My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
My response will be unapologetically callous but frank! RUN! I would NOT close on that house if he’s going to start off by making this major decision without your input. That is a red flag that for the rest of your relationship … if it leads to marriage … your input will be never be required when he is making major decisions that impact you. I wouldn’t care if anyone thought I was selfish in those circumstances, he’s being selfish. Too often women are expected to be “nice girls” and accept crap to keep others happy. Put yourself first! When you tell him you won’t be able to assist in her care you will see the real man. He’s making this decision because “he HAS YOU!” RUN!
Boyfriend did not want to buy a house but OP pressured boyfriend into buying.
OP states that she doesn't expect to be physically able to work much longer due to her own health issues and physical disabilities so that means boyfriend will be the only one earning an income.
OPs only complaint is she doesnt want his mother moving in because she is soon to be permanently disabled. What will happen to OP when she can't physically do anything for herself? Will she expect the boyfriend or her children to take care of her? Or will she go into a nursing home as she expects boyfriends mother to do? I wonder what choices and decisions she will make and will she put her loved ones in the position to lift and take care of her and possibly injure themselves as she did taking care of her father?
I think OP is using boyfriend. She brings nothing to the table in the relationship other than her 35,000. But that comes with a lot of strings attached.
OP then said “to anyone else who is keeping up with this thread, I appreciate those who are trying to help and have constructive info and questions for me that are meant to then give informed advice having all the variables that are part of the situation known. I’m sorry if so many people felt the need to comment on my posts and ask questions and it made this so long. But for those who are sick of reading this thread, just quit, you’re not being forced to comment or read and if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended”. Seems fair enough!
Any time I see a post with 160+ comments, I figure the OP has gotten her answer about 100 comments ago! LOL
I'm glad the OP seems to have straightened out the earlier issues with her b/f and I wish them all well.
I will put it this way, he is a man. All he saw was his Mom is 84 and lives 15 hrs away and she needs care. Since you are putting a lot into the house money wise, he "should" have consulted with you before making the offer to Mom. Now "he" needs to retract the invite and you may be the scapegoat. He needs to tell Mom he talked it over with you and came to the decision that he is asking too much of you. That you can not help her with anything physically. You also have a 15 yr old that you still need to be there for. Also a 20 yr old that may need to move back in, the reason for the extra room that "you" are paying for. That he needs to work f/t so cannot be there 5 days out of a week. That the solution seems to be Mom selling her house and moving closer to you into an AL. There she will have space of her own, socialization, transportation and activities. Or an AL where she is now because she still has friends there.
I love where he thought you would care for her basically because you love him and you have done it before. My response would have been "yes I have done it before and that's why I won't do it again"
Seems like you are pretty independent and do not share bank accts. I am surprised you are going in on a house together. I would keep very good records on the money you put out. I would always give him mortgage payments by check or thru a banking app where you have proof of transfer. Make sure there is some kind of paper trail.
You are not wrong in your feelings. She is not you mother and you probably do not know her that well. The last thing I wanted was my MIL living with us. She was going to be given a choice between her 3 sons she would live with or near after a hospital and Rehab stay. Well, she didn't get along with the one DIL so that would not even been considered. BIL and wife had the perfect house. A cape cod. Nice bedroom and bath on the ground floor. They had 3 bedrooms and office upstairs. My DH said "why should brother give up his bedroom". Why should I give up my Den I live in practically? In my house she would have had a bedroom, use of a bath and my Den as her sitting room. The brother never had children. His In-laws passed by the time they were 65. FIL took care of his wife when she was dying and he died with a heart attack so no Caregiving either. My MIL passed at 92 before we had to make decisions.
Please update us on how things turn out. We really learn things from each other.
“people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.”
Prayers for you….🙏🏽🙏🏽
If he is lazy guess who is going to be stuck with the payments? If he is disrespectful now, just wait until you mose in together.
If he brings in his mom the two of them will gang up on you.
Get out now and have no contact or expect a living Hell.
Go for counselling and break that deal on closing for a house cause you are not ready for anything just yet.
(Ok...I just read your response and I think you most likely closed on the house. Power struggle going on here and you need to be right. Hopefully things will work out because it doesn't look like any of the comments here made any impression with you.)
But it's guaranteed housing for her, her 15 yo who may stay for however long probably living at home if going to some state school, and her 20-yo daughter who's supposedly on her own but not so much that mom isn't worrying about keeping a spare and empty bed for her.
It's all about how OP won't do any labor for the MIL...so why not just make that clear to BF instead of wigging out that daughter now won't have their spare bed if she needs?
Why are you "shacked up"? Break the house contract and get away from this stupid situation....you brought all this cr*p on yourself. Get out before it's too late.
If BF is not considering or respecting you now, don't sign for the house. Start packing! He WILL take advantage of you and will expect you to do his responsibilities in caregiver. If he will make such demands by disrespecting and not considering your feelings, it's a big red flag to your relationship. Roll on down the road. You deserve better. By not leaving, you've only got yourself to blame.