I'm 32 years old, I'm a survivor of childhood emotional abuse and neglect as well as physical abuse, which in turn lead me to have a low self worth and ultimately, lead to my decision to get married in my late teens (adult) of course. I married had children and this turned out to be a very toxic marriage, I'm now a DV survivor. I worked very hard to get some level of independence. However my mom has been my first abuser for years and not only that but she's made it nearly impossible for me as an adult not to need her, from trying to brainwash me that everyone that's not her is only coming in my life to destroy my life, to every single man on this earth is a Jeffrey Epstein she has an unhealthy obsession with predators, we all know they exist and I myself as an SA survivor I know what to look out for and the proper precautions to take, but this seems to be her way of keeping me from getting in a relationship or ever getting married again. I'm in no rush but I noticed she works extra hard to make sure I have no time alone that I always have at least one child with me and they have to report back to her everything. Im 32 and I still don't have a driver's license, where I live it's unattainable without someone kind enough to let you borrow their car and driving schools don't allow their cars to be used for the road test, it wasn't a priority for my mom to teach me when I was a teen, and my toxic ex husband refused to allow me to drive, so I've been in this decade long fight trying to get a driver's license on my own, Im unable to keep jobs or have any stability due to this and co workers quickly lose respect for me when they see me being picked up and dropped off by my mom and my kids all in the back of the car. I had one opportunity to buy a proper running car during the pandemic but because I was staying with her due to a move she begged and begged me to not buy a car, and unfortunately where I live from my knowledge you cant buy a car without a license I had no one to register it with. I'm really in the dark about car buying I try to figure it out but I have no help, but the fact she begged me to not buy a car knowing I'm a single mom made me question her intensions? I worked and worked over the years busting my a** on min wage jobs losing them due to transportation issues mainly, and my final straw was after my mom met me after work after I Uber'd home and she beat me with a heavy duty tripod upside my head striking me multiple times until I collapsed and that wasn't good enough she had my brother who very large in height and weight pin me down so that I couldn't escape then when I somehow managed to get out of it, she told him to go and get the gun to shoot me with(he didn't). All of this occured after a bad argument we had and I told her I was leaving and that I was taking the kids with me after she called social services on me and then lied and said the neighbor did it, and told several different stories, whatever narrative she tried to spin, and whatever response they had sent her into rage, but idk how true her story is, or if by me saying I was leaving and taking the kids , it sent her into a rage. I'm permanently traumatized 4 broken teeth later, she really made sure to try and disfigure me. the assault left me painfully hurt, confused and I had to resign from my job, we moved out a month later, fast forward it's been almost two years since that happened and me distancing myself trying to get my life in order, but a struggle with no access to transportation, I occasionally rely on her for rides or I'm forced to have to report to her if I use ride share which is rare, she is constantly trying to find opportunities to be a part of my regular daily life, using things that I would have normally said yes to out being necessity, but I will pay double on grocery delivery, I've been unemployed on snap benefits almost a year, all she talks about is me getting a job and her watching my kids or us going to work the same job togeth
You need to break all ties with your mother.
You are allowing this abuse affect and effect your children.
To break all ties with her will take another big step and it is frightening. Sort of like a doctor amputating a foot to save the leg, it is painful but it has to be done sometimes in order to save the life.
PLEASE listen/read the posts that others will write with sage advice.
(Please do not let her watch your kids...(and how is she planning on watching your kids if she is going to work with you?) this is another way to keep you down.)
Idk if my mom wanting to do everything with me is a sense of guilt and her trying to find ways to be like how things were prior to that incident or if it's all some goal to stalk me and keep an eye on everything I'm doing, it just feels really weird and copy cat, it's like I can't have any identity of my own. I went to school for something suddenly she wants to do the same exact thing in the same exact field.
I go to work she wants to work that same job, but refuses to go to work any other time, for a long time I was the household bread winner even after I had already moved out, while her and my brother just did what they've been doing, stay home, in peoples business on social media lay around the house and have their hand out not only for bills but non essentials and I would just give it to them.
At that time I was working from home, but that quickly phased out they started sending people back into the office and I couldn't get there.
As of right now I have to sneak and get a job, because things have just gotten so bad financially, I will have to walk 4 miles per day to it if I get hired, my goal is to save up enough to get myself a car and find someone who can privately teach me how to drive for an affordable cost.
The driving schools want around 1000 dollars for just a few lessons and I took lessons in the past but all the school ever did was tell me, I need to practice on the days I'm not doing the driving school with a "friend" or "family member" and the schools don't do pick up you have to go there and it's illegal to use the school car for the road test in my state, it used to didn't be but it had something to do with car jackings and they put that law in place and it's just another block.
My oldest are teenagers so they can watch the youngest for a few hours,so that I can go to work. It's just maneuvering around my mom and her excessive calling and her unannounced visits, thankfully her car is not running.
If she gets wind that im going back to work for an in person job, because of us living about a half hour away, she will try and stay with me in my house to give me rides to and from work and to "watch the kids" and she's going to know everything, my schedule down to my pay day and be in my pocket, it will be cutting my nose off to spite my face.
Once I get a car and a license I do plan on leaving the state, I've tried to escape before but it just didnt work out without a car.
You seem to have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with your Mother, otherwise how do you explain your inability to ban her from your life? She is no helpless. And if you have kids and are allowing this woman into your life, this is a YOU problem, not a her problem.
As hard as it may be you need to learn how to live completely without her (not asking for rides or anything from her). Others will post about Gray Rock and F.O.G. Please take their advice.
I'm an elder in my church and I will suggest you contact churches to ask for help: financial, transportation, job opportunities. You don't have to be a member or even a believer. You may have to contact several. My church is not big but we help people in similiar situations like yours all the time. We have a dedicated Benevolent Fund (which is just for charitable uses). People in need just walk in or call. Please use this resource.
My grandmother's mother was married to an abuser and went to the Catholic Church with all her kids and the church told her to go back to her husband. Granted this was like in the 1800's but it still happens even in 2024. Plus many don't believe a 30 something year old woman can be abused by their own parent. But they are and can be as we see with the OP and many others who have posted here.