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Me too! I feel the same way. No advice or judgements. Sending a big hug. Listen to your conscience and accept that you are only human. Sometimes decisions are made based on the elderly persons falling or falling out of bed when the family is not around.
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TouchMatters Dec 2020
Judgment is without an e. I'm not judging you.
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lealonnie, I just read your reply today about being reunited with our loved ones. I feel better already. Having a bit of a sad day today. Thanks again
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When someone has unrealistic expectations about the role of their children in their life or anything else, the best thing to do is to be brutally honest as early as possible.

When you do this, the person can make plans for their own old age.

It is very antiquated for a parent sto expect a child to be your caregiver as you age.

Some may want to take on this role, and that is fine.

Still, it should not be expected. If a parent expects their child to be their old age insurance policy than they will be disappointed.

Many children have enough of their own issues and can not afford to take care of a parent. They have jobs, children, spouses, and lives of their own.

If your mother loves you without expectation, she will understand.

Your parent decided to have children on their own. You did not have a choice regarding who your parents were.

There are many elderly who do not have children and manage to figure out how to take care of themselves.

Lastly, perhaps you can suggest that your mother visit an estate planning attorney and an elder care attorney for advice on how to proceed without depending on her children.

If you have the resources to outsource her care....then that is fine. Still, most people do not have the spare cash to outsource parental care and if they do not live locally, airfare can break them financially.

Do not feel guilty. You are not your mother's slave.

Your brother is right, too. Your mom can call 911, if she is alone and needs help, that is why she pays taxes and that is what 911 is there for.
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TouchMatters Dec 2020
It is easy to say "do not feel guilty".
It is a process a person must go through to get through.
And, I doubt 'the mother' will understand. She might in time however, with her expectations, she may be shocked, stunned, angry, frightened 'first'.
Otherwise, I agree with your post 110%.
Perhaps some of the strength for the daughter could come from the son who knows how to set his limits and boundaries. A talk with him might help. Even asking "how do you do it? and why?"
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My grandmother had a Confucian view that sons were best and that the woman they married would take care of her. She had five girls of whom there were no pictures of, then a boy that there was a suitcase of pictures of.

Everyone went ape to ensure everything went smoothly for the boy. My mother got him immigration. Another, a doctor, pulled strings for his medical residency. And back when I was in HS, I was asked to meet the marriage candidate my mom had set him up with.

She was just like "I love your uncle" and I was like, well are you going to love having MIL around to live with you after you get through your honeymoon. I reported back to my mom that this plan would fail.

Which it did within a couple years. The grandma ended up being paid for and strings pulled for her until she died in a NH (probably the nicest that Medicaid offers) in 1996.

My parents' plans involve them immediately going to an independent/assisted/snf when the other one dies. If one of them falls severely ill then they've already indicated they want to be in a snf. They are immigrants, and they've come a long way in 40 years.

Compared to SO's family. His parents have in recent months both fallen ill--her with a cancer dx and he with a stroke. Everything around that has been around getting "family" to help first so that they're not paying. Eventually they got an overnight/weekend person and hired their DIL as day manager. Because of work SO is not going to be able to come by at drop of a hat to lift them, so their newest plan is to enlist the sons of aging widows who are their friends to "drop by" whenever they need to upload him or her into a vehicle, or have them watch their domestics, or whatever.

I can't even express the depth of selfishness this is.

I know a lot of these men. They know they have no chance at dating. They are socially regressed and almost uniformly angry at the position they've been put in, where they get even less respect than women doing this job. And SO's parents want to deploy some Mom who has the nads to actually command their son to go over there.

They make me sick actually with that suggestion.
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it will be hard but you will have to discuss with her that in today's age and time you just can't take her in to live with you NOR can you move in with her.  You have your own obligations in your family and that she might enjoy being around other people her own age by going into an AL place where it can eventually advance into a full time NH facility to care for people with dementia, etc.  She can pay for it with her money and if she doesn't have enough, you can get with an Elder attorney for advice on getting her accepted for Medicaid.  they are a good help IF you find a good one.  Tell her that you want to keep your relationship as mother/daughter.  Do you have (or other siblings) have POA for your parents?  now is the time to get things rolling, see an elder attorney.  I wish you luck, but don't feel bad about the feelings.  I too an trying to deal with my aging mother who refuses to continue doing simple exercises to help keep her muscles from tightening up (she has arthritis in hips), so she is in pain, moves slowly and I figure one of these days I am going to get a call from the Life Alert place saying she fell.  I haven't even fully grieved my fathers passing back in May due to virus (not many at funeral).......can't hug anyone, and worried/taking care of mom didn't allow me to grieve.......so I wish you luck in whatever you choose.
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Talk to her about other ideas... “I think when I retire I’m going to travel ...

Set her expectations without directly saying no. Ease her into your reality so she doesn’t count on you and so that there is no painful confrontation or humiliation in front of others.
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Beatty Dec 2020
 “I think when I retire I’m going to travel ...

New Zealand looks nice 😁 (and currently Covid free 😇)
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From my experience it's best to talk to her now, and stand your ground. I was basically guilted into by mother and family, as I was newly out of relationship, and trying to get my life back together, and my mom got sick and needed help, somehow a year later and I'm still her caregiver. In doing that I kind of have neglected my life. I've finally had the talk with her and my family that its time for me to move on, and figure out what's best for her. I know it may be hard, but if you truly don't want to be her caregiver, you need to talk to her and your brother your decision.
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If you are aware of feeling scared, sad, and guilty, and do not know what to do, I would suggest you get into therapy to sort it all out. These are deep seated, decade long patterns of behavior and conditioning, and how the relationship with you and your mom has been set up. You are the only person who can change that as time moves on.

It sounds to me that you need to feel okay about yourself, who you are, and clear on what you will and won't do. If you are having all these feelings, you are not confident in yourself, which is required if you want to maintain a quality of life for yourself. Otherwise, without professional support, I believe you will 'lose' your life (style) to your mother, caring for her. And, likely feeling resentful and angry through it all. Do not set yourself up for this.

While you may feel guilty and scared, it is 'more' disrespectful of your mom if you allowing her to believe in her fantasy of her care in the future. You need to have this conversation NOW. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for months or years of guilt and fear, and the accompanying emotional and psychological, and physical manifestations that come with it - you will ruin your own health / quality of life. It is best for all concerned to discuss these matters NOW.

It sounds like one of your brothers has done this - right or wrong - he has set boundaries on what he will and will not do. You need to do the same.

You reconcile by doing what you realistically can by deciding what you will take on, what level of care you will take on, and discuss ways to manage care as needed. You may need a three way conversation with a therapist and your mother to get the support you need to have this talk. Additionally, I imagine there is some / perhaps a lot of anger on your part with the care your siblings take on. Nothing falls on your shoulders UNLESS you allow that to happen. You need to build yourself up inside. Therapy can help although you do need to understand these feelings are decades in the making and will not be so easy to change. You will feel sad, grief stricken, guilt - it is what you do with these feelings / how you work through them that matter.

Realize too that her expectations are HERS. If she did not discuss or ask you about care in the future, she needs to understand that she is making huge projections without any factual basis. This will be hard for her to realize, if not understand, too. It likely will be some very confrontational interactions / conversations. They need to happen - and the sooner the better for all concerned. I would hope you could have a family intervention of sorts - so everyone can be there to 'put their cards on the table' - nothing is black or white. It is the shades of grey that need addressing. The point is to open this conversation NOW. As time moves forward, what is discussed now of the 'who does what' may change. Gena.
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