My boyfriend wants to move his mom (84) into the house we have just purchased, without my consent. I don’t want to be her caretaker. Advice?

You just laid out all the reasons for not marrying your BF and not taking on the care giving for his mom. Your gut has the answers. I considered moving my mom in for a while but my husband said no way and I know he's right. It is exhausting and financially difficult already. Your BF wants to shift the burden without your consent. You still have time to save yourself.

Wow! Read everything you wrote again. Keep your money and walk away!
“people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.”
Prayers for you….🙏🏽🙏🏽

OMG I suffer from motion sickness and "scrolling" thru just to see OPs replies made me nauseous.😊

I will put it this way, he is a man. All he saw was his Mom is 84 and lives 15 hrs away and she needs care. Since you are putting a lot into the house money wise, he "should" have consulted with you before making the offer to Mom. Now "he" needs to retract the invite and you may be the scapegoat. He needs to tell Mom he talked it over with you and came to the decision that he is asking too much of you. That you can not help her with anything physically. You also have a 15 yr old that you still need to be there for. Also a 20 yr old that may need to move back in, the reason for the extra room that "you" are paying for. That he needs to work f/t so cannot be there 5 days out of a week. That the solution seems to be Mom selling her house and moving closer to you into an AL. There she will have space of her own, socialization, transportation and activities. Or an AL where she is now because she still has friends there.

I love where he thought you would care for her basically because you love him and you have done it before. My response would have been "yes I have done it before and that's why I won't do it again"

Seems like you are pretty independent and do not share bank accts. I am surprised you are going in on a house together. I would keep very good records on the money you put out. I would always give him mortgage payments by check or thru a banking app where you have proof of transfer. Make sure there is some kind of paper trail.

You are not wrong in your feelings. She is not you mother and you probably do not know her that well. The last thing I wanted was my MIL living with us. She was going to be given a choice between her 3 sons she would live with or near after a hospital and Rehab stay. Well, she didn't get along with the one DIL so that would not even been considered. BIL and wife had the perfect house. A cape cod. Nice bedroom and bath on the ground floor. They had 3 bedrooms and office upstairs. My DH said "why should brother give up his bedroom". Why should I give up my Den I live in practically? In my house she would have had a bedroom, use of a bath and my Den as her sitting room. The brother never had children. His In-laws passed by the time they were 65. FIL took care of his wife when she was dying and he died with a heart attack so no Caregiving either. My MIL passed at 92 before we had to make decisions.

Please update us on how things turn out. We really learn things from each other.

Don't marry/live with a partner who does not prioritize the relationship with YOU; don't mingle finances until it's clear all major decisions must be mutual, not unilateral. Sounds like your down payment is making it easy for boyfriend to get his mom a safer place to live with a built-in female caregiver. Sorry, but unilateral decisions don't make for a healthy partnership.

I need to ask why you are in this relationship if he is lazy and disrespectful? It doesn't get better.

It may have been worth 35000 to find this out before you married him. Escape! Try and get your money back, but don't let it be the deciding factor.

Lazy and disrespectful are not attributes I would learn to live with, ever. Not for any reason. When you do not want to do something that is life-altering, you get to choose to say no and walk away. It is your life.

In the last few days, OP has posted that she and BF have talked through MIL’s care, agreed that she is not moving in, BF has apologised, and is now taking a different approach to MIL’s financial issues. OP and BF have been to an estate lawyer, talked through the financial risks and issues for each of them, and their legal and contribution arrangements have also changed. It seems as though the first site posters really helped, and changed things for OP. OP was clearly furious when she first posted, and was also reliving problems from her first marriage.

OP then said “to anyone else who is keeping up with this thread, I appreciate those who are trying to help and have constructive info and questions for me that are meant to then give informed advice having all the variables that are part of the situation known. I’m sorry if so many people felt the need to comment on my posts and ask questions and it made this so long. But for those who are sick of reading this thread, just quit, you’re not being forced to comment or read and if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended”. Seems fair enough!

This would be a deal-breaker for me for sure. It's good that you wrote. You went through this with your dad so this isn't your first rodeo. If I were hoping to use my wife's money for a down payment I would be kissing her a** rather than being a dictator and giving her no choice. Run don't walk!

Maybe we need to look at this from a different perspective. Boyfriend is woking 11 hours a day. OP is only working part time and has one teenager and a daughter of unknown age with a history of instability and issues.

Boyfriend did not want to buy a house but OP pressured boyfriend into buying.

OP states that she doesn't expect to be physically able to work much longer due to her own health issues and physical disabilities so that means boyfriend will be the only one earning an income.

OPs only complaint is she doesnt want his mother moving in because she is soon to be permanently disabled. What will happen to OP when she can't physically do anything for herself? Will she expect the boyfriend or her children to take care of her? Or will she go into a nursing home as she expects boyfriends mother to do? I wonder what choices and decisions she will make and will she put her loved ones in the position to lift and take care of her and possibly injure themselves as she did taking care of her father?

I think OP is using boyfriend. She brings nothing to the table in the relationship other than her 35,000. But that comes with a lot of strings attached.

Thiking only about you and yours. What about him and his? If you love him reconsider. Your actions will only cause resentment and in time you and your bad back will be struggling to pay for that new home!

NotaslavetoMIL: It is IMPERATIVE that you refuse to take care of a woman, who is not even your MIL.

Glad you worked it out. Good for you.

My response is probably late.
My response will be unapologetically callous but frank! RUN! I would NOT close on that house if he’s going to start off by making this major decision without your input. That is a red flag that for the rest of your relationship … if it leads to marriage … your input will be never be required when he is making major decisions that impact you. I wouldn’t care if anyone thought I was selfish in those circumstances, he’s being selfish. Too often women are expected to be “nice girls” and accept crap to keep others happy. Put yourself first! When you tell him you won’t be able to assist in her care you will see the real man. He’s making this decision because “he HAS YOU!” RUN!

Well girl, you cut your cloth to fit the pattern. You know what must be done….Good thing you found out now…
good on you for taking care of dad. It is the most incredibly taxing job a person can EVER have.
my suggestion: (and 2 cents)
Stop the press until he gets a second, third or 4th job to pay for her monthly expense in ASSISTED living, or she can have your room and you move on… don’t walk …RUN!

Not a slave….just here to say well wishes to you and your family. So glad y’all saw an attorney and hopefully settled the issues. That’s good to hear! Good luck and blessings to you. Liz

It's your decision as well as his. Best wishes whatever you both decide to do. Nobody on here can tell you what to do.

You can also learn to work it out.

I took care of my mom for 15 years and she always came first in my life. She required very maximum care.

Fortunately I have a very understanding employer and I was able to work one day a week for years. That day I worked my husband watched my mom while I worked. She died late 2019 at age 90 years, 3 months. Mum had a litany of chronic diseases not restricted to end-stage Alzheimer's, others included insulin-dependent diabetes, chronic kidney disease, cancer of the liver, and heart issues. She was a challenge but mom was comfortable to the end and two years of hospice. I am very thankful for my husband helping me keep it together and he did help. He thought of my mum as his mom. You know, family. I guess that is what marriage is about. I will always be grateful for my husband and that kind of love will keep us together.

You say no, I don't agree to your mother moving in.
It is up to him to decide how to react to that. You have one week to settle it. He either finds his mum a nearby home or you don't move in together but give him one week to decide since all your money has been put into the home.
If he says he won't move into the house with you, you can rest assured your relationship would not have survived the stress of his mother living with you.

Thank you, Margaret and Geaton, for highlighting that the OP has provided a recent update. Updates can be very hard to find when they are buried deep within posts.

I still have concerns (is it a strictly real estate attorney who has now been consulted?). And this in particular: "We both agreed that If his mother needs to move in when she becomes disabled enough to need care it will only be temporary until she finds a faculty to help her and she will pay for her care out of her own pocket from the sale of her house."

"Temporary" has an entirely different meaning in the world of elders!!!

I hope the OP comes back to update us. I realize that she probably won't, though.

A man can have many girlfriends or spouses (serially, that is), but only one mother. Since he has made this decision, you’ve lost the battle. If your name is on the deed, you get to take your half and walk away. If not, you are SOL.

You have one week; see a lawyer now.

To be honest you have to consider your own health, your not being selfish, just realistic. I don't feel your boyfriend will hear/take on board your opinion, for these reasons I'd cancel the sale. If you do go ahead what happens if he gives up his job to look after his mum? You stand to lose your home and savings.

Oh my, don’t do it! Also, why are you putting the down payment by yourself? That’s a huge red flag, also what you say about him and the fact that he will move his Mom into your house doesn’t sound right. I understand it’s his responsibility to help his Mom but not at the cost of your relationship. You have to think about yourself and your kids, you have been through a marriage and divorce before so you are not naive at all the things that can go wrong. Taking your Mother in law in will be a very stressful situation for everyone involved. Maybe you would be better off dating and not moving in together. Let him take his Mom to live with him elsewhere, not your house. Good luck!

Having found this site and reading so many different situations, some settled, some people in agony trying to settle a situation, some people being pelted by family members, all having an opinion, many not understanding how very difficult it is to send your husband, your father or mother of to a place where you can never know exactly what goes on daily with your loved one, especially if they have any kind of dementia. For me, it has become a horrible time in my life and marriage. I am 70, my husband 77 and he is disabled beyond repair with arthritis, kidney disease, heart failure, wears braces 24/7, swelling in legs/feet and his memory is going. He hadn't had a fall in 3 months until last Sat. . He didn't break anything, just a cut which I fixed up, but I live literally on the edge worrying what will come next. Last week he had a reaction with a pain/sleep med prescribed by a doctor that another doctor referred us to. Well known, respected, not a fly by night clinic. He prescribed this med, at a lower dose and after about 4 week his brain turned to mush, peeing in his urinal and then drinking it before it registered with me what he was doing. Called an ambulance, went to hospital (we have 3 in the area) and was treated to 3 different doctors, all with different opinions, (the nurses most anyway were good) but the doctors would tell us what was going on, then another would come in when the shifts changed and we would start all over again. I even had a different opinion from my son in law who is a family practice doctor. One said my husband would be there maybe for 2 days, but he was kicked out in less than 24 hours, (Medicare not paying because they said the tests they did could have been done on a outpatient basis) home care nurse for a half hour once a week for 3 weeks. Communicated with primary care doctor, guess what-another opinion. I told her how the discharge papers were very inaccurate, under change in medication, nothing about taking him off the bad sleep/pain killer, but he did write to have him stop taking his vitamins. Yes, vitamins. Does the word quack come to mind, but no comment on that. I did finally tell my husband about all the opinions (his dementia improved after they took him off that med which should not have been combined with the pain killers he was already taking, He got very upset, scared and made it clear he would not go into a nursing home. If he falls more, I can no longer help him up so either have to call an ambulance or ask my son in law to come over and he has had enough on his plate. I cry a lot, he said I was doing fine, and I said no, I am not. I personally am not doing fine. I tell you all this because I understand the awful decisions, people telling you should do this or that, watching your family member suffer, wondering if he would suffer more in what are mostly incompetent nursing homes, money or lack thereof, other family members not helping much if at all, depression, anxiety, lack of self care and finally, loving your family member, in my case, my husband of 36 years, so much you are incapable of making a decision cause you are afraid it will be the wrong one. So, I understand. So many opinions, all meaning well, some make sense, some you abhor, wondering when or how this will end- I even worry about dying first and then where would my husband end up. I guess, bottom line, you have to do what feels right to you and your situation and let others have opinions, they may be valid for them, but only you can know what is valid for you. I think if you are in a place you feel a decision has to made for a nursing home, gather calm loving family and tell your loved one you can't do it anymore, and do tons of research, surprise visits to different skilled nursing homes, look at reviews-don't count on online reviews-talk to real people, and talk to someone who knows the ropes and aren't trying to make a sale. And, try to take car of yourself.

Admin - Would it be difficult to post the OP’s questions and answers in a different color? It’s really hard to scroll through all of the answers looking for an update - just a suggestion. Thanks.

When I married my husband, he had a sibling with autism, a father with a stroke that left him not capable of speaking normally, a mother who also had medical problems. He never asked any of them to live with us because he knew it would ruin our marriage. He may have saw the signs because he grew up with a disabled brother. Your boyfriend has never cared to a disabled person. It requires constant care and attention. I never realized how hard it was until my mother lived with us.

So you just wrote that your boyfriend is just like his mom - irresponsible and lazy and doesn’t listen to you. I think you have answered your question.

Dear Notaslave:
If you respond after the home closing could you do it with a new thread, please. It is impossible, with 180 responses on this thread to comb through 6 pages of stuff looking for your latest posts.
I myself would be really interested not in the discussions in the household about who will move in and who will not, but about how you choose to buy this house with your boyfriend, what experts you use, and how the deed and LEGAL agreements are written. That's all that is important. Whomever lives in the home the future will tell. It may be all of you, it may be none. Truly my only interest here is that you PROTECT YOURSELF LEGALLY.
Best of luck. Let us know if you give up on the home, or buy it protecting you interests legally.

Because people keep on posting without reading, I will repeat:

“In the last few days, OP has posted that she and BF have talked through MIL’s care, agreed that she is not moving in, BF has apologised, and is now taking a different approach to MIL’s financial issues. OP and BF have been to an estate lawyer, talked through the financial risks and issues for each of them, and their legal and contribution arrangements have also changed. It seems as though the first site posters really helped, and changed things for OP. OP was clearly furious when she first posted, and was also reliving problems from her first marriage.

“OP then said “if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended”. Seems fair enough!”

For anyone who doesn’t know, you can stop ‘following’ a thread (and getting updates in your ‘news’ box) by clicking on the three dots that come up to the right of a news post.

I am going to do this now, because these continuing comments are driving me around the twist!

I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. --- is what you would do for your father. You also would allow your own daughter to move in. It would seem from his perspective, if your relatives are welcome to come and go, it should work both ways. You say your daughter can't visit if his mom is there -- sure she can. She can visit and you double up on sleeping arrangements while she visits. You may not want to be a caretaker to his mom, but your justification indicates you resent his mom being there while your family should be accepted with open arms by him.

If mom can sell her home and have money to live on, why not use the money for her care should he decide to allow his relative in the house - same as you.

Just my opinion, but who can live with you seems a little one sided. Perhaps you should reconsider this relationship. It's a 50/50 thing. Maybe buying a house and continuing the relationship is not in your best interest or his at this point.