I've posted on here throughout my complicated journey with mom. She is 92 and diagnosed with lymphoma and Alzheimer's. She is in AL and on hospice. I was blessed to have the opportinity for both of us to make our apologies to each other for the past and whether it has finally been her getting the correct meds for her lifelong MH issues, or a softening effect of the dementia, we have grown very close. My brother is holding on to past struggles we have had with her. He refuses to see or call her and my gut feeling is that she is holding on, and suffering, hoping to see him before she passes. I know I can only control my own actions and I have gently reached out to him sharing how I have made peace as a gift to myself, but he is very abusive to me. He can't understand why I havent just let her die alone. This breaks my heart. I know it's beyond my control. I'm just looking for others who have had dysfuntional families and how they navigated end of life issues when there is a break in the family.
In my own family my Dh had a death bed epiphany with his mom. She passed 15 yrs ago and he feels anger toward his brother who chose not to come when he was called. He is in therapy these days for several issues he wants to resolve, this anger with his brother being one of them. He is not estranged from his brother but finds it incompressible that his brother chose not to see his mom. He understands that it was not his decision but his brothers to make. Yet he still feels anger and wants to let it go. I support him in getting therapy to sort it out.
I’m so glad tygrily1’s mom was able to see her son.
tygrlly's mother has passed. The above is a May 14th post.
You can let your brother know that you recognize that your Mom's grief now for her past actions may not be enough for him, wish him well and let him go. If you Mom wishes to you pass on her apologies after she is gone you can do that. And let your brother know you understand how he feels and know the limitations her actions of the past caused. Encourage him to get help for himself so that he doesn't pass on generational anger and hatred. Reassure him that his Mom's griefs were of her own limitations, and that you don't want that for him.Whether he is angry at you now or not, reassure your brother you are always open to talking with him in future, and let him go his way. I am so glad for your own and your Mom's healing.
I paid for her to fly down and for her lost wages, both from my mother’s money.
We also made Direct Cremation arrangements for my mother for when the time comes.
I have received exactly 1 text from my sister in the almost two years since then.
I do EVERYTHING that my mother needs, as far as finances and medical, and all of the usual POA responsibilities.
My sister does exactly NOTHING. Zero. Zilch.
What could she do? She could send a thank you to the caregivers at the facility. If she doesn’t have enough money for a stamp, she could cut out a postcard from a discarded piece of cardboard. Heck, I would pay for the dang postcard postage, if she needed me to. Something. Anything.
But, no.
And, can I do anything about it?
Nope.
That’s just the way it is.
My mother was far from a mushy, emotionally available mother. She did her best, which wasn’t terrific, considering the depression she suffered with, most of her life.
Now, don’t ask me what I will do when my mother passes. Will I even let my sister know, until the estate is taken care of? Probably not. I don’t want to deal with requests for her portion, until all is cleared.
There probably won’t be any money left, anyway. In which case, I will send her my spreadsheet of complete accounting of every penny since the day I became POA.
So, dear OP, you have lots of company here on the forum!
Best wishes to you, with this awful situation we find ourselves in. 🫂
You can tell her your brother is unable to come right away, came while she was asleep, or is on his way -- whatever you think would calm her down.
Personally, I'd say he came when she was asleep, told her he loved her and forgave everything. Neither of them will be any the wiser.
Your brother must have gone through a lot to have decided to have nothing to do with his mother even on her death bed.
The difference is that all the pain and damage your mother inflicted on him and you was done to innocent children who were helpless to do anything but endure your mother's abuse.
I know you dont want to think about the past now that mom is dying but to be angry at your brother for not catering to what mom wants is wrong too.
Its like saying because she is dying that everything she did doesnt matter and brother should put aside his feelings to make mom feel better. Why?
As for an inheritance I look at it as a victims compensation fund. All the damaged and pain she caused why begrudge him receiving money from mom once she dies?
Respect your brothers choice to not see his mother. And try and give him the same understanding, grace, and forgiveness you are giving your mother. He is the victim here not your mother.
Because sometimes the damage we inflict on other people has consequences. Which your mother with her diminished capacity is unable to understand at this point. Or is she?
Why does OP need to say anything. Just say you have not been in contact with brother. Is there a reason mom can't just reach out to him herself?
My family is very dysfunctional because my mother was an abusive bully when my sisters and I were growing up. The three of us have lots of baggage. For many of us hard feelings simply don’t evaporate because their parent is dying. I’ve gotten past some of what happened to me, but not all of it. Many people cannot be so forgiving .
Respect your brother’s feelings because they are valid and just let it go.
In our situation, an LO had designated two “dependent” POAs, but when they were activated we learned that the bank that we had to use insisted that the POA be re-written, requiring us to be able to function independent of one another.
Within a few months, the other POA moved 1,000 miles away (after promising to remain as long as LO lived), leaving me with presumably whatever “care” I’d be motivated to offer.
Although this fairly quickly became a blessing rather than a curse, it still meant that it was “my care” or “no care”.
I’ve been taking a bereavement course since losing LO, and one of the points raised early on is that you CANNOT REALLY UNDERSTAND how people choose to react, EVEN WHEN you seem to share mutual circumstances with them.
I really don’t (and CAN’T) understand what caused the other POA to do something that to me seems like abandonment, but the other POA clearly doesn’t see this in the same way as I do.
You are aware of his “past struggles”, but you have reconciled your feelings in ways that he appears unable to do, and I’m not sure if interpreting his reactions as being abusive to you really reflect anything but an anger towards your mother that he simply can’t resolve.
His comment seems savage to you because you have found yourself at a better place but that may be nothing more than “I like asparagus and you can’t stand it”.
Can you reframe his comments and conduct so as to be more at peace for yourself, and tell your mother, that he “says he can’t come today”, and allow her cognitive losses to take her wherever they must in terms of her desire to see him?
We all have seen family members with dementia express their desires to meet with others who are long deceased. This may be where she (your mother) is too.
If you feel that you’ve done all you can, it may be the time for you to let this go. Nothing about end of life is very kind to those who live it themselves, or as companions of others.
Be sure that whatever actions you take are prompted by the most peaceful interactions you have access to, including to your mother and yourself, and if possible, to your brother.
You and your mom are in a better place.
Now the difficult thing will be to be ready and willing to do the same with your brother. It may not happen until your mom dies.
If he would be willing to watch a video of mom is it possible that you could record her and send him the video? Would he accept that, would mom if she comprehends that would she be willing to send him a message?
If he won't watch it it might be nice for you to have so that he could view it at a later time when he is less filled with anger, hurt, fear, or whatever he is feeling
Some people are not worth your worry and wringing of hands, and he’s one of them. Concentrate on your relationship with mom and refuse to be drawn into any drama with him.
In other words, this is a good time to mind your own business.
I wish you well.
You can tell your Mom a therapeutic fib, that your brother couldn't come today because... "he's out of town", etc. If you have pics of him on your phone, you can show her those (even if they aren't current ones). Then change the topic to redirect the conversation.
You can consider recording a video message from your Mom to him, but only show it to him if he ever expresses regrets about not seeing her. May your family receive healing and you work on having peace in your heart that many things in life are not fixable.