... or else. I call it the dependent independent syndrome. Anyway, I hope there will be a solution that will work for everyone down the road for you. It seems to me the weaker my mom gets physically, the stronger her mind becomes. I pray that I age with grace and not become a physical and mental burden for the family.

I have been my mom's emotional support for many years, until I moved away. But even that didn't help. Therapy is necessary in such cases where there is no separation between mom's identity and your own, in mom's mind. She hasn't "individuated" from being your mother. I would disagree with some of the replies here that sound a bit harsh - being an "adult" doesn't necessarily solve the problem of being "bonded," or almost being a hostage to someone who needs constant validation. Therapy has helped me immensely. Maybe moms don't change, but we do, and so does the behavior of both parties, once the work has been done on extricating yourself from the clutches of codependency. Also, at 65, she doesn't need to rely on you so much, regardless of all the psychological issues. I am 63, and I wouldn't dream of imposing my problems on my kids. Quite the contrary.

Might be worth a try to find a senior center or something similar and you go by yourself once or twice to see what it's like, and then invite her to go with you; and then have some sort of sudden reason you can't stay with her and leave her to fend for herself. (Probably should talk to the director of the program.) Even the reactions of other folks that she will probably complain to might be an eye-opener for her.

I really connected with this post, my mom is 82, alone in her home - should be in an assisted living place, but refuses to be away from her material possessions. She has home care coming in every day except Sundays and is pretty well immobilized with Arthritis and many other health issues. She has had years of support from us girls and her last 2 husbands. Now that she is alone she has become more demanding and more Narcissistic. The last episode was when she was in the hospital, my sister and I would go into her home and get her toiletries etc... She now thinks we have stolen things from her, and has changed the locks and called the police. I know, you are thinking she has dementia, her assessment from the hospital says no. My sister and I have been pushed away from her, and we choose to keep our distance, for our own well being, physical and mental. Mom calls her friends and get a lot of mileage from them with how evil her daughters are... and the drama continues. My question is... how do you deal with this sort of thing, boundaries do not work for her, she sees them as a personal threat, and gets more combative.

The dynamics of the relationship you have with your mom have been going on since you were a child, I'm willing to bet. How is her overall health? Your biggest barrier lies in finding the inner courage to set limits with her. You have the right to set limits with her. My suggestion, if you can afford it, is to meet with a counselor who can objectively help you develop a limit-setting plan. If this isn't practical you'll have to devise a plan on your own. Perhaps your husband or friends could help you, but preferably it should be someone who is objective.

This sort of behavior can slowly ruin a marriage---their own, as well as their adult kid's relationships.
A parent who tells their adult child anything like: "you are my best girlfriend", or words to that effect...likely has some long-standing mental health issues, which may not have been diagnosed due to others allowing the person to get away with those behaviors.
Mine, bless her, binge-drinks [not all the time--and with age, it takes less to do more damage]; has depressive episodes, has rages that can last several hours, can't manage social life, and at the height of one epic rage, followed me from room-to-room, screaming about how I was depriving her of friendship, screaming "I haven't even seen you naked yet" and, "you are my best friend!" and following me into the bathroom when I had to use the facility.
Unbalanced? you betcha. And she denies any of that ever happened, once she segues to calmer modes.
Seriously, when a parent does this sort of thing-or even hints at it...and yours is only 65?
Find some way to learn WHY she has no friends/social life of her own, and then help her develop both a healthier social life, and some reasonable hobbies--quick!
Her behaviors are a sad commentary on her life...but might be possible to modify at this point...maybe.
Be aware, this will get worse as age an infirmity progress, especially if nothing is done to get her the help she probably has needed all her life.
Mine's in her 80s...not likely to make changes, as there is now some dementia overlaying the life-long mental issues. IF she'd gotten some appropriate help when she was even 65, things could have been different, even a little.

===Be aware of, find help for, take seriously, her depressive comments.
===Keep a calendar or notebook writing down her behaviors and comments, DAILY.
===Contact her Dr. to let him/her know of your mom's behaviors and comments, and how concerned you feel for her safety and well-being.
KEY: "concerned that she might be a danger to herself or others".
Based on: she has said "you don't love me", when excluded from things not concerning her.
These kinds of statements can rapidly lead to others...like: 'I feel like there's no point in living', or, 'why do I bother to breath?', etc. er depression can also motivate her to try to get narcotic pain med prescriptions "just in case I need them" from her Doc...who might just give them, if unaware of her depressed condition. These then get saved up, and could be used in a suicide attempt.
Depressive thoughts, maybe hopelessness, are easily hidden from Docs who only see their patients for a few minutes.......Your mom has had lifetime of practicing manipulation and hiding how she really feels.
She might be helped with antidepressant, or even using vitamin P-5-P [active form of B-6] Which helps stabilize / balance brain and body chemistry, and can help with mood stabilization even for some with bipolar issues, safely.

Other Helps possible: Area Agency on Aging; Social Services; Suicide Prevention hotline; her Doctor; Police "well-checks"; etc.
By hooking up with these, her situation starts developing a formal record, which agencies can start 'seeing' her patterns of behaviors, officially.
Otherwise, with nothing on record, all of them pretty much assume she's 'fine', and will NOT be able to help unless something extreme happens [an actual suicide attempt, fr instance].
Anything less, they ignore---unless the elder has an established record of having issues needing help.
This record-forming process also can help protect YOU.
Your daily notes of her behaviors and comments, as well as your actions to help her, become your only protection against accusations she, or others, might throw at you of 'elder abuse' or 'abandonment' or 'negligence'.

Other advice:
Avoid letting her move in under your roof.
If she becomes unable to fend for herself, point her to senior housing or assisted living.
You have a responsibility to yourself, your own child and spouse, first!
It's your prime-directive job, to strive to do a better job of being an adult, than your parents did, and, to teach your child to do better than you managed.

You are worthy; your life is every bit as valuable as anyone else's.
Please don't be the rescuer that allows the drowning person they're trying to save, drown them.
Do "put your own oxygen mask on 1st".
Please get what help you might need, to learn better how to deal with your Mom.
Please keep us posted how you are progressing!

Establish firm parameters. Stick to them unswervingly.

Yep, it will get worse before it gets better because your mom will at first intensify the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) to try to get you back into her emotional dance. Don't back down on your boundaries. Also, note that boundaries are for your protection and not necessarily a tool to get her to change because you must stick by your boundaries regardless. Just because she does not like your healthy choices does not mean that you have to return to the unhealthy choices because she is not healthy. She's made her choices and she must live with them instead of sucking your choices and life out of you.

I just heard about a behavior called an 'extinction surge' or similar to that. Basically when you set a boundary, Mom is going to act out even more so when she realizes the usual manipulations are not working, at least for a short while. So stick to your boundaries once you set them; don't back down for anything. The surge will wash over you and then the behavior will tone down. (hopefully!).

At 65, I highly doubt that your mother will be open to the idea of seeing a therapist. It is you who needs to see a therapist and I hope you will go.

One book on boundaries in general that I suggest reading is Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No by Cloud and Townsend.

The other book is Marriage in Boundaries. by Cloud and Townsend.

In my opinion, you have weak boundaries in relationship with your mother as an individual and you have weak boundaries as a married couple in relationship with your mother and thus both you and your marriage are suffering from it. Stop babying your mother as if you are your mom's mother. My wife felt that she had to baby her mom as if she was her mom's mother, but a therapist helped her to see it for what it was and to get past that. It maid me happier as a husband for I felt like I had my wife back and the boys were happier because they felt they had their mom back. Right now, emotionally speaking , it sounds like you are missing in action from your family while dancing this emotional enabling dance with mom. Cut the strings and break the chains that bind you. You can't change her and her choices, but you can change yourself.

families are always more difficult to deal with than strangers. Get mom involved in the local senior center, it will give her a chance to meet new people and do new things, if she likes bowling maybe she can join a team and play weekly. Volunteer work is great, she can volunteer at the local library to read books to children or at the local hospital or nursing homes. Maybe mom is feeling left out. Make a point to call her, invite her to dinner or maybe go shopping. Discuss at dinner how your daughter is growing up and doing more things with her friends. Ask her advice regarding something, anything; it will help her to feel 'in the loop' and needed by her family. You need to set some ground rules, boundary's because each of you have separate lives and interests. It's still important to include her so she feels valuable as a person. Good luck

Set boundaries now when you can, because she may one day really need all the attention you are giving her now and you will be burned out...trust me i know. And don't ever think you will be able to convince her that you have a right to a life, that will never happen. So don't negotiate, just say no.

My mom tried not to be a burden, I know that is not what she wanted to do but sometimes it did become overwhelming for me. She was a bright women that was raised in a different time and place where family took care of each other and never thought twice about it. It is nobody's fault. It is what it is. However, I will say that you are the one doing the heavy lifting and before you drop the ball (it is only going to get heavier) you need to hire a caregiver to help you out. - You will have a lot of negativity surrounding this but you need to push through for your own sake. - Support groups, someone can help you find a volunteer if you can't afford a caregiver - PUSH for it.

I go through the same stuff with my mom and she now has dementia. I wish I'd set better boundaries when she was of more sound mind. She had a stroke the day after I had my first date with my husband so she basically thinks I threw her to the curb for him. (Not true, but guess what, I want to spend time with my hubby!) One thing that's been a huge help is going here, but also we got a social worker through the hospital and got a lot of good advice. (If it's free or you have to pay for a session, never mind: A good one is as good as gold.) We got a lot of resources and are setting up to get some extra help through the area agency on aging. Also apparently Medicare covers up to 40 sessions a year with a therapist/counselor (for depression, etc.) I'm looking forward to those starting. If you can get that with your mom and maybe sit in a on a few sessions that might work. It's hard to say no to mom because you don't want to disappoint her, but set these boundaries now before her mind starts to go. Get her to the local senior center, try to sign her up for daylong trips or take her to a senior expo and let her explore options. It gets draining when your mom expects you to be her sole source of entertainment. Don't let that happen.