Am I doing the right thing by not answering her calls (10 times yesterday)? The RN says its better not to contact her for the first several days, so that she will learn to depend on the staff instead of me, but I feel horribly guilty! I did talk to her yesterday morning, she seemed much calmer, but was still asking when I was coming to get her. I just didn't answer her calls for the rest of the day yesterday. She hasn't called today yet, I'm praying that is a good sign. Somebody with experience tell me what you think. She's 82 with vascular dementia. She has been living right behind me in a tiny house, but I just can't let her be by herself any longer, and she is resistant to having in-home care. Tried that before, and she just wouldn't answer the door to let them in. She thinks she is absolutely fine. ???
I see no problem in giving her a call in the morning and maybe one in the evening so she doesn't feel abandoned. My answer to her coming home question would be determined where her Dementia is. Do you feel you can say "Mom, this is your new home. You have so much more to do here. People to eat dinner with. New friends. Activities and entertainment" or a little white lie as suggested.
Yes she needs time to adjust. When u start visits, don't stay long. The word "home should not be mentioned even saying "well I am heading home" My daughter always said to Mom she was going to work. Satisfied Mom. Let the aides do the work.
The phone. This was one of the first things my Mom forgot how to use. She never got the nack of a cell phone even the simplest ones. So having one in the AL was not even a consideration. If she had one, though, phone calls 10x a day would not have happened. I would have eventually just let them go to VM. Calling her back if the message was important.
It may be helpful to have a few planned visits with her when her AL is having some event or craft or function and you can go to these with her. I find that doing things there will her force her to go out and be engaged with other people, which would be good for her, but also you must have tempered expectations that she may not do any of it when you're not there. My MIL eventually decided to never get out of bed again, even though she could, and now she physically can't. She's in LTC and really didn't need to be so soon. Such a shame because even with some dementia and memory loss she is a sweet and light-hearted person and the staff loves her.
Guilt is for someone who did something wrong, which you didn't do. You did what was necessary-and there will be an adjustment period.
Cut back to as many phone calls as YOU can handle--likely mom is unaware that she has overstepped bounds with that.
The RN has a lot more experience with this than you have had--let her lead you into this new 'norm'.