I have been living far from my mother since before I became an adult on my own. Many people would not understand the idea of being the parent instead of the child but some would. I have lived away and independently without a dime of help. I call and have visited her only a few times over the last 12 years. I can't say that are relationship is awful or that I hate her or that she hates me. She just has never helped herself, she is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and she has worked the same job since I was a teen. Her work cut her benefits six years back and her wages. She has been living in a hotel for more than 8 years because my older brother (whom hasn't spoken to in 10 years) got sick of her money habits. Since we were kids she frivolously spent her money and then got depressed when it was gone.
She is now in a situation where she is getting evicted because she was in the hospital and cannot pay her bills or even go to work because she has been sick. I found this out the night of. I am unemployed and a student, I live in a different state and cannot do anything for her. My older brother will not get back to me. I have given her numbers for assistance and have tried to tell her that she needs to do more and go to work even if she feels ill or go to thick, or get disability. She is turning 64 she has barely any so coming her way and when I tried to get her on Medicare she didn't bother. I don’t know what to do. She has no one and the shelters are filled to the rim where she lives. In a couple months the temperature is going to drop and she’ll freeze. I don’t know what to do and how to cope with this. She has no one but me.
It is bound to be very painful for you. You sound as if you have a good handle on your own life and moving forward. Please do not allow any emotional baggage encourage you to destroy your life in the process of being a good daughter. As a Mother, I would never expect my children to put their future in jeopardy because I made poor decisions about my own life.
You cannot successfully help someone who will not help themselves. Maybe hitting rock bottom will turn her around...again her decision.
Gob bless you both!
But if she is damaged to the point of not being able to make a good decision in her life, then I personally do not believe that "tough" and "love" ever belong in the same sentence. I actually detest the expression and consider it a grouping of psychological buzz words.
Can you try forever to help someone who rejects assistance. No. But not trying to help in any way at the outset doesn't seem compassionate either. So you start somewhere. There are plenty of people living on the street. I have heard the ridiculous opinion that they WANT to be there. I have a friend with a son who is and unmedicated schizophrenic. Even though she maintains a home for him, he will not sleep under a roof, so he wonders about, gets arrested from time to time as a vagrant (even though she manages his SS disability as an RP and he always has some money -- NOT of a grant therefor), and in general causes her feelings of torture.
This is why appleofmyeye must do her best to try to do something initially. Shoukd she ruin her life over it if her mother and that being uncooperative and non compliant? No, but she still has to start somewhere. As igloo has described, if it comes to the fact that mom can't help herself and 1 accept help from her daughter, there is the ability to report it to the state and the courts and let someone else take charge so that at least daughter knows her mom is safe. Men on the streets are not safe and women even left so. Daughter's brother(s), with his/their conditional love may find it easier to turn away from mom then daughter does with her leaning toward unconditional female love.
The most important thing is to do what's within your own comfort zone so you can look in the mirror and like yourself as well as go on with your life in a healthy way.
Now you can prevent that by determining where her SS check goes.....you kinda have 2 options which may or may not be feasible (for many reasons):
1 become her representataive payee for SS like CarolL said. If you are not her DPOA, no worries there because SS doesn't recognize DPOA's anyways. You will have to go in person to SS to do this and mom will have to go also as she will have to agree to allow this. If mom is a "showtimer" then you are screwed in doing this as SS won't allow unless everybody is all kum-ba-ya in having you become rep. payee. If you think this will happen, then you need to do whatever to show her inability to function with her SS money. You will need a bank account for it to be direct deposited into and it must be her solo account but with you as a signature and with you POD (pay on death) so that it is not an asset of her estate after death. Most banks will open a small account for them if you have the SS representative payee paperwork (a smaller community bank will do this easier than a big national player like BoA or Chase). I would look for a bank that is in your state and her state and also I'd get open my own acct there also so i can transfer funds easily into it when needed. Be especially nice with the bank officer as you may need them later on (so keep their business card). Now the rep payee has a required by the fed's reporting that you will have to do to show that you aren't squandering mom's $. But your problem is going to be mom's squandering her money.......
2. the other way is to go on-line as your mom if you are her DPOA and have her SS go into a bank account which you again are a signature and POD. You want to already have found a on-line bank and opened an account for her so that when you do the SS stuff, you just move it there for direct deposit. Google "nerd.wallet" to find banks.
For both of these, you would use the SS money to pay for her room & board and other needs. You can give her a debit card to use but if it were me, I'd open a secondary small account for the debit card and make it clear that there is no overdrafts on it. If she misuses the card, then you shut down the account. Keep the paperwork to show why too.
On the face of it, it sounds like your mom is unable to change and probably has many long-term effects from her drug & alcohol use. CarolL is spot-on on having her get a medical evaluation. If there is a medical school somewhere within driving distance, I'd get her evaluated there.
Realistically realize this is going to be a very emotional & draining & cost your time & money. Alot of this is just so dependent on your relationship with her, what seems to happen is the constant yo-yo of your taking charge and her doing good & then she takes charge of herself and then is back again destitute and you swoop in again to do...and the pattern continues. If you just don't think you have the long-term ability to do this, then you can have mom become a ward of the state. You will need to find a good probate attorney to do this and it will cost but maybe the better situation if she will need to be in a facility for her own safety and health care needs as a state ward can be placed in a facility ahead of others. You are still her daughter and can be involved in her life but the state guardian deals with making her finances and her health care decisions and is paid to do so. Good luck.
ejb is correct, she can begin collecting Social Security benefits at 62. That could get a roof over her head. Unless she is deemed disabled (and it certainly sounds like she might be mentally disabled if not physically), she wouldn't be able to get Medicaid until she is 65 when she is also eligible for Medicare. But most states have some version of what may be called "MIA" or medically indigent adult. You may need to find a way to get her near you in order for you to help her. For example, if she is found medically disabled and is willing, you could become her representative payee for SS and pay her bills with the money for her. If you believe your mother will squander her small benefit amount instead of using it to keep a roof over her head, you can certainly tell her you want help her unless she allows you to help her all the way.
Your older brother (and do you have another brother also) isn't likely to care for this arrangement. He sounds like he's washed his hands of your mother. But maybe he has good reason to do so in his mind. If you think you can find a way to get your mother closer to you, you should let him know what you're doing, ask him sincerely to voice his exact objections, listen to him but make your own decision.
Yes, it IS very difficult when the child becomes apparent. Your mom may not have dementia that many caregivers on this site have had to take over caretaking one or more parents or other relatives with that condition and becoming their parent is part of that so we know what you mean. Use of drugs and alcohol can also impair the brain so you won't truly know what you're dealing with until you get her in for a medical evaluation. Please let us know how it's going.