Mom is in rehab and calls me multiple times in the middle of the night. Her voicemails are draining me. Suggestions?

I had the exact same issue. You have already done the first step in not answering the phone at night. The second step is to not listen to the voicemails. When you get the time to call her she will not remember calling you and you can pick up from there. I know it is a very stressful time for you so don't add to it by worrying about the voicemails. If there was real trouble, the facility will call you.

If she has Covid 19, the ability to visit her is out of your hands.

I understand how difficult it is to try to reassure someone who will not be reassured.

It is not as simple as simply answering the phone and lying to her to tell her everything will be okay, when you nor she have any way of knowing everything will be okay.

As another person suggested call the hospital to ask if she is being tended to properly.

The identical thing happened to me when my late fiance was in rehab after heart surgery. He called me eight times one night.
The thing to remember is that the patient is probably scared and in unfamiliar surroundings. At night, whoever is on duty is probably down at one end of the hall and not checking patients often, if at all. There are all types of patients there—the lady across the hall from my fiance would scream and moan all night long! It's no wonder that he would awaken and be terrified.
He was also suffering from the delirium that often temporarily follows prolonged anesthesia, and who knows what medicines he was on that might have contributed.

Bottom line: Try to contact the night nurse on duty and ask her to go check your mom and reassure her.
I tried to do that and discovered to my horror that the only line into the rehab facility rang the front desk, which of course was closed at night. If you can't reach anyone at night, I urge you to contact the corporate headquarters and complain forcefully. There needs to be an after-hours phone number that will reach a person who is there! A patient could be having a bonafide emergency, called you to tell you, and there would be no way to let the night nurse know.
Try to get some rest during the day and try picking up the phone while you're still awake at night. Reassure your mom that you care about her very much but ask her not to call you any more because you need your sleep. And find a way to tell the facility that they need to check on her more frequently.

I would not listen to the messages.

I would let the rehab know that she is not fully understanding how she can contact them for her immediate needs and ask them to help her with that.

I have seen people in rehab that were left with no water, so I wouldn't ignore her but, make the facility do everything possible to ensure that she is being cared for in the best way. Speaking to the DON or someone in their social services department can ensure that the simple things are getting done.

One thing that really helped me not feel bad about turning my phone off was that I knew the facility would contact me if anything happened that needed me.

I was shocked when experts first told me not to listen to my mom’s messages because they upset me so much. It seemed rude and unloving. After a couple of years of them, I no longer listen because they tear me apart. I wish I had started deleting them sooner.

Get her OUT of there as soon as possible and let them do her rehab at home instead. You can get in home care for her to help her through this. I have seen for my own eyes how horrible MANY of these places are. Often the people are lazy and do NOT take care of the people. If they won't even get her a glass of water that is really bad!!! GET HER OUT SOON!

Oh my. We went through the same thing with my mother. She would call any number of people relentlessly through the night with "it's too hot," "it's too cold," "I'm thirsty," "I'm in pain," etc. initially while she insisted on living at her home. We finally were able to move her to an ALF where she had a call button by her bed (and in the bathroom). Bless them, the staff were responsive. Is there any way the rehab facility can set up some kind of system where she can call them (and they'll be responsive)?

I completely understand your distress. Mom was calling me (6-hour drive away), my siblings, friends, and even her financial advisor who lived an hour away for help!

If she has dementia does she really need a phone in her room, if the ALF has to contact you about anything they can call you, that way she won't have access to a phone.  OR if she does have a phone, is there anyway the ALF can disconnect her phone so that the call won't even go through?  OR you can just as soon as you hear her voice in the voicemail, push delete without even listening to them.  maybe suggest they give her some melatonin before bed which isn't addicting but should help her sleep longer.  wishing you luck.

I would not listen to the messages.

I would let the rehab know that she is not fully understanding how she can contact them for her immediate needs and ask them to help her with that.

I have seen people in rehab that were left with no water, so I wouldn't ignore her but, make the facility do everything possible to ensure that she is being cared for in the best way. Speaking to the DON or someone in their social services department can ensure that the simple things are getting done.

One thing that really helped me not feel bad about turning my phone off was that I knew the facility would contact me if anything happened that needed me.

Listen to yourself!! You do not want the "care" responsability... it will result in neglect.

You can program your phone to mute her calls, but accept calls from the care team. Then you will always get the urgent calls immediately. I had to stop listening to my mom’s messages, mom didn’t remember leaving them. Your mom is She probably bored, confused and likely a little scared away from her normal routine. Keep on top of the state of care when you are visiting for things like water. My mom fell and hit her head and was sent to the emergency room. It turned out another resident kept playing with the water service in the dining room and it had to be removed because the play created a trip hazard. The care team was adjusting to the change just as much as the other residents.

It's hard because you will never know whether what she says in her messages is true or not. My mother who has Alzheimer's lives with me in a warm, cozy, clean and beautiful house where she is treated like a queen, and she says all those same things! "I hate it here! Get me out of here!" I see a therapist weekly to process my feelings about my mother's constant crying, complaining, and outbursts. I wish I could just hit a mute button. I would still listen to her messages and try to discern if there's any truth in them. Therapy might help you deal with feelings of guilt, etc.

Very similar thing happened to me. Mom hated the rehab place and kept calling to get her out. She also kept trying to leave so the alarm on her bed went off all night. She had a landline and I had the staff unplug the phone at night and take it out of her room so she could sleep and the rest of us did too

My mom lives in Memory Care. She had a phone but we discontinued the service. She was having trouble knowing how to place calls (all the kids' numbers were programmed by a separate button for each.) When she is sundowning, the calls started. That's when she and dad (deceased but she doesn't remember that,) sat for several hours every day having "cocktails." So that's the time of day that she gets agitated and started making calls (if she could remember how; if not, she had the staff dial for her.)

We are in touch with the staff regularly, plus visited almost daily before COVID. Her problem was she did not know "where she was," and "wanted to come home." She called looking for my deceased father. Since her memory was no more than a few seconds, she would call and ask the same questions over and over. Suggest you consider discontinuing the phone service. The phone calls don't serve any useful purpose.

I am appalled at our health care system and witnessed this abuse first hand. My Aunt has needed Skilled RN Rehab before and I have to move during the day to ensure she gets the treatment she needs but have been disgusted in what I have witnessed. Individuals told they cannot get up and go to the bathroom without somebody helping them but watching the staff stand at an RN station just talking and talking like they aren't even working. Found others in the evening hiding behind silk plants to use their mobile phone outside of the camera eyes. There was a poor woman who asked to go to the bathroom politely 4 times over more than 30 minutes and she was ignored. She was in pain and did not want to wet herself. I approached the RN station where they were all doing nothing related to the job and mentioned that she needed help (she was in a wheelchair with a broken pelvis). They said, "we know" and then did nothing. It was very sad...I wanted to help her myself.

I can only imagine how rough this is on you, and you must do what you have to to protect your own health. Is it feasible to hire someone privately as a sitter for say 10 PM -1 AM?
as for the rest I will never not believe anyone who complains about rehabs care or food. I did a recent stint at a young 63 recuperating from a cardiothoracic surgery. My instinct was to go directly home from the hospital and it will be one of my biggest regrets I didn't. I feel traumatized by the whole rehab experience where the food was just beyond dreadful. Seriously these idiots are in it for the $$$ alone and they staff as minimally as they can get away with. Kindness and compassion were absent. They would have been better off serving frozen entrees than what they were. EX: they act like they care by asking if you have any dietary issues. I said I don't eat meat or pork. Nearly every other meal was a cold rubbery grilled cheese. So much for the heart healthy diet right? I was not even allowed to go outside and breath some fresh air. If I had more energy I'd be looking into suing them.

A little bit shocked everyone saying delete the messages unheard and block her calls, take away the phone. What if something really really bad *was* going on? If my Mom was doing that I would talk to her doctor, the staff about why she was sleeping all day so she can be up calling you all night. She misses you. Craves more emotionally than one person can provide. Maybe if you called to say goodnight and explained you couldn't pick up till the morning. Communicated with staff during the day to find out what her day is like- because it sounds like she's just sleeping through it. It's not unusual to have a patient sleep though the time with the caregiver because what they really want is attention from their family member, but cutting off communication might just make her sense of desperation worse. They do get treated better with people checking up on them.

What about something to help her sleep through the night that's natural like melatonin? That way she can rest and you can rest too. I know this is a difficult time for you right now, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope that helps some. It's not easy watching a loved one struggling plus you having to alter things in your life too. I really know that when I went through the sickness with my husband, my whole life changed. It was and always will be by the Grace of God I was able to endure and love him through it all. Just keep loving her. Ask the Father to give you more Grace and His supernatural love to continue on. asiC

Imho, this is very upsetting for you. Perhaps you could tell the Rehab Facility of these multi messages. Prayers sent.

Dear Loutre, I would suggest having her medication reviewed, could one of them be causing something like this? Also, what is the evening nursing staff observing of her, does she really need any help? My Uncle has become nocturnal on occassion and calls me in the middle of the night, but its usually only one call. I hope that when she starts PT & OT she is tired enough to sleep thru the night, if not I would suspect something with her meds, get a list and see what she is on. Review list of meds with her primary doctor if you can, you will get an objective answer.

Ask if the facility has a sitter for her at night or see if you can hire a sitter if it comes to that.

A lot of these place put people in bed for the night, no lights, no tv before 730 pm and seldom, if at all, check on them until the next morning 11-13 hours later, alone, in the dark, unable to get anything for themselves, pressing a call button can go unanswered for hours.
If she can dial a phone, chances are this is what is happening to her
1 leave a bathroom light or night light on
And leave a note on the wall for staff to leave a light on at night
2 leave a tv or radio on
3 have things she might want at arms length for her on night stand or bedside tray
For drinks juice boxes or Capri Sun are good, less spills, and easy snacks, salty and sweet (we got little Debbie snacks)
Keep her supply of snacks in sealed tupperware style containers so they dont attract bugs, and on days you cant go to see her arrange for staff to set out a drink or two and 1 or 2 snacks that she can easily reach without getting out of bed during the night.

These places are nightmares at night time.

You may want to put a nanny cam or 2 in her room so you can check in on her

Glad that you're turning off your phone. Don't listen to the messages.

Is there any way to have her phone shut off at night too? This is just CRAZY! It might be helpful if you could block her number, not in a mean way but for your sanity? If there's an actual problem, staff WILL call you. You can call her every day to check in, if you wish to.

I used to keep my land line off at night. The facility was instructed to call me on my cell phone if there was ever an emergency. That being said, there were times that my dad called me to complain that no one was coming to help him (with toileting, for example). I would instruct him to press the call button which he would do. We would visit on the phone as I would keep my eye on the clock. There were times that 30 to 40 minutes or more would pass which I found unacceptable. I would then say goodbye to dad, hang up, and call the nurse's station to alert them. One can't always get the attention they deserve in quick fashion, but no patient should be neglected and sadly this occurs frequently. Third shift is often understaffed. I guess what I am trying to say is that her repeated calls could have some validity. If she is unable to get a good night's sleep, it will interfere with her recovery. I think you are right in thinking that the more PT and OT she receives, the better she'll sleep at night, but bear in mind that for many it is too noisy to get a good night's sleep in hospitals and rehabs. I hope your mom recovers quickly now that she is through the ordeal and delay of quarantine. Hang in there!

This isn’t so simple. In the first place, your mother should not have fallen in a care facility. Patient falls are a red flag that a facility is understaffed or has poorly trained workers. Some facilities now are putting new employees to work with four hours of training because there is a shortage of trained workers who are willing to work for low wages and high risk.

It doesn’t sound like your mom is calling without reason. She’s not voicing purely emotional complaints about the place being bad. She’s got specific complaints about people not answering her call button, for example. That means they aren’t answering her call button. How would you feel about lying in bed for hours waiting for someone to help you to the toilet? Eventually having to pee yourself and then being chastised by an overworked aide? Maybe being forced to wear a diaper because they can’t or won’t help, and your personal discomfort is a small price to pay?

Of course if you call the facility they will assert that nothing is wrong. I personally spent time with my mom when she was in rehab for a short time. I come in, her call light is on, no one is there to help her to the toilet and I’m not allowed to help. The hallway is filled with people in wheelchairs parked by the staff. (I found out later the place was being investigated for over medication to keep patients docile.) At the nurse’s station are three people sitting and chatting about the weekend. And how much do they charge for this level of care? I relay my mom’s request for toilet help, they say they are getting to it, it’s another 20 minutes. If that’s how they act when there is family present and observing, how do you think they act when a patient is alone and helpless?

When a patient has specific complaints about lack of attention and bad food, at least investigate, and that doesn’t mean call the manager. Go there at meal time and see what the food is like. Taste it. Does it look appetizing? Is it dried out and tough? Cold? How long does it take someone to respond to a call button - both the initial speakerphone response and having a person show up? With COVID you might not be able to get into the facility. Is there a window you can stand outside of?

Check with the local regulatory bodies for complaints filed, lawsuits, judgements, fines, warnings and the like. AARP has a dedicated page on their website with helpful advice and contact info. Maybe your mom could be moved to a better-run facility. A lonely and frightened person calling in the middle of the night for comfort, you might have to not take the calls. But if there really is neglect, and the facility is covering it up, it’s cruel.

One suggestion...I bought my parents a “GrandPad” which is a tablet with restricted functionality for seniors. They can listen to music, read articles, play games, get email and photos and phone or video calls but only from a restricted list of group members. The cellular service is from Consumer Cellular but the GrandPad support is a separate line. When I first got it for them, Support called several times to see if they needed any help. They called me to ask if we needed any help with the device. They stressed that my parents should call them any time with questions. I said, be careful, they might call to talk your ear off. The rep laughed and said that would be fine. I’m not suggesting they are a suitable replacement for middle of the night help, but maybe just knowing that someone is available would be reassuring. Patients could also send messages or pictures. “I just pushed the call button and it’s 8 pm”. “It’s 9:30 and no one has been here” “Here’s what they brought me to eat.” The Support people can walk your parent through how to do all that, and the device can use voice commands as well as the screen keyboard,

Hello. You may be able to unplug your phone line from the back of your answering machine unit and the caller will get only continual ringing.

youll have to remember to replug it in of course and set up another way for emergency calls.

Keep lines of communication open. After the first call, call the nurse right away and ask her to go check on your mom. Ask the nurse to please call you back with a report of what happened. Tell your mom that the only way you can care for her in the middle of the night is to call the nurse. Then be sure to do it every time. This will not take long before this issue stops, They will be sure your mom has everything she needs . They might even check on her more often. I suspect that they will.
‘Buy your mom a large digital wristwatch with a lighted dial. ( I had one sent via Amazon right to facility and I called to ask someone help her get it set correctly.) My mom often does not understand if it’s morning or evening.
Call your mom to say good night to her every night. Tell her you will call her in the morning, Tell her what time it is.
I had awful calls but I had to answer. I did not ever ever want my mother to feel abandoned. Even if it was not true, I never want her to think that. She can call me anytime she wants. And yes, I have had some very rough calls, You would not believe it.
With these tips, (It’s what I did) , my mother soon stopped calling me at night.
She has to know that you will always be there for her, when she is reassured that you are taking care of her by constant communication with staff , she will stop,

I've been dealing with that for the last year or so and Mom still lives here at home. My Mom is relentless though. She gone on to do it for 3.5 straight hours! She'd fill my VM that holds 100 messages in 2 hours with 7-15 sec messages; Even with a note on the phone saying I'm sleeping for work. She'd also call work the same way & frequency filling my boss' VM between 9p-11p. I had no choice but to block her number and so did my boss, but only after 10p. Even with her number blocked, she keeps calling; which I've seen on my Ring camera. There's nothing you can do but either block her number or ask the nursing home to have her phone turned off for outgoing calls at 10p. There's no other way since she her short term memory is gone. Even if the nurse did bring her water 10 min ago, she won't remember it. At this stage, blocking is your only option when you decide to go to bed so your VM doesn't get completely filled during the night.

Request a sleep aid for her at night. Melatonin and magnesium works for some.
others need something stronger but they normally won’t give it to them because the risk of fall goes way up if she bed ridden then maybe you can fight for it.
if your concern the facility is not doing your job put a spy camera in it. Some of these places are really horrible and we should always believe our loved one first until otherwise.
my mother in law used to call my husband 300 times a day.
I’m not making up that number. We watched her on the camera and she actually would sit hit dial it would ring and she would hang up and do it all again. She denied doing it even when we showed her the video. Needless to say I took her phone away. You could request that her phone be removed from her room.
to be frank when people feel guilty what they do if it becomes to much is hide and avoid. You have every RIGHT in order to help her to ignore a nuisance phone calls as long as you know and have proof the rehab is doing there jobs. She should be sleeping at night and you can’t be her VOICE if you feel guilty. Please know my heart and hugs go out to you. If you ever need to talk I would be happy to listen.