Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

I don't have the 'right' answrs, lol...but my Mom was like that and the only thing i could do was try. I would go into her room and give her a big smile and say Hi...You are looking good. Sometimes she would submit to that, and others she would go bk into her depression. Just remember, we can only do our best, so try not to let it get you down too. I think that when they become so old, they can't think of anything to talk about because they have lost interest in tv; reading; etc and don't have a lot of people coming to see them. Even myself, i'm getting ready to go back to work now, and i know it will change my conversations when i actually have something to talk about while meeting people and seeing old customers. (Jst an insight).

Understand please that aging is a sad and depressing proposition. She is losing control. But she might be lonely too. She won't be able to help that because she might be too depressed to help herself. I think you might talk to the doctor about this without her knowledge. I did that with my Mom when I knew that she had a doctor's appointment. You can have one way communication with her doctor and just tell him/her what symptoms you are seeing. My Mom was nasty, negative - I didn't know who she was! Sure enough, she was depressed and in 2 days of taking a pill, she was the old gal again. She was lonely too and when she realized that, we sold her house and moved her to retirement living, where she is so happy! She has friends, stuff to do, and NO responsibility! Hope this helps.

I am so glad to hear from such a wide variety of people and many perspectives. I love my mother, but her negativity and anger when I least expect it have worn me down to the point I am going for counseling--again. If this were new behavior, I would think it was her current situation or her physical health, but this has been her tendency since my childhood. She can be warm and wonderful but I never know when she will lash out. I know I have to do my best to ensure she is okay, reasonably happy, gets out or has visits often (i am sometimes at her place 3 times a day) without sacrificing my own well-being, which I have done over and over and over again for years. I just want to say that I applaud those of you who are able to help your parent(s) and have found ways to make them happy. I also want to applaud all of us who are trying to find that balance for taking care of our very difficult parents and also ourselves. It is very challenging work. Hang in there, everybody.

I have the same type of problems with my mother too. She is still at home living on her own. She mainly sits in her comfortable chair and watches tv..... AND WANTS to know why we don't want to come over. We ate lunch at a restaurant with her yesterday. That went well. She could help so many people really bad off, but she complains about her pain. Or mainly just complains about President Obama and everything else she hears about on the news. I would suggest changing the subject. She does not say much about the Prez anymore because I have told her on several occasions I did not want to hear any more about it. Also, sometimes I have said I have to go. Good night. She does not talk a lot about this any more. Also, older folks, especially women, may not have worked in 60 years. They have forgotten what it was like to have several children, or several dogs, or other interests, and think we just sit home every day with nothing to do. Also, some of us still work full time or part time and have our husbands, friends, church, etc. These folks could often make a positive difference in the world for themselves and other people, but do not feel any need to do so. They only want their children around who are busy. I think the DEMAND for the children to do this or that and not getting compliance from their children generates the anger they feel as many spent the majority of their 20s 30s mostly taking care of their children - US. Also, the economy is not what it once was, and many of us including me and my husband still work part-time out of necessity. This does not leave a lot of time for other things. And we do not feel very good either... with health issues of our own.

My mom seemed to LIKE being mad about something pretty much all the time. I think anger releases adrenaline and would help her think and communicate better. Now she can scarcely say a word. I have to admit that I don't miss the constant complaining... and it was constant. Changing the subject works for about 2 minutes. We should have tried an ant-depressant much earlier.

It is so refreshing to have this forum. I am glad in a way that I have others who feel the same as I. I felt guilty about feeling the same way about my mother and her complaining. I now see that it is common. I wish all of you the best!

Get a bell to take with you when you visit her. Explain that each time she says something negative you're going to ring the bell. Then do it!
When she says something nice, give her a candy (or some other treat.)
Hey, make a game of it. Keep score. Good Luck! You gotta laugh!

Chimonger: I had to laugh about your expression about the elder thinking they were "Jolly Sunshine!" Good one!

HeartoHeart,

I"m glad that you have this place to vent safely!

The old "brought up to not talk about our family".still exists and is one of the most dysfunctional ways to hide all sorts of family secrets that don't get talked about sometimes even with other family members, but sometimes they already know. I wish people would let go of that unhealthy way of being a family.

I grew up that was and so did my wife. Many years down the road, I learned that what I thought was a family secret within just my family was known by her sister. Again, that is a very unfortunate way grow up and to live.

I hope you keep getting free from that background.

During my husband's last few months, I found that taking him to work with me (we have our own business) even if he couldn't do anything, was good for him. We could ask him questions, and people would stop by and chat with him. I noticed that after he had been at home for two days over the weekend, it was hard to get him up and going on Monday. Every day got easier, and by Friday he was getting himself up.

"All you can do is all you can do and that's enough". My Mom doesn't like to be around people her age- and any emotional investment in friendship is just too too much. The situation is obviously not only frustrating you but hurting you (I know ! Me too ! Funny how that works...) since with all your love and smarts you can't 'fix it' or make it better for either or both of you. Look up this book: "The Four Agreements". It's helped me to stay sane. I have no time for a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g since my 'roomie' of six years (92 yr old Mom) recently has a bout of sepsis, and strep infection from a UTI, three weeks in hospital/rehab (yes we slept there too) and cannot be left alone at all- ever. (It's a challenge to get time to go to the bathroom, let alone have a meal or meditate/pray.). Be happy you are WORKING. Be happy you get to GO HOME. Also be prepared because things will change quickly. Don't wait for her to take the next step- your call on that one. Stay strong - you can do it. Keep in touch.

She may not drive the car, but having it gave her comfort knowing she had the ability to come and go as she pleases. Losing a loved one is hard, and helping a love one who is trying to cope with it is even harder. Sometimes you have to be the authority, set her appointments for her around your schedule, get her out of that house. Out and about, seeing others, being places, may not sound like much, but it does improve their attitude. My husband had a stroke, he was always on the go, doing for others and for a year now he has only me to help. I found that his attitude changes to the better if he gets out and about once a day. We don't even have to go far, a gallon of milk, a trip to the post office, doesn't matter. So every day I plan a trip. I don't care if I forgot something at the store, another trip. Lunch out or Dinner, they see people they know, that freedom, that fresh air helps more than you think. Talking about moments, great moments, family, friends, life, also helps a great deal. Don't just listen, which we have to do, help by talking about great things, explain to her that you love her and want your mom back, you had fun then and you can have it again, if you work together. What makes us feel great is the same that makes them feel great. Out with friends, fresh air and sunshine, and special moments with a loved one. Meds don't always work, but love does.

I feel your pain. My 80 year old mother doesn't complain as much about her infirmities as compared to how "America isn't America anymore", etc. If I hear she's dropped dead (and she wishes she was dead), I am to get down on my knees and thank God (her words not mine). Almost every conversation or every other is filled with the same dialogue. Pointing out that you've heard it all before doesn't make a difference to her. My mother is not someone who would take an anti-depressant...she's not interested in anything that will alter her mind. I have come to the realization that she isn't going to change and the only person I can change is me but I am also the only one who is there for her because of her personality. I hold the phone away from my ear when she rants and raves; I change the subject to something else; or if the call's being going on for awhile, I find I might need to use the restroom or the doorbell is ringing or I have another call coming in, etc. She's been fairly negative most of her life, and, at times, didn't speak to me for 2-3 years at a time because of who I was dating or who I married. I just accept that this is the way she is and try to not let it affect me. You can choose your friends but not your family. If we were not related, she is not someone I would have as a friend but she is my mother and the only one I will have. Fortunately for me there have been other women in my life who were more "motherly" to me than my own. My mother and I live on opposite sides of the country. I do what I can do to handle my mother. In her own way I know she loves me and I love her but don't often like her or the things she says. So I guess I'd say accept that how she is won't change and do what you can to bear it...wear earplugs with an ipod or something. If she says she doesn't like something, tell her she doesn't have to. I agree using breathing exercises while there, listening to loud uplifting music as you drive away and meditation to calm down after a visit may help. Sometimes it helps just knowing you are not alone in having to deal with this type of issue. Take care of yourself and hang in there...sending hugs your way.

jeweltone.....sooooo happy you broke off your relationship...and are now happy!! i think your response because it's first hand info...will help others!!

sandra93...of course you're lonely....but complaining to family will only make it worse. is there a senior center by your house? my mother was picked up daily, per senior city but...and taken to the center for lunch with about 40 seniors. she loved it. there is a senior service center there that helps seniors who are having problems...of any kind. good luck...

Turmoiled, would a corset or brace to support the spine help?

I2understand made some good points. I try and think my mom might be lonely or bored and she can't express that so she lets her depression or boredom or whatever color her talk. It's hard to be neutral with family sometimes, though. It's frustrating when you try and get them out and they refuse, too. I understand depression, having it myself, but when you try to nudge someone out who fights you left and right and refuses to even venture out for a cup of coffee on a 70-degree day, it's frustrating.

It's really hard to wear my heart on my sleeve, because as someone else said here "we were brought up to not talk about our family"... I've found it's been really unhealthy to keep it in which is why I value this site where we can have a voice anonymously. Yesterday, I once again tried to 'please' my mother by taking/accompanying her on a senior bus ride to a casino (which she loves)... I have to literally be with her most of the times as her balance is really bad, etc. Her name was called to go into a 'wind' machine to catch paper money with different denominations for 'promo' money on the machine. Since she couldn't go into this 'wind' machine, they were 'nice' enough to allow me to do this for her... Long story short... I gathered $500 in 'promo' points for her to play on slot machines... Anyway, instead of her being happy, she was really mean towards me and once again, the weekend ended in ruins. Can't win... and, my health is jeopardized... It's accumulative... I'm so happy to be at work today.

Hi Helpmemom, my heart goes out to you because I too am dealing with a similar situation. My Mom is 83 and a three time cancer survivor. Even with being a strong survivor, she has always had a rather negative mentality that seems to get worse the older she gets. It is very frustrating, and I truly understand. Since Dad passed a year ago, I realized that she just cannot live alone. There are two of us children, but my brother is married and has his own family. I'm divorced with two young children, so I brought her to live with me. I just can't bear the thought of her being in a facility unless she gets to a state that I cannot handle at home. And, I take her home almost every weekend to her house so that she doesn't have to feel so displaced and home sick. All of the before mentioned advice is good, but none of it may work for your situation, as it doesn't work for mine. She has no cartilage in her spine, so there's pressure on the nerves in her back which makes her hurt most of the time & for the first time in her life, she cannot walk without her Rollator. Mom is depressed, but guess what, when we tried to medicate her with the antidepressants, the meds interfere with her sodium level. When her sodium drops, she can't walk or move her legs at all because apparently she's allergic to ingredients in the antidepressants. So imagine, depressed, hurting, displaced from your normal surrounding (home), can't take depression meds, husband that you've been with for over 50 years is gone, and you are constantly wondering how much longer you have to live feeling this way. I imagine, just like with myself, the older you get the less tolerant you get of the negativity that you've actually been dealing with your whole life. You just have to understand that you're doing all you can do and let her do what she needs to do until she can't do it anymore. Hear and don't hear. If she has any favorite songs, when she starts the negativity, don't get angry, just maybe start singing a beautiful song that she loves and it will take her to a happy place. She's doing the best she knows how and although it's taxing on you, believe me, she's in a much worse place than you. My Mom keeps talking about calling my Dad to come back and get her. I just remind her that he would have stayed with her if he had a choice, and it's not up to him when it's her time to go. I've had to hire a full-time caregiver to be with her while I'm at work, which is expensive. So with that and maintaining her home, it's strenuous. My brother helps a little when he can. My Mom goes to the Senior Center here everyday for chair exercises, bean bag games and bingo. It was hard to get her to go at first, but after a year and a little pampering, she gave in, so at least I get to see her smile a little more often. And, it helps that I work for the City, and I'm in the office building right next door, so I can take my break and go over to see her. She loves that. She says that she hates being a burden on me, but I just keep reassuring her that if I didn't want her with me, she wouldn't be here. She's trying, but she just feels useless at this stage in her life. But, I just keep loving on her anyway. I work full-time too. As a matter of fact, I have a full & a part-time, plus I'm doing on-line grad school. Believe it or not, all of this keeps me focused on the positive instead of the negative. It keeps me from having time to allow her to depress me. I hope that knowing that you are not alone helps you some. Sometimes what you need is just an understanding ear. I'm here for you if you need to talk. God loves you and so do I. You are a wonderful daughter. Just hang in there, you'll be blessed for it.

As Salisbury suggested, maybe there's a way to change the topic to something more positive? Maybe bringing pictures or something that plays music, talking about a movie you saw, asking her the words to a song, singing, etc. Did she have a favorite actor or actress? Maybe you could "gossip" about their lives....

You don't sound uncaring or unsupportive to me. You just sound like you're at the end of your rope like a lot of us are. I too have a very negative mother- same situation. All I can do is shoot back with a positive comment for every one of her negative comments. I turn every one of them around and it does seem to help. I point out the fact that many have it way worse than her and she cheers up. Of course, it only lasts a day or so, so I just keep it up. Try to keep in mind that although this feels like forever, it's not. Hang in there and know that you did all you could for her.

Good question for Helpmemom has not posted since they started this thread. I did not look in detail, but I did see a post that spook up in defense of helpmemom which led me to believe that earlier posts may have included some judgmental ones.

Total support of you, helpmemom; try this one day: "Gosh mom, that does sound really bad. So, what are you going to do about it?" And keep returning to the "hmm, awful; now what are you going to do about it?" If it's making an appointment, then help her make the appointment. But if it just devolves into more negativity, you can say, "sounds like this is not anything you can act on or solve; are you better off complaining about it, or moving on?" This totally infuriated my very negative (and crazy) mother, but it finally shut her up." Good luck---it is really hard dealing with a negative parent when you want to live a positive life!

Just wondering... has the original poster come back? I didn't see anything else from them.

Do you go to her Doctor appts with her? Two sets of ears are better that one. If she goes alone you may not be getting the whole story. She needs to go outside everyday. A porch, a walk in the drive way.. Especially in the afternoons. Are the times with her worse in the afternoons? She could have a UTI? Get copies of her test results and see what is done. What are some of the things that you enjoyed with your Mother when you were young. Talk about those. She probably would like a ride in the car. Point out nice things. Is she eating healthy? Drinking water? Talk to her doctors.

While super positive people are often hiding how they really are behind a mask, negative people are depressing.

Negative people are draining because as someone said somewhere on this site that they often outsource their problems instead of owning them, dealing with them and I would add instead of getting professional help when needed.

People will sympathize to a point, but if you aren't dealing with things and reaching out for the help that they can't give but they hope you will get, they get worn out and leave for their own emotional self-protection. I think that others sacrifice themselves thinking people are going to change who are not going to change which is unrealistic and presumptuous, plus they were emotionally groomed to be so sacrificial.

Try giving her Tincture of Cannabis, takes the edge off and the negativity.

Why do people shrink from negative people? I prefer them over overly positive folk. Over positive people seem fake to me.

Lets be real about this okay. Put yourself in her shoe just for a day. don't clean your home or go out to the gardening and do on your time how you like it to be not how some one else does it(because you cant), don't go to the store or to the doctors until some one can take you(because you can't drive). Don't drive a car because someone sold it. Wake up alone because your husband died on you and your children wanted a life without you. Lets see what you can find good to talk about. I am putting it this way so you can see that when your always alone it is down right hard to find happiness in a day you cant control do to self and others willing to help you and all you have to look forward to is dying.

Photo albums work .....places she went and liked enough to take pics of will mean she has positive things to say about them