This is a call for advice. My mom has had Parkinson's and dementia for 5 years now and has slowly and steadily been declining. Our current caregivers are a mixed bag, and one in particular is giving her subpar care (refusing to cut her nails, sits her in front of TV all day, doesn't want my mom's sister over because she's bossy and points out her mistakes, can't take any critique or feedback, once had her on a wet bed pad for hours, also not skilled enough to hold her up when she has fainting spells, etc.). In her care, my mom is declining noticeably more quickly. We have other caregivers who are better and are now available to take over the schedule but my dad refuses. Context: he has a girlfriend who I believe is encouraging him to step back from my mother's care. He is currently on a 4-month long summer "respite" from my mom, so no one is there with her (I am on study abroad for the semester, a hard choice but I do feel as a person in their mid-20s it's my dad's responsibility more than mine to be there) AND he does not like the idea of this new schedule that would have only the better caregivers. The cost is the same. So the only possible conclusions I have are A) he's unwilling to admit that this caregiver is subpar because it would reflect badly on him or B) he and his gf are conspiring against my mom whether so intentionally or not, to have my mom decline faster and to the point she gets put in a home so he and his gf don't have to deal with her care anymore.
My questions are twofold: what do you think? Is it possible this nefarious plot is actually happening? And, what are the standards to define elder neglect? If I can prove that my dad is not doing what he ought to is there any way I can legally take over the responsibility of my mom's care (without my dad's consent)?
I think the only thing you can do is note all of the mistakes the caregiver is making. Ask your mother's sister to help keep track of everything that is not up to standard. Once you have the detail, present it to him with another solution. It sounds like you have tried that but I would try again with even more specific examples and solutions. However, he doesn't have to make any changes and you need to either accept that or fight it, which will be difficult for everyone, including your mother.
Others have already address all I said here.
Highly doubtful with regard to 'nefarious plots and elder neglect' considering your mother is given 24/7 care IN HOME which is super expensive by anyone's standards, whether you agree with the quality of that care or not! You are on 'study abroad' and not even on site in person to witness what's actually going on. How would you 'legally take over the responsibility of mom's care' being so far away??? igloo has given you wise advice in that arena.
In any event, in my opinion, your mother belongs in a higher level of care at this point in her illness. Or to have an LPN in charge of her care at home.
Good luck.
if so, Imho, no way he could ever be considered neglecting his wife; he is imo going above and beyond in doing what needed to have his spouse continue to be in their home. That he has a gf or has a social life outside the confines of your parents home is his decision to make. He does not have to become a caregiving martyr to appease anyone.
Your parents situation in that they have the ability to afford and sustain a stream of in-home $$$$ caregivers is beyond fortunate. That dad has done this for years and years is beyond fortunate. Personally I think you’ll be hard pressed to find a lot of sympathy for your concerns. Yeah I know this sounds harsh but for most couples when 1 needs that level of 24/7 oversight care they end up having to impoverish the at-need spouse and have income go as a copay to a NH and apply for LTC Medicaid for the NH spouse. This is what JoAnn aptly posted about. Most Families do not have the $$$$ to have years of in home caregivers to the point of complaining that 1 of the caregivers sits mom in front of the TV too much.
As your parents are married, your dad as the well spouse is in charge of moms care. He has inhome health happening, he is being responsible. If he does respite, that’s his decision. Realize that regular respite is a given under Medicare hospice so doing respite is encouraged. 4 months is longer than what most do, but if her has 24/7 oversight and is readable as ended, well good for him.
For you to change moms living situation would mean that someone else - her Sister or a grown adult child - would hire and attorney to seek a Guardianship or Conservatorship over mom. (You probably would not be named as you have recent history of going and living aboard for months on end). Atty would file for a Guardianship hearing and your dad as her husband then contests it. Doing this will have costs, and costs that you, your siblings or your Aunt would have to front. I’d say at least 10K as upfront retainer. Your dad can use the $ he & your mom have to pay for his (their) attorney. Please realize Judge does NOT, again DOES NOT, have to name your family or your Aunt as the new guardian. Judge may decide as there’s competing family interests so will name an outside court appointed guardian and that person is now in charge of all moms care and her share of their joint assets and will move mom out of the home and into a facility. That new appointed guardian will move her to a facility as its a neutral space. As your parents are married, the court appointed guardian will be working with dad in some way in all this. You & your Aunts outside of the guardians advisory circle, guardian may meet with you but decisions not yours to make.
Parkinson’s is a cruel dehumanizing disease. That your mom is declining and it’s scary obvious is what Parkinson’s does. It is not ever going to get better & could get worse if she starts to exhibit Lewy Dementia as that often happens with end stage Parkinson’s. (My mom had Lewy). When you return after living abroad for 6 months, you’ll likely be gobsmacked as to how she looks. I’d suggest that you join a Parkinson’s support group now to help you with the reality of what the situation is. Being pissed at dad, causing friction with him, the caregivers and his gf, will only estrange you from your mom in her final years and your dad & his world in the future.
You could have APS do a well call for you. Maybe at this point Mom should be placed in LTC. Dad can have assets split and Moms half would be used for her care. When the money starts to run out, Dad applies for Medicaid. He can remain in the house and have a car. He may lose a little in the beginning but he won't have to worry about paying for the constant aides longterm. He will probably be able to keep his SS and any pension he has with Moms SS going towards her care. That will depend on how much Dad needs to live on. He should talk to an elder lawyer well versed in Medicaid.
You need to approach Dad as this will be a win win in the longrun for him. Mom will be safe and cared for in LTC. He can go on with his life.