My mom, 83, lives alone at a distance. She refuses to move, but is showing some cognitive and physical decline. Do I wait for a crisis?

Can u persuade her to “come stay with u for the winter” and go visit some retirement communities while she’s there?

You and I are in a similar situation. I am also an only child in my mid 70's with a stubborn Irish Mother who is over 100 years old and absolutely will not, under any circumstances, consider leaving her home of 70 years. Thankfully, her cognitive skills are still very good but she has significant mobility issues. I am fortunate (?) that I live in the same neighborhood with my 80 yr old husband (who has significant medical issues).
It's taken me quite a while to make peace with the concept of of "what will be / will be" .
Side Bar: The next person that says "You're so lucky to have you're Mom" or "You're going to live to be over 100" will be in danger of getting a very large dose of the wrath of Hedgie. Like it is lucky to have to watch your Mom suffer.

As long as she can handle decisions ok. She heard so much that goes on alit of Seniors say that statement. I don't blame them.
Safety first only her in home not good. Nice you stay two months bring husband next time .
Next time you visit call Area for the Aging for assistant first . of file petition if the courts last results.

Conversing with mother's PCP for assistant lots of help and social worker. Great help .
The house is familiar and her safe Haven.
Blessings

Hi there,

I have no answer, but going through the same thing. My mother is 84, we live in same state. It’s mentally draining. Im trying to take one day at a time.

My husband is an only. We have these same battles. My95 YO MIL with moderate dementia must be one of the most stubborn women ever. She wants to die in her home. It is not really safe for her to be in her home alone, but we don't have many choices because she is still in charge of her affairs. We do have POA and access to her finances. We do live about 3 miles away, so we can be there fast. She will not wear her hearing aids, wear a lifeline alert necklace or bracelet, us a bath chair, allow outside help, use bladder pads or any of those things for those old people, of which she is not one. She will not allow me to take her to the beauty shop to get her hair cut/washed for 2 years now, she wears the same smelly clothes for months on end and we don't know if she bathes anymore. She has bought several unneeded car and home warranties (because she thinks they are bills.) Our best defense is security cameras which we can access via the internet. I don't know that she understands what they are. Has saved her after getting stuck in the tub, falling in her back yard. Depending on state laws, there might not be much you can legally do to force her to move. We got her drivers license taken away and took away her car keys. We haven't bought her stamps as she was trying to mail cash for another car warranty. We took away her checkbook. We pay her bills online and make sure she doesn't get mailed anything like the receipts for those. I pick up her groceries and drop off prepared food, but some places deliver groceries, so that could work. Our lawyer has advised us that the only 2 ways to get her moved are guardianship which takes a lot to get or wait for a medical event that lands her in the ER. From there, she could be placed in a facility. There is a diagnosis called change in mental status that can get her evaluated. It is a pretty common symptom in the elderly that creates an ER visit. Maybe some of these will be helpful to you. I think to a degree you are stuck waiting for "an event". IT's not safe, it's not smart, it's not even compassionate, but I don't know what other choices you have if she refuses. Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are.

This is a common situation, and if she wants to stay in her house, the best thing would be to have people come in to help her with house cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. At some point she may need help taking care of herself, taking her medications, bathing, dressing, even eating, taking her to doctor appointments. If you do this and have strangers coming into her home, lock up all of her valuables and financial papers. At that point, it would be best for you to take over her finances and have all bills sent to your address or go paperless. Of course it would be easier if she would move to a senior residence close to you, but if that's not what she wants, try to accommodate her wishes.

My dear, it is way past the time for you to take control.

I am a 98 year old living in a one room with bed alcove apartment in a 100 person independant living community. My two daughters both have POA of my assets however the elder does all the control and drives me as needed since she lived only fourty miles away. The younger has had a stroke five years ago and refuses to drive although not Impaired.. That's is fine.

Your situation could be out of control in an instant. One little blood clot could do it. DO NOT WAIT!! You are too far away from the situation and your husband is very wise. Take control now . Your mother is showing many signs of senility. We all do! Accept it and whether she does or not... She knows. Tell her your 98 year old friend said to tell her this: my great grandmother said that if wishes were fishes the seas would be full..and the staying there and dropping dead at home is a bunch of wishful thinking!
Your friend, Doris

My mother lived in her own townhome until she couldn't. As the years went by and she became more frail and unable to do things for herself, I, as the only child and family, kept stepping in to help whenever and wherever I could - although nothing I did made her happy or satisfied. Until I couldn't do it as much anymore. She refused to have anyone come in and help (I/we tried - but she didn't want "strangers" in her home and would refuse to let them in when they did show up), and was unable to do things more and more. And I knew that the writing was already written that one of the days she would fall. I finally convinced her to wear a medical alert button in case she ever did, and although she was firmly against such 'old persons' gadget, she eventually did start keeping it nearby or on her. And yes, at 95, 'that' day did happen - she fell and broke her femur and was not allowed to return home - and in a matter of a couple months, between the fall/surgery/rehab/anger at not going back to her home, the decline happened rapidly.

But, no matter what I said or did - and I even took her to look at at least 10 different assisted living facilities - she would not budge or agree to move. And she was of the personality type that if I had forced her to move, she would have made her life miserable, the staff's lives miserable and anyone else around or near her lives miserable (and probably would have been asked to change facilities due to her 'hostility and being uncooperative'.

So yes, I had to wait for her to fall for the changes to take effect. The only saving thing in this entire scenario was that she had all her paperwork in order - will, POA, medical POA, financial POA, etc etc. But honestly, those couple months were stress hell for me as the only child and family member in having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.

Maybe visit less, have her wear a medical alert, and perhaps hire a geriatric care manager who could check in on her at least every other week. I did find a geriatric care manager my mother reluctantly agreed to so that they would check on her when I couldn't.

Oh my goodness this sounds like mom. She is 83 and a widow. Dad died of a heart attack in their home as well. She has fallen several times and the last fall kept her in the hospital for 4 weeks. She has had 24/7 care for the last 2 months. She is down to one shift a day now and she has a Life alert neck pendant. But she "doesn't want to wear it". I told her just today that she told all 4 of us kids she would wear it if she wanted to live alone. My brothers live 2 1/2 hrs. out of town. My sister has mobility issues so it's on me, a widow and business owner. She got mad at my today because she has a doc appointment in 3 days and I already have clients on the books to tend to. When I explained I couldn't help but I would see if we could get her an Uber, she said "I'm not getting in the car with a stranger." I told her I would try to figure something else out, she said, "That's ok I'll see if I can find a stranger to help me". Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. I has read where other people say we have to let them live the way they want to live and what happens, happens. We have to deal it then. I am so sorry you are an only child. I feel like I am sometimes because I am the only one she calls when she needs groceries, or her remote fixed or to collect her newspaper because she's afraid she will fall if she leaves the house. Please us updated to the situation. It may help others.

See if she will consider regular appointments with a competent medical doctor, a dentist, an eye doctor, and somebody to check her hearing. Get the phone numbers for these doctors. Let them know your concerns... OR take her to a doctor appointment when you are visiting her. Ask for a cognitive evaluation as part of her usual physical. If she is deemed mentally competent, she is entitled to make her own decisions and live with the consequences. If she is not mentally competent, then you can talk with her doctor(s) about next steps.

Oh my, I am in a similar situation with my Mother, i fortunately have an on site or close enough, lovely gentleman/ handyman. Mother had worked with this gentleman prior to retiring. I worry about both of them daily.

mother is physically in much better physical health than any of us but her mind is similar to a roller coaster and all to often gets stuck on repeat. This past few weeks she is stuck on a grocery list. This is her last freedom. Every other day she buys an enormous amount of tv dinners, ice cream candy bars and cat supplies, ( wet and dry food, litter and 15.00 per box Temptation Cat treats that we can’t get her to stop feeding them as dry food!!
I fear she is going to be close to 0 in her account at the rate she has been going. It is a daily struggle at least 2 phone calls and usually 4-5 per day.

My dad is like 4 hours away from me. I too am an only child. I have POA for my Dad and access to his bank accounts. I have started having his bills sent to my house. My Dad wants to stay at his house. He owns cattle and a farm. He's still knows us. He's able to care for his cats and cattle. In May, we had checked into a caregiver for my dad. I went through Aging Care for a caregiver. They sent me different agencies that serve through his area. The first caregiver wasn't very good at all. The one he has now is really good. She enjoys helping my Dad three times a week. There was an incident where my Dad went to try to pay a bill and went out of his area to drive and ran out of gas. That was the last straw. He can only drive his truck on his property. I have two trackers on his cell phone. I am thinking about putting up cameras somehow to see what and where he is. It's hard not knowing. The trackers help if he has his phone with him. I would say talk to someone about home health care and perhaps check into different facilities. I too would like my Dad to be closer if possible. He's got friends and family out by him though.

Christine0819: This, too, was my mother, who was adamant about living solo in her own home many states away from me. In the end, I had to move there to provide care for her. I do not advocate this as I had to leave my husband behind when we were already elders ourselves.

Virtually the same situation. My 83 y.o. mom has been living for 18 months alone in the family home with her 3 aging dogs. My sister and I want her to remain as independent as possible, but she doesn't seem to care about taking appropriate measures to maintain her independence safely. No fall detection devices or monitors. Barely knows how to work her cell phone; won't keep it with her. We had to strongarm her into hiring a much-needed cleaning person, who comes monthly (with the non-housebroken dogs, it should be more). She is having difficulty hiring anyone reliable (and cheap enough) to do her extensive yardwork. The house is in need of significant repairs, but we are just trying to limp along until "the time" arrives. She is growing increasingly lonely and bored, but still likes to drive, which in itself is a bit alarming. She is resistant to visiting any facilities with the intent to get on "the list", but understands the many benefits to them and can easily afford it. I don't want to forcibly move her, but you can definitely count me as a member of the "Waiting for the Fall" club, at which point she will have no choice in the matter and neither will we.

In my experience (working with elders; not family members ... which is very different emotionally in making decisions), I find:

1. I offer my thoughts / experience / recommendations.
2 Then, ultimately it is up to the person (or family member(s) to decide how to proceed).
3. There comes a time when TOUGH LOVE is to be recognized as LOVE and the most loving gesture to do, even though it is emotionally difficult - for everyone concerned.
4. If she / you wait for a crisis, it will be much more difficult for you to help or manage - and you might need to be there in a moment's notice. Your mom may not 'care' or be in a mental space to 'care' what happens to her or the ... impact 'waiting' will have on her - and you.
5. We all do what we can and then realize there is nothing more we can do.

Realize that 99.99-3/4% of elders / disabled / stages of decline/dementia will not be thrilled to move. It is the LAST thing they want to do. No one wants to leave what is familiar to them. Plus going into the 'unknown' is a very frightening thought - to many of us, let alone someone in decline, mentally and physically.

Gena / Touch Matters

Yes, you are caught in the proverbial " rock and a hard place", that also yes many others go through.
Your mother is as most aging seniors grieving the changes that aging brings and perhaps is in denial about the reality of not only what she is facing but also what that means for you. When you go to see her next, try to go with her to her PCP and ask for a " level of care needs" assessment. This will offer a professional objective place to restart the conversation about her needs and decisions and options. She may resist this of course but you can stress that it is for her safety that this must be done and that you as the " POA" , are accountable or may be held accountable for her well being; especially if she is assessed with some cognitive decline limiting her ability to make rational safe decisions. If she is deemed by the professionals as A/ O cognitively appropriate to make her own decisions and refuses your interventions ,conversation and professional recommendations then it will be documented as such; then if she chooses to stay in her home, perhaps some form of in home support may be an option, although often this is not a positive experience for many reasons.
You can also tell her that if she chooses to stay in her home, that it may reach a point where you or possibly others will have to call APS, Adult Protective Services, to visit the home and assess her safety, well being and make recommendations. This is usually not something anyone finds pleasant and is best to avoid if possible.
You can also confer with an Elder Law Attorney to get the best legal guidance through this mindfield of choices, responsibility, accountability etc etc so that you will know what's what for your own sanity, well being.

I’m in the situation now. My mom died 4 1/2 years ago and my dad has gone downhill ever since.
In planning our move to be closer to our son last year, my dad said he would move with us and now he says he doesn’t want to leave his house that he’s lived in with my mom for over 50 years. He has early onset dementia, and does fairly well on his own, and although he’s not happy, he really wants to stay there. So for now I am letting him because I feel like I can’t really force them to move, but I am watching him closely and having neighbors watch him. It’s a hard situation for sure.
I wouldn’t want to be forced, so I try to respect his decision, although I think he’s be way happier here.
it’s kind of day by day for us.

I can understand her wanting to stay home. This is her home and has probably lived there for many years, a lot of memories. Maybe you could consider getting her some in home care or a care giver to check on her every day.

My mom lives in NC, refusing to move to OH. I have a sisterc(who has schizophrenia)?who lives in a group home 2 hours away from moms, and who sometimes rotates back to her house at roughly monthly intervals. She is not helpful or observant. Mom had few friends. In 2004, she fell breaking her hip and laying on the floor for 3 days before being rescued. Back then, she used to pretend that she would consider assisted living, which I supported and signed her up for. I had taken a leave from work, and set up at home rehab for her,After I returned to OH, she left rehab AMA, called a cab went home and fell. Rinse, repeat over the next 17 years. She hired a “ carer” I knew and diss approved of, who got paid for doing nothing, and who graduated to outright check forgery over the years. Mom had LTC insurance, so I engaged an agency to help after we pressed charges against her “friend”. Mom only utilized the agency to do shopping, or during her many crises. Way too many to detail here. Things got worse and worse until, after a series a falls, she was placed in skilled nursing. I activated her LTC policy against her will to n 2021. She has dementia and is wheelchair bound. I just returned from my quarterly visit. She is finally safe. She “Zooms” with my sister and I in between visits. I would advise taking your very first opportunity to intervene in the inevitable crisis. For me, 17 years was way too long…,

I am currently going through this same situation and while I can tell you what I think I should have done, doing it is much harder. My Mother lives in FL and literally seemed to develop dementia overnight. We put her in an assisted living memory care and while all was right for a while, she had some bad reactions to medications and had to be sent to the hospital 5 different times. Being that we are in IL I received numerous phone calls telling me one thing, then the opposite, telling me they couldn’t control her, didn’t know where to send her because no one would take her and much more of the same. We tried so hard for so many years to get her here and she wouldn’t come and believe me it is us now paying the price. At this point I don’t know where my mother is going next and not well enough to be brought here. My advice is to get her near you as soon as you can.

If living alone has becomre unsafe for her, help her arrange in-homoe care at whatever level might be required. Home maintenance, help with errands and appointments, cleaning. If is or can accept hiring help as needed, this can extend to help with perosnal care if that becomes necessary.

Same thing with my very stubborn mother. Daddy died in 2004 - she was 77 at the time and my brother and I started working on her to sell the house of 45 years and at least move into a single-story ranch nearer to us.

No go.

(My dad had tried for quite a few years prior to his death to move into a home with no stairs but even then she wouldn't budge.)

So, my brother and I had to let it go because neither of us had the stomach to deal with the drama.

Fast forward to 2017 and she had yet another medical emergency that I had to wade through with her. In the end, it was apparent that it was time to bring her to my home (as I had promised her I would do if necessary) and here we are 6 years later.

So yes - if your mother continues to live on, then sooner or later you'll have to step in and rescue her.

Dear Christine,

All these responses are wonderful, but I have to share my story with you before you get hit with the reality check that we got hit with.
I visited my 96 year old rich uncle and his long term lady friend back in 2019. They were happily living in Sunnyside Queens NY and loved their home and their neighborhood. They were cordial with me and took me out to eat at their favorite restaurant, but there were some serious signs of decline. She was serving me coffee with the coffee grounds still in the cup and serving him bread with peanut butter. He was refusing to wear his hearing aid and was vomiting into the garbage can once in a while. She had signs of alcohol induced dementia and they claimed that there was a thief breaking into their home and taking things. These are textbook signs of dementia.
I was extremely concerned and begged my able-bodied adult cousins in New Jersey to come and check on them every so often, after I went back home to Michigan.
They never did.
I went so far as to have an APS worker open up a case for them but by then, COVID hit and home visits were shut down.
In November of 2020, we got a call from his sister, my aunt, that my uncle was dead. No warning that he was in the hospital or anything, he was just dead.
That was when the circus began.
My aunt rushed down from upstate NY and moved into his house, brought his lady friend to tears and proceeded to take over, My cousins from NJ rushed in and grabbed up all his important paperwork, grabbed some important keys out of my aunt's hands and wouldn't let the rest of the family see anything.
It turns out, my uncle neglected to sign the will he had been working on for 20 years and so he died intestate. His lady friend had serious dementia and thought for days that he was just sleeping on the floor at the foot of their bed so we never found out he was dead until five days after he died. His body left a large stain on the wood floor.
His lady friend was scooped up by her relatives and placed in assisted living with memory care and I was the one that was called in to help get my aunt out of the house, even though she refused to leave for months, and I ended up having to help her clean up the mess they left behind. For the first half of 2021, I was back and forth to NY trying to get things done. It was a nightmare. My life was completely derailed and nobody appreciated my help at all.
We finally got my aunt in an independent living senior residence in NJ but she wasn't happy there. She made a nuisance out of herself and finally moved on to a 55+ gated community. I knew she had signs of dementia and cognitive dysfunction but had no evidence to prove it, until we were able to get a court order to have her psych evaluated. Sure enough, I was right. My sister, my cousin and I are now in the process of petitioning the courts for joint guardianship over my aunt. Of course she is not happy about it, and is not speaking to us these days, but as far as I know at this time, there is not much she can do about it. We want her to be as happy, comfortable, independent and as safe as possible, but we know that if we do not seek guardianship, there is a great risk that she could fall under state guardianship and we will never get her back. She is famous for attracting Good Samaritans to come to her rescue. We cannot take that risk.
Just so you know, it cost $3500 for the lawyers retainer fee and about $750 per doctor for each of the two required doctor visits needed. One was a psych eval and the other was a medical eval. The lawyer maintained a list of qualified forensic doctors. New Jersey requires two doctor reports, but other states like Michigan only require one. I am not sure about New York.
I know how difficult it is to effectively manage these types of situations, so I hope that my story is helpful to you. I wish you the best of luck and be safe.

Yes you are in limbo right now. In time her situation will change. There will eventually be a crisis, because that’s just how these things go. If she does not have one yet, set her up with a medical alert system with the fall alert. Put keys in a lock box so EMS has access.

In the meantime think about the various options for her future care.

Good luck.

You are not alone in this, see if a companion care taker can come in and assist her. My mom was very much like your mom. Sadly, one day my mom started falling in her house. The last time she fell in her bedroom, she has one of those life alert t hings, would never wear it. I live long distance from my mom as well, had my older son who lives an hour away go to her house, the care taker was stuck outside waiting to get in. When my son and the care taker went in to help my mom she refused therir
help so it was call 911, off to the hospital, then off to the nursing home where she presently resides. You may want to discuss with your mom t he next steps to take in terms of care, like I know you don't want help but a little help might be nice.

The bad part about this is usually a crisis has to take place before your loved one realizes they need help. My mom was unusually stubborn and did not even want me living with her. I tried for 3 years to get her to move without success.
I hoep you will be more successful.

I lived 4 states away from my mom as she declined; she was determined to stay in her house, not move, no retirement communities. Thankfully she had a woman who'd done light housekeeping for her decide to become my 'eyes and ears', feeling it was her calling to befriend my mom in her decline. Mom would not have let anyone live in her home, either, but this arrangement worked very well. I could visit now and then to assess her condition; when it looked more serious I spoke with her area's aging department who told me with 'stubborn' elders you have to let nature take its course, basically, and if there's a crisis where they can't take care of themselves the State steps in and places them wherever a bed is open. Sounds harsh, but hopefully you have time to recruit such a helping familiar person for your mom, that she trusts and will not bug her about making any changes in her living situation. Meanwhile, research facilities that could home your mom within her means and perhaps begin a gentle dialogue with her about it, but not right away, as her condition determines. If you can be in touch with her doctor, you can also get a sense of your mom's needs step by step. My mom's doctor Would Not Talk To Me until a favorite nephew of my mom wrangled a 'permission slip' out of her so her doc Had to give me pertinent information. Do not uproot yourself to move closer to her unless you really want to live where she does; keep your life as just that, your life. A person's home is their 'refuge' and clearly your mom is deeply attached to where she lived with her husband, etc. If you haven't already, consult with an Elder Law specialist in her area; they are familiar with situations like this and can also be a source of guidance for you. All the best for all concerned. (We can use these stories of our elders' declines to help us best manage our own affairs as we age; for example, the 'Swedish Death Cleaning', as morbid as it sounds, is a sensible way to simplify as we age and make it easier for those we leave behind: the elder individual does it on their own with or without a trusted companion, a way to honor their lives and possessions and begin to 'exit' their longtime homes on their own terms.)

My parents did this later in their 80’s. I finally convinced them to move to where I live and go into assisted living after a couple of years with me. It’s a situation where there are no good solutions. I started with the worst case scenario and worked backwards. It wasn’t easy, but it kept them safe, and I was able to put out the fires before they were unmanageable. Good luck!

HI Mom,
Instead of me traveling to you, it is time you come visit us :)

Mom, you and I both need a change. Let us entertain you down here..

Then take her around, and have the talk that needs to be done, gently.

Hopefully, she will get the message..

Or just switch it up... You fly down every 3 months, and I will fly up every 3 months, and we have FaceTime, and other video chat rooms.

do go to a doctor visit next time you are up there. Get a well check on her, and cognitive check...

Oh my I swear we are living the same life ,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It’s hard enough when loved ones live nearby, when they are far away it makes the situation even more difficult.

It becomes a burden on adult children and their families when a parent feels as if only their child is capable of doing everything for them.

I’m sorry that your mother won’t hire someone to help or move into a facility.

It’s draining for you physically, emotionally and financially to have to travel back and forth.

There will come a point in time when aren’t able to travel to her home. You have your own life to live with your husband.

It’s time to have another conversation with your mom to settle this matter before a crisis happens.

Emphasize that this is becoming more than you can handle. You must stress to her that this arrangement is no longer feasible and that you are more than happy to help her find an alternative solution.

If you make the conversation about her, she will most likely give you a million reasons why she should stay in her home.

Wishing you peace as you navigate this difficult situation.

Transitioning is hard, but so worth it in the end. She will adjust to others caring for her and then you can return to being her daughter.

Help her as an advocate overseeing her care.