I've been my mother's caregiver for almost 15 years, now, and she lives in my house. I get a 40 hour-per-week check from an agency to care for her, but of course, I really care for her around the clock 7 days a week. My mom has slowly developed delusions and hallucinations about me having men in my room at night for sex. In reality, the last date I had was in 1997. One night, she just blurted out that she's afraid for my mortal soul (we're Catholic), and she told me to go to confession. She was angry and said that she didn't raise her daughter to be a whore. Naturally, I had no idea what she was talking about. Anyhow, fast-forward to almost 9 months later, and she now thinks that my "boyfriend" and I want to kill her. She says she can't trust anyone, and she says "I don't want to die !!" It torments her. She cries deeply in those moments. Part of it is sundowning, because it escalates after dark. But she asks me during the day what time my boyfriend is coming over tonight, what his name is, does he have a key to the house, and when she should go to bed so she doesn't meet up with him in the living room, should he walk right in. She's sick and tired of me saying "there is no man," and I certainly can't go along with her on this. Last night was a milestone: She after I went to bed (but was still awake), she tried to call the police about 5 or 6 times, but she doesn't remember "911." I forgot to tell you that she's in the moderate stage of dementia. She kept getting "if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again -- beep, beep, beep....." I've contacted her physician and asked for medication to help with her symptoms, but I was told that mom's normal pulse is pretty low already (in the low to mid-forties), and giving her something to sedate her would make it lower -- so they won't prescribe her anything. She was so scared last night that I was threatening to kill her (she imagines that I'm saying things like that), I asked my cousin to come over after 10pm to just talk with her, while I stayed out of the room. I went to bed, so mom could freely talk to my cousin about me. The distraction of the visit made mom feel better, but the moment my cousin left, mom was on the phone again, trying to call the police, but to no avail. I'm at my wits end. She's low maintenance in every other way, and some nights she doesn't have trouble at all. Its especially bad when she's over-tired. She was so scared a few nights ago that she stayed up all night in the living room, waiting for my "boyfriend" to walk in. She said she wanted to catch him, so she could prevent me from sinning !! This is starting to be the theme now. I give up. She's afraid when I go out and leave her alone, but yet she spews all this stuff at me when I'm with her. I could go on and on. She can't walk, thankfully, because she'd have left a long time ago and I'd be searching for her every night. Sorry I went on and on........ just venting, I guess.
Also, validation doesn't always mean agreeing, it just means acknowledging her feelings. "Mama, I know you want me to show high morals. I promise you I am...." See if that helps. "Mama I can see that you are upset and scared, how about we lock the dead bolt and have cocoa and cookies together."
This is such a tough stage to go through...my heart aches for you and for your mom. Try different strategies. Read and watch techniques by Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil. My mom hasn't been able to walk for several years. I always say is was the Lord's gift to me ;-). I, too, would have been spending a lot of time chasing down the street. The best thing I can tell you is that this too shall pass.
My Dad had that issue. He was seeing ants on the wall and in his food. His caregiver took Dad to the urgent care to have a UTI test, sure enough that was the problem. Once the meds started to kick in, the ants went away. Whew.
If that physician were in your shoes, she/he might think differently. You're situation is not sustainable. This is no life for either of you