My widowed dad is 91. He has diabetes, kidney disease, gout, edema and occasional incontinence. He is overweight and not in good physical shape. He also has some age related memory loss and sometimes gets confused. But he still lives on his own in his house, drives, gets his groceries. He is very independent and refuses home care. He owned his own business and he has that self made man identity that makes him unable to see how much his own abilities have diminished.
He got it into his head that now that his dog has died he wants to travel and he invited himself onto our trip to Maui next February. There is no way he is going. He can barely walk two blocks without needing to sit down. He has fallen a number of times in the last few years and ended up in emergency twice. And while he can remember how to get around the small town he lives in, I could not trust him to go anywhere on his own in Maui without getting lost. He has trouble operating the phone on his iPhone and sometimes forgets his pin on his debit/credit card. He would need a constant chaperone and many places we like to go, like beaches for snorkeling and surfing or trails for walks and hikes he just couldn’t go.
I’ve thought about all the ways I could make this work for him but every scenario leads to a trip that is going to be miserable for me and my spouse and has a decent chance of Dad ending up in a Maui hospital, which is a big problem because we all live on the west coast of Canada.
It breaks my heart to tell him that he is too old and frail to do this kind of long distance travel. I know he will be upset. And yes, a part of me feels guilty and selfish, but my spouse and I work hard and need this vacation for us. I am my Dad’s primary caregiver and I get burnt out and need time away from caring for him. Anyone been through this? How did you handle it?
My so’s grandma had a betta fish in her AL. She also had an aide that would change its quart of water every few days. There was no aquarium setup and of course no vet care.
Perhaps his caregiver can take him on an outing or two while you're away?
Aloha!
You say "No." It isn't safe for you and I feel very sad about this . . . then you change the subject.
Get out your feelings elsewhere - get support from friends, here, social worker. Don't dump on him and explain 'away'.
Be clear and understand why you need to set boundaries so you feel confident (enough) when talking with him. Hold his hand while you do. Don't make it a prolonged discussion. If you can 'tie in' another person staying with him . . . or him doing activities he might enjoy . . . do this. If it was me, I'd make it very short.
Another way, if he forgets is NOT tell him you are going.
Touch Matter, Gena.
If just getting there wears him out, he may stay at the hotel all the time anyway. So 24 hr provider with him would be company and to keep him out of trouble. Would allow you private time and a break, too.
Otherwise, is there a shorter trip you could include him on? And take a caregiver to help him out. A cruise is a self contained fun ship. He would never have to leave the ship...or possible just use scooter/wheelchair to get into the port shops. Then back to the ship. That might be a better trip that you could do with him - separate/adjoining rooms with someone else doing the caregiving. Might be fun.
They don't want him going on the trip with them and that is understandable. A married couple sometimes wants to take a vacation by themselves. A family caregiver needs to get away from the person they take care of day in and day out.
All the chaperones and scooters and assistance in the world don't matter. The bottom line is the OP needs to get away from her elderly father for a while. As in taking a vaccation from him, not with him. Everyone needs a break from time to time.
I remember when my in-laws invited themselves on a vacation. They're independent and neither of us were their caregivers. We did not get a minute to ourselves. Never again.