Mom has vascular dementia, moved her in to AL on 4/11/21. Am I doing the right thing by not answering her calls?

All I can say what I do is to put myself in the other's shoes. A phone call mho is a simple thing to do to make another feel so much better.

In a new place where formally she was in close proximity - (which means security), feeling whatever - abandoned, loney, with strangers so on). I used to call my friend, a young man dying, every day and visited once a day (and made arrangements with other friends to fill in when I could not). And when he finally went to the hospital I did the same. (as well with my mother I had a bed put in an adjacent room and slept there at night - I wanted to make sure in both cases that all was well). I was working 70-80 hour weeks, and part-time nights and double major in night college. And I was exhausted, but having been in the hospital myself knew how it can be.

You are Absolutly Not doing the Right Thing!

Do Not Listen To That Nurse!

It's insane for your mom to be put in a unfamiliar place and then you Not call her.

CALL HER NOW AND CALL HER EVETY DAY AND ANSWER HER CALLS.

SHe is going through a lot, she doesn't need to add to her pain by you not talking to her when she calls.

bbooks5720: I did see your positive update regarding your mother. I am glad to hear that she is settling in.

bbooks5720

So glad to read your update! You've done the best you can and it seems to be working.

For the others criticizing you or the staff for doing/suggesting to stay away, this is COMMONLY done. It isn't to be cruel. It ISN'T abandoning them. It is placing them in a safe place and allowing some time to adjust. ANY move for someone with dementia is difficult. Don't make it harder on those who have to make this decision. Having done all the prep work, I left it to my 2 brothers to do the actual move. It had to be done with a fib - she was adamant she wasn't moving anywhere. I took the suggestion VERY seriously. Due to hearing loss and difficulty with phones, I didn't set her up with one. I also didn't want her sitting in her room all day. Engage with others. Socialize. Get out of the bedroom! She did have them call a few times, but she couldn't hear me, so that stopped quick. I waited about 2 weeks. Never did she ask me to take her home. She did hound my YB to take her home when he showed up. After 9 months, she forgot the condo and was focused on the previous house we lived in. Sometimes it takes some subtle digging to figure out where "home" is, in their mind.

Multiple calls/day could be similar to them seeking you out at home and asking the same questions or making the same statements over and over again. Often they aren't aware they are doing this. YOU notice the calls and it can tug at your gut thinking the worst, but it isn't. Maintaining contact with staff can help assure you she's doing fine, as you learned.

"It's probably been harder on me than her." In one comment, I mentioned a similar issue with kids, when they first go to day care or school. There are some who REALLY throw a fit, crying, begging to go home, etc. The comparison ends with the behaviors - our parents are NOT children. But the staff at schools and day cares deal with this and distract the kids and get them engaged, until they finally realize this isn't so bad! We feel bad to leave them there, clutching for us, crying, etc, but it's an adjustment period and we should not feel guilty in either case.

"It's day by day right now. I am experiencing some sort of weird guilt/relief sort of thing where I went from doing LOTS of stuff for my Mom and constantly worrying about her safety day and night, while working, having a husband and 2 daughters one of which still lives at home, to nothing. I feel bereft...I think that is the proper word."

This too shall pass. When the time is right, you go visit with mom, bring her treats, take her out for a walk or a quick bite to eat somewhere. It does make you realize how much time her care was taking from your own and your family's needs. Now, however, instead of having to worry, provide various types of care, etc, you go back to being a loving daughter and ENJOY time spent with her!

"I want those of you who may think I'm heartless to understand that I cannot properly care for my Mom anymore. She's in a good place where they can support her needs and she is safe."

I'd like those who think that way to understand they likely have NOT been in your (our) shoes and are making statements like this because they have NO understanding about how this works. THAT is wrong. THAT is cruel. THAT is insensitive.

It is indeed a hard decision to make, but oftentimes it is the RIGHT decision. You've done the right thing for your mother. Very soon you can visit her and spend good times with her instead of care-giving (not stop caring, just the work!) You will have to learn some tricks and tools, such as how to distract her, redirect her focus and how to exit gracefully. Sometimes they can get focused on something, like asking about going home - this is where knowing how to distract and redirect comes in handy. Exiting the facility takes some doing. It may eventually be easy to do, if she acclimates really well. Sometimes making excuses like using the restroom, going to work or having an appt can smooth the way.

Best to you!

It’s ok to talk on phone as you will discover she’s more appreciative of you & nicer. You can encourage her to participate in therapy & activities. Then say you’ll talk tomorrow....Hugs 🤗

This is a tough one and she has dementia. No matter who, I feel anyone taken out of heir home will have a very hard time once placed. I know I sure did. I went into assisted living because I could not walk. And while I am fiercely independent and l00% with it and still driving, working, you name it, I have never really adjusted but where can I go? So I am stuck. She is calling for reassurance, comfort. I personally would take ONE phone call a day to talk to her and if she starts in on you complaining or wanting to leave, etc. try distraction - but don't just totally ignore her. Just keep it to a bare minimum and if the phone call is upsetting, excuse yourself to answer the door, etc. and hang up. It will pass eventually.

Please free yourself from the guilt, you are absolutely doing the right thing. She does need to adjust to letting the staff be her caregivers. I think you did the right thing by talking to her just once. If you are concerned call the staff and see how things are going.

As for asking when you are going to take her home, that is a normal question from new residents. Just assure her that she is fine and is now home. A friend of mine says her mother would say to the staff just about everyday that she had to get ready because her husband (who had died years earlier) was coming to pick her up - none of the staff disabused her of this. My own father who willingly moved from his shared apartment with my mother in AL to SNF asked after a month in SNF "when can I go home?" Mom and I both told him he was home because he was too weak to move back in with mom.

My MIL had a habit of calling each of her 3 sons 10 - 15 times a day each with the same questions day after day after day. We moved her to AL and when she asked her youngest when she could go home she was told she was home. This is over 20 years ago now, but the staff kept her so busy she never called once in a couple of weeks to the point her sons began to wonder if something was wrong.

My advise is give it time. Talk to her no more than once a day for now. May be visit once a week letting her make friends and relying on the staff. This is not to say you are not still her primary caregiver, you oversee what is happening with her. Make the staff your allies in giving mom the best of care, but don't be afraid of approaching the higherups if there is a problem.

Good luck.

When we placed my MIL into an MC/AFL, the nurse told us to not visit for a couple of weeks but talking on the phone is fine “keep communicating” is what the nurse told us. So we did call her back once a day.

Bbooks5720, thank you updating readers. I was thinking about adding my experience with placing my then 95-year-old dad with Alzheimer's into memory care, but also cautioning that everyone's specific situation is unique, so you should heed your own instincts and informed judgment. You've obviously navigated these hard decisions and conflicting emotions very well, so I now think my own experience is irrelevant. Best wishes for you, your mom and the rest of your family during this difficult time.

OK. Here's my experience. I HAVE been in constant contact with the facility. I have called my Mom once per day since she's been there (I couldn't completely follow the RN's advice) and other family members have been calling her once per day also.

Last night when I talked to her, we actually had a good conversation. She's still a bit confused, but seemed to be settling in. I think the RN actually gave me pretty good advice. It's probably been harder on me than her.

I talked to her about expressing her needs to the staff, and she seemed to understand that they are there to help her.

It's day by day right now. I am experiencing some sort of weird guilt/relief sort of thing where I went from doing LOTS of stuff for my Mom and constantly worrying about her safety day and night, while working, having a husband and 2 daughters one of which still lives at home, to nothing. I feel bereft...I think that is the proper word. I want those of you who may think I'm heartless to understand that I cannot properly care for my Mom anymore. She's in a good place where they can support her needs and she is safe.

This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly.

Thanks to all of you who have given me words of support!

I would attempt to do what they suggest. Afterward I would limit calls to two a day, one in a.m. and one in p.m. Tell her this and stick to it so that indeed she goes to staff. Don't enable her to make this so much more difficult for both herself and for you. I wish you the best. So sorry you both have to deal with this.

I would not be able to follow this advice. I cant imagine my mom feeling abandoned in a setting that most people detest to begin with. I would make every effort to be there for her in the beginning and then gradually not as much as she adjusts......ie my advice would be the opposite - spend more time in the beginning with mom and less as she adjusts.....but when i say "less" , i still mean trying to be in contact at a minimum DAILy ..whether it be thru in person visits or phone or video chats......think about all the people who died alone during covid where family was not allowed.....this is a gift to be able to be there for mom - whether physically or via phone....again, this is only my opinion and only what i would do for my own mother....everyone is differant....good luck.

i would be visiting her every day and encouraging her to get around the facility - perhaps going to the meal with her and establishing her sitting with a nice group of women - that way when you are not there she can look around the room and not be intimidated and as lost. Also will avoid her ending up sitting with uncommunicative people and establishing this as her “spot”. As in high school they tend to sit with same people every meal.
also this way these ladies may look for her at other activities .
as for the phone calls - I would take at least some - not wanting her to feel abandoned - but not at her mealtimes or when she should be out and about - so find out when those time are. She is used to you helping her and now you are helping her to adjust . Also on calls - taper them off if there’s a lot .
Since we are about to start my grandson in Daycare - after being with me at her home while my daughter works remotely ,( so he’s had mama to breastfeed him every few hours ) . Imagine if the daycare said - just leave him for the first couple weeks- unimaginable right ??! We plan to ease him in by starting part time - he only knows like total FIVE people right now due to Covid so it will be rough , I think elderly can be like children - with their minds regressing and dependence on us. So I agree you mom needs to start depending on staff but she also still needs your love - and waiting two weeks for it is too long . Even when you go visit have mom call staff for assistance don’t do it yourself - at least for now .

bbooks5720 I feel for you. I don't have experience with dementia but I know you love your mother, you want to do what's best for her, but the advice you got from the facility makes you feel awful. In your situation I don't think I could just abandon my mom for the first several days either and would probably still call her once a day OR answer one or two of her calls each day (but not 10) to give you both a little more peace of mind. I'd also check in with the care staff regularly.

Moving a loved one into a facility is a difficult choice that most of us don't want to have to make but sometimes it's for the best. It's hard to know what to expect or how to best deal with the issues that come up. The other posters here gave some good advice. I hope your mom can adjust quickly and you can feel some peace. I would, however, continue asking staff for regular updates on her condition and care protocols, and visiting (if allowed) or calling her regularly (can you video chat?), and advocating on her behalf.

It made me sad to find some mean-spirited comments aimed at bbooks5720. Please, we don't come to this forum to be berated, we come because we are already confused, sad, overwhelmed, angry, feeling frustrated and helpless, feeling guilty, at our wits end, and truly in need of support and advice from others.

I know how guilt feels. It can be true guilt or guilt that someone has manipulated. I am certain that you can drop off flowers, a gift etc. to the facility right now and show her you're in her life. Leave it for her or have it delivered. On the note assure her of your love and you'll be seeing her soon.

Send her a picture in a card or a small album. "I'm going to be unavailable for a few days. I'll see you soon."

When I worked in Children's Ministry we visited a nursing home with the children. They would sing and tell stories or read a poem. One lady never received visitors, she wasn't eating or responding to staff. We saw her for 3 or 4 months and during that time she came alive.

We all intuitively know what's right - or wrong. Love will guide you. We understand and wish you well as you and your mom adjust.

NancyIS is going through this as well. Pull out what you can use and every opportunity you have reassure your love.

You can talk to the nurse about wanting to have some kind of contact with her. Just explain you need to discuss it further because you are feeling bad about it. There may be some limited contact that would not be a problem. Or you may come to understand their reasoning. It would be a problem for everyone if your Mom focused constantly on reaching you and not checking out the new place. But it would be helpful to have some schedule that makes you more at ease. My MIL was in several good places. It still did not hurt for me to pop by almost daily, even very briefly, which was convenient, fortunately. Staff varies, things happen, it is good for everyone to know an involved family member is around. However, both you and your mother have your own life to manage now, separately as well as together, time to be about it.

Your mom is very traumatized. That is why she is calling.

Nursing homes are hardly safe. Getting scabies, lice, and bedsores are not uncommon. C. diff diarrhea is also common. The patients also fall, and sometimes one patient can assault another--some patients are violent. Other times the staff could assault the patient, or they neglect them having too many patients and only one CNA.

Happens all the time--so frequently there are lawyers specializing in that very thing and they make tons of money. Frankly I think they all should be shut down. Permanently.

I'm very thankful I never put my mom in one, but I also realize many people do not have a choice.

Do as the RN suggests and not answer her calls. Is she truly needed you, the staff would call you. Try to create a routine of calling her on certain days for a limited amount of time. Try visiting her on certain days for a limited amount of time. You should not feel guilty that you are helping her get used to a new life situation.

My mother (in Memory Care) was much the same. I would answer her calls at least once a day. I told my mother she has to stay there for a while because they can take good care of her and make sure she is safe. I'm not sure if she was convinced. Some people don't know they have dementia. They think they are capable of taking care of themselves. Try to be positive and joyfull at all times with her. When you visit, make the time quality time, as much as you can. Take her to places she enjoys, like a restaurant, or park, if you can. People with dementia talk of going "home" but for them it really means being the way they used to be, independent, in their own private space and doing things on their own.

I’m listening to everyone and I can’t believe the responses. I’m not judging, but there is no way I wouldn’t take my mom calls. You only get one mom. She is not your patient. You’re showing the staff how you treat her. It makes them treat her that way also!

That’s crazy !!! Why would you listen to that nurse ????
you should put yourself in your mothers’ shoes ... how would you feel being put in strange place with
people you don’t know and unable get intouch with your loved ones!!!
just because people have dementia doesn’t mean they’ve lost their minds and cannot think or feel anything !!! I feel so sorry for your mother that she doesn’t have a more
sensitive and sensible daughter.
that place sounds horrible ... insist on talking and visiting!!! And watch the care ... you may have to find another .

I feel for you, I'm moving mum into a 2week respite care home soon and I'm struggling with that let alone permanently so I feel for you whole heartedly. With my advise head on , I would say listen to the nurses they do this all the time and I can understand they need to get your mum into a routine. Perhaps you could ask the nurses of you could set up a video call once a day at a set time so your mum gets into a routine but it's got to be heart wrenching for you I wish I could offer more help. It will all settle down, but may be a bit bumpy to start with. Hang in there 🙏

Its not easy making that decision to put your mother into long-term care. Trust me I know. I personally chose to be there for my mother, answered her calls, visitations through her adjustment. My mothers adjustment wasn't smooth by any means. You take a stubborn, independent dutch woman that has no idea she needs help and place her somewhere she doesn't want to be. Well let me tell you. Many times I had to go in in the middle of the night, and leave work to help settle her down because she was being extremely difficult and sometimes unconsolable. It was hard on both of us. But you know what I don't regret a second of it. She was a strong influence through my life, so now it was my turn to be the strong support to her. I'm indifferent about your decision to follow the no contact as suggested. This type of support to someone transitioning isn't easy, you have to have a tough skin and be able to compartmentalize the feelings of guilt and the knowledge of making the right decision for your mother. Thats not easy and its not for everyone. I only recommend that if you chose to help her through this transition is to be strong, calm, understanding, agreeable and most of all honest. Help her understand while she still can that for her safety this is the right decision and that you know it will be tough but you'll be there to help her through it.

The first three months are hell for a close family member, take it from me. But there is no other way to handle the situation. The patient is better off and will become acclimated. You will, too. Keep in steady communication with the facility is not only wise by keeping the facility on its toes but will ease your feelings of guilt, really your feelings of ‘doing nothing.’ You have done something. The right thing.

I do not agree with some of this advice. Your mother is a human being and she is frightened. Comfort her. Dropping your mother off and letting the staff do all the work will lead to a poor adjustment. You should be answering most of her phone calls for the first two weeks; then begin to taper off and tell her you are not going to make every day about taking her phone calls. In my opinion, lying about things large and small only leads to mistrust, paranoia and agitation. There is a spare, diplomatic way to avoid lying in most situations. Your goal is to make your mother feel secure. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were admitted to a strange facility with many non-communicative residents and then be cut off from communication with your caregiver relative. Desperation and panic is the result. The RN who have you this advise is an insensitive, untrustworthy individual. I’m not at all surprised that you feel guilty. In your heart, you know what you are doing is not the correct approach. Follow your instincts and be there for your mother when she needs you most. It sounds like she is showing signs of settling in and chatting with her about what she is feeling and experiencing, no matter how valid or invalid you believe her thoughts to be, is a way to let her talk through her anxiety and come to terms with her changed circumstances.

agingmother4343:

I'm so sorry that you are in this position also. It's very discouraging when the loose interest in everything. Best to you...

Call the facility for updates each day. They'll be happy to let you know how she's doing, and that'll help assuage your feelings of guilt until you can talk to her directly again.

YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY DOING THE RIGHT THING, as long as the facility has asked you to refrain from contact as your mom takes the first difficult steps of adjusting to her new environment.

”Guilt” means deliberately ignoring the plea of someone for whom you could fix a problem by becoming g involved in it. YOU CAN’T solve her problem. You tried alternatives and none of them worked.

If you have chosen her placement with love and concern for her welfare, you have done fine. Be at peace that she is in a safe place where she will be cared for.

We all lose when dementia is involved. There's no rhyme or reason to it, and we have to stop applying our rules of normalcy to a condition that KNOWS nothing of normalcy at all, you know? It may seem 'cruel' to not take calls from mom, but in reality, she has to carve out HER new normal right now at the AL, and that means relying on the staff to help her and not on you. Take the advice of the RN and let her calls go to voicemail. Speak to her once a day, if need be, and that's it. Otherwise, you'll BOTH suffer with the endless questions about 'going home' and all that. You'll need a pat answer for her when you do need to address that question, and a good one is this, "When the doctor says you can go home, that's when we'll discuss it mom." In other words, she's in AL at the doctor's orders, so it's on HIM she's there, and so that's where she'll stay until he says otherwise.

Remember that she's there for safety reasons, as my mother is (94 and living in Memory Care) and so we don't have to worry that they're in grave danger. My mother is always angry at me about SOMETHING, too, so that's fine. Last night she told the CG to tell me she was 'sleeping' at 8 pm when I called b/c she was pissed about something else, as usual. That's fine, as long as she's okay! That's the goal: Keep them safe & secure and tell any white lies necessary to keep it that way.

Good luck; I know how tough this all is. I hope your mom adjusts well and settles in to her new AL soon!

It will take time, but she will adjust. It probably is best to let her rely on the staff instead of you. I can totally understand why you feel guilty, as I'm sure I will when it's my turn. But we have to be kind to ourselves as well. She is where she needs to be and you know that. She will never agree and that has to be ok. I guess you need to try to find a way to come to terms with that.