My beloved aunt lives alone and has dementia. Her loving daughters are running out of money for a full-time caretaker. How can we persuade her to move to the wonderful assisted living facility in her community (it would be paid for by insurance)? If we cannot persuade her, how can we move her (she is lucid enough to sound competent)?
From your last comment, I can tell you that it would be wisest and easier on everyone, including your aunt, if you put her in assisted living or whatever is appropriate for her. Your situation just screams no. Been there, done that, don't kill yourself trying to do the impossible. JMHO.
But I'm going to take issue with one response in particular:
"Simple answer, your Aunt, unless she raised you.... is NOT your responsibility...................period."
My aunt, my mother's sister, was widowed at the age of 56 due to an egregious hospital error perpetrated upon her husband, also 56, and with no ability for resolution through malpractice. They had no children. Due in full to my aunt and her husband, she and my mother were estranged from 1952 (when l was 7 years old) until 1982, when my great aunt died. Mom & aunt just never spoke of the past and what on as if nothing had happened.
My birthday was the day before my aunt's and she always felt a special connection to me because of that. With my mother's personality, one did not have a relationship with someone she was angry at, so I was also estranged from my aunt during those 30 years. But when it was " acceptable" for me to have a relationship with her, we bonded over love for my great aunt and over our animals, of which both of us had many. In short order, she asked me, if anything happened to her, would I take care of her animals, to which I agreed.
Unbeknownst to me, she went to her attorney and set me up as medical and financial POA as well as her heir. She lived in No. CA while the rest of us lived in So. CA so we didn't realize that, over time, she had become a cranky, reclusive alcoholic. She "retired" early but I found paperwork later that she had been fired. She was an accounting manager and she was treating her employees very badly. They give her time to clean up her act so to speak but she couldn't seem to do it. Of course, it was the alcohol talking, which eventually lead to the dementia.
At the time, my mom and I were dealing with my dads Alzheimer's so we were unable to take trips up north. Over the phone, for short conversations, let's just say she hid it well. It wasn't until she fell and the paramedics reported the squalor in her home, cat and dog feces everywhere and the hardwood floor under the carpet completely warped from urine soaking through. Smell-o-vision anyone?
Without rehashing the timeline, I stepped in and basically saved her. She was near death; the doctors didn't think she would survive very long. But I took care of her for 6-1/2 years and she was probably more well then she had been in the last 30.
Every circumstances different and there are no blanket rules. My and didn't raise me and, due to no fault of my own, I didn't even know her for more than half of my life. But this was my decision to take care of her and not turn her over to a public guardian. I took care of her because I could and because in my case it was the right thing to do. That doesn't mean it's right or not for someone else to take on that responsibility..................period.
I have found all of the responses and other peoples stories helpful and is hope that the responses to me did nit take away from you Stephan. Our situations were similar so I hope you benefited from all of the stories too. CarolLyn is so right...each circumstance is very different and each family dynamic is different. Re: convincing to go to AL or NH...I am in the middle of that now so I do not know how to do it but I have no ability to provide 24 hour care in my home unless it can be provided through insurance which I am quite sure is not...my thought now is to find a place in my town or very close by so that I can bring her to my house as much as possible, but still have somewhere for her to be taken care of when I can't do it....not sure if I can get her to go along with this...she just wants to go home...and who can blame her. re: will insurance pay? It will for some I think..but if she doesn't have tons of money..you need to file for Medicaid for her..this requires a lot of paperwork so good to start early. It requires lots of digging through paperwork in her home and trips to her banks...etc. you need the POA to get the info from the banks and they need to bring that documentation with them to the bank. Good luck
I have thought of that....and I can understand how it may cause more problems by bringing her home. I brought her home for thanksgiving and it was fine (difficult to take care of her but emotionally fine)... But the next day she told me she should have had us drop her off at her apt. I tried to explain to her that we couldn't/wouldn't do that and if we did, we would have to live with extreme guilt when she fell and hurt or killed herself....but I don't know that she really understands that, she just wants to be home. I am just hoping for the best, but I see the situation getting farther out of my controll. Her body/mind is determining the way things will go now. Very difficult. Thanks for your thoughts on this and for sharing your experiences. It helps me and hopefully others reading.