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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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He also was diagnosed with AFib, high blood pressure and diabetes. Will not follow up on these either. He now pees and poops his pants. Kids please do not tell your parents they do not have to follow up then you leave.
Well, DH is going to die of 3 things. The cancer coming back, go into a diabetic coma or have a stroke. I would tell him that. And if the response is he doesn't care then say "then we need to plan for your death." Make sure there is a Will. You become his POA financially and medically, There are stories on this forum where the kids have swept in and took over. Leaving wife #2 to fend for herself. Mainly because DH gave his POA to one of the kids, Protect yourself.
Due to the colectomy the colon does not work as it did previously, it is much shorter. (How much depends on how much they removed) I do hope he is using disposable briefs intended for bowel/fecal incontinence and or urine. If not you should replace all his underwear with disposable briefs. IF he is cognizant/has not been declared incompetent he can elect to discontinue treatment for any or all of his conditions. This however places the burden on you when it comes to his care. As much as I dislike ultimatums this situation may call for one. (if he is cognizant) You outline what you will do for him when it comes to his care. Are there tasks that you can not or will not do? If so tell him. If you are not able to care for him safely you need to tell him. When it comes time that he needs things done that you can not or will not do he has the option to go to Assisted Living or (this sounds like a second marriage) he can move in with his daughter and she can care for him. You should also tell daughter that these are your ground rules and if she does not like them then she needs to tell her dad that he needs to follow up with his care. That might persuade him to do so if he is more inclined to listen to her.
It sounds like he is refusing care all across the board, not just with with the colon cancer. Perhaps he is letting you know that he is done with medical intervention; and although it may be difficult for you to accept, you need to listen. I would start with a frank discussion about what he would like to do. Moving forward, palliative or hospice care can be a wonderful support system and can visit him at home, providing medication, medical equipment, bathing assistance, etc. Also, if he has not already gotten his legal ducks in a row, that will also require attention: advance directives, POA, DNR if he chooses, etc. These are difficult discussions but assuming he is mentally competent to make his own decisions, it’s a conversation that may bring some light to his behavior. If I am completely wrong in my assessment, I apologize. I do not want to add to your stress. No matter, I wish you and your husband well. Please let us know how he’s doing.
Well, what's your DH's mental state? Is he cognizant of the severity of colon cancer? Did he have follow up TX scheduled and he opted not to do it?
A colostomy requires medical attention, whether he opts for FU treatment for the cancer.
Maybe hearing this from his daughter (is she also your daughter?) made him feel like he could quit trying?
I had a 'cancer year' in 2019. NHL, Stage 3. I treated with chemo (horrible, horrible, horrible) and cleared the disease. However, I will ALWAYS be a cancer patient. I was offered a follow up TX that consists of an infusion of one of the chemo drugs every other month for 2 years. I initially said no. I was so very, very sick and I felt like I just didn't CARE about living anymore. Took a couple of months and a very persuasive SIL who is a gastroenterologist to make me realize that I needed to do what was right and best for me and for my family. So--reluctantly I started the TX. It isn't fun and I lost about a week to incredible fatigue....but I did it, and will as long as I can.
NONE of my kids, except my SIL weighed in on whether I should do the FU or not. But when I told them I was doing it, they were all so grateful.
Sounds like you and hubby are not communicating, with each other of with his oncologist. Perhaps you can get him in for a check up and have the dr lay out the tx he should be getting.
But--in the end, it's HIS choice. When my cancer comes back, I will go gently in to that good night. I will not do a 2nd chemo.
If he is blatantly refusing to care for himself--maybe it's time for a NH. You don't mention his age. Maybe he's ready to go? He does sound depressed, but, well, one thing at a time.
Can he at least clean himself up when he soils his pants? Maybe daughter needs to make a visit back home and see how her advice was taken.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I do hope he is using disposable briefs intended for bowel/fecal incontinence and or urine. If not you should replace all his underwear with disposable briefs.
IF he is cognizant/has not been declared incompetent he can elect to discontinue treatment for any or all of his conditions.
This however places the burden on you when it comes to his care.
As much as I dislike ultimatums this situation may call for one. (if he is cognizant)
You outline what you will do for him when it comes to his care. Are there tasks that you can not or will not do? If so tell him.
If you are not able to care for him safely you need to tell him.
When it comes time that he needs things done that you can not or will not do he has the option to go to Assisted Living or (this sounds like a second marriage) he can move in with his daughter and she can care for him.
You should also tell daughter that these are your ground rules and if she does not like them then she needs to tell her dad that he needs to follow up with his care. That might persuade him to do so if he is more inclined to listen to her.
A colostomy requires medical attention, whether he opts for FU treatment for the cancer.
Maybe hearing this from his daughter (is she also your daughter?) made him feel like he could quit trying?
I had a 'cancer year' in 2019. NHL, Stage 3. I treated with chemo (horrible, horrible, horrible) and cleared the disease. However, I will ALWAYS be a cancer patient. I was offered a follow up TX that consists of an infusion of one of the chemo drugs every other month for 2 years. I initially said no. I was so very, very sick and I felt like I just didn't CARE about living anymore. Took a couple of months and a very persuasive SIL who is a gastroenterologist to make me realize that I needed to do what was right and best for me and for my family. So--reluctantly I started the TX. It isn't fun and I lost about a week to incredible fatigue....but I did it, and will as long as I can.
NONE of my kids, except my SIL weighed in on whether I should do the FU or not. But when I told them I was doing it, they were all so grateful.
Sounds like you and hubby are not communicating, with each other of with his oncologist. Perhaps you can get him in for a check up and have the dr lay out the tx he should be getting.
But--in the end, it's HIS choice. When my cancer comes back, I will go gently in to that good night. I will not do a 2nd chemo.
If he is blatantly refusing to care for himself--maybe it's time for a NH. You don't mention his age. Maybe he's ready to go? He does sound depressed, but, well, one thing at a time.
Can he at least clean himself up when he soils his pants? Maybe daughter needs to make a visit back home and see how her advice was taken.