My dear mom passed a month ago. She was in failing health since 2023. Lots of ER trips, hospitalizations, rehab, move to assisted living, etc. Now that she’s gone I feel exhausted having to talk to people who mean well in asking how I’m doing. I met a friend this morning and afterwards felt wiped out. Has anyone felt a need for just peace and solitude after a mom’s passing?
I would like to add this forum was a great resource for me over time. I learned so much!
son’s house for a week and allowed him and his wife to take care of me. A bit of solitude and reflection for me. Best of luck!!! You will recuperate.
How´s your journey of loss going?
I just read something that Dallas Willard, a famous Biblical author wrote. I'm hoping it'll be an encouragement to you.
Blessings.
Knowing When to Talk and Not to Talk
When we stop talking, we abandon ourselves to reality and to God. We position ourselves to attend rather than to adjust things with our words. We stop our shaping and negotiating, our “spinning.” How much of our energy goes into that! We let things stand. We trust God with what others shall think.
Of course there is a time to talk, as there is a time to be with others. But we are not safe and rich in talk and companionship unless our souls are strong in solitude and silence. If we have heard the good news and have come to trust our Savior, he will meet with us through extensive solitude and silence to stabilize his love, joy, and peace in us. His character will increasingly become ours—easily, thoroughly. You rarely find any person who has made great progress in the spiritual life who did not at some point have much time in solitude and silence.
From The Great Omission: Reclaiming Jesus's Essential Teachings on Discipleship. Copyright © 2006 by Dallas Willard. All rights reserved. Used with permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
Reading your recent loss of your mother and all that has been going on since 2023 I am not surprised you are exhausted. My Mom died on March 7 so I understand somewhat about your loss. While you we physically there for your mother I didn't have any ability to care for my Mom as my brother took complete control and cut me off. It hurt deeply to be isolated from her care.
Some things I have done is set up a memorial center for my Mom that I can light a candle if I'm up early in the morning. My own time of reflection which includes some hard things from the past but also what good things I had in my relationship to her. Also others in the family.
I have a personal therapist that I can share with. Most importantly my friends I can call when I need to. When I talked with one friend and told her I felt tired she suggested taking a nap. I did. Your body needs time to recover and maybe you need more sleep than usual. Take care of yourself.
Also I attend a grief share group at times online. Usually it's a group where you can share or not share. Just listening to where others on their journey of loss can be helpful. Just do not compare yourself to other stories. You are unique and you have your own story.
I'm not always good about putting down my feelings and thoughts in writing but sometimes that helps. What works for you to process this long time care for your mother and the final loss?
When someone asks you how you are doing decide ahead of time who is asking and how much you really want to share. Even saying I can't talk about this right now is okay. Or if it's a closer friend maybe express how exhausted you are about all this? Simply telling people how exhausting it is to share at this time? It is self care to how when? who? how much? you need to say.
Take care during this process of recovery. It doesn't happen overnight but little by little take care of yourself and not others. Blessings, Julie
its hard but will get easier - time
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this is one of those times when you just have to look after yourself and tell people -text them all - thx for your well wishes I really appreciate it - I now need some quiet time to process it all so I’ll be absent for a while whilst I take a rest
turn off phone if you have to..
stop meeting people if it’s draining you
you just need some quiet me time
Not too long tho as you trip into a lonely place avoiding people
..
I found years ago when I lost my mum it helped to keep a routine .. not a heavy one .. it
saved the over thinking.
it’s nice btw people have reached out to you and given you support. It is tho as you say - you need quiet time to mentally and physically rest and process it all
Health wise - a vitamin tonic ( I find the liquid ones better) and concentrate on eating healthy helps
may e even a daily walk refreshing and clearing your head
even ‘around the block’
best wishes to you
My mom passed a couple months ago and nothing/nobody seems to comfort me as I miss her terribly. Nobody knows what I went through or how much my mom fought as she was my rock every day. Even when I didn’t feel well with palpitations a couple weeks before her death, she told me to “go to Dr …I would have waited for you “ Hugs 🤗
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom recently too. We often had a strained and rocky relationship but she was my mother and I miss her. No matter how old a person gets they always miss their mothers I think.
Recalls a letter to Dear Abby, where a husband and wife patronized a medical facility for care for many years. Wife did nice things for some of the staff there. Wife passed. When the husband went back, the same staff that his wife was nice to and also bought food to, did not even know him.
He was upset, but Abby mentioned maybe this was their way of dealing with the death, and suggested for him to forgive them.
Personally, after my wonderful mom passed, many people she dealt with (even her sister) dropped off, except one wonderful couple .
I am sorry for your loss.
I did things with people but it was exhausting. It is okay to build up your strength. I needed a lot of peace and solitude for many months.
You can give yourself small check in times where you say after 2 months I will reassess if I'm ready to start spending time with others again on a more regular basis. Take your time and use grief counseling services to help you.
It's been 6 months since my mom died after taking care of her for over 6 years. I'm just recently starting to hang out with people or do "normal" things on a regular basis. I think if you push yourself you will burn out and crash and then you'll take a lot longer time to recover. There's no single way to grieve, nor a set time to do it in. In the past people wore black for at least a year to signal they were in mourning, and people knew to give them grace. They still tell you to avoid making any big decisions for at least a year after someone you love dies.
Please, give your friends some grace. They mean well. You are fortunate to have people locally who know you. I'd have given anything for this.
I did have one old friend from where I used to live send a nice present to me, Thank God for her. Thank God for far away distant friends on Facebook, too.
Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Your close friends nearby love you, please allow them to support you during your loss and recovery. I promise it will make you feel better.
My fil’s hospital system was affiliated with the hospice mil chose. All their group sessions are open to the community, and whoever is running them should be able to refer you to a certified grief counselor.
So take this time now to take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to let well meaning folks know how you're really doing when asked. You don't have to pretend that all is well.
And if you need time to be by yourself, then just be by yourself. You get to call the shots now.
I am sorry for your loss.