It's been a long saga with my parents. Dad had been in a memory care home for 3 years and died a few weeks ago. In his absence from their house, mom has done nothing but sit in self-pity and drink and pop pills, while her health keeps deteriorating. We are at the point where falls are frequent and she's had multiple broken bones in the past year. Oh, and lucky me, her house is 3 doors down from me.
Mom's drinking & falling have resulted in multiple 911 calls, hospital stays, and now 5 stays in a mental health hospital since mid-2018. She recently spent 3 weeks in the mental hospital, had two severe falls, lots of confusion, etc. The hospital directors called me in for a meeting and we all agreed she is no longer safe at home and they said they would only discharge her somewhere safe with their own direct transport. I was 100% in agreement.
Off I go to tour ALs. I found the absolute Taj Mahal, $6,000/month, in a wing where she will get more structure than regular AL but not rising to the level of MC. I picked a beautiful little apartment with a view of a city dog park. Spent a day decorating and getting it all ready.
Now she says I've dumped her there to die and she wants to be released. She is in a wheelchair and needs medication management. I am an only child, work 6-7 days a week. There is no other family and my mom has no friends. I told her she has destroyed my life but she does not believe it. My parents' decline has been an ongoing saga for 8-9 years now, continually getting worse, and I am left as a shell of a person, trying to hang on to what I have left. I start seeing a therapist next month to deal with my issues.
Anybody have any thoughts on her rights to demand to come back to her home? I am in new territory. When I placed dad in MC, of course he did not want to stay, but his cognitive situation overrode his ability to make his own decisions. If my mom comes home I'm afraid it's going to be the end of me.
Your mother is now in the same situation. She is unsafe to live anywhere except someplace that is safe for a person in a wheelchair and where she has 24/7 assistance.
activities as her? notify staff so they can spend some qualified
time with her when u are not there
May I suggest that you meet with an administrator or supervisor on a regular basis? Once a month a first would work. Schedule an appointment and bring up any situations your mother mentions, so that you get the facility's take on it. They have seen it all and handled it all and may have suggestions for you. Ask how often she joins activities - from someone reading the newspaper to them in the recreation area, to chair exercises, to craft classes, to special events such as musicians who come to entertain.
To outsiders who seemed sympathetic my MIL would have sounded like the loneliest person on earth who just sat in her room all day with no family to visit, no mail, no phone calls. She had been tossed aside to rot.
The AL people would tell you that she played piano in the recreation room, received mail several times a week, had a son and DIL who visited at least twice a week and always brought her something - cookies, photos, clothing - and took her out to eat at least once a week.
Mom can demand to go home all she wants. You do not have to meet those demands. Do you have durable Power of Attorney and access to her accounts? Whether you do, or do not, speak with an eldercare attorney to be sure that you are in control of funds, or find out what you need to do. It will give you more peace of mind that mom won't do anything crazy financially.
The sooner you prepare her home for sale to pay for the dog-view-apartment the better. Property taxes are probably due in the spring.
Motivated sellers put houses on the market at the end of March/early April. Hire an estate liquidator to clean out the house. Clean empty houses show best. Hire a professional realtor who knows the neighborhood. Ask for references.
I would not rent out the house because you are going to be the one managing the property and acting like the landlord and that's a lot of work and headache.
Your mother's needs are only going to increase and that's going to cost money. Sell the house and put the proceeds into an investment vehicle for her. Talk to your financial advisor about her options.
When my mother was semi-able to think halfway straight-- she was alittle upset in the beginning, but came to love her new home and took part in the activities and entertainment. Use all the ammunition you have to keep her in there. In the beginning my mom thought she was in a hotel.... and thought she would go home. Then she had to be put in the assisted living next door because she wandered twice in the winter in knee deep snow no less. By that time she was in decline and was more open to our lead. Tell her you love her and do what is necessary. And forget about fancy places unless you want to run out of funds early.
It's good that you are seeing a therapist, you need the support. You have done your best for your Mom. Now, you need to do what you need to do to "save" yourself.
G-d bless you.
That being said: you must take charge of your life, NOT play martyr& tell Mom this is how it’s going to be: here’s what I can do and the rest will have to be procured from available resources. Good luck: I was in your shoes. Remember you have a right to put your life first- you must, if you’re providing difficult support!
The frequent falls were causing broken bones and it was a safety issue.
If she lives AL and goes back home that she will be on her own and risking another fall or worse.
I would sell the house since she can't live there safely anymore.
No house means she'll have to accept living in the AL.Goodluck
I've been through this twice when dad moved to AL, which he later loved...and then again with his move to LTC. Which to this day he’s not thrilled with. But hey..I’m not the one who is declining.
I too had to have therapy and even had to stay away from him once for several months until he calmed down. Please do not capitulate to your mom's sulking etc. She doesn’t have the where with all to make decisions that are in her best interests. You have done your best. Time for you to take a break and let mom carry on.
most of us in our lives have thought a person was doing or intending something and later find out we misunderstood. People who feel unwanted and are unable to elicit warmth from others may try to express their needs in unusual ways.
To assume people with dementia are deliberately trying to undermine those we need the most is often misinterpretation of the GOAL of the behavior.
I am hoping some who have suffered from the rants and rages and weird stuff that happens as a brain breaks down will consider it easier on everyone to wonder about the goal of the behavior.
When a brain shrinks, is starved, and connections fail it brings a sense of terror and whatever I say or do in that condition is to just feel safer in some way. Sometimes in my mind I struggle with what is coming across from my tone, words, actions and I can not stop it or change it. Not because I want to keep being misunderstood, or cruel, or to hurt but from desperation to be understood.
The broken brain is forgotten, we are held to account like we have a choice.
My hope is caregivers learn to interpret words and actions from a damaged brain with a perspective that is not punitive.
One day I was very hurt and tired when caring for my dad and I cried. My mother told to Go home! My dad who had dementia came over to me and patted my knee and said to my mom, "some kids on the playground were mean to her." He was so right, there were no kids on a playground but he knew what I felt.
Not understanding difference between a brain malfunction expressing a need and hate or malicious intent will lead to more of same and make it worse, Once you get it, the words and actions are like puzzles to solve.
My dad wanted to drive his car, my mother would fight with him about it. He loved his car, I set us up to wash it in driveway and he was so happy. She still thought he was trying to fight with her and washing the car was to get back at her.
We don't yell at blind people and say "You could see that table if you wanted to! You're just trying to get me to..."
This is why some people do better in assisted living - the care giver is paid and learned to not take offence. They don;t take it personally.
We can feel the tension, it lowers our ability to function.
Our behavior is kind of the like the person who is drowning and waving for help to person on shore, and the person on shore waves back instead of rescuing them because that is what they see.
One can learn to stop taking offense.
Also would like to share that CBD oil (not hemp oil but from a dispensary) calms me incredibly fast, and is being used by thousands of us to great success. I can type, walk further, sometimes cook, within 15 minutes of dose, low THC for day, and dose with THC for night for sleep.
Taking puffs of certain strains also instantly calms me - even if in a rage state (don't have rages since using it). Cheap, no bad side effects, often makes me happy or allows me to be creative.
Life changing.
The treatment for Alzheimer's is proper environment for the individual and I am certain being around people who loathe the sight of us is not the place to go through a terrifying and difficult terminal illness.
I took care of my Dad part time, more as needed. We were communicating on his level, knowing he spoke in metaphors, or with his eyes. I did not keep telling him "You already said that!". He was lucky, in his own home, my Mom was reluctantly there. We paid a guy to shower him. I loved that he learned to trust me. Staying at his side while the week he died was one of the most loving experiences of my life. We healed our troubled past during his illness.
I believe the idea we are less than human and deserving of all the insults and ways to cut us off you all found delightful, is why there is no public effort to give everyone with dementia the chance to be away from people who hate the job of support person. It is a living hell for us too, so that should erase some of any guilt anyone ever has about placing us somewhere. But we are toxic and disposable.
Your Mom is thriving away from your distress, good for her, although even when she says "this is fine don't worry" all of you assume she is playing you.
You can't believe we are incompetent and playing mind games. Maybe we are reacting to danger from our gut brains. When you become helpless things come across differently in both speaking and listening, part of illness.
Congratulations to so many of you on success in maintaining your own lives.
Yes, please put us some place we might like (view of dog park was exactly right) and let those who care, lobby for more places that are not $4000+ a month and let us have a place to remain human and give us a gentle end.
Not having the money seems to put a damper on the disgust, a family who has to stay together may be best option, if there is enough support. I found a dog was a great help to my Dad's peace of mind. Everyone abandoned us like they abandoned me when I was diagnosed.
American style dementia care. Merry Christmas.
This forum is not for the patient, it is for caregivers to have a safe place to vent so we can continue to help our unreasonable, selfish parents.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you all very much, it's been horrible doing this all alone and dealing with the emotional sh*t-storm that has come along with it. This forum has been my sounding board and voice of reason since 2014 and I really appreciate you all.
Let her rant and you don’t even have to listen to it if you don’t want to. You know that this is best for both of you.
You have gone above and beyond what is called for. You went out of your way to find a lovely place and it would be wonderful if she showed some appreciation instead of complaining about living in a place that is not only attractive but where she will receive good care.
I’m afraid you may have to emotionally and perhaps physically detach from her. She will receive care from the staff. Even if it’s temporary. Take a break! You need it! You can check with the staff on her progress without seeing your mom. I’m in the same boat as MidKid. I no longer have a relationship with my mom. It is what it is. I’m in therapy and doing what I have to do in order to cope.
She is expecting entirely too much from you and I feel like you are totally aware of that. You do not wish to be manipulated by her demands and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do.
Honestly, she has set you up for resentment so how can she complain about any backlash that she has received by you.
Truly, the only backlash that she has received is your expressing your feelings on feeling as if she has ruined your life and you had a right to tell her how you felt.
You have dedicated more than many others would have to her so you have nothing to feel guilty about. You know that you made the correct choice to move forward in your life by finding suitable living arrangements for her. I am only confirming what you already know. This is long overdue!
Resume your life. I am glad you are tending to your emotional well being by seeing a therapist soon. I wish you well. You deserve to spend your remaining days happy and at peace.
Sending you a bazillion hugs and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.