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First of all, I would contact an eldercare attorney. Is it possible that the Power of Attorney you have takes place (activated) only when client is totally "out of it". An attorney could advise you on that. Or is the DPOA outdated, or incomplete, etc. So check if it is correct in every way and covers ALL FACETS so it is completely legal. Second, I would also, if you do not already have this, ask the attorney about a GENERAL (COMPLETE) Power of Attorney in ADDITION to the health care POA. It could be you need both - I suspect this is the basis of the problem. You truly need legal advice so it is all correct and updated as of now. Once that is done, I do not see the doctor should dismiss you. I would demand a definite explanation of why she won't listen and what she wants and go from there. And, depending on the outcome, please consider changing doctors. And I would interview them before you bring your mother - I have done this in the past with good results and found the ones I truly needed by doing some initial research before I saw them. Your mother's welfare is at stake - take control now.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
"...is the DPOA outdated..."

DPOA does not expire unless it is specified. I doubt the one in this discussion has an expiration date.

It's best to provide the DPOA BEFORE it is needed, so it's on file. NO harm in doing that.

As for needing it during visits/exams, OP's mother can give VERBAL okay. If that isn't enough for this doc, then doc can ask mom to fill in the form ALL doc offices have, which would allow OP to be privy to mom's exams, care, etc ALL the time, without mom having to grant permission every time.

OP doesn't need legal advice to move forward. What she does need is some good reasons to give to mom to have her change to the doc who is treating dad, her husband, who sounds like the best doc!
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Some doctors forget that THEY do not have any right to tell you or your mother what to do! They can ADVISE ...they should NOT dictate EVER! It is your mother's choice of course. But she can ask whoever she wants for advice and when she is unable you DO have more say than ANY doctor!

I would look for another doctor ...seriously who wants one that talks about death all the time. Find one that talks about life and ways to make her life happier. I know my life if happier when I am with my children who love me and care about what happens to me.
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The wording on the DPOA is extremely important. Due to excessive elder abuse many states are writing DPOA in a form that doesn't give the person in charge any rights to someone's care unless they are incapable or incapacitated. While I understand how this would make you feel, I went through this with my Dad. You may need to go for conservator/guardianship of her medical as she would only have to agree in court and as long as no one would fight your petition in court it would most likely ordered. It can expensive, but, maybe the option necessary to take.
I wish the best for you both during this very challenging time.
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Love-and-Hope Jul 2021
Guardianship/conservatorship should be an absolute LAST resort. Very hard on all parties and extremely costly. Mom and family are supportive of DPOA and caregiving already. Had seminar issues with my mom’s doctor. Wouldn’t talk to me unless mom was in the room, reluctant to acknowledge or honor my DPOA, no help whatsoever. So, I did research, talked to people, and found another one who is willing to be helpful. Has made all the difference.
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Boy that would REALLY get my hackles up. Before my husband had his stroke and before the dementia set in, we tried to go to most of each other's doctor appointments. Some I didn't like him to go in there with me, but others I appreciated his being there. Sounds weird I know. But if one of us forgot what was said, the other remembered. And if he or I forgot to mention something, the other would. Anyway, one of the answers I read here said to get your Mom to explain to her doctor that YOU are there FOR your her...to help her!! That's exactly right. But sounds like this doctor has a burr up her backside. My guess would be that she's seen a patient taken advantage of before or perhaps she's experienced this in her personal life. But she's taking this above what she needs to do. She should understand that her patient, your Mom, has memory problems and needs someone to help her remember. She's already been told this too. Sounds like she's kinda neglecting her duties. Maybe it would help if your Mom would quietly lean in close to this doctor, as if to tell her a secret, and say "THIS is exactly what I want, yes my other children know this and are 100% on board with MY decision, and this is none of your business. AND if you don't start talking to me about my MEDICAL reasons for being here, then I'm changing doctors. I'm not paying you to discuss family issues." By the way, I thought if you had a DPOW, then it had to be accepted. I mean I can understand, and even commend, your Mom's doctor's concerns for her welfare. But if she's been told numerous times that your Mom is good with you being there and that you're helping both her and your Dad, then she needs to just shut up and do her job!! I know your Mom's been with this doctor for a long time, but maybe it is time to change. Talk it over with your Mom about changing doctors, but it sounds to me as if this one's overstepping her boundaries. There's a lot of great doctors out there!!
I wish the best for you and your parents.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
OP's description of her dad's doc sounds like the right doc to switch to! He is aware of the family dynamics and would know how/when to address mom's needs if/when the end comes for dad, instead of spending the whole exam time talking about his pending death, like it's happening as we speak!

What you suggested mom should do/say is something I would likely do myself! Mom sounds a bit too dignified to stoop to that level, but it WOULD be priceless if she could do it! Yes, I am here 2 times/year for 10-15 minutes to get my checkup, so shut up and do the checkup already!!!
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Been there …
doctors, as my father who was a Faculty Member of a Medical School would say, have an arrogance the younger they are, until they are blessed with a little humility. I have experienced this personally, to the point where the SNF called in the Geriatrician MD that my father used for his Alzheimer Disease, whom demanded I not be in the room, nor my paid caregivers, ‘for the patients privacy rights. The doctor came out and blasted me and my caregivers for attempting to dope my mother up on more Haldol as during the 26 day stay in the hospital, the one nurse also agreed that my mother needed a very small dose added around 2pm, and the orders were given as needed. The Geriatrician MD told me this was false and I was lying. I suggested the Geriatrician go to her little computer and pull the in-patient chart of medications for her last ten days at the hospital. A week later a certified letter was received at our home informing my mother that the Geriatrician resigned as one of my mothers doctors. I suspect the doctor went and read Mom’s in-patient chart and found she crossed the line accusing me of lying.

I hate to say it but these doctors also break the law by practicing legal interpretations of the law on the fly. You will never win this battle, as the doctors will eventually tell you flat out “at the moment we discussed and examed your mother ‘today’ that she appeared to be competent. Bob
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Hi ... The medical facility that my Mom saw actually gave me a form that my Mom and I filled out. It allowed me to conduct ALL medical transactions freely.
The POA wasn't even involved in that matter.
I was the sole successor of a family trust. Even when my MOM became incapacitated it was very difficult to get 2 doctors signatures stating that she was in that state of being as required by the trust documents. It was very difficult to pay for my Mom's financials without having access to the trust funds. I was finally successful in doing so with one of her financial institutions a day before she passed away. She was deemed incapacitated but she was in an skilled nursing facility (SNF) and only one psychiatrist had seen her. (This was also during the peak of Covid 2020-2021) Being incapacitated meant that she couldn't sign over the trustee position to me and I was unable to get a second doctor to sign off. She had contracted Covid in Dec. 2020 in the facility.
Please ask the doctor if they have a form that your Mom could sign that would allow you to conduct all functionary medical needs for her. Take care of any legal / financial matters while your Mom has capacity, if possible.
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Unfortunately the doctor is correct. We found this out at the end of my mom's life. The doctor said we could not make decisions for my mom while she could still indicate her wishes. We went to a class after her death for making sure things are in order that said the same thing. Now with my Dad his POA clearly states it only goes into affect if a doctor declares he cannot make his own decisions. Also he has had to sign forms to allow the doctors to talk to me.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
Both issues are correct, unless there is no stipulation. However I don't think OP's primary issue is with whether the DPOA is active or not, but rather the attitude of this doc. Based on the other things this doc did and said, I would be suggesting mom switch to her husband's doc, for several reasons. It would be easier, since that doc knows the family dynamics and works with OP! I seriously doubt dad's doc would resort to the crap mom's doc is pulling.

No one ever questioned the DPOA I presented for managing mom's finances. I didn't have any letters or any "proof" of mom's incompetence. She was with me at both the bank (to close the account and make managing it all easier) and the CU, which was her primary account. She never said a word, no one asked her anything. She just stood there rifling through her wallet and purse, in both places.

I did try to get her doctor to issue a letter regarding what the federal pension required to become representative (DPOAs don't apply to ANY federal entities.) He agreed to do it while we were there for exam (a copy of the DPOA, the letter from the pension people AND the list requiring what was needed was sent to the office BEFORE we had the appointment.) Nine months later, despite repeatedly contacting them, I never got anything from them other than a request for the DPOA (replied that I sent it to them, but here's another copy via the portal) and some time later a request for what was needed (replied that was ALSO sent to them, but here's another copy via the portal.) Most of the time I had to resort to the portal as I could never get through by phone to a person. NINE months and nothing! We had to find a new doc anyway, as she refused to let aides into her condo, so Plan B had to be done, move to MC. The one chosen was closer to where I live, for easier access to oversee, provides necessities and visit. The new doc tried once, and it was rejected. The second one succeeded.

IF I didn't need to change address, the pension and SS would have been left alone - direct deposit and two of us were on her account, along with the DPOA. HOWEVER, SS does not approve of this. Legally the only way to manage someone's SS funds is to sign up as rep payee. Same for the federal pension. I did both, which allowed me to change the mailing and residential address.

Doctors aren't always the most responsive when needed. So many say have doc contact DMV about revoking license - HAH! Many don't want to get involved. They are docs, not legal experts and many try to avoid getting in the middle! WE have to advocate and see to it our LO gets what they need. Never mind advocates for others, I've had to change docs myself when my issues are dismissed - I don't have many, but when I did, I was getting nowhere fast with many of them! Same with pediatricians when my kids were young AND with some vets. I have some brain cells and can think, plus my kids are too young and the cats can't talk, so WORK with me or I will go elsewhere.
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Your mother's doctor is correct that a DPOA only takes effect if 2 physician's (in most states) declare in written form that your mother is incompetent to manage her own legal and financial affairs. Only at that point may the DPOA take over those matters on her behalf.

Designating someone to be a Medical Advocate.is usually covered by documents like an Advance Directive or a Declaration of Medical Advocacy or Surrogacy. Documents differ somewhat from state to state.

You may be both of these things for your mothet, but it is not the DPOA that controls the Medical decisions.
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DTOller, please check your Messages.
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DT0ller Jul 2021
I can't find where to do this?
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DT0ller, after reading your responses, I think that you should get your mom established with your dads doctor.

Only seeing your mom 2x a year, this "doctor' probably doesn't even recognized your mom when she comes in.

She isn't addressing the situation that brings your mom in and she is not respecting your mom's caregiving daughter, HUGE WAVING RED FLAGS! If she isn't helping your mom with her medical conditions, she could very well be harming her. Perfect timing for a second opinion and a smooth transition.

I understand not wanting to push for change but, this "doctor" has ignored her 3 times already (I believe in the 3 strikes and you are out rule.) and God forbid that something happens to your mom, this is the Yahoo that you would need to have confidence in to provide records and/or medical care. Not something that I would want to deal with in a time of crisis. Your alarm bells are telling you how wrong this person is for a reason, trust yourself.

She is blessed to have you looking after her and advocating for her well being.
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notgoodenough Jul 2021
Totally agree. Especially as mom is aging, you want her doctor(s) to be partners with you and mom in her care; an adversarial relationship will be detrimental to mom at the end of the day, regardless of the reason behind it.

Since you already have a relationship with dad's doctor, either switch mom's care to him/her OR ask that doctor for a reference, if he/she can't take on mom as a patient.
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So a DPOA (springing or otherwise) is a financial document, not a medical one. (the one I have mentions health stuff and HIPPA but the doctors will not honor it). You need the health care power of attorney... usually a standard document that you can get from a hospital or probably online in your state. Still, it is applies if incapacitated. However THAT is the power of attorney that the doctors go by. You also need to be on her HIPPA form to make sure that the doctors will share all info with you even if not incapacitated.

the one I have is called "durable power of attorney" at the top BUT it can only be enacted if 2 doctors declare that dad is unable to make decisions for himself.
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CaringSon2 Jul 2021
marydys you are very correct. I failed (on my initial post) to state my mother had her SDPOA activated by three doctors in 2017 when she had a mild stroke and a home had to be sold. Also (important legal issue) DPOA are not valid until they have been filed in a court of law documenting they exist and are recognized by the courts (I filed I two separate states during the move from one home to another home).

Medical POA and or directives will also be ignored by doctors that don’t want the family whom want looped in “as a team approach” in caring for your loved one. Bob
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Fire that doctor & get a different one who specializes in geriatrics & also get her a neurologist. I would never allow that doctor in the house again. You may also complain about him & his comments on review site “Yelp”. He gets on my nerves too & I never met him! Hugs 🤗
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Get a new doctor right away. She sounds awful. I know it's not easy to find one that "gets it" but you and your Mom need to be treated respectfully at all times.
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Oh my gosh!! TOTALLY inappropriate for this “Dr” to behave this way.

Time for a new Dr!! ASAP!!
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DT0ller Jul 2021
Thanks, I think so too. But, if my mom wants to keep her, I'll honor that. Glad to hear you think this way though since someone named ROVANA keeps posting I shoved paperwork in the doctors face and it was ME who was RUDE. Hope no one respects that persons comments as they were totally offensive, rude and uncalled for.
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It does mean something! Go to a different doctor. I was my fathers POA and they literally always asked me questions and not him. It used to bug me because they wouldn’t even bother asking him anything.
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I have the dpoa for my mom and medical poa. Most doctors and hospitals require medical poa. It was set up to take effect now and not when she’s incapacitated. Thankfully my mom’s doctor is great and works with us.
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Juse grin and bear it. Your mom would be upset to have to change Dr's.
Juse keep showing up with mom for her appointments and your mom can keep answering the questions.

Onice mom can't answer the question herself. Answer them


Don't let it bother you what the Dr asks and says.

You and your mom know what's going on.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
All well and good, but if the doctor doesn't want to deal with OP, that's a problem. OP knows her mother best. If mom is having an issue, but can't express it to the doc, then the doc needs to have a working relationship with OP.

The only grin this doc would get from me is when I was waving bye-bye after getting mom to agree to change docs. When there is a true medical issue, or emergency, you NEED this doc in your camp. She isn't in the camp and doesn't seem interested in being in it, so find someone who IS - dad's doc sounds like the perfect alternative.
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Unless your mother is extremely attached to this doctor, perhaps I'd look for another. My sister and I hold joint POA (DPOA) for our mother for both medical and financial decisions. Even before Mother was in cognitive decline, we never had anyone question our presence at a medical appointment, our care of our mother, or treat us rudely. I also agree with the posting by NYCmama, however. Until it was no longer possible, we tried to let Mother answer her own questions while we remained in the background as much as possible. The doctor seems to want to look out for your mother's interests, but her method is very rude.
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I think ArtMom58 has it right. On your first visit, presenting the DPOA to her seemed to have rubbed the doctor the wrong way. As a doctor, her first priority is your Mom and their relationship - and as long as your Mom has the mental capacity to make rational decisions - the doctor should deal with her directly.
I understand how you feel, and I think the doctor could have explained her stance more diplomatically. I also agree that maybe this doctor gets off track with personal conversations at times, which is annoying. That said, even though your parents do indeed rely on you to make decisions, does not mean the doctor cannot discuss their medical issues and maintain a relationship with them directly.
I went with my Mom to her primary every single time from when she was competent to the times she was no longer mentally "present" and each time the doctor spoke to her directly. It's makes the patient feel safe and relevant. After he spoke with my Mom, I would fill in the blanks she left out or ask questions if there were any. I never presented my DPOA - it's just not necessary.
My advice is to step back a little. I think you're a take charge person determined to be a great caretaker for your parents. I think your feelings are hurt because the doctor seems to be refusing to acknowledge that. But look at it from a different angle. Ultimately the doctor is putting his client (your Mom) first, making her feel secure and maintaining a relationship of trust & care. Stay in the background, and ask your questions and fill in the blanks once their exchange is done.
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Have mom do a healthcare power of attorney. While this will not go into effect until mom becomes incapacitated, it will clearly define your role to the doctor if/when that occurs. Whoever mom names should attend medical visits. This means that if mom names your brother, he will need to make the trip to attend doctor visits, so he can make informed decisions about care should mom become incapacitated.

Also, instead of referring to yourself as the POA, refer to yourself as the "caregiver". Explain to the doctor that since you live next door, your parents and your siblings agree that you should be the caregiver. Explain this in front of mom during a visit, or better yet, ask mom to explain the situation to the doctor. Allow the doctor to have private time with mom to discuss personal arrangements, in order to validate to the doctor that this is what mom wants.

Doctors and nurses are very cautious about abuse/neglect/exploitation of vulnerable adults. Unfortunately, this is rampant, and the overwhelming majority of exploitation is done by adult children of the eldertly/disabled. The reason I became a caregiver was because of a situation like this in my own family, which resulted in legal charges against the exploiter, and has been financially and emotionally devastating to my exploited family member, along with the rest of my family.

As offensive as these questions may be, understand that the doctor is simply looking out for your mom. You both have the same goal: for mom to be safe and get excellent care.
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DT0ller Jul 2021
I've done both. My mom refers to me as her "daughter and caregiver". I've done all you suggested. I've been respectful in the appointments, not spoken up except when important about mom's health history since I do see her every day and do take vitals weekly. Mom didn't want me to leave her alone with the doctor. She ASKED me to accompany her. No one is exploiting anything. Doc has been with mom for 20 years but for everyone who goes on about keeping "the long term doctor" care needs to understand it's 15 minutes once or twice a year and if the doctor REALLY paid attention to mom, she'd know she had a loving family. She'd had heard her the first 3 times when mom told her my role. No one mentions anything about mom telling her just that and the doctors repeatedly asking again every visit.
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What is the language in the DPOA? My mom's required incapacity as determined by two doctors. So if mom's primary doc does not see mom as incapacitated then it would be unethical for doc to accept direction from you.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
OP wasn't "directing" anything. She's explaining some of the things this doc has said and done, which seem to be undermining the whole relationship. DPOAs are good to have on file, but it doesn't mean OP was stepping in a taking over. She's been going with mom for over a year. I went with my mother too. So long as mom agrees to have OP in the room, there should be NO problem. Since mom has been asked multiple times and told doc each time that this is her daughter and her care-giver, what is this doc's problem? See the woman 2 times/year for 10 min and suddenly SHE's the expert?

If verbal approval isn't enough for the doc, every doc office I've been to has forms for the patient to fill out if they want someone to be privy to their medical information/care.
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I had Durable Power of Attorney for my mom. When she had Alzheimer's, I took that documentation to every doctor's office and hospital, and they scanned it into their computer system, and they all respected that. But, since I'm not a lawyer, I don't know the protocol regarding the DPOA specifics in in every state. My mom's "state" of mind could vary from one day to the next, and some days she was quite lucid, and others, not, including in a doctor's office. I wonder if you can take her to another doctor the next time she needs an appointment within the guise of "your regular doctor is unavailable/out of town/ etc., " and then see how that goes, for all concerned. When my mom had Alzheimer's, she was reluctant to give up her car keys, so I wrote a note to her doc, and she backed me up on the next appointment. For me, it was helpful to have a doc who listened to both my mom and me. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I tried to write it with humor and heart, because you need both when dealing with Alzheimer's. Best of luck.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
",,,it was helpful to have a doc who listened to both my mom and me."

THIS is the point many are missing, esp those telling OP she's off base, whiny, seeking approval and that she just needs to suck it up, grin and bear it! As long as mom gives verbal okay for OP to be there, then that's ALL that's needed from OP's side. Doc is the one who needs to put up or shut up. If that's not enough for this prissy doc, then have staff bring that nice form that is expressly used to allow others to be privy to your medical needs/care, instead of being a rude SOB.

I feel the same way about doctors for myself, for my kids (when they was little), for my cats and while overseeing things for her, my mother too. If the doctor dismisses me, ignores me, can't be bothered to talk WITH me, then adios. I've done it multiple times. Either work with me or we are done. I HAVE to advocate for the kids when they are little, the cats, who can't talk, and my mother who had dementia (I also went and/or arranged medical/dental for mom before the dementia and went with her to all the appts.)
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I believe "Notgoodenough" nailed it when suggesting that your mother needs to clarify your role with the doctor rather than you. I understand a few possibilities of where the doctor is coming from. It could be that she believes a durable POA is not sufficient for health care decisions. She may or may not be correct depending on the wording in the DPOA document and what state you live in.

I suspect the primary hurdle for the doctor is that she does not consider your mother incapacitated. It does not sound like your mother is incapacitated. Memory loss and incapacity are a long way apart on the scale of how impaired someone's thinking is. Your mother may not be able to remember what the doctor said, but she is certainly capable of expressing her wishes in regard to her care. It's a common mistake to believe that someone who can't manage on their own automatically activates a POA.

The language in most POA documents is clear that the individual has to be unable to make decisions before the POA can step in. It's a gray area to say if someone is unable to understand their decisions and their consequences versus not agreeing with the opinions of others.

I once had a client with vascular dementia who "fell in love" with a caregiver and began to give the aide large amounts of money (thousands). The family knew he was being suckered, his doctor knew it, Adult Protective Services knew it, and law enforcement knew it. The fact that the person had documented dementia did not mean anyone could step in and put an end to the scam. The reason was that while he was making bad choices, no doctor considered him incapacitated.

That's an extreme example, but it shows why a doctor might disregard a POA document when the patient is still able to converse and make decisions. As for your mother's doctor, she may be off the hook for wanting to deal directly with your mother rather than going through you, she is NOT practicing in a way that a compassionate physician would.

One thing I know with all my heart after 20 years of caring for dementia patients is that the caregiver MUST have a trusted ally in the physician directing their loved one's care. Dementia caregiving is a long, often solitary road. Having a good doctor backing you up versus someone who makes life more difficult is the difference between peace of mind versus one more source of stress.

My loved one would have to be dead set on staying with a doctor even knowing how miserable I was before I would stick with someone who wasn't an ally. Doctors are a dime a dozen depending on where you live. There are areas of the country where it's a take-it-or-leave-it shortage of doctors. If that's not the case where you are, I'd be doctor shopping pronto. Good luck.
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DT0ller Jul 2021
Yes, thank you. After I told my mother how the comments upset me and some in the Caregivers forum thought she might suspect elder-abuse which upset me even more, she said we'd talk with the doctor again so she'd understand our family dynamics. I'm not making decisions for mom. She is not incapacitated but, it brings to light a new question. If the doctor doesn't consider her incapacitated, why isn't she listening to her tell her about her home health care? Why wouldn't she work more freely with me after we signed her office's consent form? Why does she feel unwelcoming of my presence? I know she's not there for ME but, she needs to understand I am there for my MOM.
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I don't understand the issue. You and your mother are in agreement, right? You are not suggesting decisions that are contrary to her decisions. So where does the issue of the medical power of attorney come in? If you said, "My mother should have this vaccination," and your mother said, "I do want that vaccination," then the issue of her competency and your authority would be critical. But if she is stating her decisions (perhaps based on your advice) and the doctor is acting on them, why do you need the doctor to recognize your authority? I would think this would only arise if your mother was insisting on a decision you thought was not in her best interest.

It sounds like you would like better recognition of your caring role from her doctor. I don't blame you, but it really doesn't seem to me to matter to the care Mom gets from that doctor. That doctor and your mom have known each other for a couple of decades and their relationship is well established. Unless your mother wants to change doctors, try to respect that relationship and don't be bothered by the relationship between you and the doctor.

If it ever arises that you want the doctor to do something or refrain from doing something that is different than what your mother tells the doctor then you may need to get a lawyer involved. But as long as you are just giving your mother advice and she states her decisions to the doctor, where is the problem?

BTW it sounds to me like you are an extremely valuable and loving care partner to your mother. You deserve a lot of credit for what you do. I wish the doctor would express that, too.
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DT0ller Jul 2021
My only issue or question is, if she needs my mom to tell her 3 times my role, and she undermines my role in her caregiving - will she work with me as my mother becomes more reliant. Everyone seems to think I am inserting myself when I was just trying to establish the connection now that mom is beginning to need more and ASKED me to be a part of her visits. The problem is, the doctor doesn't seem to recognize it. My DPOA includes medical and financial. IT is NOT a springing POA. I've signed her office's required Consent form. That was all before this last episode of asking whether or not my siblings knew I was taking care of things for her.

It's okay though as mom and I have decided together on a course of action to speak with her about my role. Coming once more from mom...then we'll see about the next step.
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One solution, three steps:

1. Find a neurologist to have your mom tested for dementia and officially and medically declared unable to make decisions on her own. When that happens, your POA will become effective.

2. Find a new doctor for your mom who will listen and work with you. Ask the old doc for a copy of your mom’s file. A fee might be incurred.

3. Find a CERTIFIED eldercare attorney to help you navigate through the process of caring for your mom in the future. It can be a long and difficult journey, but the right attorney will help make the journey less painful.

Right now, you need to assemble a support team. The current doc is not helping you in this matter. Ditch her.
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Sarah3 Jul 2021
Your advice is to shop around for a doctor who’s willing to be bought out ( doctor shopping) ??? That’s not ethical or helpful to her mom or her to try and find a doctor who is willing to write down something that isn’t factual— nowhere in her post does it indicate her mother is incapacitated, far from it.
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I have an entirely different feeling about what is going on here than the other posters.

The doctor, who knows and probably likes your mother, obviously does not like you. It’s possible that you are over talking your mother and assuming far more direction in these discussions than your POA allows you to assume at this point in time in your mother’s life. Having the blessing of your siblings may just mean they are glad to have you assume all the responsibility or simply don’t want to deal with you because you are so aggressive. I think you need to check your own stance during these appointments and let your mother do a lot more of the talking. I would definitely not change your mother’s physician against her will.

Normally, physicians do not offer the kind of pushback you are getting unless there is a serious concern about the qualifications or performance of the caregiver. Your mother’s doctor may well feel that you are usurping her right to self determination. You need to discuss this situation with your father and siblings before you take any action, legal or otherwise, and conduct the conversation in a way that allows others to express their opinions honestly. At this point, you do not have the authority to just take over all the decisions your mother can and should be making for herself. Her doctor knows this and may be trying to protect your mother from being “railroaded” into decisions she is not ready to make and is trying to tell your mother to reach out to her other children for help in managing her relationship with you. Your mother may already have told her doctor she is having a problem with excessive pressure when you were not present. You haven’t told us whether your mother and father are capable of doing the tasks you have assumed for them, but I think it is extremely unwise and humiliating to both of your parents for you to be taking over any tasks or decisions they can still perform for themselves.

Lastly, you need to speak to your mother’s physician privately and ask him/her what the issue is and be prepared to hear feedback about yourself that may be difficult to hear.
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DT0ller Jul 2021
Wow. So much off base with your comments. I have NOT been aggressive people. My parents have ASKED me to do these things for them. I have not TAKEN OVER anything without them asking. I have not decided or asked to USURP the doctor. I go because mom has trouble remembering to relay info to the doc and to relay to me (who shops, cooks, cleans, fills prescriptions). I NEED to KNOW in order to do things right. For crying out loud, some of you people ASSUME too much. I DIDN"T PUSH anything. I simply provided information. I signed the consent form at her office. I didn't ask for your judgement lady. Your answer is most UNHELPFUL.
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It sounds like you and the doctor have gotten off to a not-so-great start. Your mother has appointed you her POA when she can no longer decide for herself. As long as she's able to make decisions for herself, it sounds like the doctor would rather deal with your mother. That's fine, right? Your mother is still of sound mind, correct? You can be at doctor's appointments and listen in so you are also kept abreast of issues with your mother. That's fine, right?

Ultimately, it's sounds like the bigger issue is you don't think the doctor gives you enough credit for the time you spend with your mother and the work you do for her. Why do you care? Can you perhaps change your perspective a bit? The doctor has known your mother for many years and perhaps she is trying to provide words of comfort rather than words against you. Your mother's care and her relationship with her doctor has nothing to do with you personally. Life is waaay too short to find issues and problems everywhere you turn. In the end, what's important is the relationship you have with your mother that should be affirming, not the perceived snippiness of the doctor. Please reassess what's important here.
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DT0ller Jul 2021
Why I care is because "life is too short". What happens when the doc NEEDS to work with me when mom does become incapacitated. Should I trust her attitude will change? Do I continue with someone who is standoffish and rude just because she doesn't accept me in my mother's care? How can that have nothing to do with me as you say? If going forward mom wants me to be more involved, how does that not involve me?

I won't push for a change but, just so everyone knows if I asked my mom would change. She wouldn't forsake me for anyone. Neither would I for her so, I give both my parents as much autonomy as they want and as much help as they want (which is more than being left alone). My parents asked me to help, ask me everyday for something new and I do it willingly. I do it all willingly and lovingly so, some of the assumptions of this forum are crazy out of line.
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Ask the doctor's check-in people what documents exactly is required by their office in order for you to LEGALLY be your mother's Medical Representative and advocate. Most likely they will give you a HIPAA form for your mom to assign you. But, they should also accept a MPoA and will make a copy of it for their records. Also, if your mother created an Advance Care Directive, this doctor's office should also have a copy of that (and any other doctor she sees).
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I just went through all this a few months back.
The laws and requirements might be different from state to state, but here in Wa state, my mother had a General Durable Power of Attorney (for general overall stuff),a Financial Durable Power of Attorney (so that I could transact and handle her financial affairs); a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care Decisions. All forms were done by an elder law attorney, properly notarized. You can't just type of something and sign it - it has to be legally legit and proper based on your state's requirements.

For the General Durable Power of Attorney, there is verbiage to the effect that she needed to be declared, by two doctors, in writing, to be unable to make decisions concerning her well being and her finances. That is when the Financial DPOA would come in that I would hand to financial institutions. BUT she had to be declared unable.
For the Health Care Decision, verbiage was to the effect that I could make decisions for her if she is unable, physically and/or mentally, by herself. Once again, a signed and notarized document.

I made sure that everyone that I/we had to interact with - doctors, surgeons, hospitals, rehab facilities, adult family homes, hospice centers - each and every one of them received one, two or all of these DPOAs to keep on file.

As far as interacting with the doctor, you need to sign a form with the doctor's office, that your mother will have to sign - this form states that the doctor can discuss any and all medical matters about your mother with you (and you can also add other family members if need be). But you have to have this on file in order for the doctor to 'legally' talk to you/interact with you concerning your mother (all that Hippa stuff). This form then also needs to be completed for each and every medical/healthcare facility that your mother will be at. However, if she is declared unable -then your Health care dpoa comes into play.

Concerning the doctor's attitude towards you - from your description it seems a little condescending and dismissive. Perhaps if you show up with all the required proper legal paperwork, things might change.

Finally, as a side note here, make sure that you, or one of your siblings is authorized to be able to talk to businesses like the power company, the phone company, the cable and trash company. This also includes health insurance, long term insurance, homeowner's insurance. If you or sibling are not named on the accounts, they will not talk to you. Fortunately, I had my mother place me on all those types of accounts, so that when she had issues, problems, or whatever, I could call up the business, and they were allowed to talk to me.
AND
this also applies to married couples. Typically the accounts are opened with a primary name and then a secondary name. They will only talk to primary person,even though your name might be on the account. My husband had to call each and every one of these and 'place' me as an authorized person that they could talk to...crazy, I know.
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WyldUnknown Jul 2021
Also in WA state. My father has all necessary docs drafted by a reputable attorney. I find it rather subjective to who will acknowledge them and who requires additional docs, like HIPPA waivers. I find it to be more about relationships. Financial people know me, doctors know me, easy to work with. The ONLY people I find it impossible to work with is the dang cable/internet provider. Ha!
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Simply Find another Doctor. Unless he's just not a nice guy but does great work for your parent/s find someone who you are comfortable with. You will have to deal with this person long term... You want to be able to trust the Dr. and in turn they respect what you do and what you are going through and offer support and help. If that's not the case find someone with a better disposition... But if you do stay with this Dr. don't let him/her get in the way of their care if it's acceptable to you. It's about them and the care they are getting. Doctor's aren't above being rude. Don't let them get to you.
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