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Mom is 94 and has a bad hip, copd, and now dental issues. She lost my Dad three years ago, her 13 year old dog passed away within months also. She was living alone until last fall when my sister and I convinced her to move to a senior apartment within five minutes of us. It’s a wonderful place with activities and caring residents. I’ve tried to get her to interact with the other residents, but she doesn’t hear well so shuts down. She is older than most others there, but insists that she can take care of herself and doesn’t want assisted living. She has been getting along okay except for her overwhelming unhappiness. She wants her old life back. Every visit or phone call always ends up with a laundry list of everything she has given up. Her health is failing and she’s becoming frail, so needs more help than she’s willing to get. She is angry and resentful over the smallest things we do to help her. Any offer of help is met with objections and a fight. When we moved her near us, I envisioned taking care of her. Getting her groceries, taking her places, having lunch or dinner together, or just doing my best to take care of her. She has fought us all the way, never saying thank you for anything we do. My sister and I are doing everything we can to help her enjoy herself. I totally see how difficult it is for her to let go of the past, but it is killing part of me too. Her depression is becoming my depression. I took her to my doctor, but the doctor didn’t say anything other than it’s perfectly normal to grieve the loss of your independence. I can’t just stop visiting her, she’s been my best friend my whole life. I want to help her, but don’t know how. Sorry this is so long, any advice?

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I completely understand. You are describing my mom. She passed a year ago. She lived in a senior apartment like your mom, with nice people and activities. She hated it. And, the first signs of her dementia were when she claimed one of the male residents was stalking her.

I learned with my mom that there is nothing you can do to change how they feel. My mom was always negative and paranoid. As I’ve aged, I’ve come to understand a little about how she feels. It’s not fun to get old. I guess some people take it out on whoever is closest. Mom did. She didn’t really blame me, but vented to me every time I talked to her. As her dementia increased, her venting got worse only now it was about impossible happenings. I didn’t try to make her happy other than bringing her candy and snacks, pictures of her great grandson (she had no idea who they were but liked the photos anyway) I did what I could. It had to be enough.
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Thanks Hugemom, I’m sure this is the beginning of a long road. I keep in mind that it is just how close we have been all these years that makes her vent on me. She never blames me either, but now I’m looking at aging in a whole new way and it’s depressing.
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You can NOT be responsible for someone else's happiness. Something I learned first hand from taking care of my mother.
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Mother's behavior doesn't sound like clinical depression, at least not the kind that can be healed with a medication and chatting with a therapist. It sounds like overwhelming unhappiness, and mourning. When you lose something you cherish -- your spouse, your pet, your ability to drive -- it is normal to grieve. And your mother has a huge long list of things to grieve. I hope for her sake she will move beyond this and enjoy the time she has left, but it is possible this attitude is now permanent.

You, however, may benefit from a few sessions with a talk therapist, and possibly even a medication. Have you ever suffered from depression before? Even if this is "just the blues" and not clinical depression, talking about it with a trained third party can be very supportive.

Your mother has been your best friend your whole life. But she is no longer the mother you know and love. She is not quite herself. And, given her age, she will eventually leave you completely. I think you may be experiencing some anticipatory grief. Nothing "crazy" about that, but you deserve whatever support you can arrange. Another possible source of support is a caregiver support group. And this site!

(BTW I am not qualified in any way to give medical or psychiatric advice, in person or at a distance! I'm just sharing my opinion based on experience.)
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The only thing I can suggest would be agreeing with her then try redirecting her.
Mom-"I can't get around like I used to."
You-"I've noticed that. It must frustrate you."
Then let her vent for a few sentences. Nip it with "That's why sis and I wanted you closer to us so we can help you. Fortunately there are others here who can help you too. That makes us feel so much better. We love you."

By letting her know that you hear what she's saying and sympathize with her, she'll feel more comfortable. But stopping the whine and pointing out the positives hopefully will put her on a more positive (and thankful) track.

Maybe she's in pain also. That gives anybody a grumpy and complaining attitude. Has a doctor assessed her for pain?
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My heart goes out to you and your sister, and to your mom too. I used to worry about my mom because she was so isolated (in my view). She lived in independent living but chose to stay in her room 99% of the time as she got into her 90s. Mom had no short-term memory and I think she understood that enough to know she repeated herself endlessly. That made her uncomfortable around others. And the people she knew when she first moved in years ago had either died or moved out. It was just too tough for her to make new friends. I finally came to accept that she was choosing to live her life the way she wanted. She had other options but she chose not to avail herself of them. Once I could accept that, I was much happier.

We don't have the power to make our parents young or healthy or bring back their loved ones who have passed. We can be there for them in the best way we can, but it's their choice whether to be happy or not. Like others have said, acknowledge her unhappiness and then redirect her. If that doesn't work, cut the visit short. And get some counseling if it's still depressing you too much. Your mom is safe and much loved and cared for and that's pretty good compared to a lot of seniors.
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I am so appreciative (SueC), of the dialogue examples of how to react to our parents who express their depression. Knowing what to say and redirection is an important part of this process that I am still learning. Thank you to all of you! I am still in the process of trying to get my mother to go to HER doctor to receive some medical support. She will not listen to me and is very paranoid when I suggest it.
"Why, I don't need the doctor right now". Then, a few minutes later says" I think Im out of medicine." When I offer to call in for refills....etc. she refuses.
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I, too, am very appreciative of the dialogue examples. My sister has learned how to redirect my Mom, but I guess I’m having trouble with that. It seems like it should be an easy thing to do, but somehow every time I end up trying to help fix a thing when she just wants to vent. I end up getting a tongue lashing nearly every time. I am also aware that I need to talk to someone about it, since I am unhappy about the situation too. This board is Wonderful! Even if I don’t post, I’m reading it every day. Thanks for being here.
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I am not qualified to diagnose anyone. However, I wonder if it might be complicated grief. Someone at the home (LSCW, chaplain?) might be able to work out if that is the case, and help.
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Thank you jeannegibbs for saying "long list" instead of "laundry list" like the OP. I hate when people say laundry list. Nobody lists laundry. What a dumb expression.
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Compassionate detachment as is taught in Buddhism and Hinduism might help. I find it's very helpful to silently repeat my mantra when my mom or partner are venting about what depresses them. Then acknowledge what they said and redirect as others have said. Laundry lists are made when giving laundry to hotels to clean, when using dry cleaners, and when people brought their clothes to the "Chinese laundry." It's helpful to look beyond each of our own small worlds.
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Everyone used to list laundry, this was a standard item of household management for hundreds of years. People lived in households with extended family, not in single family homes. They didn't have huge closets full of clothes, they had half a dozen items, plus linens, curtains, rugs, and rags, all of which needed washing -- but laundry was such a grueling, labor intensive process involving dangerous chemicals that you couldn't just wash something easily a few times a week. Laundry day may have been one day a week, or one day a month, and it would take all the women in the family all day to get it done. You listed the items you were cleaning so you had a record of what got washed and what room it went back to, and then when the next laundry day rolled around you could check and see if dining room linens had been washed last time. No? Ok, they get washed this time. Did Auntie Eleanor's bedcover get washed last time? Yes, ok, it has to wait until next wash day.
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Standard item of care management for me three years ago, too, Kimiad. I didn't know such services still existed, but without The Laundry Basket in my home town fetching and delivering my mother's bedlinen I think I'd have gone under.

Still.

Just hugs, Trying. Not being able to do anything about the pain and grief of someone you love so much is terrible. Except... being there isn't nothing, you know. It may not give her back what she's lost; but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be worse without you. Squeeze her hand and remind her you're there, every so often. Hugs again.
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trying, I’m so glad you’re looking into counseling or some group meeting. Without that, instead of just a bit sullen like I am I’d be outright depressed. This forum is awesome, complement it with a live human factor. To me, nutrition always deserves a look. Their absorption of nutrients is seriously diminished. I’d check with her doctor for any counterindications with her meds (my mom has to avoid A and E) then go to the health food store (not the grocery store) for high-quality multi for seniors and/or focus on D, B complex, C, and minerals. I got mom a probiotic with cranberry too. I notice a huge difference in her mood whether she’s taken vitamins or not. I added them to her daily pill case so it’s easy for her. Hang in there, as others said you must remind yourself that she’s so much better off than some folks that don’t have kind girls like you and your sister!
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Dear tryingmybest, you are feeling what so many of us have experienced. Parents do vent to those that they are closest to and yes it can get depressing to the point you don’t want to be around them. It can drag one down. What has helped me is to do what’s called detaching. Looking at my dad as though watching a movie. If you are what is called an "empath" then you take on another persons emotions and it can be difficult to shake. I’m like that. Your mother does sound depressed to me. It’s likely the mourning of her losses are dragging her down and yes, it can chemically imbalance the brain. But getting her on an SSRI May be difficult. It helped my dad a lot. So how do YOU change so that you can handle this? One thing is to not visit or talk to her every single day. Plan on something daily that will bring you some joy...even as simple as relishing a cup of tea and a magazine. I have found ten minutes a day of meditation helpful. Also, a good book to use to help you manage her is Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz.  There are many helpful tips in there. Have you thought of going to a therapist yourself? That too has helped me.   This is very stressful on caregivers so protect yourself.
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This sounds like my mom, except she's healthy and able. Her sadness and depression is overwhelming. She is bitter and getting angry at times. We understood the doctors would adjust medications to help, and they have but it only seems to help short term. She also cannot recognize her dementia so she doesn't understand why she's in the situation she is in. She claims to have given up and lost everything. Nothing we do helps and I understand we cannot make her happy. Even when she was home she wasn't truly happy. My sister asked me if mom was ever happy? I had to think about that. Depression has been a constant battle for her, and it does affect me as well as I watch her. I'd like to get her some grief counseling and I am looking into it. She sees a geriatric counselor now monthly, but I think more often would help.
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Instead of fighting with your mom to accept her present situation, which only causes anger on both sides, maybe encourage her to talk about happier times. Bring music from her generation and listen to it with her and let her reminisce while you look at photo albums. She might find some comfort and security from things that brought her happiness in years past, years in which she was young, strong, and had control over her life. The uncertainty of the present and future might just be really frightening to her.

One thing I've found when interacting with older relatives is that much of the time they feel like they just can't relate to us because they share no common cultural references with the younger generations. My mom and I could always talk about recipes and cooking, for example... if your mom liked to cook and had cookbooks, it might be fun to look at them because food, like music, often evokes fond memories.
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She probably needs some "help" in stress medication - I had to do Zoloft for my DH.

If she refuses to take it, you need to start to save your sanity. The doctor wants me to go on it too - but part of my success with DH is my flareups which allow me to vent and also see a bit clearer. At 96, the doctors really don't know what I should do with DH, so I am having to learn on my own about DH's needs.

I found that the "minimum daily requirements" on vitamins is woefully lacking and explains a lot of my DH's feeble condition. He's actually responding well and starting to regain a little bit of strength. But it takes a lot of research online weeding out the good from the bad.

The "who wants to help" and "who only wants to sell you garbage" takes a lot of time. But he's worth it to me and also gives me something concrete to do while he sleeps :)

P.S.  I still have my DH at home with me - I feel blessed that he is still ambulatory, even if he is on a walker and needs my support much of the time.  I guess it really is different if they're still able to be at home - but I'm 30 years younger so it's doable for me.
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Trying...I’m sorry you’re dealing with this as well as being criticized for using a simple expression like laundry list. One that most people understand. Please don’t be put off by the every once in a while cruel or unhelpful post some people make. The vast majority of folks here are kind and genuinely care about what all of us are going through. We know that the very last thing a caregiver needs is criticism. Do your best and keep checking back because you will get some great advice here.
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Regarding the "laundry list" issue, i suspect that "shopping list" or "grocery list" is a more relevant comparison these days.
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I do not live in a senior housing complex but some time ago, a man who lived across the hall from me was sending me annoying texts to my Smart Phone. He also blocked out the boy and girl across the hall from me on Social Media yet he wants the girl to give him a good reference for a job he has his eye on. I told the man either stop this annoying texting or there will be trouble. I also had my Smart Phone # changed, and he is now living in a different apartment complex. I'm hoping to move to another town in my state. The man who heckled me is 35 years old, too old to be sending annoying texts and also playing Ding Dong Ditch. I hope he does grow up.
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Your mom sounds like mine with the exception of their ages. As far as the depression goes for both of you, I’ve been told, “that’s normal under the circumstances” and “that’s understandable” from doctors and therapists I’ve seen. My response to this is,” that’s dandy, but how and what do I do?”. Aside from medicating me, I’ve been told to join a support group, meditate, do yoga, ask for assistance, involve the family, and take time for me. I’ve done all of that and honestly, some of those things have helped temporarily but the constant knowledge and feeling of helplessness along with being around the person you love who cannot help but vent, wears you down. I actually quit my job to help, moved to another state and lived with my folks. That was good for them but awful for me and my therapists advised me to leave. I moved back to my state and have visited once in 3 months. The depression has gotten worse for me and for my mom. Now I have a house, but no job and still get the sad phone calls every day. There are days when I can “forget” about the constant stress but for me, the pain of losing my mom and best friend has thrown me into spirals of deep depression that unlike dealing with an actual death where there is closure, continually keeps me in the tornado of turmoil. Once in awhile the whirlwind spits me out to get grounded again, but then the funnel changes direction and picks me back up and the chaos starts all over. Everyone deals with loss differently, and my best advice is to try whatever works for you at the moment and go with it. All the things people say to do, help to some degree. The only thing that keeps me sane is to put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time and try to be thankful for any time you have with your mom. In every day, through all the negative stuff you hear and deal with, there is at least one moment when you hear joy in their voice or see a smile or sparkle in their eye and then you know you made a difference in their day to day thoughts and feelings of despair. Hang on to that, do anything for yourself and remind yourself that although the person you love is not the person you know, they are still in this new stranger and you are reaching them by showing you care and are there. Hugs to you.
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Have you tried a psychiatrist? Even if he just gives Mom a minimal dosage of medication for her depression, I'm sure it'll help her. My Mom gets 25mg of Lexapro and it certainly helped her (and me) considerabley.
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A book that describes "ambiguous loss" -- having a loved one there but not there, alive but not themselves -- is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by psycho therapist Pauline Boss. I recommend it.
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Your mom is having difficulty in accepting reality. You can't help her do this. It actually is probably one of the things we are here on this earth to do... accept reality... and ofcourse as you get older and more frail and sick, that becomes extremely difficult. I think all you can do is have compassion for her plight that she is struggling with accepting reality. We all will get to this stage, if not already. Blessings to you.
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That's right--old age is not fun. Have you tried to seek out a psychiatrist who can give you an RX for a low dose anti anxiety med?
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I wish there was something I could say that would be helpful...but all I can say is that I'm getting to the point in my life that I wish I had someone in my life that would be there for me as I was to my mother and as you obviously are for yours. Things could be worse - she could be in a nursing home. She is blessed to have been able to be as healthy as she has been...she could have so much more to look forward to if she could only look on the bright side...
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This is off topic but iDoctor needs to look up laundry list which offended him/her so much. The Merriam dictionary states It is used to mean a "long exhaustive list". There are many things we say these days which are not literal but we all know what they mean. Like "too man irons in the fire". Please be helpful or don’t comment on someone’s post. People need help not criticism. Just saying.
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Even further off-topic, iDoctor was actually complimenting another poster on *not* using the expression s/he dislikes so much.

Why, was somebody else "guilty" of using the LL word??? - otherwise, no criticism.
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I NEVER thought I'd say this, but the LL discussion has shown me that there is such as thing as being too PC. So much more important not to use an older expression than offer help. Not that I am offering help. iDoctor might want to know that laundry lists were also kept when there were guests in the house, and the visitor paid for their items which has been laundered if a washer woman was employed.
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