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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I like the suggestion of getting a pet. My MIL lives alone, hates being alone and is depressed. She lives within walking distance and at night my cat follows me to her house when I'm bringing her meds to her. Sometimes my cat decides to stay there for the night and it makes a huge difference. Her mood was a bit lighter this morning, as my cat stayed with her last night. She had another living thing to talk to and the cat will sleep on the couch with her and will sometimes "talk" back.
My mom does not want to be alone either. She is especially attached to me & gets upset if I am away overnight on occasion in spite of another sister or niece staying with her. Anti anxiety meds seem to make her mind be fuzzier than usual the next day. She thinks people on TV can see her & is asking to turn TV off at times. She is in a hospital bed in her living room & for last year I have slept on sofa. There is less anxiety for both of us doing it this way! I hope you find what will keep you both safe & happy. Someone suggested Melotolin and I plan to give that a try. I used to get upset & frustrated quite a bit over being 24/7 caretaker but found once I surrendered to the situation I am handling it all much better. I pray you find your answer! This web site has been valuable to me.
Midkid58- that was kind of the point I was making- there are no safety standards for home bedrails so most are junk. There are guidelines for beds in hospitals regarding the "seven zones of entrapment" but that is it. What everyone considers a "hospital bed" at home is really a "homecare" bed that doesn't have to follow the guidelines either. The doctor is being cautious because many bedrails are bad- but properly designed, sturdy ones can be extremely helpful- and the benefits outweigh any risks that may be present. In the product world (where I hang out) there are many heated discussions in the "bedrails are bad" debate.
GerryL, has she said what the reason is for feeling afraid? Is she afraid someone is going to come in to attack her? Afraid she is going to fall? Is this something new for her? Her doctor should be able to give you something for her to take at night. Sometimes, just an aspirin PM can help if she can take aspirin. Get her a body pillow to use at night. Having a plump pillow to hug and throw a leg over can be very comforting at night. Having a night light to get rid of shadows in the room is helpful as well. Do you live with her or does she live by herself? At 94, it doesn't seem likely that she needs to be alone but not much information is given except that she doesn't like to sleep alone. Can you elaborate a little more? What does she say about not being able to sleep?
Rosebush, what a lovely relationship you have had with your parents. My mom would never admit to being afraid of dying, but most people are if they do not believe there is something better they are going to after they die. And lying there at night, we all, as you say, re-play our regrets, our worries, etc. so, with not much left in their lives, so many friends now dead, it might explain why my mom keeps the TV blaring all night long! (News) it must help her to keep from dwelling on the death they know is rapidly approaching, and the big unknown.
Please don't be to quick to put an elderly person on anti-depressant meds. If you have a doctor that you really trust to diagnose, ask about how additional meds might interact with meds they are currently taking. It's a fine balance. The stuffed animal could help. I have an aunt with advanced dementia that sleeps with several baby dolls. Somehow they are a comfort. Another option is to look into homeopathic supplements that may calm and ease anxiety. Lavender works well and there are many others. Try the least invasive first whenever possible.
Rosebush, your post filled my eye with tears and my heart with joy. Thank you for sharing that! If I was old, scared, or and dying alone I would love my daughter to sleep with me, although I dont have one, only sons. Ive been married almost 40 years and I cannot imagine not having a bedbuddy at a time like this.
After my dad passed away, my mother started having the radio by the bed on all night, set to a talk station. (She was only 69 at the time, in good health, living in their home about 3 hours from me). I asked her why, and her response was that it helped her to not think about 'things', and helped her get back to sleep if she woke during the night. It was comforting, and she continues it to this day, even though she has now moved into my home.
I kind of disagree with the side rails. Post hip surgery, mother was terrified she'd fall out of bed (she never had before) and she wanted rails. I ordered them, installed them and she slept one night with them and then happened to mention to her dr she had put them on her bed and he told her to remove them immediately. The risk of her falling BETWEEN the rails and being stuck there all night was great--the only bedrails he'd "allow" were an actual hospital bed with rails. Mother had me remove the rails. I've seen her sleeping and she does not move an inch over the course of 10 hours.
Jeaniepo, I think you are so right, my mom was not too verbal but I felt like she understood what i was saying. I thought of all the times i dwelled on something when I went to bed. If at all possible, I would sleep in the same room with our loved ones. For me the needs of the elderly are very dimisr to children. Thinking about how many times I came home and my parents wete babysitting and my mom was asleep with one kid in their room and dad was sleeping on the couch with the other. I felt I wanted to do the same for my mom because in her mind she was really afraid of the night. If simply holding my hand ir hearing me snore, made her feel better, I did it. My mom was not mean, rude, etc so I honestly never felt manipulated, only happy that I was able to make her feel loved. I am fortunate i was able to do this but know this is not the norm and many people don't have that luxury.
Sounds to me like she needs a pet. I would recommend a service animal for her. Perhaps a big dog would make her feel that she was protected. My mother felt that her cat would protect her. He is a 20 pounder.
Could it be that old people are afraid of dying and that at night this fear is especially dominant as there is nothing to distract them except their thoughts?
My mother never slept alone her entire life, first with her sisters then with my dad. My mom would be awake a lot during the night and it became too hard for my dad. We moved dad and the full size bed to back room and put 2 twin beds pushed together for mom. Her fear of people in the room was so bad that when mom was ready for bed, I was too! Honestly, I got more sleep and less worry being in the same room with mom. When my MIL was placed on hospuce i encouraged my SIL to sleep with her, at first she was very reluctant and didn't want to intrude. After a few nights she changed her mind. She told me after her mom died she was so happy she slept with her mom, they would have long talks into the night. This was her special time with her mom. As one of six kids, alone time became so precious. Good luck 😴
oh the poor woman. I also give my Mom 3mg of melatonin or half of that and sometimes she sleeps much better. I stay and hold her hand, rub her head and tell her stories of what a great cook she is (was) and the best mother, etc, She loves it, smiles and falls asleep. Its just like a baby but no tough love here, they need you. We all want someone when we dont feel well, or are afraid, its human nature.
Sometimes elderly revert back to having fears that they had as a child. I would recommend hiring an aide who can stay with her during an overnight period, if you can afford it. Or you can stay with her until she falls asleep and then she won't feel like she is falling asleep alone.
Regarding bedrails- this discussion often comes up with the people I work with. Over the last 30 years several hundred people have died or been injured with "bedrails" but it is impossible to count the thousands of injuries/lives they may have saved over those years. Part of the problem is there are no safety standards for home bedrails- the best example was one I saw on the internet- "rated for 250#" it had a shipping weight of 2.5#- how is that possible? Be careful of the cheap wobbly items on the market. In most cases a person doesn't roll out of bed during sleeping- the fall occurs during the process of getting in/out of bed. Having rails that are sturdy enough to aid in repositioning and to lean on in bed transfers is what a person should be considering. Very happy to get involved in any mobility related discussions.
I think in my mom's case she was afraid to either die or die alone. If it's not feasible for someone to sleep with her, how about an aid in the room. Soft music or sounds from a radio/tv can provide 'company' as well
GerryL, when my father passed away, my mom didn't like having the empty space next to her. So, I would lay next to her and we would talk about whatever crossed our thoughts. One night, I fell asleep next to her. The next morning she reminded me that it's my dad's spot, and I could not sleep there. That spot was replaced with the 3 foot body pillow she made years ago. It's quite firm. She later told me that she liked the body pillow because it makes her think my dad is next to her. She also has a night light too. And, I do give my mom 3mg of melatonin before bed. It helps relax her. Is she living in her own home or in your home? Sometime a different surrounding other than what they're used to could spark the fear. Try a body pillow and night light, to start. You can also put a chair next to her bed. You can hold her hand while you talk. Hand holding provides comfort also. Eventually, she'll fall asleep. Good luck.
When I was a young mother in my 20's my husband was transferred to the midnight shift. I was afraid alone at night. I heard every noise outside, even trees brushing against the house. This was 1969 and my husband bought a small tv for the bedroom. I would watch tv and fall asleep. We put a timer on it so it didn't stay on all night. It worked for me. In fact I'm 67 now and have been a widow since 1984. I still have to have the tv on at night. I know the situation is different, but, my point is a distraction may help. Or even a radio.
GerryL--is your mom demanding or manipulative on a regular basis? Or is this a reasonable fear for her? What I am asking is whether she gets upset in order to manipulate you to do something she wants.
Also, has something triggered this very recently or did this just start when you were not feeling well and were going to sleep on the couch? Does she live in your home or vice-versa?
I deal with the same problem. Mom is afraid to be home alone at night. She is 86, frail in body but her mind is sharp and focused. One thing I did to give her more security when I am gone is to sign up with a medical alert company. She wears a button around her neck she can push to get help if she gets into an emergency situation. I do have to sleep at her house, a situation I hope to change this coming spring, but the button gives her an added sense of security, especially when I am gone for periods during the day.
Have her sleep on the couch and put the tv on for her. Then put a tv timer on the menu option so it will turn off automatically for her in case she falls asleep and forgets to turn tv off. Also, it helps if you give her a stuff animal to cuddle with when she's laying down. Hope this helps!
A good alternative to side rails that will actually be much safer just to take a foam roll and put it under the sheet depending on how big the bed is. You can put the soft rolls on one or both sides depending on the patient's needs. What's best is there's no threat of entrapment because you can crawl right over it very safely. Something like this was used on my bed when I was younger, and it was actually very effective. The only downfall is if the bed happens to be a narrow bed, which would make bedspace very tight. This trick would work best on a bigger bed. Another trick I thought of is to put the bed against the wall corner and put a soft roll on the open side to create a secure sleeping area, and you can even put pillows up along the wall to make it even more comfortable.
After my 90 year old Dad died, my mom begged me to sleep with her. No way. Need my own room and boundaries. She would wake all night feeling his side of the bed looking for him and was miserable. Now she sleeps with a bright lamp on all night- reads and falls asleep, wakes, reads and falls asleep again. It works for her.
She takes naps during the day to catch up. She feels safe sleeping during the day. At night, I tell her good night, tell her I love her, give her a kiss. I tell her that God is watching over her and I believe that He is. She is looking forward to seeing her husband in heaven again, and she hopes, one day soon. We talka bout that sometimes.
Sorry if this offends anyone, but our faith has made this season of our lives much more bearable and it makes sense to us. All other suggestions are very good as well. We tried ambian but she would end up on the floor and her conversations under its influence did not make sense at all.
When she really can;t sleep she watches TV quietly. Good luck.
This isn't specifically addressing the question but one of those super soft, super plush blankets or throws can be very comforting to have over oneself.
I would ask questions to pinpoint.
Sometimes the night can be scarier.
Do you think the fear is due to maybe needing water, food or to get to the bathroom?
Breakins?
Loneliness?
Difficulty seeing in the dark? I would keep going down a list, but in a way as to not generate more fears if possible.
If she is a believer, she might find a prayer and/or scripture also comforting.
That is true about the rails, it sounds like a good idea, but she could hurt herself. The only thing I would do is get her medication that will help her sleep.
Oh how I hate auto correct today! I was trying to say that had my friend's hospital bed side rails were not safe, he would not have been allowed to have that set up, especially knowing that the VA was paying for it.
There are certain types of side rails that are actually safe. The modern ones which are only half rails double as a bed cane to help the person grab onto something while getting into or out of the bed. There's hardly any rail to really climb over because you can easily get around the modern kind. The only thing you have to watch is if you happen to have an additional pair down around the foot of the bed, that's the only problem right there. Other than that, the ones up at the upper half of the bed should be the only ones you really need. As long as you use only the upper rails, there's really no threat of the patient getting entangled since the rails are so small these days. In fact, an elderly friend of mine had a hospital bed with such rails, and if I work really safe, he would not have been allowed to have the hospital bed with the rails but it came with.
Be careful, though, if you use side rails. If a person tries to climb out of bed over side rails, he/she can become entangled, and the person's injuries may be more severe than if he/she rolled off the bed.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is she living in her own home or in your home? Sometime a different surrounding other than what they're used to could spark the fear. Try a body pillow and night light, to start. You can also put a chair next to her bed. You can hold her hand while you talk. Hand holding provides comfort also. Eventually, she'll fall asleep.
Good luck.
I know the situation is different, but, my point is a distraction may help. Or even a radio.
Also, has something triggered this very recently or did this just start when you were not feeling well and were going to sleep on the couch? Does she live in your home or vice-versa?
She takes naps during the day to catch up. She feels safe sleeping during the day. At night, I tell her good night, tell her I love her, give her a kiss. I tell her that God is watching over her and I believe that He is. She is looking forward to seeing her husband in heaven again, and she hopes, one day soon. We talka bout that sometimes.
Sorry if this offends anyone, but our faith has made this season of our lives much more bearable and it makes sense to us. All other suggestions are very good as well. We tried ambian but she would end up on the floor and her conversations under its influence did not make sense at all.
When she really can;t sleep she watches TV quietly. Good luck.
I would ask questions to pinpoint.
Sometimes the night can be scarier.
Do you think the fear is due to maybe needing water, food or to get to the bathroom?
Breakins?
Loneliness?
Difficulty seeing in the dark?
I would keep going down a list, but in a way as to not generate more fears if possible.
If she is a believer, she might find a prayer and/or scripture also comforting.