A few years before he died, my father spoke to me about his estate and eventual death. He made a few specific points
1. He did not want any kind of funeral, and certainly not a Catholic one. He didn't want any obituary printed in the paper. He was to be cremated and buried. We assumed it was because he was not religious at all (even though his family was Catholic), and had ex-girlfriends he didn't want showing up to the ceremony. He reiterated this a couple times in the following months, and made me promise I wouldn't give him a funeral.
2. He told me his trust was to be split up 4 ways upon death (his 3 children and his girlfriend would be the heirs). The portfolio was to be liquidated (turned into cash --and it is like 5 million+) and distributed to the heirs upon estate settlement.
After he died last week, my sister-in-law announced that there will be a large (and expensive) Catholic funeral that will be open to the public (obituary in several newspapers, etc.). One of my father's girlfriends, whom a number of people in the family despises (she stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from him when he was suffering from dementia, among other things) is invited to the funeral, and will be in the front row. I expressed disagreement with this, but my sister-in-law told me to "get over it".
My sister, who is the executer of the estate, wants to hold on to the investments in my father's portfolio until estate settlement, and then distribute the stocks, bonds, etc. in kind to the heirs. She says she can do this as it is a better idea than liquidation and distributing cash.
So I have a sister and SIL directly going against the wishes of my father. The SIL claims he had a "come to Jesus" moment on his death bed and agreed to a funeral. I wasn't there and never saw it. While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.
Should I even show up to this funeral? Am I overreacting here?
You are NOT overreacting here - you are hurting and confused.
Whether you go to the funeral or not is entirely up to you.
RE: While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.
My sweet Ray lost his faith when he lost his baby back in 1953, she was less than a year old. He couldn't accept a God who would take a baby from him.
The day he was passing, his first wife came for him, his older brother came for him and from the way he was looking all over the ceiling, I would say a host of people showed up to welcome him home. Just FYI, he said, "I know you, you're my first wife" and he called his brother by name. I pray your father too was met and welcomed home.
My father was of the Jewish faith - and I know for fact he saw my mother - she came for him just before he passed. I will always remember the joy I saw on his face when he saw her - he passed minutes later.
In the end, whether to go or not go might be decided at the last second, while standing in front of the funeral facility. That's where the rubber meets the road, as my kids used to say.
It will work itself out and from the sound of it, there will be such a large group there, no one will miss you, unless a viper makes a point of telling on you.
Don't worry about the estate. As executor, your sister will be obliged by law to follow the directions of the will; and anything your father didn't put in his will, even if he discussed possibilities with you that aren't in it, your father can't have been especially anxious about.
As to the funeral... you must please yourself. If you feel truly affronted on your father's behalf, it might be better not to go. But bearing in mind that funerals are for the living and not the dead, if there are other family members whose feelings you care about then you might be of real help as a source of support and an example of dignity.
I once - under extreme provocation, in my defence - was driven to tell my sister in law that if she did not leave my house I would attack her. (She left. My knuckles are unbroken). So I am a fine one to ask; but what dealings will you have to have in future with someone who saw fit to tell you to "get over" your misgivings about your own father's funeral?
Given the decisions S & SIL have already made, presumably within legal bounds. All you can decide is what you're going to do, which doesn't include changing it without legal proof ir documents.
Mat you find peace somewhere in the drama.
However, the Silas should show up at his father's funeral, as to not be there would be a sign of disrespect for his father, and probably of satisfaction to his sisters.
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Like you, Arleeda, I know what I want. My family is far away and no reason for them to show up for a corpse.
Your funeral home will arrange for the headstone work and will bury your ashes, too.
Your church family is your home family and if you write your service, it should be done your way. If it's not, you will be beyond caring. So plan on..........
You are in pain and surely feel cut down and out. But this will pass, and it seems there are two choices: let it go, or get an attorney.
If they plan to spend dad's money for this celebration of death, there might be a way to stop it. If dad didn't leave a will registered in the court house, seems to me and attorney looking things over would be the best course and worth the cost, since plenty of money is at stake. Lawyers don't come cheap, but for multi-millions of dollars, it could be worth it to have representation. The probate court can do only their job, which is being sure probate rules are followed.
Dad is dead, so he won't care about the funeral, but if his estate is to pay for it, and there's something in the will to make the law care, you might want to have legal representation. Then and later.....
Yes, you should attend the funeral but you don't need to attend the luncheon.
If your dad wrote his preferences for disposition of his body in a will or other legal document, you might be able to at least arrange it so that his remains do not attend the funeral. If he didn't, it's up to his next of kin to decide. (Just saying- sister the in law isn't exactly on the top of that list.)
But I don't think you can prevent someone from putting an obituary in the paper or having a Mass for a dead relative and inviting whoever they like. These rituals really are for the people who survive and it sounds like your SIL wants to make a big "respectful" show of sending him off- whether it reflects any actual respect for him and his beliefs or not. It's for other people to say "Didn't they do a nice job with their dad's funeral?" I don't believe his deathbed conversion story, do you?
My advice to you is to really think how you want to celebrate your dad's life and mark his passing and do that. If the church/Trixie the Temptress/ and watching a bunch of crocodile tears are not what you want to do, I would not go. Your SIL will get over it.
And YOU did not give him a funeral so you kept your promise to him. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Does it specify how much everyone gets?
Most trusts specifically say how it is to be distributed after the inheritance taxes are paid, keeping the stock will not bypass taxes.
If no, you need to engage an attorney and find out how this works. I am sure once it hits probate if all parties are not in agreement the only ones that will win will be the attorneys.
Unfortunately when it is not written down it is really hard to get it implemented. He told me is considered hearsay and is always excluded from legal decisions, however, deathbed testimony is not. Nonsense I know.
I am sorry that this is out of your control and for your loss.
I would not go missing at this point, it will give them ammo, bear through it and get his estate settled, then make the decision if you are done with these people.
It would probably be wise to talk to a Trust and Estate attorney to protect your rights under the Trust. They can also keep pressure on the Trustee to ensure the trust is administered correctly and pursuant to the terms of the Trust.
Since the trust documents are not specific when it comes to the funeral, or even the exact way the estate is to be settled, they are using the ambiguity to engage in their own agendas. When I try to explain to them what dad wanted (since I was closest to him, and saw him every other weekend), they won't listen.
I would enlist the counsel of an attorney. It sounds like SIL is making claims that she has no proof for. She can say that her FIL suddenly changed his mind about a funeral but unless he wrote something down, what proof is there he actually said it? “Come to Jesus” to me doesn’t mean the wish for a big, Catholic funeral,
Are sister and sister in law in “cahoots”? If sister has financial power, it sounds like she is not following Dad’s direction or wishes and that’s why you need an attorney. I’m certain Dad’s direction in his will did not say to his daughter, “My will is just a suggestion. Do what you want.” It also sounds like, from what the ex-girlfriend did, Dad may not been thinking clearly when it came to females and his finances.
Get an attorney, explain what’s going on and see if they can help.