For almost 4 years now, I’ve been the sole caregiver for my husband with behavioral variant FTD. It’s such a hideous dementia, and the behaviors are indeed the worst part of it, taking away the personality and good traits of the man I loved and married.
We have three adult children, two sons and a daughter, who are all at risk of having this terrible dementia, as it is the genetic form, but even though they hear me say how very difficult it is caring for their dad, and how I feel like I’m deteriorating along with him, they only advise that I hire a professional caregiver from an agency, or put him in a care home (a cost prohibitive option), but they never voluntarily reach out to me, to see if they can help me out in any hands on way, and give me a break from the 24/7 care. And they all live nearby. If I want any help from them, I always have to ask, and they usually will have an excuse as to why they can’t, or reluctantly give me a small amount of their time. I know they’re all busy with their lives, jobs and families, but their dad was always a good man who provided for them, and would help them out however he could. It doesn’t seem right that they can’t reciprocate more than just the occasional “stop by” and that they don’t seem to understand the devastating emotional and physical toll their dad’s dementia is taking on me. I don’t want to come across as a complainer or lay a guilt trip on them, but I’d really appreciate more help with the daily care of their dad, at least until I’m able to hire some in home care, which is difficult, because of his bizarre behaviors. Maybe they just don’t want to be with their dad, as they see in him, their possible futures:-(
Any ideas on how I can get my kids to give me assistance without making me look like the bad guy, would be so appreciated!
Darlene
If you are overwhelmed then it’s time to place your husband in a care facility. We have had to do this recently with my elderly mother and it’s the best thing we ever did. There is so much more peace for my dad and myself now. We can visit and know she is in good hands with qualified caregivers.
It would be nice if mom informed them there is no more freeloading.
If they want money, they will get their butts down here and work for it.
Of course that will not happen.
I don't dare tell his Papa. Life is very different. I have someone who can cut the front but not the back. I figure we live in the country and if it's not cut in the back....then we lose out on the beauty.....but it is what it is.
I don't have the heart right now to see your responses. Hopefully, you get some help.
Make a list of the things you really want/need each week. Be specific as possible.
Time for a family meeting!!!
Let them know that the finances do not allow a level of assisted living.
Of course they are scared. At this point your entire family is scared of the future ==you too. Time for them to deal with it, and also get a glimpse of what a medical condition AND caregiving options may be for THEM in later years.
Oh, you poor dear. You are experiencing disappointment from both your husband and your kids. You are a saint!