My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
This man is clearly expecting you to care for his mother. Has he made arrangements for a nurse or helper? No. He supposedly can't afford it. He makes YOU sleep on the FLOOR!!!!! He essentially made YOU pay for the house.
I do not understand why you are staying with this horrible person that has no love or respect for you. You need to take a loss on your money, and get AWAY from this man as soon as possible, before you lose your health and sanity. Or, you WILL be the ONLY one caring for his mother.
You need to get counseling to find out why you allow yourself to remain in this abusive (gaslighting) situation.
As they use to say way back - Are you nucking futs?
Funny thing, I bet you'll go ahead.
You need to stop this in its tracks. Back out. If he is working that many hours, and you are home, you WILL be stuck taking care of her. Is that the real reason for the house? Kinda sounds like it. The timing and all.? is sus.
Tare the 35 and buy your own house. Then visit him when you want.
He is getting a free live in maid. If he is working that many hours, you will be doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the 24/7 free labor to take care of her. Let that sink in. He will say, I can't, I'm at work.
You need to stop this now before you sign any paper work.
I wouldn't move in, until he finds a place for her. He can't take care of her if he is at work. That's a joke.
Tell him it is triggering you, and you can't do another 10years. Your health will suffer. You could have a stroke or heart attack being resentful and taking care of her, because he isn't even home!
That should be a deal breaker. He doesn't even care how you feel about it. He doesnt even care if you say no. He doesnt even care for your feelings. He knows how you feel, and is doing it anyway. That is not a boyfriend. That is a user. Let that sink in!!!
* have you two actually talked about the chores of caregiving and the items you have listed here?
* you took care of your Dad even though it made an impact on your health because you loved him to death and would do it again. It is possible that your boyfriend feels the same about his Mom, whether you see it in him or not?
*you say Mom has squandered money from her reverse mortgage so be aware that when she sells her house now most of the sales proceeds will go to the reverse mortgage lender. She isn't going to make very much, if anything from the sale.
* He's "lazy", doesn't have money for the down payment but will pay the mortgage payments once we're in the house. What has he been doing with his money? Where is he suddenly going to get the money to pay a mortgage?
* You have an extra bedroom for your 20 year old dgt " in case she needs to move in so you can help her get back on her feet". What's the relationship between your dgt and boyfriend and has he agreed to the possibility of her moving into the house (or are you the one making assumptions)?
Reading your post, it seems has if you two have just kind of fallen into being used to each other's presence but ......... is there real love and affection there?. This house purchase may benefit no one in the long run and may prove financially disasterous for both you and him. You may definitely want to put a hold on purchasing the house and maybe take sometime apart from each other to analyze your feelings towards your relationship. I would also consider reviewing what you expect a partner to bring to a relationship as well as what you should bring to it.
Once you purchase the house, it will be a financial morass should the relationship fall apart for any reason and based on your post, it could fall apart even as the ink dries on the mortgage documents.
Wishing you good luck and calm thinking on this journey.
Even aside from the mother, do you really want to be with a guy like this? Seriously. Read your words again, and picture it being strangers you are reading about. Wouldn't you advise this woman to walk away, or in fact, run away from this situation?
The reality is that without your money and time, he could not do this. This is not the life you want, so don't step right into it.
He's not listening to you.
You don't have to justify to anyone why you don't want this. Look how much stress you already have over it.
This is how he handles a complex situation. He doesn't concern himself with your feelings or desires. He is ignoring those things.
You are a not a bad person to not want to do this.
You went into the deal with the hopes and dreams of doing this together. He's already taking over.
The handwriting is on the wall. Back out now and feel bad. Back out later and feel worse.
Please take my advice and keep everything you own separately from this relationship before you marry him this way you are going to save yourself from further anguish down the line.
Good Luck.
If you had a dear friend who wrote a post like yours, what would you tell that friend? Be a friend to yourself and be thankful this came to light before your closing date.
Please help yourself or you may find yourself divorced again down the line. You need someone who will work side by side with you, not someone who can walk on you. Didn't mean to get so personal, but many of us older ladies have been there done that and wish we could redo some of our lifechanging mistakes. Another thing....without marriage, you have NOTHING financial to lean on if it all falls apart. He can walk away anytime, sell the house and gain. You stand to do nothing but lose in this situation. Make your child your priority. Good luck and please find a confidant to help you.
If it were me, I would focus on getting a place that could accommodate me and my children. Sounds like he needs to get a place to accommodate him and his mother.
Tell him you're backing out of buying the home because this is not the direction you want to go.
if things are tough now wait a few years into this
Please reconsider the situation, the relationship, and realize you are not his priority. You will be a caretaker until you've had enough and leave, without $35,000 to provide for you and your son's welfare. Your son should be your priority, not a boyfriend looking to gain a babysitter for his mother and a roof over his head. If you must go ahead with the home purchase, put the brake on his moving in. Let him rent an apartment and assume the responsibility for his mother. That will be the only way he will learn the immense requirements, physically and financially. You need to gain clarity on this situation, which is doomed to fail. Stop defending yourself and raise your standards! You and your son deserve better.
Can he move in with her? And pay her mortgage? Just a thought.
Hold on to your money for you and your son.
Best wishes
Prayers that you don't get involved with him in this house because its not worth it. If he hasn't put anything to the down payment you are going to lose in the long run because in the end he may have paid more than your down payment and if that happens it sounds like he will use it against you.
MY ADVICE IS DON'T MOVE IN CANCEL BUYING THE HOUSE.