Mom is 95, lives on her own. Still somewhat coherent but repeats things. Refuses any help to clean and gets mad and says she hates me, hangs up on me if I suggest someone to clean the toilet and floors. Always worried about money, but has enough to pay bills.
She has poor vision, had major heart surgery and a broken hip 4 years ago. She is able to write a check with a magnifying glass. She won’t go in an assistive living or NH. I don’t want to live with her because she has a mean streak. Just getting belligerent and says house not dirty. Tell her she has poor vision, poor hearing, but she does not care. Just got out of hospital with a diverticulosis issue but still very difficult. She is bull headed and very strong will. She complains she is tired but refuses care. What to do?
But if somebody has told you repeatedly that they don't want you to do something, and you decide you know better and you go ahead and do it anyway, you are still entitled to your opinion that it needed doing but you have no right whatsoever to be surprised, let alone hurt, if they are seriously pissed off with you. Not because you cleaned the toilet, but because you ignored what they said and trampled all over their personal space.
Listen to what your mother says. This is her house and not yours. Zip it about the help, keep your ears pinned back, and wait for her to tell you what she wants.
And if she doesn't? Well, what about it? Nobody's forcing you to use her toilet.
I just can't imagine. But then...if I hadn't gone every few days when Mom was caring for my sister out if town, I probably would have the same thing with my Dad. Bad enough what I did clean up. And ladies men are this way because their mothers said "that's boys". I am so lucky with my DH. MIL had 3 boys and a husband and she must have trained them right.
You may just have to put your foot down and tell her that if she doesn't allow you or someone else occasionally to clean that you will have no choice but to be looking into her going into a nursing facility.
Good luck.
And Dad lives in a suite in my brother's house.
My brother never thought to check if Dad needed help cleaning and Dad uses a walker so of course he is not stable to bend to clean the toilet.
Dad had a twice a month cleaning lady, but that ended when Covid hit, so it has been 7 months before I took the photos. I did it to shame my brother, not Dad.
I did clean it as well as I could after I took the photos. My bother said he would make sure he cleaned it for Dad.
Sometimes seniors do not want to ask for help or admit that they are losing the abilities. My bother walked through Dad's suite daily to get to his home office, I do nto know how he missed the smell, but it never occurred to him to check the bathroom and Dad did not ask for help.
Vision & mobility problems.. Add lack of trust.. in your vision & judgement that a cleaner is required + add lack of trust of strangers in her house.
Add frugal with money.
Add strong independent streak.
That sum = no change.
(Besides cleaning it yourself).
How about the bigger hygiene picture? Floors? Stale food in fridge? Able to bathe?Change & wash clothing?
Often these fall into 'just leave it' or 'I'll manage' or 'I'll do it later'. All good cover ups for *I can't actually manage it anymore but I won't ask for help*.
Or maybe everything is fine, just a slightly less than ideal toilet.
The part that hurts is she says she hates me because I suggest someone to help her. Hangs up on me. She is brought meals every week from a restaurant and will call my daughter tell her what to send her. She never uses the words. Thank you, please, sorry or apologize. We tried to get her to go to an assisted living facility, which was nice, but won’t. My brother has Parkinson’s and sister in law can’t going over there. I live in another state and she refuses to come.
It’s getting so difficult and she just keeps getting meaner, but nice when she wants someone to bring her restaurant food.
Otherwise, drop it, at least you don't live there.
There is usually a crisis that does happen at some point to stubborn elders who refuse help. That's when they get placed against their will and have NO say about it. That may be what happens with your mom, especially if she's going down the dementia path.
Best of luck.